AN: Hey everyone!
So here's another Hitsuhina story, but this is not going to be like the other ones I have written. This is a much darker story, and I got the inspiration for it when I was feeling a little low a few weeks ago. Because of the depressing situations, this means that there is going to be EXTREME OOCness, but I hope it's also realistic. I don't think this story will run much longer than 3-5 chapters, but let's see how we go :D
NOTE: I'm considering if I should change the rating to M because of some of the dark themes and violence that'll happen later on. If at any point you think this story should be M rated, please don't hesitate to say so, and if get enough people saying that this story should be M, I'll change the rating.
With that said, WARNING: This is potentially borderline M rating; it contains dark themes and some violence.
Disclaimer: I own this laptop, these assignments that are due in soon, this copy of Phantom of the Opera movie from 2004, these albums of heavy metal artists, these meringues I just made, and these feet resting on the coffee table, Tite Kubo own BLEACH and the image used for the cover belongs to pink-pink from deviantART.
Through Cracked Ice
Chapter One: Hairline Fracture
"Taicho, are you sure about this?"
Hitsugaya didn't' to need to look back at his lieutenant to know the expression she wore was one of concern and uneasiness. She had that look since he first mentioned the idea of coming here. She protested, coming up with excuses that didn't budge him from his goal, and so she gave in, but only if she was allowed to go with him. He'd agreed to her terms; and now here they were, in the fourth division, standing outside the door of one of the recovery rooms.
He wondered if his expression had changed to reflect his emotions, but he felt so sure he had kept up the icy exterior. "Matsumoto, you can go," he eventually replied.
He heard a frustrated sigh escape from her lips. "You know I can't. What if something happens?"
He frowned, and couldn't help the annoyance that crept into his system."I'm capable of taking care of myself, I'm not some kid you know."
"That's not what I meant," she said, frustration rising in her voice "You haven't seen her since the war! What makes you think she is in the right state of mind to see you? Do you remember what I told you about her?"
How could he forget? He glanced to his side, seeing in peripheral her strawberry blonde blonde hair. Rangiku had told him of the time she came to visit her, the current resident of this room. It resulted in the Rangiku having the smile wiped clean from her face, and a faint, barely-torn scrap on her arm. When her captain had asked her about the incident, she didn't tell him immediately, not knowing how he would react.
"I don't know what she will do, taicho." Rangiku continued after a pause. "In this state, she's unpredictable, unstable… Things might not go as you want them to, and I don't want to see you get hurt again, sir."
Her concern touched him, but his determination was stronger. "Thank you, Matsumoto…but I know what I'm doing. Don't interfere, no matter what happens, is that clear?"
She looked at the back of his head wide eyed. Was he insane?! "Taicho, what are you-?"
He curtly turned around. "Is that clear?" His voice was hard, and h pronounced ever word clearly and slowly, as if she didn't understand his language.
She scanned his eyes, trying to see if there were any cracks behind the determination in the turquoise eyes.
She saw so many.
She saw that through the thick ice he had built up and past the unwavering determination, there was web of cracks. The cracks were to his soul, a soul that was currently in pain. It was raw pain, linked straight to the heart. She knew all too well that kind of pain. It ate away at the heart until it painfully gave up life. Until it gave up on the hope that someone would come back…Someone you desperately want back, no matter what.
Rangiku knew that kind of pain too well.
And she knew she couldn't change his mind once he made it.
This was his fight now, not hers.
Was it for pride? She didn't know. She had always known never to interfere in a fight that was for pride. But as she looked at him, her small, white-haired taicho, she realised what this fight was for; and she admired him for it.
Realising the silence had dragged out for long enough, she gave a single not and said firmly. "I understand, taicho."
Hearing her confirmation, he turned back to the door. When he was sure Rangiku couldn't see his expression, he let his mask slip. In truth, despite his desperate attempt to mask his emotions, he was frightened. He was frightened of what was to come, and what would happen once he opened the door.
