Dance Studio.
The electric purple glow of the sign embraced Lovino in its light for the few seconds he was there, slinking down the stones steps and out of the rain. It was then that the music encountered him, next, and it rattled him to his bones.
No wonder Antonio loves dancing, he thought again, for the first time in a long time. It's an ever-changing thrill.
Lovino's ratty, old shoes scuffed off of the pavement square, the steps behind him and the raindrops still pricking the back of his neck. He sighed, throwing open the door to slip inside.
In the dull yellow light, Lovino got lost in the crowd of other viewers, got lost in the remix of a song he wanted to know, got lost in the sliver of dancing he saw from the window.
He leaned against the wall, arms crossed and eyes carefully watching for when Antonio would move across the hardwood floors. Quick and captivating.
And it was over too soon.
"Oh, is it still raining?" Antonio asked.
Lovino glared, as if his half-dried appearance had been overlooked. Probably had been.
Antonio grinned.
They left the building, racing up the steps to the rainy city landscape. Thunder rumbled as they darted out into the streets, disturbing the headlights and disturbing the streetlights.
Running down the shimmering, damp sidewalks, they headed for pizza.
Antonio was the sound of arrival.
He was the blink-and-you'll-miss-it.
Bright. Loud.
The restaurant bathed the streets in a scratchy and wet glow, and the two of them hurried underneath the plastic awning to get out of the rain.
The glass door was thrown open long enough that they could both slip in.
The heavy smells and sounds engulfed them, containing the odd little details that made them feel at home. There was the baking bread and ringing telephone.
Lovino smiled something small.
Antonio and him stole a booth. They had no need to look at the menus.
"Two cheese, two pepperoni. Sprite, no ice. Water, with ice." Antonio rattled off to their waitress with a glow in his eyes.
And Lovino? Lovino simply sat there.
He was quiet but he smiled at her. She ruffled his hair and went to give their order.
Antonio talked, but at times he talked with questions and at times he talked with beautiful and intricate words. Somewhere behind them, behind the glass wall with towering, empty pizza boxes, dough was being tossed in the air and fresh pizza was being cut and soda was splashing into empty glasses.
It was a matter of minutes before two plates and two glasses were set before them.
They ate, and they were content with the first bites that burned their mouths and the last bites that filled them up.
Antonio said something funny. Lovino huffed with scratchy, soft laughter.
Idiot. he signed.
Lovino was the sound of disappearance.
He was the silence.
Peace. Pain.
They first met at the park.
Two six-year-olds.
Scraped hands and knees. No words had been said.
Antonio left the playground too soon.
They met at the park again.
They became friends.
Nothing was working out.
Maybe the lines were too thin, and the colors too bright.
Lovino sighed. It just wasn't right.
He tried lifting some of the color he had applied to the canvas, tried mixing different hues. That was a pretty shade of blue, but it was unsettling next to the green he had chosen. And there was something about the mottled colors in the sky…
Lovino thought of discarding his work into the corner of the room. His brother Feli and him often placed the artworks that they got frustrated over there, and left them for the other to look at. Get possible inspiration. Leave them to collect dust.
He didn't.
Lovino dipped his paintbrush into the cut-in-half plastic bottle of water on the table, hearing its barrel click against the others he had sitting in there. Abandoned it. Nudged the easel until it tipped backwards and fell to the floor.
Thud.
He rubbed his eyes. Smeared yellow paint on his cheek.
He sat on the stool and managed to pull his legs up to his chest.
Feli came running up, out of curiosity and worry, and righted the easel. Gently placed the canvas in the corner.
The dirty water swirled with tiny blobs of paint.
Nothing's turning out right.
"Well, maybe a break will do you good. You've been at it for a few days now."
You've already turned in one of your submissions.
"And the deadline is still very far away, Lovi."
Lovino glared.
And he knew what Feli wanted to say again: It's better if they forget about mine sooner but still freshly remember yours.
He wiped the paint off of his cheek with his sleeve, and left the room.
The exhausting sunlight burned Lovino's eyes from where he sat at the café table. He huddled in a thin hoodie with a scowl on his face. What the hell was taking his brother so long? It was just lunch!
