(A/N:I know I haven't put author's notes on much yet but I figure I should with this. At the bottom I'll put a translation of what Germany says in the end. I should have to warn, that even though I say Germanic, I really only meant Germany, Prussia, and Austria. Eventually though I may include Switzerland and Liechtenstein and the Nordics. Hell, even England and America(North half, not the South). Plz continue :D)
Sometimes, I lie in my bed and think to myself: I think the times with Italy are worse than my siblings. This faze lasts about five seconds before I realize that I don't live with Italy.
Also, I only spend about a maximum of six hours with Italy. And Italy may be annoyingly bright and happy all the time, also, he may have a dick brother, but I rarely see Romano. Finally, Italy may cry a lot, also, he tends to smell like garlic, and he doesn't listen to a word I say, but my siblings are still, by far, worse at the end of the day.
Sadly, I have to live with Prussia and Austria. That means, when I don't train Italy, I have to deal with an immature, supposedly older brother, and my uptight nagging cousin.
Let's begin with Prussia. He may be older, but he is far more immature and he's an ex-nation. He has a permanent residency in my house. There is nothing I can tell him to make him leave. Also, if I don't cater to his whims, he may turn into a whining Austria. I do not need a second one. Another thing about Prussia is that he always eats out of the fridge at nearly all hours of the day. What he tends to eat is all our wurst and cheeses. What he drinks is beer and when he runs out of either he makes me go pick it up. He also picked up a strange habit from America. If we run out of wurst and cheese he takes some cereal and pours beer over it. He dubbed it 'Beerios'. We tend to run out of cereal as well…
Next is my "dear" cousin Austria. He has his own house so I can't understand he resides in mine…I would love living with him…if he wasn't a nagging dick. He also can be very cold hearted; what he lacks is sympathy for me. When he is preparing a meal he will also demand me to go fetch ingredients but, unlike Prussia, he will send me back to the store if the ingredients are not up to his, very high, standards. It wouldn't matter what I was doing, whether it be playing fetch with my dogs, taking a bath, in the middle of my bath, or catering to Prussia.
Austria's music is beautiful and I can sit back and read in the same room as him but if I approach the piano and give it the slightest tap, even on accident, he will be enraged. When he isn't playing the piano, he will constantly yell at me for Prussia's behavior. Also, what I hate the most is when I walk up to my bedroom to sleep after a nice, long bath and hear one of two things: 'Germany, your bedroom is a mess, clean it.' Or: 'Germany, why do you insist on keeping your porn all over the place? I was just trying to clean and I stumbled upon this vulgar looking lady…'. Italy may have exposed me as a sadist and a fan of bondage to England, but at least he doesn't remind me of it everyday.
Another thing is, Italy doesn't fight with his brother. Romano tries to avoid Italy and I at all costs. Prussia deliberately looks to pick fights with Austria. Austria, gott sei dank, doesn't bother with him. Until Prussia tries to play his piano. Then all hell breaks loose and Austria is driven by the rage of a hundred mad pianists and attacks Prussia. The fist fights are very interesting to watch, but, after someone bleeds for over a minute, Austria complains to me. About either how he was hurt and I didn't jump in to help him; or about how Prussia's blood was going to be a real bitch to get out of the carpet.
All I can say of my siblings is: Verdammt, ich hasse sie so sehr.
(A regular morning in our house.) (Even though no day is 'ordinary' in our house.)
There was no meeting, and I made sure to have thirty-seven pieces of bratwurst organized in the fridge last night as well as a half wheel of cheese. There was no possible way Prussia could eat it all by the end of the day. I had also managed to make a complex schedule to avoid Prussia and Austria.
Prussia did basically the same thing everyday: Eat, annoy Austria (mostly for breakfast, which he doesn't eat until after noon), annoy me for a hug, snack, play with my dogs, shower, eat, annoy Austria again (for a fight or anything), eat, somehow find me no matter how hard I hide, shower, eat, and sleep.
