T he letters
October 1st 1999
Dear Zachary Goode,
I love you. I love the way you walk with your hands in your pockets. You don't smile often, but when you do, I can't help but smile back. And I love the way you laugh, your laugh is contagious. I love your smirk and your green eyes that change with the weather. They sparkle when it's sunny and they cloud when it rains.
I love how our eyes always meet for a split second, whenever you enter the lunch room because for a split second every day you see me. You used to talk to me all the time in middle school, but not as much anymore. I love that stupid nick name you call me, 'Gallagher Girl'. I love that you always score the winning touchdown, your number is 21 and I can't help but look for you whenever you enter the field.
I love that you throw the best parties and play my favourite music and that I am sometimes invited. I love that you always wear black and ride that death trap of a motorcycle every day to school.
You're popular and handsome and I'm not, maybe that's why I can never tell you I love you. I love that your locker is next to mine. I love that my heart rate rises whenever you are near, and that my stomach fills with butterflies whenever someone mentions your name. You have some hold over me and even though I love you, it scares me, because I know that right now I would do anything for you.
I love you Zachary Goode, and you don't even know it.
Cammie Morgan
November 1st 1999
Dear Zachary Goode,
I hate you. I hate the way you walk with your hands in your pockets, I hate that you hardly ever smile and when you do it's not at me. Your laugh is warm and I hate that, and I hate that stupid smirk you always wear, no matter what.
I hate your eyes and how they are never the same green two days in a row.
I hate that you never see me as pretty and that you always win the football game and that you can break a girl's heart without batting an eyelash and yet every girl still falls at your feet… including me.
I hate how you have amazing parties and never invite me anymore because I'm not cool enough for you and your friends and yet you still talk to me in school. Why can't you just let me move on? If you don't like me, just stop. Tell me, give me a reason, what did I do?
I'm sorry, ever heard of colour? I hate that you only wear black and that you have a tattoo! You know those things stay with you forever? You know that you are only a few months older than me? I would never dream of getting a tattoo. You risk your life every morning when you get on that motorcycle of yours, how are you even allowed to drive it? I hate that you're popular and handsome and so un-hateable, because every time you smile, you seem to start fresh, all your lies and cheats and all the pain you caused others is just wiped away. You flirt with every girl you seem, ugh... playboy. I hate that your locker is next to mine and that you have to kick it to open it.
I hate that I love you and can't do anything about it.
I hate you Zachary Goode, and you don't even care.
Cammie Morgan
January 15th 2000
Dear Jace Knight,
I love you Jace. I love your smile and your dimple and your laugh. I love your brown hair and your brown eyes. I love your voice and that you can play the guitar and don't care what people think. I love that we take the same classes and that you were my first kiss. Why did you kiss me? Why did you do that? Everything was so perfect until you did that.
I love that you live next door and that we have been best friend's sense forever. I don't want to love you because I don't want to ruin or friendship, I'm stuck in 'the friend zone' (yes it is real)… and it makes it harder considering when I entered it I only wanted to be your friend.
I love that you love green and being outside. I love that you're good at math, but not English, let's face it you never have been and you never will be. I love that you get the hiccups when you're hungry and that none of your jokes are funny.
I love you Jace Knight and don't know how to tell you.
Cammie Morgan
February 15th 2000
Dear Jace Knight,
I hate you. I hate your smile and your dimple and your laugh. I hate that your hair is brown and that your eyes are brown too. I hate your voice and that you play an instrument that I can't and that you don't care what people think of you and your sweet smile…
I hate that you stole my first kiss; you ruined everything when you kissed me. It was for no reason and it… it just ruined everything. I never thought about you in a special way until that kiss and I didn't want to, but you made me… and I hate that.
I hate that you live next door and that we are friends and you always smile when you see me, and laugh when I tell a joke. I hate that your favourite colour is green. Now I can't stand to look at green without thinking of you and that's why I am writing this, because if I don't I will always be in pain, when I see you laugh, when you smile, when you come over to my house, when I see a picture of us when we were little or when someone says your name. I have to move on, I have to say good bye.