But Feli came around a minute later with their orders on a tray and his smile becoming bright like the sun that embraced them.
The warmth of toasted bread made the roofs of their mouths tingle, and cold lemonade made their chests ache. Condensation from the glasses and juice from the tomato slices made their fingertips numb. Maybe the basil sizzled, maybe it sang.
They sipped from their drinks and passed a notebook between them. There was the occasional bout of signing, with Lovino's hands caught in a flurry of movements. Feli talked. His voice was light and crisp, and Lovino loved the words he used.
"... and she was like- Lovi? Feli? I didn't know you guys would be here!" Emma exclaimed as her brother and her were leaving the café with pastries in hand. She scurried over to their table, with Lars not too far behind.
"Emma!" Feli greeted, standing up to hug her. "Hi Lars!"
Lovino smiled. It was something small. Hello Emma. Hello Lars.
And they talked.
Clear words. Mumbled words. Silence.
"So when I was with Antonio the other day at dance, we were talking," Emma started, and she grinned. "and I'm beginning to think he likes you, Lovi. Really likes you."
She was suddenly leaning towards him with big, bright eyes. At his tinted cheeks and ears, she began to giggle. Her blonde curls bounced.
"Really?!" Feli stated in disbelief, and Lovino hated the amused chuckle that Lars gave.
No, no, no. Lovino was quick to sign. His hands felt shaky at such a startling, uneasy revelation, true or not. Antonio and I are friends. We are just friends-
Emma's smile didn't seem to want to vanish. "You can believe that," she hummed. "but from how Antonio talked…"
Lovino's hands faltered, and he paused. His eyebrows furrowed.
"Well!" Emma announced, "We best be going, huh, Lars?"
Sometimes I don't understand her. Lovino signed when their two friends were gone, when lunch was over, and when Feli and him were walking again.
"She's only teasing, Lovi." Feli was saying. "You know how Emma is."
But the wind was screaming in Lovino's ears, and he didn't want his brother to repeat what he barely heard.
Lovino exhaled a deep breath.
The icy water, lit with lights that were electric blue, lapped at his bare feet. Night overwhelmed him, wrapping him in a blanket of creamy aurora and fireflies. A lantern hung at the other end of the pool. The moon was a cat's claw in the sky. Purple lilac hung and caught in the pond.
Been losing grip, on sinking ships.
You showed up just in time.
And he opened his eyes.
The… the painting was done. All he had to do was sign it.
Lovino huffed. It was the most he could do for laughter only he knew as thankful and relieved. He let the paint brush dip into the plastic bottle, let go of the pretty blue that matched the sky past the attic window. He found the magazine scrap with his black paint on it - scraped clean until it seemed like he was picking up the ink too. So he tossed it in the small trash can near by and settled on a white ink pen that was a couple of drawers away.
A cursive L crossed with a sketchy V, and Lovino hid his face with paint-covered hands. His first of four projects was done.
"Lovi…? Are you crying…?"
Lovino jumped.
Antonio was poking his head into the room, and there was the corner of the white pizza box too.
I could be. Should I be? I finally finished the first submission.
Antonio laughed.
Two slices of pepperoni, two of cheese. A two liter bottle of Sprite and plastic cups.
They ate. They drank. They got dizzy on a warm, sugary high.
And Antonio almost kissed Lovino.
But everything depended on emotion. It always did, and that was okay.
Antonio saw the fear explode in Lovino's eyes. The way his eyebrows furrowed slightly, and how he was tense and waiting. His hands were shaky. So Antonio pulled away, knew he had to, knew he wanted to. He felt terrible.
"I… I'm sorry, Lovi," Antonio stammered, "I, um… I- I… I understand, though…"
I… I don't care. It's fine, or… I don't know. Can we just…
"Forget about this?"
Yeah.
"Okay."
Lovino couldn't sleep, but he was trying.
He had the blankets pulled up to his chin, stretched out and warm and bathed in the TV light. Criminal Minds was loud enough only for him, and he was tempted to simply stay awake for the intricate plot of The Big Wheel episode.
