Why am I doing this to myself? Why does my mind keep going back to him? I don't want to think about him but I can't help myself. I never told a soul that I had feelings for this person. I'm glad because word would have gotten around and his brother would have beaten my ass to a pulp. I knew I couldn't keep this inside any longer. I had to tell him how I felt.

I went over to his house in the evening unannounced. I rang the doorbell and waited. The door opened and there he was, the love of my life. I couldn't stop this stupid grin from spreading on my face. I saw his brows furrowed and realized he asked me a question and because of my creepy staring I didn't hear it. He laughed and asked me again. He asked what was I doing there. I told him that I need to tell him something important. He smiled, nodded and waited.

As I started to pour my heart out to him, his smile slowly began to fade. When I finished he just stood there silently staring at me. He told me he was flattered but he was seeing someone. I asked who and as soon as the question left my mouth, I regretted asking. It wasn't my place to ask. If he wanted to tell me who he was seeing he would have already told me.

He told me his boyfriend's name was Bucky. What the fuck kind of name is that, I asked myself. I asked him if he was happy. He nodded and smiled this beautiful smile that is now reserved for his guy. I told him I was happy for him and wished him and his beau the best. He gently brushed his lips against mine and hugged me. He held me and told me that my own love was out there and that they were waiting for me.

I wanted to believe him so badly but I knew no one was out there for me. Who would want a guy who was so fucked up that they could barley leave their own house and had daddy issues? I went home and I made myself dinner. I decided to go for a swim in the indoor pool. I floated on my back for awhile until I was relaxed. I took a deep breath and just went for it.

I slowly released my breath. I did it. My eyes started to feel heavy. I could heart my heart starting to slow down. Here at the end all I could think about was him. His warm smile, his laugh, even how he smelled. I know he'll be alright because he is so much stronger than me. He always was. Now that he has someone he won't be alone. A thought that made me angry before now comforted me.

Loki

Loki

Lo-Loki

L-