Would she scream and claw at him? A 'caged animal' some had described her as…but was it true? If it weren't he would have come running to her side during her recovery. He wouldn't be a coward any longer. He was going to do it today. He was going to face her, and prove to everyone she wasn't completely lost. Was it really to prove it to everyone though…or to himself?
He shook the thought from his mind, and the pain in his heart. His hand took hold of the handle. He breathed in, trying to calm his pounding heart. He heard his heartbeat in his ears, and as he slid the door open, his heart seemed to stop.
There was a faint light coming through the curtains, lighting the small area in front of the hospital bed. The room was dark, and the only sounds he could hear were the members of the fourth division working in the background.
His eyes finally landed on her.
She was turned away from him, sitting upright in the bed with the sheet over her legs and her hands in her lap. She was looking at the window, as if the curtains weren't drawn in front of it. He could only stare at her, the very sight of her a shock to him and enough to cease all coherent thoughts in his mind. From behind he saw her hair, usually tied up in a bun, was now a loose, frail ponytail. Her skinned was nearly the same colour as the white robes of a patient she was dressed in.]
Even as he stepped into the room and closed the door behind himself, he didn't look away from her. Upon hearing the door close, she turned to him. Her eyes, a lifeless brown, sparked some colour in them once they landed on him.
She sheepishly smiled. "Hello, Shiro-chan."
Hearing the nickname fall from her lips after so long caused his heart to clench. He held back a cringe. The last time she had said his nickname…she was in his arms, bloodied, dazed and confused.
"Hinamori…" He trailed off, unable to piece a sentence together.
She jolted upon hearing her name. The smile wore off, and all she did was stare back at him. She moved a hand from her lap and tugged the bed sheets away. She slipped her legs off the bed and sat on the edge. Her eyes on him intently the whole time, as if he were an animal about to pounce on her.
"Shiro-chan…Hitsugaya-kun," she corrected herself. "…You came…just as I thought you would." She patted the space next to her, inviting him to sit.
Despite her fatigued state, see still had some energy to her old self. He frowned. Something wasn't right still. He stepped towards her "How did you know I would come?"
As if sensing he had no intention of sitting down, she stood up and slowly walked to him. "I just had a feeling today that you would. I'm glad that you did."
Hitsugaya wasn't quite sure how to respond. He stood before his childhood friend, who he known for countless years, and this was one of those rare moments where he couldn't think of something to say. He looked into the dull chocolate brown eyes, and beyond the lifelessness, he saw the weak chains that connected to her heart, to who she was. So long as he could see that she was 'still there', he didn't know what to say or do.
"Hitsugaya-kun…are you alright?"
He was shaken by the attentive tone in voice, and the hand that barely touched his cheek. He wasn't use to her acting like this. He bitterly chuckled. The words escaped him before he could suppress them. "Aren't I supposed to ask you that? Don't you remember what happened before?"
She didn't react how he expected. She smiled and whispered. "Yes, I'm alright…for the moment. Unohana-taicho says that I'm…not well. I feel fine though. Much better then when I woke up…" She turned her head away, and spoke to herself "Yes, much better…"
Then, as if the previous smile had merely been part of a performance, genuine sadness drenched her features. She looked back to Hitsugaya, the hand slipping away. "And yes, I do remember what happened."
He couldn't hold back the cringe this time. A faint expression of anguish contorting his features. He had hoped that she wouldn't remember his actions that lead up to coma. He cursed himself in his head.
A wobbly smile curved her lips. "B-But it's okay…it's really…" Even as she tried to reassure him, her body shook and stepped away from him. "I-I-I really….Really d-don't…don't…" Her eyes darted around the room frantically, as if looking for an escape. Her hands clutched her elbows, dampening the robe with sweat. Her expression was one of utter panic and hopelessness.
Confusion shot through his system as he watched her change into a shaking wreck. He took a slow step towards her. "Hinamori?"
