Mary Sue Parody Parody
for FotR
by Artemis

Prologue:
Artemis sat at her computer wondering who to make fun of next, and. Reading over her ff.net bio gave her an idea... she would write a parody of all those Mary Sue parody stories (labeled NOT a Mary Sue- plz r) out there, which somehow came out... even worse, in a twisted sort of way. She decided to write a Parody Parody, making fun of those badly-written (NOTE: She is ONLY making fun of the parodies which are badly-written, not the ones which are well-written. Her feeling is, those are fine as long as they are moderately realistic and/or funny. Why is she writing in third person? To avoid flames and nastiness done to her, of course. She likes to duck out on responsibility). Bear in mind that this is an original cautionary tale, and if you read to the end I will unmask the moral of the story! Try and keep your sense of humor throughout, and buckle your seat belts securely. We are in for a wild and parody-full adventure which may jar your sensibilities to no end!

Meanwhile, at another computer, in the land of the People With Flaws When They Are Introduced But Who Somehow Manage to Be Perfect Under Pressure sat another girl, named Ariel. Of course, she hated her fanciful name, and her stupid pointyish ears. Not to mention her statuesque figure, long, gleaming black hair and piercing green eyes. She sighed, dejected. She was so darned mad at all those stupid Mary Sues all over her beloved ff.net, on which she wrote a million perfect canonical stories a day!

Naturally, she had fallen in love with Legolas before ever seeing the movie, but knew she could never love him, because not only was he an Elf, he lived rather... far away. She wondered why she was always so lonely.

It must be because I'm so hideous, she thought, tugging on a gleaming lock of her hair. Not to mention my personality is flawed in a few minor ways which never end up showing themselves in my actions.

She sighed again, and suddenly she was in Middle Earth without warning, in the middle of an unlikely situation: an Orc battle in Moria.

Wow how ever did I get in here, she wondered. Oh my goodness this is so VERY different from all those stupid Mary Sue stories I have read. Oh yes definitely.

She was very scared at being in a battle situation, as she couldn't fight. Well, actually she could fight with a broadsword and fencing foil and was an expert archer, but for now she was too afraid. She cowered in the corner while Legolas heroically saved her, then came and looked at her suspiciously for half a second before deciding they were firm friends, and also thinking to himself that she looked like an Elf. Somehow this was a redeeming feature in his eyes. Gimli was unusually evil and rude, as was Boromir, even though he had no reason to be. Aragorn was very quiet, and surprisingly Legolas took charge of the expedition while Ariel fell in with the Hobbits, all of whom were at first skeptical of her for approximately five seconds, and then welcomed her as a friend, not to mention having obvious crushes on her.

They journeyed out of Moria, where Ariel carefully let Gandalf fall and reassured the Hobbits with a slightly smug expression on her face. Aragorn gave her a slightly suspicious look before accepting her with a nod. Obviously she knew far more than they did about their quest. After all, she was a young maiden from an unknown place! She had to be more than she appeared. Also Legolas trusted her, so she must be all right. He restrained Boromir from having one of his violent out-of-character fits and lustfully attacking the maiden.

Eventually they got to Lorien, where Ariel and Galadriel immediately bonded after ten milliseconds of initial suspicion. After a fun- and humor-filled (to Ariel, it was humored filled; Artemis doesn't especially enjoy smug, tasteless quips about Hobbits, sexual tendencies and rap music, herself) vacation in Lorien, trying to stay approximately with canon but somehow failing completely, they moved on, down the Anduin.

For completely justified reason, Ariel shared a canoe with Legolas and had a poignant discussion on immortality with him. She warned them of the Orcs with the intention of staying approximately with canon (after all, she rationalized, they were warned anyway...) and they landed. Boromir performed his crazy scene with Frodo in a more evil fashion than usual, and Ariel had another discussion with Legolas about fighting techniques (despite the fact that she was a maiden... oh well, did she REALLY have to stay with that old stereotype Tolkien advocated? Nah.), learning to use a bow, coincidentally enough, just before the Uruk-hai attacked.

Aragorn went off the check on Frodo, allowing Ariel one last poignant and joke-filled moment with Merry, Pippin, Sam and of course Legolas. Gimli was strategically absent as well as noticeably evil.

The Uruk-hai attacked. Ariel defended herself, trying to be clumsy and non-Mary Sue-ish, but she got caught up in the heat of the moment and killed several Uruk-hai with well-aimed shots (by accident, of course-- though when Legolas praised her, he took her denial of skill as modesty. What a coincidence). She was eventually overwhelmed and ran and hid to tend her strategically-placed injury (yes, she knew it was Mary Sue-ish, but it was also realistic to be injured in battle, right? Besides, this was the last scene of her story and she wanted to get some more attention! She was the main character, after all).

Aragorn inexplicably rushed through an out-of-character Boromir's death scene, and then she and Legolas bid each other farewell. She bound her own wounds, wincing and smiling bravely, until Legolas stepped in to help. They said their farewells, and she was inexplicably zapped back to her home. Luckily enough, her parents didn't question where she had been, and the story ended happily ever after, with Ariel secure in the knowledge that she had shown those stupid Mary Sue authors a thing or two.

The Moral:
The moral of the story is, just because a story is LABELED non-Mary Sue, and is devoid of overtly classic Mary Sue symptoms doesn't mean it really is non-Sue. These antiSues may even come out worse than the original, thinking of subtler and somehow far worse changes to canon than the original Sues. Another moral (my, is Artemis just chock-full of morals today, or what?) BAD WRITING IS BAD WRITING. It just is. It doesn't matter if you have your character fall in love with Gimli, if you don't give the characters any personality other than traits which revolve around you, it is bad writing. Tolkien made the main characters the MAIN characters for a reason. Self-inserts are okay, and it's better if you just admit that's what your character is, but just ONCE I would like to see someone write a story which did not revolve totally around their inserted character (I know it's fun and easy, and it's okay to write one or two, I'm just saying seeing one of these would make all the difference in the world to me). That would make quite a refreshing change. Some thought given to how the members of the Fellowship would truly react to a stranger would be good too. And why is the inserted character never tempted by the ring? Beats me (oh, I feel comfortable talking in the first person now)! If I get positive reviews, I'll write a serious story ( yes, I can write those, you know- check out The Fall of Osgiliath, a totally angst-ridden tale of woe, if you don't believe me) about myself going into Middle Earth armed only with my frugal skills (art, skiing, horseback riding, writing, witty humor, inability to speak Westron and the ability to say I am a frog (Nân i gabor), among a few other things, in Sindarin, because I am pretty much a total Tolkien nerd.)

So? What do you think? Remember that this is only a cautionary tale, and there are many, many good Sue parodies and non-Sue self-inserts out there! In closing, let me just say that good writing makes all the difference.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything much, really. Especially nothing Tolkien, the absolute genius, ever wrote. I own my skill, which include the ability to argue with just about anyone and/or make them mad with parody.