The Naked Man

by SoftGray

"Works two out of three times, guaranteed"


Draco forced himself to pay attention. He really tried. But the girl across from him was blathering on about her guest fashion spot in the Daily Prophet and he was sorely tempted to face-plant straight into his zuppa inglese and feign illness.

He couldn't even remember her name for Merlin's sake! She was the usual socialite fare he went on dates with, so it was a safe bet that she was named after some exotic locale. London, Milan, Paris, Tokyo, St. Petersburg...

Let it here be stated that Draco did his best to avoid being labelled a womanizer. He hated taking to bed women with whom he had no emotional connection and he always, always waited three days before owling to inquire about a second date.

It wasn't his fault that his taste involved lavish restaurants; the kind that attracted gossip columnists and nosy busybodies like flies to honey.

And boy, it had been forever since his number had come up for a hot shag. Draco was most recently in a highly publicized and rather unsatisfactory two year relationship with Miss Hermione "Iron-Knickers" Granger, and never quite rebounded properly afterward like all of his friends so strongly encouraged.

So maybe, maybe, one would be encouraged to forgive him if he left his genteel manner at the door and succumbed to his supposed womanizing ways.

St. Petersburg had finally stopped talking and was instead seductively licking the edge of her spoon leaving no morsel of tiramisu untouched. Draco could have done worse - she was classically attractive, boasting full, cherry red lips, well manicured brows, and strawberry blonde hair that curled lightly to her shoulders. An overall assessment excited Draco as he had noticed her shapely behind when he pulled out her chair at the beginning of dinner and her silver wrap dress gently cradled a pair of sizeable, er, protrusions.

And if he had to go by the way she was practically deep throating her dessert spoon, the lustful thoughts were definitely mutual. She said something else, a jumble of sounds that seemed to contain the words 'leave' and 'flat'. Draco needed no further prompting.

He cleared his throat to clear his mind and motioned to the waiter for the cheque.


"I'm telling you, it worked like a charm! She went to the kitchen to grab glasses for the wine I had so thoughtfully brought, and when she came out -" Blaise Zabini made a sweeping motion with his hands as he mimed Vanishing his clothes and struck a pose with his hands on his hips and one foot propped on the lower rung of Draco's bar stool. Draco couldn't help but laugh and next to him Theodore Nott nearly fell off his chair.

"That's the big secret to getting laid? You just show up starkers and bam?! Sweet Circe, I need to give that a try." Theo was positively giggly as Blaise resumed his seat between the friends.

"I think there has to be some element of surprise, she can't be expecting it. And I'm seventy percent sure that Clara just felt sorry for me." Clara was the girl that Blaise had been on a few dates with, but much to the disgust of all the boys (and probably all men everywhere) she punctuated each and every sentence with uncontrollable giggles and a ripple of ginger curls. Not even close to wife material. Theo shrugged and motioned for another round.

"Well whatever the reason is, it can't be awful if it ends in sex!"


Outside the restaurant St. Petersburg held Draco's arm in a vice-like grip and with little preamble Apparated the pair of them to her flat.

"Sorry," she offered in way of apology. "That restaurant was terribly stuffy and I felt like we weren't really having a good time." Draco verbally agreed, casting his eyes around her place for a clue to her name. He didn't trust himself in conversation with her until he knew.

Ah ha! There upon the chaise lay a quilt in gold and grey that boasted a large letter 'P'. Paris it was.

"No problem. Besides your flat is much cozier than mine. Coffins and skulls aren't really the best decor to bring a lady home to." Draco turned on the charm full blast and Paris laughed, tinkling peals that filled the small room, and gestured him to the chaise.

"Make yourself comfortable. I'll just grab my articles from the bedroom and prepare to be torn to shreds by your expert literary eye!" She pressed her hand to her chest and mimed fainting before grinning like a manic and skipping off and out of sight.

Draco paused. Had he misjudged this? Had she only brought him home to critique her - probably awful - writing? As he thought this, his tie hit the floor and shoes and socks were discarded. Oh well, he mused as his shirt joined his tie, committed to the bit now.

Draco could see the shock written all over Paris' face as she bounded back in and saw him in all his glory. He definitely heard the thud of her binder as it hit the hardwood floor.

"You're naked." Paris stated. Draco tried hard not to roll his eyes. "Why are you naked?"

"Well...because...we, uhhhhhh, this." Draco gestured between the two of them and firmly held her gaze, not offering further explanation and desperate not to be any kind of pity shag. As the seconds ticked by and he stood there awkwardly, he felt like he deserved one more and more for trusting Blaise and giving in to his ridiculous scheme.

And then the impossible happened. Paris shrugged and reached for the tie on her wrap dress, letting the silvery material fall to the floor next to her beloved writings. She had forgone any sort of underwear that night and Draco mentally punched the air as he smirked at the glorious sight before him and whisked her off to the bedroom.


Somewhere in the midst of his orgasmic haze Draco uttered a name with a gutteral cry as he flopped bonelessly onto her sheets. He was sure the name was 'Paris' and not 'Hermione' or 'St. Petersburg'. There was too much heat flooding his body to tell.

As the room and the pair, post coitus, cooled off, Draco felt the girl shift uncomfortably in his arms. His mind drifted and turned its attention back on her, hoping his urgent need for release hadn't left her hurt or scarred or -

"Draco, my name is Phoenix."

Bugger.


Author's Note: This is my first return to writing in quite a few years! Un beta-ed and thumbed out on my phone in the dead of night. The whole plot is a reference to the Season 4 episode of "How I Met Your Mother" entitled The Naked Man.

Disclaimer: I own no part of Harry Potter or HIMYM