Prologue
It wasn't that he didn't enjoy Christine and her company, actually for a time he had thought he had been in love with her. For crying out loud, they had been engaged. However, as time went on, and they began to plan their wedding, Mac realized that he really wasn't in love with Christine as he was with the idea of being in love and not being alone.
His palms were sweating as he picked up his cell phone apprehensively and dialed Christine's number. As the phone rang, he settled himself down and sipped from a glass of water to quench the dryness in his throat. Why'd I let it go this far? I always said I'd be careful at this kind of thing, and I completely jumped the gun… I don't want to hurt- His train of thought was cut off by Christine answering on the other end of the line, "Hey." She sounded cheery, as he'd of expected, and welcoming. It took all that he could to keep his voice normal.
"Hey… Uh… Can we..Uh…maybe…" He didn't know how to say what he wanted to, but this was something that had to be done or they'd pay for it later on down the road. "Can we meet up somewhere? Maybe I can take you to lunch or something?"
"That'd be nice, when?" She obviously didn't seem to sense the nerves in his tone.
"20 minutes. See ya then."
"Ok, I love you." Mac hung the phone up quickly, pretending he hadn't been on the line when she'd said the last part of the conversation. This wasn't supposed to have happened.
On the way over to Christine's, Mac turned the radio off in his vehicle to better think. Why? I always take care of things at work, I have good judgment, I know myself, I don't understand how this ended up happening. This is the last thing I want to do. He began talking out loud in the car, "Claire, I know you told me to be happy. I know that you're okay with me… moving on… And one day I might, but today isn't that day. I'm sorry if I'm letting you down, but I have to do what I feel is best for me." He pulled into Christine's driveway, and she was coming out the door at once. She had dressed up, obviously expecting a better time than what Mac had planned. She looked radiant, there was no denying that, and he knew it'd be hard to keep focused on the matter at hand rather than her skimpy but not slutty cocktail dress in a shade under black but not quite grey with pearls on as a necklace and earrings. She had her hair twisted atop her head and heavier makeup than she would usually wear.
"What's wrong?" Christine asked knowingly as Mac forced down a swig of coffee.
"Nothing." He lied,
"Tell me now, Mac." She demanded, biting into her club sandwich and smudging her lipstick ever so slightly. "You called out of the blue to take me to lunch, you don't want lunch, and you have hardly touched your coffee? What's up? I'm going to be your wife; I need to know these things." She offered a comforting smile, but Mac ignored her. Did she really have to say that? He was driven even deeper into the pain after hearing her refer to herself as his future wife.
"Christine," Mac grasped her hand in the center of the table and connected to her eyes, "You're right, there is something wrong and I don't know how to say it."
"Just say it, Mac, you can tell me anything you should know that by now." She was so ready to help, so ready to be warm and comforting and sweet. He was about to break her, he was certain of it, which made him sick to his stomach not to mention feel like a major ass.
"Christine, you gotta know I care for you… Very much so. " She nodded, but not a word she spoke. He continued on shakily, letting his heart do the talking instead of trying to process logic through his mind or any way of making her feel better. Everything would have to be blunt, unfeeling, and brass, there wasn't any way around it and sugarcoating wouldn't do anything any good. "You're a beautiful woman, Christine, not to mention smart and kind and true, you're funny, you're…" He cut the chase, "You're a great woman, but," seeing in her eyes that something had changed and she knew the end result of this conversation wouldn't be a good one he kept talking, ignoring the tears in her eyes that began forming, "It's not that I don't care about, I do…. A lot… But I'm not ready to get married again."
"Mac, don't say that..." She started to beg, "You're scared, it's understandable, but don't throw away us… Don't throw me away like a-"
"I'm not throwing anything away," Mac tried to comfort, reaching across the table to stroke her cheek. "Don't get me wrong, Christine, you're a good friend and you'd make a great wife for someone out there…" He whispered the next part simply because he felt he must say it, even though it'd sting, "Just not for me." She was now crying fully, gasping for air and clenching onto napkins.
"You asked me to marry you! Mac, you asked me! You were certain that you loved me and wanted to be with me forever! Our wedding is in less than 10 months and you're dumping me? You said you were moving on from Claire and starting a future with me! What happened?"
"I do love you, just not as a wife. I'm sorry, I really am, and if I could find a way to make this any easier I would, but I cannot do that. Don't cry, please, I still care about you more than-"
"Shut up, Mac!" She yelled, causing many eyes to drift towards them. "Are you breaking up with me? You understand if you let me go, I am NEVER coming back to you!" She wasn't hurt and upset anymore, just mad and turning hostile.
"I'm sorry, Christine." His eyes pled her not to hold it against him; she stormed off, stopped slipping the ring off her finger and flung it at him harshly. The ring hit his right cheek and fell into his open palm. He shoved the jewelry into his pocket and took off out the door and down the sidewalks until he caught up with her. "Can I drive you home, at least?" He offered, panting.
"No, I'll take a cab. Get out of my life, Mac Taylor, I hate you!" She shoved Mac roughly with anger and disdain, a taxi pulling up right beside her to let out passengers, and Christine gladly took her place in the cab.
As Mac lay in bed that night, many confusing emotions washed over him. He was proud of himself; he had done the right thing. If he had married Christine all that would happen would be a bad marriage followed by a nasty divorce. Who knows how long it would've lasted, but by the time the divorce finalized he would probably be too old to think about dating and he'd be retiring soon and he'd of been lonely for his golden years. Claire was okay with him going on, he knew that, and maybe he wasn't totally okay with it yet. He needed more time, he knew, to actually think about the idea. Everything with Christine was so rushed; the case in which he had been inspired to propose to her had done that… Inspired him. Mac was in love with the idea of being in love again, not with Christine. Even though he knew Claire wouldn't mind him moving on, he wasn't even entirely sure he ever would. Only time would tell. He was hurting too, even though he wasn't in love with Christine, he did love her. He didn't want to hurt her and he knew that when she got into that taxi cab earlier, he knew he'd likely never speak to her again. He wished the best for her, and for himself, but mostly he wished he could go back in time and change the way he'd gone about things… He'd of never proposed because within a couple weeks of doing so he had had his doubts, and as weeks turned into months he knew what a mistake he had made. Oh well, at least I made things rights… He tried to keep himself in a good mood, he'd have to be to work early tomorrow and he could feel another night of insomnia awaiting him.
A/N This is the prologue, I am not entirely sure where this story is going so hang in there with me. Hope you enjoy, reviews of any kind are much appreciated :)
