I rite dis wile i wuz at werk selling bonbons n eatin poutine. It's KANADA, BETCH!

A Story Aboot Pokemon, by Dickfart

A girl named Ava Tremblay moved to the Kanada region one day after Ghetsis Harmonia Trump was elected president of Unova. Like all outraged Unovan-Kanadians, Ava and her family decided that being an immigrant in that shithole was NO GOOD, so they packed the fuck up and went back home, but not after tumblr had a meltdown over how rich and privileged Ava was for doing so. Fuck 'em. Social Justice Warios ain't know shit.

Ava and fam moved back to hometown called BAMFF, which stands for Badass Muthafucka Famdamnly. No it doesn't, fuckface. No one actually knows what that extra F is for. It's just there to mess with you.

So Ava just chillin' in BAMFF. Her mom say one morning, "Isn't life in BAMFF swell? Sure beats living in MILF, those fucking chode whores."

Ava laugh, her dad being a chode whore, so it was funny and not slut shaming. Her dad lived in MILF and didn't pay child support, like every Pokedad that isn't Norman.

Anyway, Ava got bored and decided to go assploring Kanada the motherland, until she had a fateful encounter.

"Embrace darkness and inevitable misery as the void beckons you," said some goth chick that approached Ava. Ava, being your run of the mill Pokegirl, just smiled and dot dot dot'd at her until the professor showed up.

"Oh, don't mind my granddaughter Rory, eh? She's all aboot that gothic stuff. She'll grow out of it in time," said Professor Maple, the professor of Kanada.

"Stop embarrassing me in front of my rival, conformist! GOD!" Rory huffed, and stormed off.

"Oh ho ho," laughed he. "Let's get going to my lab, eh?"

Ava, Rory, and Maple go2lab. Ava have three choices.

Since Kanada is special, its starters are of the ice, ground, and steel type varieties. Your ice choice is Beavice, the ice beaver with icicle buck teeth jutting out a twenty degree angle, a pronounced overbite and an obsessive stare viewed in profile. Its battle cry is "heh heh" and its favorite band is Metallica. Your other two choices are the ground type Moosef, a baby moose, and the steel type Square, which is a silver square. Ava makes the obvious choice.

"Beavice, I choose you," says Ava.

"Heh heh, FIRE!" said the stupid fucking Pokemon, before going back into its ball.

"Then I pick Square," said Rory. "The least conformist of them all."

"Is that a challenge?" said Ava. "Go Bunghole!"

"Heh heh, BUNGHOLE," said Beavice, who tackled Square. It wasn't very effective.

"Square, use Writhe in Agony!"

Square just stood there, because that wasn't actually a Pokemon move. Rory gave it many commands to Beavice's thirty tackles, and it eventually fainted because Rory is a fucking moron.

"This is so not goth of me!" Rory shrieked. Then she left, but not before calling Ava a lamebrain.

"Ain't she a hoot?" Professor Maple guffawed. "Well, she's at that age where she's fighting with her parents. Maybe you two will become good friends, eh? Or as kids in fandom these days call it, an OTP?"

"Nah," said Ava.

"Funny, Rory said just aboot the same thing, eh?" said Maple, and he handed Ava the Pokedex. "Now go forth to the Albertia Forest, young trainer. Adventure awaits!"

Ava started her journey in the deep wilderness of Kanada, which was full of trees, snow, bears, poutine, and Kanadians. Beavice was leveled up to 11 and learned Quick Attack. After encountering like five hundred hockey players with the same shitty Rattata, Ava exited the other side of the Albertia forest to find Albertia Town, where Team Lumber was preaching about their lord and savior Harambe.

"Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing," said Beavice, whose dick was already out. Ava laughed, because fuck everything.

"God," said Rory, approaching Ava with her black lipstick and obscure band t-shirt, also black. "Tell this loser to stop following me."

"Hi, I'm Billy," said Billy. "Wanna fightaboudit?"

"No," Ava selected.

"Yes you do, I'm Billy."

"No," Ava selected again.

"Yes you do, I'm Billy."

"No," Ava selected thricely.

"Yes you do, I'm Billy."

"No," Ava fucking selected, pissed off now.

"Yes you do, I'm Billy."

"Yes," Ava selected begrudgingly.

Billy sent out his first Pokemon, Rattata.

"FUCKING MURDER IT!" Ava commanded. Beavice laughed, "Die, heh. YOU MUST DIE!"

And Beavice finished off Rattata in one tackle.

Then Billy sent out Moosef, and Beavice took care of it in a similar fashion.

"Heh, that was cool," said Beavice.

"I'm Billy. My hair is happy to meet you," said Billy. Indeed, he had more hair than any other Pokemon trainer in the Pokemon universe.

"Anyway, I'm Billy. See ya!" And just like that, Billy left.

"Ugh, what a loser," said Rory. "And those Team Lumber guys? Such conformists. I cannot DEAL with such FUCKING BULLCRAP." And she left, too.

"This sucks," said Ava, taking her leave of Albertia Town. She had to win her first badge in Wattawa City, and getting caught up in these wacky hijinks wasn't fucking helping.

But first she and Beavice hit up the Pokemon Center, where Nurse Joy offered free healthcare in the form of REAL maple syrup, which Pokemon chug from beer mugs. So much better than Unova with its crumbling infrastructure, failing economy, and nuclear warheads.

"It's (hic) aboot time we get going, eh Bunghole?" said Ava.

"Bungholio," said Beavice, and thus their adventure through Kanada continued on.