He opened his eyes a bit.
It was one of his favorites…
Vincent opened the refrigerator two times.
Reached in for a blue plate with shining plastic wrap to sit it on the table. Unwrapped a sandwich. A diamond stared up at him. He glanced to the clock.
9:22.
Patted the knife he used down with a white kitchen towel and placed it in the drawer.
Took one slice. Wrapped it back up.
Opened the refrigerator door one... two times.
Put the plate away. Another glance to the clock.
9:22.
He would probably regret staying up to watch the episode, but sleep was hard to come by.
"... Stanley's been with me for… nine months now. The adoption papers came through last week, so we're moving to California."
The boy stacked another box onto the pile.
"Uh, Stanley's been blind since birth. His mom didn't want him to use a cane, so he, uh-"
Click, click, click. "My way around life."
They smirked.
"It's called, uh, echolocation. It's where the sound bounces off objects, kind of like, uh, a bat uses sonar."
Stanley grinned. "I'm the Batman."
Lovino didn't know when he managed to doze off, it hadn't been for long, but he found himself squinting at the angry embrace of hallway light. Feli held a laptop and Lovino could see the tears running down his red cheeks.
"Lovi…" he croaked.
Feli, what's wrong?
"M-Mama…"
Lovino lifted some of his blankets, a signal for Feli to join. Huddled beneath the blankets, he took the laptop to see. An email from their grandfather.
"... Stanley's missing and there's blood on the windowsill."
"Kate, did Vincent take Stan out? Was there a favorite place they liked to go?"
"A park, playground?"
"No, no-! Like I said, I only allow him to see Stan under this roof, under my supervision. He's been coming around more ever since I told him we were moving away..."
Lovino shut the laptop down, and they curled up together. Feli breathed on heavy and choking sobs. He buried his face in his brother's chest. Lovino ran his fingers gently through Feli's hair. The spring night was too hot for this, but neither of them cared.
It'll be okay. he kept mouthing repeatedly. Mama will be okay.
"What do you see? Tell me, Vincent. What do you see?"
"So many colors. Lights everywhere." Everything hurt.
Stanley's grip was holding Vincent's arm. "Is it here? The ferris wheel?"
"It's here."
"I-Is it like the one we built? Is it?"
"Uh huh, exactly."
"Then let's go." Stanley grinned.
Vincent stumbled, but still led Stanley to the beautiful ferris wheel.
Lovino felt his breathing hitch, and he buried his face into the pillow.
Feli's grip became weak on his shirt. He was struggling to keep his eyes open.
Go to sleep. he spelled on Feli's arm. It was getting difficult to hold back his tears.
"Is it beautiful? Can you see the stars, Vincent? Can you see the stars?"
"There's thousands of them. They're all over the sky. I bet if you lean forward, you can reach for them."
Stanley did. The cab tipped and creaked. He didn't know. Were the stars at his fingertips? Were the bright lights?
"I got you."
…
"Remember you said you'd wished he'd killed you? Y-... You can never, ever wish to be dead. Never wish for that."
They fell asleep.
It was Antonio's last dance recital.
No more Dance Studio.
He met Lovino backstage, who waited with gardenias and red roses.
Petals graced their feet as Lovino pulled him in for a harsh kiss.
And then Lovino ran away.
Lovino breathed.
The sky was a gentle, flowing blue. If he painted it, it would be a blue he could call Pacific. A blue he could call trust. A blue he could call wonder.
No clouds. Rain was scattered on his window.
And everything was black. Inky, like his stained fingertips, like the ruffled feathers of a raven.
It cast his room in an eerie, gray glow.
I know I'll always ache with an empty heart.
I think it's time to run 'cause I'm seeing stars,
I'm seeing stars watch me fall apart.
His phone was buried somewhere within the thick, gray blanket. The wires to his earbuds had appeared out of nowhere, but the hum of the song made him feel heavy and out of place. Yanking on the cord, his phone surfaced and he shut Pandora off.
Let his phone and his earbuds slide off of the bed. They hit the floor with a thud.