I hate that you can do math and I can't and that you're bad at English, who is bad at English? It is your own language. I hate that you get hiccups when you're hungry and that none of your jokes are funny.
I hate that you made me love you, I hate that you are always there, and that you are dating my best friend.
I hate you Jace and I can't tell you.
Cammie Morgan
April 3rd 2000
Dear Joshua Abrams
I think I love you. I have thought I loved people before and been wrong, so I'm not sure… I love how you notice me when no one else does. I love your smile and your shaggy blonde hair and your blue eyes. I love your laugh and well, everything you usually love about someone. You run your fingers through your hair when you're nervous and you bit you lip when you're excited. You're on the football team, but you don't care because you want to be a professor when you grow up, yes I remember when you told me that. You're popular for being yourself, but you would care if you weren't. I love that you do the same classes as me, like we have almost all of them together. I love that you are so sweet and kind and oblivious to how cute you are. My heart aches when I see you with another girl and it soars when you talk to me.
I love you Joshua Abrams because you see me.
Cammie Morgan
May 3rd 2000
Dear Joshua Abrams,
I, I don't… I hate you. I hate that you are all I think about and that I don't know if you like me or not. I hate that you see me even when I don't want to be seen. I hate that I hate your smile and your shaggy- shaggy hair and your blue, blue, gorgeous eyes. I hate your laugh and all the things I used to love about you because I don't know any more. The summer is coming quick and I don't want to have you on my mind during summer vacation, so, I hate you, I'm sorry, but I hate you. You haven't done anything, but I hate you.
I hate you Joshua Abrams, but you don't have to know.
Cammie Morgan
Cammie Morgan writes letters, I know cliché, but she does. Not just any letters, love letters. In freshman year Cammie had crush after crush, each one she could do nothing about, so she wrote love letters instead, letter she never sent, but she kept them, they helped her say good bye. She would list all the things that made her like that person then turn them into reasons to hate them, and then she wouldn't get her heart broken. But it's junior year now and Cammie doesn't write love letters anymore. This is a serious year, Cammie needs to grow up, but freshman year wasn't that long ago and the letters are still in a box under her bed.
"Cam, pass the syrup please." Cammie looked up at her sister.
"The syrup is right in front of you." Paisley looked up from her phone and laughed,
"Oh, yeah," she grabbed the jug and poured the golden liquid over her pancakes.
"No, phones at the table Paisley." her dad said looking up from his tablet. Cammie scoffed before rolling up a pancake, dipping it in a puddle of syrup on her plate and taking a large bite. Paisley sighed and put her phone on the counter behind her. It was new; she had gotten it for her birthday last week, so it was a sort of an addiction at the moment.
"Dad, no tablets at the table." Paisley mumbled as she cut up her breakfast and started to eat. Their father continued, completely oblivious to the fact that his daughter was talking to him and that he was being a hypocrite.
"So, got everything for school tomorrow?" Mathew asked his girls taking a sip of orange juice. It was the last day of the summer holidays and tomorrow was Cammie's first day as an upperclassman, a junior. Paisley was going into 8th grade.
"Yup" Cammie said popping the 'p' and rolling up another pancake.
"Mhm," Paisley murmured as she chewed. Paisley had mousy brown hair down to her waist, it was as straight as possible and wouldn't hold a curl no matter what she did, and her eyes were blue. Her lips were plump and her cheeks high and defined. Her nose was small and petite, the perfect size for her face. Her eye lashes were long and thick like her hair. She was stunning. Cammie was a dirty blonde, or as she called it dishwater blonde, the only thing she had in common with Paisley were her eyes, they had their mother's eyes. Her lips were rather thin, her face quite round. Her hair was wavy and light, it bounced whenever she moved her head. Her nose was okay, a nice a size, not too big or small. She was pretty, but not striking like her little sister. It used to bother Cammie, but not anymore. She didn't like attention anyways. Whenever Paisley went out there would be smiles and stares and even a few double takes, this also let Cammie slip into the background, so really she was grateful to her sister.