As soon as she heard her name, her attention went back to him. Tears were falling from her wide eyes. "Don't come near me! Don't come near me! Neither of you! Stop, both of you!"
Hitsugaya stopped. 'Both of you?' He looked around the room but saw no one. He looked back to his childhood friend. "Hinamori, there's no one else here."
She shook her head. "No! No, he's right behind you! Shiro-chan, get away from him! Get away from him! Don't let him get you!" She stripped over own feet and stumbled backwards. She landed the floor with a loud 'thump', but her eyes were set on the place over his shoulder. "No! Don't get any closer, Shiro-chan! I don't know what I'll do! I don't know what Aizen-taicho will do!"
That did it.
He let the icy expression fall, and his true emotions showed. He was confused and in agony that she was in fear of something that didn't exist…or was it she feared him?
His body drove him towards her in a rushed step. His arms wrapped around her tightly. "Hinamori, calm down" he said as levelly as he could.
She began to thrash against him. She punched him on the back and tried to twist her body out of his grip. "No! No, let me go! He's coming for the both of us! I have to run away before he-!"
"There's no one there, Hinamori!" His voice was louder now, the false calmness evaporating in seconds.
"Hitsugaya-kun!"
His hold on her tightened. "HINAMORI, I'M HERE!"
The beatings on his back stopped, and he felt her body stop against his. He heard her gasping for air. All he heard was their breathing. He unconsciously began to count how many breaths she was taking. It was as if he were checking to make sure that she was still alive, that she was still the Momo Hinamori he grew up with.
She hadn't fully given into the beast that was trying to control her.
The beast known as 'insanity'.
"I'll go get Unohana." He said, about to move away.
She clung to him as if he were a life raft saving her from unstable waters. She buried her face in his captain's haori. "Hitsugaya-kun…" she sobbed "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…I don't know what to do."
"Unohana will know."
"Don't go…please."
The plead was enough for him to hold her again.
He let her cry, wail and sob into his body. He held her frail form to his, kneeling on the floor. He hated seeing her like this. She was like a tiny, fragile flower, and if he let go, she would crumble and wither away. His heart ached so badly he felt some tears pricking at the rims of his eyes. He would let take all of his strength if she needed to. She could take everything he had, everything, if he meant helping her to recover.
"Hitsugaya-kun…" she spoke in a hushed whisper. "If I asked you to do something for me, right now…would you do it?"
She sobbed, jolting his body again. He raised his head to her ear, and whispered back. "Anything."
"Shiro…chan."
He waited, not bothering to correct her about his nickname. Her voice was paper-thin, now that she had calmed down from the sobs and wailing. He felt her trying to push away from him, and he let her. She pulled herself away just enough to look up at him. Her complexion was ashen, tears still fell from her red, puffy eyes, and her bottom lip quivered.
She took in a breath, calming the quivering lip and the tear flow. She looked at him with new eyes. They were almost like the eyes of the old Hinamori. They were so full of life and conviction he thought he had finally broken through the barriers that had stopped her from returning.
"Shiro-chan…kill me."
All sound ceased.
There was a piercing silence ringing in his ears, and all that seemed to exist was the dark room. His eyes widened from the moment the last word left her lips. He had heard the words her whispering voice said clearly.
Yet despite this, he asked in shock "What?"
"Kill me…" she replied almost immediately. "Shiro-chan, you said you would do anything for me! Kill me, before I do something crazy – "
"No!" he cut her off. "What the heck are you saying?! Do you even hear yourself?! I won't let you do anything crazy, so just stop! The Hinamori I knew wouldn't give up like this, so don't you dare try to escape this by killing yourself!"
Her eyes widened, as if surprised that he didn't go through with her request. She was expecting him to? How could he? Why would she even think…?
He winced as he realised he used bad wording. The harsh realisation was quick to strike his heart, which clenched painfully as the memory flashed before his eyes. She still didn't know why he had…He couldn't even finish, it was too painful. Seeing her impaled on Hyourinmaru in his memories was enough for him to stop all of his thoughts.
