Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of these characters… if I did, Karofsky wouldn't exist anymore, Jesse wouldn't have been such an asshole (albeit one I believe legitimately fell for Rachel), and there would be a LOT more Blaine. The song "If I Die Young" belongs to The Band Perry.
A/n: So this ficlet came to me during my vacation. It's going to be short… just a couple of chapters.
"If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby
"The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
"If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
"The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time."
Blaine's voice cracked over that line. Just like his voice had cracked over that line every time he had tried to sing this song. Normally he didn't make it through the first chorus before he had to stop. But his hands kept strumming the chords on the guitar, his eyes holding back the tears that threatened to come every single time he started to sing. He needed to be able to say this. To be able to admit what was going on with his life.
"And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
"There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
"So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening."
Blaine felt the tears starting to slide down his face. He could do this… he could get through the song. He could say the words, admit that this was ending.
"If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
"The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh
"The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys
And I'll wear my pearls."
Blaine's hands let go of the guitar without thinking about it. He didn't even wince at the sound it made as it slid off his lap and hit the floor. Blaine didn't even think about the damage that might be done to the instrument, because all he could think about were the tears streaming down his face and how much he didn't want anyone else to see what was going on.
"Blaine?" Blaine quickly reached up and pushed the tears away from his face, not looking in the direction the voice was coming from.
"Yeah? What's up Kurt?" Blaine knelt down and picked up his guitar as he spoke, doing his best to avoid looking at the younger boy.
"Are you okay?" Blaine jumped as he felt Kurt's hand on his back. Blaine stood up and looked at Kurt. "You've been crying…"
"Yeah. I have." Blaine wasn't going to try and lie his way out of this one. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Kurt had caught on that something was wrong. Blaine looked into Kurt's eyes as they stood there in the common room. He slowly reached his hand up to Kurt's face, stroking his thumb against the younger boy's cheek. Blaine closed his eyes and sighed, shaking his head. "I can't do this."
"Blaine…" Kurt began. Blaine started to pull away from Kurt, but the younger boy pressed his lips against Blaine's and the older boy had no idea what he was doing so he chose to do nothing. Blaine let Kurt do what he wanted, until the younger boy pulled away from the kiss.
"I can't do this to you," Blaine said, pulling away from Kurt. He shook his head as Kurt tried to move closer to him again, and Blaine put his hand against the younger boy's chest to make him stay away. "Stay away from me, Kurt. Don't fall for me. Just… just save yourself."
"Save myself from what, Blaine?"
"From me… I'm only going to hurt you. Just stay away." Blaine turned on his heel quickly, moving away from the younger boy and out of the common room. He didn't even think about the fact that he had left his guitar with the younger boy. Blaine pushed his way through the halls, intent on only getting out of the building, getting as far away from Kurt as possible.
"Blaine?" He didn't hear his name being called. "Blaine, wait up, man!" Blaine stopped on the front porch of the building, staring out over the manicured green lawns of the campus. "Dude… it's almost dinner time. The dining hall's the other way…"
"I'm not going to dinner." Blaine closed his eyes as he heard the squeak of someone's shoes running up behind himself and David, who had stopped him in the midst of his escape.
"Is something going on? You never miss dinner…" David began.
"I just have a headache. I'm going to lay down."
"Blaine…" Blaine closed his eyes at the sound of Kurt's voice. "You forgot your guitar." Blaine could hear the hurt in Kurt's voice. "I get it, okay? You don't feel the same way. And I'm sorry."
"It's not that simple… I do feel the same way, Kurt…" Blaine began.
"Then what's the problem? Because honestly, I don't get it." Blaine turned around, doing his best to fight back the tears.
"What do you want me to say, Kurt? I've been in love with you for months, but I couldn't say a word because I knew that it wouldn't mean anything. That it doesn't mean a thing that I'm in love with you, because a year from now it'll all be over and all that you'll have left is a broken heart." Blaine shook his head, the tears starting to flow freely again.
"That makes no sense…" Kurt began.
"It makes perfect sense." Blaine turned around, shaking his head as they stood there.
"What's going on here?" David asked again. "What the hell are the two of you talking about?"
"That's what I want to know…" Kurt added.
"Kurt… I can't let you fall in love with me because you're just going to end up getting hurt."
"Why are you going to hurt me? Why can't you just give me one straight answer about what's going on?"
"Because I can't say it. I'm afraid to say it."
"I don't understand…" Kurt began. Blaine shook his head, feeling his knees shake. He turned around, sitting down on the stairs. "Please, Blaine… just tell me what's going on."
"I'm dying…" The words were whispered, almost non-existent.
"What?" Blaine felt Kurt sit down next to him, his hip pressed almost uncomfortably close to Blaine's.
"I'm dying. It's everywhere…"
"What's everywhere? Blaine… what are you talking about?" Blaine took hold of Kurt's hand, pulling the younger boy's hand up towards his neck until Kurt's fingers were grazing over the bump that made up the infected lymph node in his neck. He could see the pain in the younger boy's face.
"It's cancer, and it's spread… everywhere. There's nothing they can do." Blaine closed his eyes, pulling himself away from Kurt as much as possible. "Which is why we can't do this… why I can't be with you. I can't hurt you like that."
"Blaine…" He felt the younger boy's hand on his knee, and Blaine couldn't stop the tears any longer. He had held things together for so long… but now he was falling apart. "How long have you known?"
"Since I went home last week… that was kind of the whole point of going home."
"But you came back."
"To say goodbye… to finish things, at least to some extent. I'm staying until after Regionals next week. Against my mother's will, of course. After that, I'm packing my bags, going home," Blaine replied. "I want to stay… finish the year, graduate. But there really isn't much point. And my mom wants me at home." Blaine felt Kurt move closer to him, felt the younger boy's arm slide around his shoulders.
"There's got to be something…" Kurt began.
"There isn't. I'm too sick… I've been sick for months, but I thought it would get better…"
"You were already sick when we met."
"I didn't know… I knew something was off, but I was so busy. I don't think it would have made a difference. A couple of months sooner, it would have just meant a couple of more months I would have to live with this." Blaine felt a hand on his cheek, turning his face towards Kurt's. "Kurt…"
Blaine didn't fight as Kurt cut off his words with a kiss. It was sweet and gentle, and after a moment Blaine allowed himself to return the kiss. He wanted his hands all over Kurt, but Blaine stopped himself from taking things any further, pulling away from the kiss after a moment.
"I love you, Kurt. Which is why I can't do this to you… I can't hurt you like this." Blaine pulled away from Kurt as he spoke.
"What if I want you to… what if I'm okay with you hurting me?" Kurt asked. Blaine shook his head, closing his eyes and wiping at the tears that were still falling as he tried to pull himself together. "I love you, Blaine… I don't care."
"I shouldn't let you do this."
"I don't think you have a choice."