"Dad?" Cammie said swallowing the last of her fourth pancake
"Yeah,"
"Can I leave the table?"
"Only if you take your dish over and put it in the dishwasher." Cammie rolled her eyes, but did as she was told. Then she left the room not looking back at her family.
Cammie made her way to her room. It was messy to say the least. Her desk was covered in papers and her bed was full of clothes that needed to be given away according to Macey, Cammie's best and only real friend, well besides Jace, but he was a guy. Macey had stopped by yesterday to pick out Cammie's outfit for tomorrow and ended up cleaning out her entire wardrobe. Stationary was scattered all over the floor, it was either left over from last year, or she couldn't fit it all into her pencil case. The bookshelf was over flowing and so was her nightstand, but Cammie didn't notice any of it as she walked in and flopped onto her bed, looking up at the ceiling.
"Why is summer over?" she asked no one in particular. The alarm clock on the floor ticked in the silence, counting away seconds, minutes of her life that she would never get back. Suddenly Cammie jumped up and started to look for something to wear. She grabbed a baby blue vintage playsuit off a hanger, a pair of under wear, a bra and a pair of lacy cream socks before heading across the hall into the bath room to take a shower and dress.
The warm water ran over her body, warming her to the bone. She let it seep into her scalp and soak her hair to the roots before she added her two-in-one apple scented Head and Shoulders shampoo and conditioner. Cammie tried to clear her mind and think of nothing, but it couldn't happen. She was filled with possible scenarios for tomorrow. Who would still talk to her? Who had forgotten her? Who had decided they would hate her? There was usually one, at least, someone jealous, Macey always said. Macey was the girl everyone wanted to be, to know to be with she was beautiful. She knew what to say, but she knew how to say it too. Her laugh was sweet and she started the latest fashion trends, she didn't follow them… and Cammie, she was the 'Oh, you're the girl that's always with Macey McHenry'. However, like I said earlier Cammie liked going un-noticed. Of course when she went to a party dressed up in a Macey McHenry outfit she became a different person, not that anyone ever remembered she was the one with the dazzling smile, smouldering eyes and gentle curves that transfixed every guy in the room.
The thing about Cammie Morgan was that she was the epitome of innocence. And innocence was hard to come by at Gallagher High. Not that there weren't nice girls, they just were over friendly when it came to boys.
The bathroom door opened and Cammie came out, dressed with her hair up in a towel.
"Cam, where are my grey jeans?" Paisley come out of her room dressed in a white t-shirt with the words 'Perfect is boring' written on it, that and her underwear. Cammie raised her eyebrows at her sister, but shook her head before walking back into her room and checking her phone. No one had tried to contact her and she doubted they would. People were busy doing last minute back to school shopping, buying skirts that completely ignore the school rule about them not being shorter than finger length. Tossing her phone to the side she went under her bed and pulled out an old shoe box.
"Remind me why I have these again?" she whispered to herself. Removing the lid and placing it on the floor next to her she stared tiredly at the un-opened envelopes, three to be exact. All addressed and ready to be sent. Cammie snorted at the thought of sending them.
"Like that's ever gonn'a happen." She said, even when Cammie wrote the letters she knew that she wasn't going to send them. If they were in fact ever read by the intended readers Cammie was sure that she would die of embarrassment.
"Cammie, could you invite Jace over?" Paisley was stood in her door way. She had found her jeans and was now fully dressed. Her makeup was done and Cammie still couldn't believe she was only starting 8th grade.
"No." she replied bluntly, not even bothering to look at her sister.
"What?" Paisley's was taken aback. Cammie just rolled her eyes and stood up.
"I said-" Cammie paused and looked away as if thinking about it, "No." the she smiled and gently shoved her sister out of her door way.