She looked away. "Why won't you…do it?" She threw herself away from him. "It's not an escape…"Her sadness turned to rage once more. Her eyes burned into him, her mental state now totally broken. "IT'S NOT AN ESCAPE!"
There were no more chains connecting to the Hinamori he knew. Every link was shattered before his eyes as he gazed at the creature before him, who had taken the hollow body of Momo Hinamori. It had completely bleached out her soul. "You think that this is an excuse to run away?!" she screeched "You've killed me before, right?! Why can't you do it again?!" She grinned manically. "I've been stabbed through the heart so many times, physically and metaphorically! Isn't it about time one of those strikes KILLED me?! Why hasn't it happened yet?! What cruel force is keeping me alive, Shiro-chan?! Ican't go on living knowing I'm ALWAYS going to be stabbed in the HEART!"
The door slammed open, and before he could react, fourth division members restrained the thrashing girl. She screamed profanities and curses at him, but she didn't look away from the tenth division captain.
Isane was among the fourth division members, ordering them to perform kido to calm down the screaming girl. As they did, she turned to Hitsugaya. "I apologize, Hitsugaya-taicho" she said solemnly. "I think it would be best if you left for now." She looked back to the scene behind her. "Again, I apologize." And with that she rushed to her division members to help them detain and calm the girl.
Hitsugaya was speechless, and the sight before him was tearing away at his heart. She screamed and thrashed and clawed at the division members, and even drew blood. The barely injured division member staggers back, clutching his cheek and cringing.
Too shocked to control himself, Hitsugaya's relied on his body, which pushed itself away from the scene.
He turned his back on Hinamori.
"Hitsugaya-kun! Shiro-chan!" His childhood friend screamed at him. "SHIRO-CHAN! AIZEN-TAICHO! NO!"
The door closed the moment he left the room, muffling her cries and screams.
He hadn't realised he was sweating until he felt a cold, gentle wind wash over him. His limbs shook and all he could do was stare at the floor. Rangiku, seeing her taicho exit, rushed to him. "Taicho! Taicho, what's happening?! Are you alright?"
He couldn't hear her past the loud ringing in his ears. The ringing turned into her screams.
"Shiro-chan! SHIRO-CHAN! AIZEN-!"
"TAICHO!"
The call out to him combined with the jerk of his body brought him back to reality. He looked up at Rangiku, who had her hands on his shoulders and look of urgency.
"She was shocked when she saw his expression. She quickly let go, but stayed at the close distance. "Forgive me, taicho, it's just…you were…I…" She was lost for words as she looked at him.
He looked defeated.
He looked like a lost child.
The determination she saw in his eyes was gone, and now all that lay among the ruins was shock and pain.
His raw emotions.
It frightened her to the core. Where was her strong captain that led there division? Where was the child prodigy who wielded one of the most powerful zanpukto? Where was the captain who would risk life and limb to protect Hinamori, his childhood friend?
She saw none of him in his eyes anymore. All she saw was a child, dressed in a shinigami uniform, and unable to comprehend what had happened in that room.
In a blink of an eye, he slipped out of her grasp and hid his expression. He began to walk down the hallway. "Let's go, Matsumoto" he ordered. There was anger now. She could feel anger pulsating from him. It was thick in the air, and she felt his reaitsu rise just a tiny bit.
Was he angry that she had seen him in such a vulnerable state? No, it wasn't that. As she silently obeyed and follow him, she knew. There was anger only at himself.
He had lost his battle with the beast.
The beast that blocked Hinamori from returning.
So what do you think? Let me know in a comment or review, I always appreciate it :) So, as you can, see this story is not one of my usual ones; I hope you liked it, despite the gloominess/ angst, and EXTREME OOCness. Hopefully I can update sometime this week or next week .
Thanks for reading and keep writing!
-Warrayfinson.