Oh, why?
Why did he do what he did?
Why did he decide to kiss Antonio? What was wrong with him? He knew this was a mistake, it had to be. Weren't they best friends? He was so stupid! Didn't he know it would bring the regretful thoughts and the hopeful thoughts? But didn't Antonio want to kiss first…? A week and a half ago?
What the hell.
I hate this, he thought. What are emotions and how do I use them properly?
The stairs outside of his room creaked, and Lovino buried himself underneath the blankets. Closed his eyes. When the the door opened, Lovino caught the creeping aroma of paints fill his room. An all-nighter. Feli sat on the edge of the bed, and stroked Lovino's hair.
"Oh Lovi…" started the tired whisper.
What? he wondered.
You're crazy. Feli would probably say. You're not best friends, you're in love.
He didn't say anything.
For once, it wasn't raining.
Summer could finally stop feeling so depressing.
Lovino only somewhat missed that background noise, though.
In silent screams and wildest dreams,
I never dreamed of this.
"Lovi?"
The music paused.
Feli stood to the doorway of the attic, wringing his hands and shifting his weight. His footsteps across the creaking floorboards were soft. "Toni's waiting for you. I didn't know you planned to do something together-"
Neither did I.
"Oh? Well, I can clean up here while you go see what he wants," Feli offered, and gestured to Lovino's mess of art supplies.
And if I don't go with him?
Feli hid his grin behind the magazine pages he was sorting through, making a pile for the clean and a pile for the painted.
The view from the hill was beautiful. The lights of the city were blinding but the noise was static. The sky bathed in late sunset and everything was black.
...
They were warm, and
maybe they weren't
afraid to kiss.
…
What the hell are we?
But Antonio didn't answer. He was looking at the sky, lips parted in slight wonder and eyes holding a mystic glow. Maybe he hadn't noticed the gentle tickle on his skin from Lovino's spelling.
They stared at the sky, sprawled out on the sparkling grass and surviving on cold air and crisp moonlight. There was only the crickets around them and the purring city below them.
"Can we be together?" Antonio asked suddenly, and Lovino almost forgot he had asked earlier altogether. His voice dropped to a soft, curious murmur. "Together-together?"
…
Weren't they always?
Lovino smiled. He nodded.
They kissed.
Stop moving.
Antonio laughed. The bristles of the paintbrush tickled.
His arms were covered in primroses.
Lovino answered the forgotten house phone when it began to ring. It did display their grandfather's number, after all. Feli came bounding down the steps from searching for something in his bedroom.
"Is it Grandpa?" he asked quietly. His amber eyes were wide and he was hesitant at the doorway, fingers edging towards the framework.
Lovino nodded once. He hummed into the phone.
"L-Lovino, it…" A paused. Muffled hospital noise. "It isn't good. It really isn't good."
He swallowed.
"I think it would best if the both of you fly out here. Would you tell Feli that?"
No. His vision blurred. He touched his cheek, blinking repeatedly to try and make out the wetness on his fingertips. His heart was beating too loudly in his chest, it hurt to breath.
He tried to hum again, but all that came out was a choked whimper.
Lovino placed a shaky hand to his mouth, the tears slipping past his fingers. The phone fell from his hands and to the floor.
"Lovi, wait!" Feli cried, catching his brother's wrist. "Please don't-!"
You don't.
"Lovi, she was my mom too…"
But you can say goodbye, can't you? You can say I love you, can't you? You barely remember her but you used to tell her you loved her all the time. I remember that all too well. What about your sickly brother, Feli?! I never got to tell her a single word, and now she's gone. ...When did everyone assume that for the mute kid, sign language and writing it down is enough? I… I…
Lovino's hands were shaking, that it was hard to continue his quick movements. He backed away at last, turning and stumbling for the stairs. He swayed.
"Lovi-!"
Darkness.
When Lovino woke up, tucked terribly into his blankets, Criminal Minds was playing. He squinted at the bright light, blinking and rubbing his cheeks raw. Zugzwang came into focus.
"... I'm here because I just hope that I can get the chance."
"Chance of what?"