"Why not?" Paisley wanted to know why Cam had decided to be so mean all of a sudden.
"Because I don't want to. We have better things to do today besides talking to Jace."
"Jace's coming over?" Mathew asked from down the hall. Jace was the next door neighbour who was like a member of the family. He was in Cammie's year and about the only boy that her dad approved of, in fact Matt loved Jace. He was like the son he never had.
The girls replied simultaneously with opposite answers. Before turning to each other and giving death glares.
"Okay well I have no objection, I'll just let you two sort it out." then he turned heading in the direction of the home office.
"Cam, please do this!" Paisley begged once her father was out of earshot. She had a crush on Jace, it happened over the summer, he came around a lot anyways so wasn't it just normal for her to feel this way?
"Paisley he is four years older than you, and it would be silly for me to encourage your puppy love." For some reason Cammie got angry whenever Paisley talked about Jace. She didn't even want him around because that would mean she would be able to be around him. It was selfish, but she didn't care.
"It's not puppy love, its real love Cam!" this made Cammie laugh, but it only made Paisley angry.
"Please, you don't know what real love is, Paisley." She turned to shut the door. Paisley watched her sister in disbelief as the door closed in her face. At first it was hurt she felt, Cammie and she didn't fight often, but when they did it was bad. Like when Paisley was 7 she borrowed Cammie's new bike and ended up rolling into the pond in the park. She didn't tell anyone until a week later when Cammie went looking for it, then she had to confess. Cammie didn't talk to her for two weeks, yes two weeks. The worst time though was four years ago, Cammie and her best friend from middle school Alana had a falling out. Cammie had called their mother to come pick her up from a sleepover that was going badly, it was 2 am, but she went anyway, it was raining heavily, but she went anyway, but she never got to Alana's and she never came home. Paisley said that if Cammie hadn't called their mother she wouldn't have died, but Cam actually believed she did it and the next three months that fallowed Cammie said nothing, she just went through her daily routine, saying nothing and showing no emotion, she was a shell. Paisley tried to stay mad, but then she became worried, their dad tried to get Cammie to talk to a doctor, but she wouldn't, they tried to give pills, but she wouldn't take them. Suddenly Cammie started to speak again, it was just one syllable every now and then, but it was something. When Cammie became friends with Macey everything seemed to… go away… all the problems, but she and Paisley have always been different, not really in a good or bad way, but different.
That should have been a lesson for Paisley to control what she did and said, but when that door closed in her face, her hurt turned to anger. She stormed off to her room and slammed her own door. Cammie's eyes prickled as she heard Paisley stalk off. Why had she been so mean?
"I should go apologise…" she said to the wall, but she just stood there. The shoe box was still open on the floor. Cammie just sighed, bent down and closed the box slipping it back under her bed for safe keeping. Tomorrow her first day of junior year, love letters were for little 14 year old girls. Time to forget. To move on from those letters and find a new love, one that she would actually tell her feelings to. A new year, a new Cammie.
A/N- PLEASE REVIEW ND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! I REALLY WANT TO KNOW IF YOU THINK I SHOULD CONTINUE! I'D LIKE TO GET 5 REVIEWS TO CONTUNE IT PLEASE!
THIS STORY IS ALSO INSPIRED BY THE BOOK 'TO ALL THE BOYS I'VE LOVED BEFORE' AND IS BASICALLY THAT BOOK WITH THE GALLAGHER CHARACTERS, SOME OF MY OWN AND MY OWN VERSION. IT STARTS TO GET DIFFERENT FROM THE BOOK AFTER A FEW CHAPTERS, SO IF YOU HAVE READ IT, I AM DOING DISCLAIMER RIGHT NOW.
I KNOW THAT I HAVE ALOT OF STORIES GOING ON RIGHT NOW, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF THERE WAS ONE YOU WANTED ME TO FOCUS ON OUT OF GREEN OR BLUE, THE BROTHER AND FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND. PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU ARE A READER OF THEM.
