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Summary: A homecoming on the opposite end of the spectrum for Paris.
*
We could not foresee what we might meet upon our road. Torment in the dark was the danger that I feared, and it did not hold me back. But I would not have come, had I known the danger of light and joy. (Tolkien)
*
There are some things a man was never intended to witness and retain his sanity. Some quirks of the universe are just too cruel for proper words; too messed up to entertain until they come to pass.
She was so small and frightened, lying there on that biobed, gripping my hands. I can still recall the weakness of her grip, the rhythmic stroking. She clung to pattern, hoping for ballast in an ocean of confusion. The final stages of Ocampan life are the cruelest of any race I've seen…everything goes. Memory, health, sanity. They already have too short a time to even begin living fully, and then…the last weeks there's nothing but hell.
She knew what would happen. Maybe she even thought she was prepared. I don't know. All I do know is that her eyes…they pleaded with me to help, even if she had no idea who I was. I'd seen that look a thousand times over brief years. I had always helped her. I'd sworn to never disappoint her, my butterfly.
On her deathbed, those eyes accused me.
All she ever really wanted was to see Earth…had spoken so often of it. Looking back, the reality couldn't have begun to have lived up to the legend everyone spun…and I think she knew it wouldn't. But she and Naomi Wildman and the other Delta Quadrant natives still needed to see it for themselves, everyone knew that.
Chakotay used the com to order me up to the bridge, order me to pilot Voyager home. Maybe it was his small gesture of respect. I didn't care for it…didn't care to release her hand, even to the rest of the family.
"I won't leave her." I think my voice broke, I know my heart did.
Harry touched my shoulder, and his gaze seemed ancient when I finally chanced to look up. "Tom, she's already leaving you. Go. We might reach Earth before…"
When I still sat, stupefied, he grabbed me and pulled me up bodily, shoving me towards the door. "You don't have a monopoly on need, Paris. Get us the hell home!"
She met my eyes then, briefly, and dreamily, but I think I saw clarity too. I think she nodded her agreement.
I ran. Voyager warped through the corridor, no fancy moves, no grace. The applause was deafening. I heard little of it. Chakotay reached me first, as I stood to stumble back towards the lift, and I think he wanted to reprimand me for abandoning my post. He didn't, stopped short, drew back, and only nodded, turning back to his own hollow celebrations. I tried to run, but my knees buckled. Somehow, it came to me that I was sobbing.
In the end, it was Tuvok who reached the console when the channel trilled, Tuvok who opened it.
She cooed, as an infant would have, and then there was a sort of gurgling cry. I swear I heard "Daddy!"
Linnis never saw Earth.
It'll never be home again.
FIN
Summary: A homecoming on the opposite end of the spectrum for Paris.
*
We could not foresee what we might meet upon our road. Torment in the dark was the danger that I feared, and it did not hold me back. But I would not have come, had I known the danger of light and joy. (Tolkien)
*
There are some things a man was never intended to witness and retain his sanity. Some quirks of the universe are just too cruel for proper words; too messed up to entertain until they come to pass.
She was so small and frightened, lying there on that biobed, gripping my hands. I can still recall the weakness of her grip, the rhythmic stroking. She clung to pattern, hoping for ballast in an ocean of confusion. The final stages of Ocampan life are the cruelest of any race I've seen…everything goes. Memory, health, sanity. They already have too short a time to even begin living fully, and then…the last weeks there's nothing but hell.
She knew what would happen. Maybe she even thought she was prepared. I don't know. All I do know is that her eyes…they pleaded with me to help, even if she had no idea who I was. I'd seen that look a thousand times over brief years. I had always helped her. I'd sworn to never disappoint her, my butterfly.
On her deathbed, those eyes accused me.
All she ever really wanted was to see Earth…had spoken so often of it. Looking back, the reality couldn't have begun to have lived up to the legend everyone spun…and I think she knew it wouldn't. But she and Naomi Wildman and the other Delta Quadrant natives still needed to see it for themselves, everyone knew that.
Chakotay used the com to order me up to the bridge, order me to pilot Voyager home. Maybe it was his small gesture of respect. I didn't care for it…didn't care to release her hand, even to the rest of the family.
"I won't leave her." I think my voice broke, I know my heart did.
Harry touched my shoulder, and his gaze seemed ancient when I finally chanced to look up. "Tom, she's already leaving you. Go. We might reach Earth before…"
When I still sat, stupefied, he grabbed me and pulled me up bodily, shoving me towards the door. "You don't have a monopoly on need, Paris. Get us the hell home!"
She met my eyes then, briefly, and dreamily, but I think I saw clarity too. I think she nodded her agreement.
I ran. Voyager warped through the corridor, no fancy moves, no grace. The applause was deafening. I heard little of it. Chakotay reached me first, as I stood to stumble back towards the lift, and I think he wanted to reprimand me for abandoning my post. He didn't, stopped short, drew back, and only nodded, turning back to his own hollow celebrations. I tried to run, but my knees buckled. Somehow, it came to me that I was sobbing.
In the end, it was Tuvok who reached the console when the channel trilled, Tuvok who opened it.
She cooed, as an infant would have, and then there was a sort of gurgling cry. I swear I heard "Daddy!"
Linnis never saw Earth.
It'll never be home again.
FIN