"To be with you…" Deep breath. "Me for her - that was the deal, right?"
"You're choosing me over her?"
"Diane, how could it be anyone else?"
"Prove it."
"... Alright, how?"
"Say it again," Diane said. "This time, say it to her face." And the blindfold fell away.
There was Maeve, with tears in her eyes. Reid took a deep, shaky breath.
"... I don't love you."
Lovino turned the TV off. He threw the remote at the wall.
"I think he's sitting in front of the door. I tried opening it earlier, but it was locked, and it was easy for him to tell me to piss off on a piece of paper…"
Lovino heard Feli's voice before his footsteps, and frowned. If Antonio was with him, then they would definitely get in. Antonio knew where the bobby pin was ever since they were seven.
Before a chance could be given, he wrote his message, tore the paper out of the notebook, and slipped it beneath the door.
Go away.
He heard Antonio sit down on the other side of the door. He heard Feli go back downstairs.
"Are you okay, Lovi?" Antonio asked. "Feli told me that you had a rather nasty fall last night."
Yeah.
No, his head didn't hurt, not one bit. Lovino traced the edge of the notebook, cradling his cheek in his hand with closing eyes.
"Are you sure? I can get some medicine if you want."
He groaned.
Yes, I'm sure. he thought.
Please. he wrote.
Two white pills were passed beneath the door a couple of minutes later, placed in the middle of a sheet of paper.
"You'll have to open the door, Lovi, so you can have the water with them. Have you drank anything else yet? It's been a day since... Did Feli leave you anything to eat when he was up earlier?"
Lovino opened the door wide enough to sneak his hand out for the glass of water that Antonio handed him. He shut the door, but didn't lock it. Hoping the medicine would kick in to drive away the quick drumming in his head, Lovino crept underneath his blankets.
Antonio curled around him, as he came into the room at some point. Lovino listened to his breathing, to his heart, and liked the thrum of the fingers running through his hair.
"What was she like?"
I can't see the world around me now, I can't feel nothing but the breeze,
But I'm with you for the ride.
And there's darkness all around me know, I can't see nothing but the trees,
And I'm with you for the ride.
She was like everything for a five-year-old child. I just can't believe she's actually gone.
The two brothers were gone for a week.
The funeral was on a Wednesday.
Good news. An audition in August.
"Will you be my duet partner, Lovi?"
But I can't dance. Lovino signed before dipping his brush in a goldenrod paint. He carefully added highlights. Antonio watched from behind him.
It was a portrait of himself, though not incredibly realistic in style, with a flower crown of bellflowers, white roses, and marigolds. The only color was in the flowers, with a couple of petals falling away. Everything else was black and white.
Antonio was silent, and helped him find the magazine page with the red palette amongst clean pages and crumbled up paper towels and forgotten paintbrushes.
"Could you try? Let me teach you one dance?"
What's wrong with a solo?
"It isn't as thrilling!" Antonio instantly replied. "You've seen it, Lovi! Duets and groups - you don't know where to look because everything is so different and unique! It's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it experience! Solos are just… you're captivated but it isn't enough. It could be better…"
Duets and groups are just cheap tactics to make boring dances interesting. Lovino's teasing cackle consisted of small puffs of air.
Antonio ruffled his hair.
Fine, I'll try.
And that was how they ended up at Dance Studio, in a room with white walls and the lights turned off and dust dancing in the sunlight.
"You're beautiful."
I'll give you that one.
"You're perfect."
… No, I'm not.
"To me, you are perfect in every way possible." Antonio repeated.
Lovino looked away, not wanting to smile and not wanting to blush, but he did anyways. How he straddled Antonio on his bed made him feel a sudden vulnerability, but the hands on his waist were warm and comforting.
He leaned down, cradling Antonio's cheek with a hand and kissing him gently.
And that night, they were close. They were slow. Gentle.
Warm. A low, humming passion.
Antonio woke up the next day, alone, but with a yellow sticky note on the doorframe to his room and forget-me-nots painted on his naked body.
I love you.
