When I first saw him again, I was startled by how much like James he looked.
It was only later that I discovered that his looks only went about as deep as skin, inside, he was all Lily…and strangely, some of Remus, with a little of James' sense of Righteousness. Unsurprisingly, I found nothing that screamed 'Padfoot!' in him right away.
He really is more like Remus than any of us, slow to trust, fiercely protective of those he values, and inspiring lasting loyalty from those around him, I guess Remus had more impact on him than he believed.…I was surprised how quickly he trusted me, after we went from Enemies to family in a night. I'll never forget how warm I felt when he agreed; quiet happy to come live with me.
When I first met him, I thought it'd be like having James around again…I guess, in a lot of ways, I was still at the denial stage of grief. I wanted James back, and I saw him in Harry.
I later learned how very different they were, but it still took me a long time to separate the two; my beloved Godson and my Best friend.
Don't get me wrong, logically, I know James is dead…I know Lily is dead, and I know that the moody fifteen-year-old is my Godson, Harry. Logically, I can separate the two. It's easier, I think, when Harry needs me to be the adult and not the friend. When his nightmares strangle him in their coils and he needs someone to wake him up and save him from them.
In that way, he's a lot like Remus. So quiet, so willing to hide his pain to protect the people he loves. It's almost creepy, thinking and knowing that Remus had no more contact in his life than I did before that year, and yet somehow he and Harry are like two Peas in a pod.
Remus avoids him now, I think he's scared of what he sees in Harry, or maybe he's trying to yield to me. I wish he'd listen when I tell him Harry NEEDS him, Remus was the first Adult to whom Harry gifted his trust in a long time, even I, old blind Padfoot, can see that.
Last year, I discovered how alike Harry and I are…When he was in the Triwizard tournament. Oh no, he didn't do what I would have done entirely, I would have milked the position for all it was worth, used it to get girls and the like, but, much like me in the way that neither of us would simply give up…and that both of us are willing to die for those we love.
I'd die for him, in a heartbeat. I hope he's never put into a position where he can choose to die for me. I couldn't live with that.
But Harry, he's so grown up; I don't think he realizes that adults are supposed to protect him, not the other way around. And Dumbledore's next to no help in that department. For the last four years, Dumbledore has let Harry handle his problems, even in his first year. It's enough to make me scream.
I'm worried about him this year…he's alternately moody and quiet, I understand that he can't write as much…but it scares me to think of what he's hiding. Even Remus agrees that he is, and it takes a very cold day in hell to get Remus to agree with me on anything.
Molly says it's a stage…and I guess maybe she would know, with all those boys, but I can't help but think it's something more than just a 'stage' or anything. Something tells me there's something terribly wrong with my Godson, and it scares me to death…I wonder about so many things, why he called just to ask about his father, why he's kept quiet about so many things McGonagall has reported…Like Umbridge singling him out.
I just hope, this time, Dumbledore's grand plan doesn't end up getting someone killed, especially Harry. I love him too much to lose him again.
Sirius Black,
June 1st
