Writings of Inquisitor Adryllis Invidius. For inquisition eyes only.

Notes on heretical cults: So extensive research and field experience, I have discovered that not all heretics worship either the dark powers, or many of the xenos that set themselves up as gods. Some are a little smaller and odder. If you come across these, check these notes for what to do:

Church of the Boiled Gods: Worship meals. They believe that they gain the strength of those they consume, then got lazy and decided that cooked food which is respected gives strength of spirit, so they didn't have to go and kill powerful creature to get their strength. The assistant who pointed out that this is technically how food works has been shot. Shoot anyone who asks for more or better quality food - which conveniently this part of most officers instructions anyway.

The Front Facers: Believe that time flows backwards, not forwards. What practical difference this has I don't know. Constantly late everywhere, and try to make clocks go backwards. Interfering with his holy timekeeping is heresy and must be punished accordingly. And they kept trying to get double holiday by claiming it hadn't happened yet.

The Divine Ascenders: Think low budget Machine Cult. Think that they can ascend to godhood by volunteering to become a servitor. I mean, useful, but just really sad.

The Krondian Heresy: Believe the whole planet of Krondia is a giant organism, which they worship. This is clearly lies and heresy, no matter the fact the planet did grow a huge eye and mouth and ate the invasion fleet. It was a trick played by, let's say, squats.

The True Believers: Don't have any believes - just put on air of mystery, making people want to join in the hope of finding hidden knowledge, leading to a hierarchy where one can slowly advance with promises of power to eventually the three members at the top who wanted to meet up on Tuesdays for recaff and needed someone to babysit and the whole thing got out of hand. On the plus side, it ensures anyone who would otherwise join a chaos cult to do magic learn nothing. So yeah, just leave them be.

The Emergent Folk: Believe that eventually, a great prophet while arise, and bring truth and freedom and justice. So they sit around not doing anything, waiting for them to arrive. I guess heresy does grow from idleness. Anyway, shoot anyone who isn't busy doing anything.

The Burning Serpents: Burn snakes. Probably heretical, honestly haven't looked much into this one. It just sounds weird.

The Emperor's Lance's: So these are people who believe that the Emperor actually became more powerful by going on the Golden Throne, as think that he was not a god before then. Heretical, but you can't tell them from loyalists. Its really annoying, not knowing if a group of loyal soldiers could be secret heretics. Just start killing squads randomly, it's what I do.

Cult of Sicarius: Consider Cato Sicarius to a manifestation of the emperor's will. Not heretical, but really annoying. Shoot on sight.

The Church of the Rock: They worship a rock. Like, not a boulder or mountain or whatever. A pebble. I keep it on me now. Thing is, they're quite fanatical about it, and agreed to fight for me as long as I don't destroy the pebble. They took one million casualties last week destroying a Necron tomb complex and they didn't seem care. These guy's are great! Shame I'm down to my last hundred thousand though, so if you see any more of these guys make sure to grab hold of them. Best heretical cult, 10/10 would not declare exterminatus again.

The Final Truth - The believe that the universe is just a simulation. There are two factions - the Idealists, who go around saying things 'Like, the whole world could just be a dream! Like, think about it. Whoa.' and the Disruptionists, who just go around doing annoying things to disrupt the simulation, like detailed discussions about toe nail clippings. Fun fact - you can reconvert 100% by pointing out someone would have had to take the time and effort to program in every fart in the galaxy.

The Cornite Heresy - Deluded Khorne worshippers, who just sacrifice corn. All vegetarian. I'm pretty sure this is just draining power from the Chaos Gods, so not sure if we should actually do anything.

The Cannon Riders - These guys set up homes inside warmachines, as they believe the machine spirits are gods, and that they will protect them. These must be exterminated at all cost, as they tend clog up the guns after a while. On the plus side, since they live in gun barrels, it's not very hard.

The Swords of Justice - A minor sect who claim swords are the only weapon the holy may use, and guns are the agents of heretics. Like, OK, we get it. Swords are nice and phallic. But just because you need to compensate doesn't need we all need to. It's just embarrassing. Shoot on sight.

Cult of Dagasr - This cult follows the teachings of the False Prophet Dagasr, who claims that he can teach them through meditation and discipline abilities to allow them to walk on water and survive fire. So far the tests show this is negative.

Kult of Dakka - Just a bunch of Orks wearing human masks. No idea how this started. I keep interviewing 'heretics' who are like 'yeah, I'm a hummie, but I'm not worshapin da False Boss!' and I'm just like 'what?'. They'll get bored eventually and stop wasting my time, but for now, kill them all so they stop annoying me.

So there you have it, Inquisitor! Find any of these cults, you know how to deal with it!

Still less ridiculous than Space Marine fluff. ;-)