The audition was upon them all too quickly, with three dances learned in two and a half months. There was also the time in-between Lovino had to take to finish the last two paintings and complete a small sketchbook.
They sat in a room with many others, of lone performers and other duets and intimidating groups.
Lovino picked at a thread on his black shorts, the clothes he and Antonio wore feeling skimpy to him. It felt like the thin, white shirt would slip right off of him, and he would take a couple of steps only to lose the ratty and colorful Converse on his feet.
He clicked his pen to life, and wrote to Antonio: Are you sure… this will be alright? That I'm your partner though I have no need to go to college here? They can't put you in the duet class without a partner, can they?
"I… I don't know. I could talk to Emma, because she's geared more towards both solo and duet… It doesn't hurt to try, though, does it?"
"Fernández and Vargas!"
Three years at sea after the storm,
On this sinking ship that love had put me on.
God I wish a gust of wind would come and carry me home,
But I got nowhere to go.
You see me in hindsight,
Tangled up with you all night,
Burning it down, down.
Some day when you leave me,
I bet these memories follow you around, follow you around.
And I had the week that came from hell.
And yes, I know that you could tell.
But you're like the net under the ledge,
When I go flying off the edge,
You go flying off as well.
Lovino was tossed into the air. He spun, breathless as the world around him froze, breathless as the lights approached his fingertips.
He fell back into Antonio's arms.
Did you get the letter yet?
They were laying on Lovino's bed, tangled together in dusty afternoon sunlight. Lovino stroked Antonio's curly hair, gently. He didn't like how Antonio's eyebrows furrowed, how his lips became a little frown. Those green eyes looked so sad.
His chest suddenly felt heavy.
"Yeah…"
… And?
A sigh. "All of that hard work… it was for nothing. I wasted our time, Lovi. I… I'm so sorry."
Antonio…
"We… we weren't good enough."
Lovino snapped upright. He took the pillow from behind him and smacked it down on Antonio's chest. Idiot!
More whacks. "Hey-! Lovi! Lovi, stop-! Ow!"
You're such an idiot! We weren't good enough? What kind of bullshit is that? We were wonderful! You created three dances, you taught them to yourself and to me, we practiced them and practiced them, all in two and a half months! We were literally dancing at two in the morning the day of the audition just to get every move right. We weren't good enough, my ass. Antonio, we were wonderful. You not getting picked is one hell of a mistake on those judges' parts.
Antonio was quiet. Lovino's hands had moved so quickly, so reassuringly, that he was left sitting there and watching, catching breath on words he hadn't spoken.
Lovino hadn't expected the hug.
"What about you?"
Lovino swallowed.
I… Grandpa's taking Feli and me to catch our flight for England at the end of the month. We both got in.
"That's great,"
Lovino smacked him with the pillow again.
It was crowded at the airport.
Say you'll remember me. Lovino signed, gaze drifting from Antonio's eyes to his lips, and back to his eyes. They were engulfed by the sunset. The kiss was gentle, and Antonio held Lovino close by his chin.
And Antonio said, "How could I forget?"
At some point, a small house appeared on the hill that overlooked the city. A small house that was perfect for two.
It was perfect for a boy who was the blink-and-you'll-miss-it and a boy who was the silence.
And if you were to ask me,
After all that we've been through,
"Still believe in magic?"
Well yes, I do.
Oh yes, I do.
Oh yes, I do.
Oh yes, I do.
Of course I do.
The house was flooded with moonlight, refrigerator light, and music.
A pizza box sat on the table. Bits of crust. It had been two cheese, two pepperoni.
Lovino and Antonio stood close together, arms around necks and on waists. They smelled like paint and their feet were cold on the hardwood floors. Their kisses were soft, soft and wonderful.
On the doorframe in the kitchen where they danced, was a single sticky note that was yellow and wrinkled. There was faded handwriting that said: I love you.
Below it, in handwriting that was newer, there was: I love you too.
A/N - This has been my last like two weeks, haha. I would like to thank my wonderful friend, The Forgotten Traveller, for helping me with this when I needed it. I told you it wouldn't be tragic! ;)
I hope you've enjoyed this!