Austria was more complex because you would never know what he was going to do at what time. He always does all of these things though…He makes breakfast, bathes, plays the piano, yells at Prussia, yells at me about Prussia, finally eats his own breakfast, grooms my dogs, hits Prussia for annoying him, goes mysteriously missing for about two hours of each day (and Prussia and I can never, ever find him), cleans my already immaculate room by exposing all my porn, bathes, has dinner, and goes to bed. He always skips lunch for some odd reason…
It was eleven in the morning in the morning so, before Prussia woke up, I went to go have some cereal, with milk. Except…they were both down there. Austria making tortes, Prussia eating what I presume to be all the cereal we had…I face palmed. Then I went to go play with my dogs. Those three were sleeping. I shrugged and, before he could ask, gave Prussia his daily hug. He beamed and smiled smugly at Austria.
"He totally likes me more." Prussia grinned, Austria may have twitched but I couldn't be sure. Something told me that the tensions between the two were already high today as Austria's cooking quickly sped up.
"You too." I grumbled in my morning voice and hugged Austria from behind.
"Thank you. I will call you from wherever you are when the tortes are done." Austria didn't even bother to look at me. He seemed very stiff today. I walked to go grab a book from the piano room…and there must have been a storm last night…because there was a giant branch sticking in through my house…and invading Austria's piano.
"Who the hell didn't call anyone to fix this!" I yelled to them.
"For wha-Oh shit!" Prussia laughed hysterically. Austria came by and gaped before angrily stalking away. I shook my head but before I could leave the room, Austria came back. With an axe…to rescue his beloved piano…
I have never seen Austria so angry. Not even at his demon douche of a cousin Prussia. He hacked away at the branch and once it came down he hurled it out of the hole it came from. He then vigorously inspected his piano.
"No! Fuck!" it's very rare to hear him curse as it's 'vulgar and tasteless language.' I walked over expecting the piano to be broken. There were a few scratches from the branch…"I'll need some black paint. Germany, loan me two thousand shillings."
"I'm not a walking bank…and I only carry deutschemarks…how much is that in deutschemarks anyway?" I asked and rolled my eyes. Austria was a walking calculator, Prussia was a walking fridge disposal, so of course I had to be the walking bank, right? Wrong.
"Two hundred and eight five marks would be good." Austria nonchalantly yawned. My eyes widened considerably. Why did he need so much money for a simple can of paint?
"Wow, everything's expensive about you. It makes me wonder what you masturbate with." Prussia snickered; Austria hit him a little too hard as Prussia made an unintelligible noise and fell on his face.
"With my hand? I don't waste time with vulgarities like that." Austria brushed off invisible dust on his arm and blushed a bit, "Anyway Germany, do you have that much?"
I tried to resist it but in the end I pulled out that much from my wallet and told him to pay me back soon. He took his car keys and left. Where he was going, I didn't know. Now I was stuck in the house with Prussia. Alone.
"Hey Germany, I really need to call someone for this, it's really chilly in here." Prussia sneezed. Then he paused. "Uh…did Austria just forget about his tortes? He must really love that piano…"
"…verdammt. Steals my money and makes me cook his food...That's all he spends money on..." I shook my head and went to go try and finish off what Austria had started while Prussia called a few different services. My cousin showed me how to make them. Once…In the end it looked right so I put them in the oven and set the timer for thirty minutes. "Okay, I have no idea where Austria went. I won't tell him but you can go play his piano. If you break it or get caught I will tell him you did it and I had no part in it."
