Author's Note: I've been waiting for this for a damn long time - A parody of the Legend trilogy by Marie Lu, but with Gintama characters. You don't know how long I've been waiting to do this.
One thing I'd like to point out - This fic will change between Kagura and Okita's P.O.V., as I can't really parody Legend in the third person, as the P.O.V. switches between June and Day. You'll know whose P.O.V. it is by the chapter name (not the real one). For instance, this chapter is titled "Okita 1", as it is the first chapter in Okita's P.O.V. "Kagura 1" is Kagura's first P.O.V. chapter, and so on.
Like my parody of Divergent, updates for this fic may become sporadic until I can get Allegiant and Champion, since they are not out yet. But, buckle up and enjoy Gintama's take on a dystopian/steampunk/military story set in the City of Angels, Los Angeles!
Warning: This fic contains potty/sexual humor, some Refuge in Audacity/Vulgarity, and lots of references. In other words, the usual Gintama stuff.
Disclaimer: Gintama is the property of Hideaki Sorachi. Legend is the property of Marie Lu. Please support the official releases.
"Our ordeal started when the country of Japan was opened up in 1855. However, aliens were the ones who opened up Japan, not humans. With these aliens came their colonization of the world a plague known as 'space rabies', which is spread by either person-to-person contact or through party drugs known as 'bath salts'. Be on the look out for humans that are foaming at the mouth and only saying the word 'Brains'. Due to how we can't control this virus, America has divided into the Western U.S. and the Eastern U.S. I run the Western U.S. so I can get V.I.P. seats at Los Angeles Lakers games, free food at all the trendy sushi bars in Beverly Hills, and free stays at all the fancy casinos in Vegas."
Oh, and, Carl, stay in the house." - Western U.S. Amanto Prince Baka - I mean, Hata's - speech on why the Amanto have taken over the world
"When Running From the Cops, Always Change Your Underwear Every Day."
My parents somehow think I'm dead, even though they show my Wanted poster every ten minutes on the jumbotrons all over Los Angeles.
Wait, do I even have parents?
Anyway, every ten minutes on the jumbotrons, they show a One Piece-styled Wanted poster for me. It always says the same thing:
Wanted! Dead or Alive
"Sadist" Okita Sougou
Wanted For: Jaywalking, hunting moths under a streetlight, cursing on a mini-golf course, licking toads, bathing two babies in a tub at the same time, charging admission to a house party, growing oleander flowers, riding a bicycle in a swimming pool, operating a bathhouse, driving two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time, playing percussion instruments on the beach, and dressing as a female without a permit. (1)
Reward: $20,000
But, of course they ignore all of the arson, panhandling, theft, destruction of property, and assault. Do they only want to arrest me for all of the "stupid", yet unwritten, laws I've done? I only played the bongos on Venice Beach to panhandle, the babies I bathed at the same time were my brother, Yamazaki, and my sister, Mitsuba, when they were babies, and I only charged admission to that house party because Otsuu-chan was there.
Or, do they post all of this info because the masses think it's downright hilarious?
Oh, look, they're showing my Wanted poster and people are laughing. Thankfully, Mitsuba and I are on the third story of an abandoned apartment, watching the police go to various houses and look for victims of space rabies.
"So, Mitsuba, what's the haps?" I ask, starting to get bored of people watching.
"Yamazaki takes his Trial next week," Mitsuba says sadly. "If he scores between 1,000 and 1,249, he'll end up like us."
I shudder. The Trial - or, Stereotypical Dystopian Test That Determines Your Future, or SDTTDYF - determines your entire future. When I took it, I got the low score of 1,069. Yeah, my score was so bad, there's a 69 in it. Basically, this is the score breakdown:
1,500: The highest possible score you can get. This one chick got a 1,500 on her Trial a year or so back, and EVERYONE made a big deal of it.
1,450 to 1,499: The highest possible score you can get without being the very best like no one ever was. You get four years of high school, you go to a top university for college, and you get a job that will make you rich, if you get a bitchin' score.
1,250 to 1,449: The good scores. You go to high school, college, and get a job. Most people in the Western U.S. get these scores or higher.
1,000 to 1,249: You suck, man. You're banned from high school and college and you have to do manual labor, such as gardening (which is why the cops want me arrested for planting oleanders) and prostitution.
Mitsuba snaps me out of my thoughts.
"Oh, look, they're doing our house," Mitsuba says as she points to Yamazaki inviting the cops into our house. "If they finish soon enough, you can go down there and give Yamazaki some of that anpan you stole."
Ten minutes later, the cops are still at the house.
"Come on. Hurry up so I can see Yamazaki..." I say. Twenty minutes later...
"So, want to play a game of 'Is This a Zombie... Of the Dead'?" I ask.
"You are so insensitive..." Mitsuba says, shaking her head. So much time later, that Mitsuba got tired of waiting and hired a tranny to dress like her and take her place...
"Can we hurry this up? I have to shoot a commercial for my gay bar in five minutes," The transvestite asks me. I grab a wad of cash from my pocket and give it to him.
"Keep the change," I say. The transvestite gets up and kisses me (ew).
"Thanks, sweetie," The transvestite says before he leaves the apartment. As I wipe the saliva off of my cheek, I turn my attention back to the house across the way. Finally, the cops are leaving.
"Finally! The cops are leaving!" I say with joy. Then, they spray paint an X on the door, indicating that somebody in the family has space rabies. "Wait, what are they doing?! Police officers, stahp!"
Before the cops leave, one of them sprays a vertical line over the X, cutting it in half. Mitsuba then returns to the apartment.
"That was a nice walk. Got to see the sunset over Chinatown," Mitsuba says as she enters. "What happened?"
"Mitsuba, when a house is quarantined for space rabies and they spray a line over the X on the door, what does it mean?" I ask.
(1) - Those laws are actual, legit laws in the Los Angeles area (besides the jaywalking one, which is a law everywhere). I just Googled "Dumb laws in Los Angeles" to find these.
Anyway, review if you want to see Kagura and Kamui!
