This is my first Law and Order: SVU fic... All reviews are welcome.. uhhhmmmm:
Enjoy!
BTW: I don't own anything as usual and the song is property of Rascal Flatts called Holes
There's three in the hall
From the pictures in the closet
Two in the bedroom
From that night I lost it
And one deep inside me
Determined to stay
They don't get any bigger
But they don't go away
Holes in and around me
I keep fallin back in to
Hole's dig in and surround me
God knows what I'm gonna do
To fill in these holes left by you
Left by you, (Left by you)
I poured drink after drink
But nothin' hit bottom
I've been on my knees
Admitted my problem
The love that we made
Is still barely an echo
And I'll try anything
In these vacant hollow
Holes in and around me
I keep fallin back in to
Hole's dig in and surround me
God knows what I'm gonna do
To fill in these holes left by you
Left by you, (Left by you)
There's two through my hands
and one though my heart
From this cross that I'll bear
till the day that I see
It's guilt and it's blame
It's shame and it's hell
Seeking the truth, I've
dug them myself
All these holes dig in and surround me
God know what I'm gonna do
To fill in these holes left by you
Left by you, left bye you, left by you,
left by you
Night after night for the past week I've occupied this spot until late in to the early morning hours. Everyone leaves telling me to do the same, I say I will but they know I won't. My partner stays until I tell her to get some rest for the time when she'll need her energy..... and she does go, but not until I promise to call if I need her.......
What used to be my home is simply a building with a bed, food, and a bathroom. The only time I spend there is when I can't bear to comb through file after file of rapes, abuse, and neglect.
But that is what ultimately put these black, empty voids deep within my soul. Not being able talk about the cases made the home a house.
That is why I often spend my resting hours up in the crib because I cannot bear to go back to the quiet, empty house. Kathy took the kids to her parents, I've spoken to each of them once since this unsteady chunk of life finally crumbled off.
Maureen is angry, not with me and not with Kathy, but with us both..... for not trying harder.
Kathleen wants nothing to do with her mother, she begged me to let her come home to me.
Dickie is trying to be the man and care for his sisters and his mother.
Lizzie is simply giving in and giving up, she's frightening me the most.
Honestly, I don't know what to tell them because I am lost myself.
I haven't a clue as to how to salvage what Kathy and I once had, if ever we had it. There is only one true way to solve this, quit SVU...... Not in a mllion lightyears.
SVU and what it entails is what truly led to the holes that now litter my psychi.
Kathy wanted in to my world so terribly, but I just couldn't let her. She wouldn't understand the hell I see day in and day out. My work is not dinner table conversation. I look at my kids, my girls especially, and I think about how lucky I am that they're safe and sound. The world I work in involves beaten children, little girls being raped, and parents who decided that kids just weren't in their plans anymore.
Then I look at the faces of Maureen, Kathleen, and Lizzie. It's a world I want so much to protect them from. Maureen I can't so much anymore because of college, but I still try.
Now all I have left is work...... and Olivia.
I know Kathy wants this divorce because of my relationship with Olivia. Hell I spend more time with Olivia and confide almost my every fear and emotion in her. Perhaps I didn't see it before, but the truth is that my relationship with Olivia has grown more important than the husband and wife relationship that I had with Kathy.......
Funny, I guess I never wanted to admit that to myself.
Everything seems to be in a downward spiral until I hit rock bottom, bruised and worn like the vics I'm forever going to help.
Holes dig in and surround me
God knows what I'm gonna do
To fill in these holes left by you....
Well? I might make this a multi-chapter fic, but it's your call.......