"Roger, West!" he gave me a bright salute and after ten seconds of terrible banging I decided to go read somewhere I couldn't hear him…
I opened my bedroom and realized that Austria must have 'cleaned' before I woke up because there was a porn magazine on my nightstand. He must have not realized he had folded the page because he had folded it onto an awkward page. On one hand, he could have been looking at the girl on the left hand side, on the other hand, he could have been looking at the guy who looked scarily like Prussia…Err…Well…Yeesh. I unfolded the page and tucked it into the closet with the other issues of that magazine. One thing about living with your siblings is you begin to wonder about their sexualities. For some odd reason, I can't imagine Austria being straight…I can only imagine bi-sexual…scary…Well…he had Hungary…and then there was Spain…
"Hey I'm home-Prussia! Get the hell off my piano!" I heard Austria scream; the timer went off so I went to remove the tortes from the oven.
I ignored Prussia's choking noises and Austria's angry 'Stay the HELL off my piano!'. The tortes turned out pretty well. It wasn't to Austria's quality, but it was good nevertheless. There was a thud and I didn't even need to turn around to imagine what was happening. I took a torte and passively ate it while pretending to be somewhere else as the two battled it out. From the sound of it, Prussia won and Austria sulked up the stairs…Of course…Prussia completely ignored the tortes and went straight for the wurst.
"The tortes are good. You should take one." I nudged the fat one with my elbow. He grinned at me and continued to eat. I rolled my eyes at the blood coming from his nose. They could be such children.
I got Prussia a napkin as he was bleeding onto the table cloth and fed the dogs. They barked happily at me and I was forced to let all three of them walk with me. I was so tired and miffed with my siblings and the dogs were so happy that they dragged me on the walk. The walk lasted forever (three whole hours of jogging…). The dogs just didn't want to go back inside. They eventually ran inside for food and I saw Prussia sneaking them a teeny bit of wurst each. I then went to go see if Austria had curled up into a ball of despair from how the day went for him. He was nowhere…again.
Prussia said he never left the house so I checked all the closets. Nowhere. I searched under every couch and table I had. Every corner. Every nook and cranny. Gone. I gave a heaving sigh and went to use the bathroom…there he was…jerking…I blushed for two reasons. He didn't look at me until after he finished which was about ten seconds later, and two was that I was paralyzed with shock. That's where he was all this time? He was masturbating?
"G-Germany! Oh…you saw nothing!" he stuffed himself inside his pants. My eyes burned, I never thought there was porn that I would never want to see. That was it. "If you fucking tell Prussia, I will strangle you and bury you ten miles under the earth."
"Being embarrassed because the porn king was watching you jerk? That's terrible." Prussia snickered. Austria grew to a bright red, "I didn't see anything dumb ass. But what did you masturbate to anyway?"
"Prussia, if you don't leave now I swear I'll make sure you starve to death and endure a slow, painful torture that involves all of your 'male parts', a pair of rusty kitchen shears, and a sand paper dildo." Austria turned an even further red, this time he was angry. Austria's threats always confused me, it sounded like he was going to get some kind of pleasure out of watching Prussia scream in pain. Sadism must be a Germanic trait.
"Whoa, keep your fancy dildo away from me. Unless YOU want-" I pushed Prussia out of the bathroom and closed the door. "He totally wants to take bottoms-"
"At this point, I don't even care anymore. If you're starting to have a cousin complex I don't want to know. Also, if Austria has one, I don't want to know either. If you two end up together I don't want to know. What I do want to know is this: Are you absolutely sure you're straight?" I asked him. He grinned sheepishly at me; I became immensely worried about his response.
"Yeah! Well…I haven't really thought about it." Prussia shrugged. My eyes wouldn't blink, "I've been quite content alone y'know. Okay, now you're creeping me out. Blink West."
"My eyes still burn." I coercively blinked once. Prussia sighed and led me to my room and tucked me in. I don't know at what point in time I fell asleep though it might have been the afternoon…
(Five minutes off of midnight)
I groaned and opened my eyes to pitch darkness. I honestly don't know what I was doing that I slept for so long. I blame the dogs. I love them but, when they want to run, they will not stop running. I also blame Prussia and Austria. They tire me out as well.
I then noticed a chill in the house. The hole needed to get fixed…My face was cold but my sides weren't cold but why on earth…-?
