Title: This (and so much more)
Rating: PG
Summary: It is her first birthday without Papa.
Disclaimer: Not my characters.
Author's Notes: Written for the lj comm everyfiveyears .

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts
that trail along the floor--
And this, and so much more?--
It is impossible to say just what I mean!

-- TS Eliot "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"


It is her first birthday without Papa and instead of leaping out of bed, Irina hides under the covers and tries not to cry. Moscow is cold; Irina thinks she'll never be warm again. She's wearing the red mittens Papa gave her at the beginning of winter; the first new things she's ever had.

"These are for you, moy lapichka," he'd said. Then he'd kissed her, gone to work, and never come back.

Irina knows he's dead and he's not coming back. Sometimes she wishes she was dead too.

"Rishka! Wake up!" Katya bounces on the mattress. "Wake up; it's your birthday!"

Irina sticks her head out like a turtle peering out from its shell. "Go away, I'm sleeping."

"Liar." Katya smiles. "Lena says she'll take us to Red Square, if you want to go."

"What about Mama?"

"Mama has to work today." Katya pulls the blankets open. "So, come on!"

"I don't want to go. I want Papa."

Katya sighs. After a moment, her expression brightens. "I'll teach you how to pick pockets."

"Mama won't like it."

"Mama won't know."

Irina chews her lip. "Lena won't like it, either."

"Well, she doesn't have to know then."

"Okay." Irina climbs off the bed and gets dressed.

Twenty minutes later, she and Katya are chasing each other as they walk to Red Square with Elena.

"If you two are not going to behave, I'll make you go home," Elena says.

"Can't!" Katya laughs. "It's Rishka's birthday; she can do what she likes."

"Well, it's not your birthday," Elena snaps.

Katya is undeterred. She snatches Irina's scarf and says, "Catch me if you can!"

Laughing, Irina runs after her and crashes into a tall man. She looks up at him, growing frightened when she sees the frown on his face.

"Comrade Khasinau, I'm sorry." Elena hurries over to where they are standing. Even Katya has stopped laughing, and watches from a distance.

Khasinau tips his head to Elena. "Elena Arkadyevna."

Elena squeezes Irina's shoulder. "Say sorry to Comrade Khasinau."

"Sorry," Irina mumbles, wishing desperately that Papa could be here.

"What's your name?" Khasinau says.

Irina glances at the ground until Elena squeezes her shoulder again. Tears spring to her eyes but she blinks them away. "Irina."

"It's nice to meet you, Irina Arkadyevna."

Irina looks at Elena then looks back at Khasinau and smiles weakly. She doesn't like this man, she wants to go home, and she wants Papa.

Khasinau turns his attention to Elena again. "You've applied to the Academy?"

"Yes." Elena smiles.

"Your father would be proud of you."

"I hope so."

Irina slips away to join Katya but she no longer has any interest in learning how to pick pockets. When Khasinau finally walks off, Irina runs back to Elena.

"Can we go home now?"

"You sure?"

"Yes." Irina nods. "I want to go home. I'm cold."

Elena shrugs. "Alright."

When they get back to the apartment, Irina crawls into bed fully dressed and cries.

She wants her Papa.