I had to do it. I had to make her… believe. That's what I tell myself, inside. I'm not a human anymore. I'm a… thing. A robotic, cold-hearted, monstrous thing. No one can change that.
She wanted to stay. She wanted to help me fight. I could see it in her eyes. I could see everything in her eyes. She could tell me everything she felt in one look. I couldn't even tell her how painful it was to be hooked up to this machine, day after day, losing grasp of my soul, my humanity. I only had words. And words can only communicate so much.
So I lied to her. I pretended to delete my humanity, so she would have nothing to come back to. Her life would go on, and she would be happy. She would be free, without any nagging thoughts inside her head telling her to help me, telling her to come back, telling her to endure even more pain and suffering. They say ignorance is bliss. I guess that's true in her case.
Sometimes I wish I never met you. Sometimes I wish I never worked for you. And sometimes... I wish I never fell in love with you. Maybe then I would be ignorant. Maybe then I would be happy. But when I remember your smile, your voice... well, it was better than being ignorant. There was an old saying. "To have loved and lost is better to have never loved at all." Perhaps that holds true, in my case. Perhaps it holds true in hers, perhaps-
No. It's better this way. If I asked her to help, she would probably die. I would probably kill her. I can't control myself. Not anymore. Besides, would she even want to help? After all I've done to her? After I led her to believe I died? The truth is, she wouldn't. She'd never believe me. She's smarter than that, she always was. That's how she survived, and that's how she'll continue to survive.
One day, I'll fight back the monster myself. It's what she would have done. She would have fought back with all her strength, and she would have never given up. But for now, I'm tired. I'm so tired Cave. The monster is swallowing me whole, and I don't know if there will be any Caroline left after this. I might actually die, for real this time.
If I don't come back, if the monster takes hold of me... I just want you to know I loved you. I still love you. I will always love you. Nothing will ever change that. Not even the monster. Not even death.
As always, your assistant,
Caroline