"Prussia, Austria why are you in my bed?" I leapt out of my bed. It was a king but I slept alone. Maybe I wasn't as alone as I thought…
"Did ya miss me, West? I missed you, well, at least you give off a lot of heat." Prussia grinned; Austria responded at the same time, "Well did you expect me to be shivering? I came with Prussia to get warm. Honestly, Germany, I am much too delicate to be too cold."
I groaned and whenever I tried to say anything, my mind went blank. Prussia then started to look a bit worried after I sighed for the fourth time.
"West, you should get back in bed. Our tiny, delicate flower named Austria is shivering." Prussia teased his cousin who was actually shivering.
"I'm not that small. I just happened to be five centimeters shorter than you, so you can shut up." Austria elbowed Prussia then went back to shivering. "Plus, were both shorter than Germany so it doesn't even matter whose taller."
"Lies." Prussia rolled over to lightly jab Austria's forehead. Before Austria could respond, I wedged myself between the two.
"I can't help it that you're both short. So very un-Germanic of you two." I snickered. Prussia jabbed my side, and Austria jabbed my kidney but then we all laughed a little. About a minute of silence passed between us before Prussia yelled:
"Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag, West!"
"Was? Prussia, I don't know when I was born." I snorted.
"Nein, don't you remember? We all agreed that German Unity Day would be your new birthday." Austria reminded me.
"Also, I highly doubt I was born at exactly midnight." I snorted. Austria rolled his eyes while Prussia fished over the edge of the bed.
"Here's your present, open it, now." Prussia thrust a box into my hands. I turned on the lamp before slowly tearing the wrapping paper off. It was…a box with a bunch of porn magazines inside…I read the card that was stuffed inside by undoubtedly Prussia.
'Hey West! It's me, the awesome Prussia!' then the handwriting changed to cursive, 'And me, your cousin Austria. To avoid Prussia random handwriting I'll be writing. Okay, your birthday is tomorrow, yes? So, Prussia and I took the liberty of embarrassing ourselves and buying ten porn magazines and if you look under the magazines, a pair of hand cuffs, and some rope, and a whip. Prussia said you were a bit of a sadist-' The pen darted to one side and Prussia must have taken over, 'Hey, did you miss the awesome me? It was only embarrassing to him because he wants to take bottoms-' again Austria took over, 'Anyway, we hope you enjoy the present. Love Austria and that demon douche-, and Prussia (THE AWESOME)- Horrid.'
"…You guys are insane, but thank you." I shook my head but pulled them into a half hug.
"We love you too little brother." Prussia burst into hysterics as I pulled out the whip that they were talking about.
"So you two walked into a porn shop and bought all this stuff?" I pulled out the handcuffs and the rope. Then I paused because there was an extra item. Austria must have gotten me some chocolate. "Oh, thanks Austria. A normal present."
"Ja. Well, everyone needs one." Austria smiled a bit.
"Y'know, I don't think I hate you guys anymore." I yawned, they followed en suite.
"Das ist gut. Now I'm tired. Nacht, West." Prussia turned out the light and both of them fell asleep…
"Gute nacht." I closed my eyes feeling like my siblings weren't so bad after all.
I gave way to sleep and it was a relatively peaceful night. Austria didn't sleep talk and Prussia didn't flail around like always. It was also very, very quiet outside which made me do something I hadn't done around them for awhile. I actually smiled. Not to a dream, just because they were both calm and not being unbearable douches.
"Ich liebe dich auch zwei." I mumbled when I woke up at about four in the morning. They were still fast asleep and looked quiet adorable when calm. "Weil ihr beide seid meine Familie am Ende des Tages…Vergiss nie, dass du Arschlöcher…meine Freunde…"
Zzz…
(A/N: Heehee, I hoped you enjoyed. This is what he said just above: I love you both too. Because you guys are my family at the end of the day...Never forget that you assholes...my friends...)
