Harry Potter and the Environmentalists

Harry potter felt bad, he was stuck at home, well it wasn't so much a home as a mansion. See Harry had much money from selling his books that he decided to buy a mansion in the middle of London, but it wasn't the Mansion that was bothering him. It was the fact that there was a crowd of delinquents or in other terms Environmentalists out side his mansion having a large protest.

"What the HELL are they complaining about?!" Harry shouted to his house elf.

"Aye capt'n they is seeking revenge." his elf whom was dressed in a pirate uniform replied.

"For what exactly?" Harry decided to inquire.

"They tis seeking you to discontinue your book series capt'n, they say its contributing to global warming and the paper used is cutting down valuable trees."

"Global warming...what the?!?" Harry decided at that moment that he was go and see what this crowd was on about, he decided to go outside partly because he believed that his half pirate elf had found the cellar key again and partly because he had a shocking headache and he just wanted to disperse the them. Either way this was the decision that made harry learn 2 very valuable lessons, firstly; don't go near Environmentalists and secondly don't open your door when there is an angry mob outside.

Once outside it was explained very clearly to him by a very old looking man whom seemed to have the amount of wrinkles you'd normally expect a shirt to have after a week on the floor. "See the trouble is young harry" the man started "Your books are very popular right now. Which means that a lot of them are being printed"

"Darn right, and thats how its going to stay as long as I'm around" Harry quickly retorted.

"Well then that leaves us no option but to make sure your not around then" said a lady with clothes that wouldn't look out of place at a clown convention.

"See the trouble is laddie, your books are popular NOW, but see later on when they aren't popular anymore they'll be burnt which will add to Global warming!!!!!" the old man said in a tone that sounded suspiciously like the one someone would use went talking to an idiot.

So after Harry had realized that these people where clearly insane, or at least mentally challenged he began to formulate a plan. Yet unfortunately for Harry his headache was preventing him from coming up with anything particularly spectacular. In fact the best he came up with was a loud "GO AWAY" but it seemed that only annoyed the crowd further.

Not seeing the end to this siege anytime soon Harry decided to leave his mansion and travel to his friend Ron's house.

When Harry first arrived at his best friends house he was surprised to see how well...crap it looked.

"Ron, why does your house look like a...well...a reconstruction of an early 1800's lower class hovel with matching dirt carpets?"

"Well I had that money that you gave me from the books and everything, and well it all got taken."

"Taken?!?! who took it!?"

"Well the banks environmental protection dept. did"

"What did you do? I mean why did they take all your money, don't you have to donate it or something?"

"Well actually they just hit me with about 1000 mini charges, like environmental paper, organic storage you know the usual stuff."

By this time Harry's headache had significantly lessened and he started seeing just how deep these environmentalists pockets where. It was also about this time that Harry realized that if he was to overcome this type of opposition he would need some darn good allies.

Telling Ron that he would get back his gold Harry decided he would go to one of the few organizations he knew the environmentalists wouldn't have

convinced to join them, the Oil companies.

Harry realized only now that the saying your enemies enemy is your ally was actually true. When he arrived at the Oil headquarters which was located somewhere in North Korea he was greeted by a man of a small stature who asked for Harry's name and business.

"Harry, and I am here about an environmentalist problem."

"Oh my come this way, we haven't been expecting you, but you can sit in on a meeting that is about to start on that very same problem."

Harry was then led through what could only be described as a nuclear bunker to a large cement room with a large round table. At each seat of the table there was an important looking man, and Harry was shown a seat next to a nice looking German businessmen whom Harry could of sworn was the typical bad guy in most business movies.

"We shall let this meeting commence, which by the end I hope that we have a solution to the environmentalist problem."

"How about we buy the environmentalists off?" a man who looked like he had just rolled off a machine that made your entire outfit completely clean.

"Stupid American, how vill ve know who is an enviro freak? Anyone with half a brain vould try to collect money off us." said a typical Russian mafia member.

Harry realized that this man was speaking the truth, Harry himself wouldn't mind pretending to care about the little critters for a while for a little extra cash.

"How about we lure all the environmentalists into one spot and then have a terrible accident?" shouted a man from across the table.

"We tried that before with the mosquitoes and the rumor that there was a HUGE swamp in Africa so they would all go there so we could get rid of them. It didn't work at all, either the Mosquitoes weren't listening or they didn't fall for it." the American replied calmly.

"Yeah, thats true and we don't have time to waste on plans that might not fully work." replied the man across the table again.

Suddenly it hit Harry, the solution to his problem, and hopefully the problem that these men also faced.

"I have an idea" Harry said forcefully.

Harry then went on to explain that he was the main character in a series of popular books and that he could in fact write a book that was so packed FULL of geological goodness that the Environmentalists wouldn't be able to put the book down. He then went on to expand his idea by saying he could paint the oil business as a friend to the environment. This would mean that the young environmentalists would grow up with the idea that Oil companies where actually good for the environment.

"Sounds like a good plan, only what happens if it doesn't work?"

"Well hopefully the environmentalists

wont be able to put the book down. Which means they will at least be distracted for a while, and if that doesn't work then we'll meet back here in a 2 weeks."

Harry was feeling slightly happier when he left the underground bunker.

He was feeling better for two reasons, firstly his headache was gone and secondly he had a plan.

After leaving North Korea (odd place for the oil companies headquarters) Harry got to work on his latest novel.

Strangely enough it was actually quite EASY to write about the oil companies being good. In reality the Oil companies are the ones that are financing the studies into the effects of there products and the restoration and attempting balance of the environment to its natural state. It seemed at the environmentalists where merely preaching the word and keeping all the money they had gained in funds which subsidized silly irrelevant things like organic farming and renewable energy.

In fact for Harry this was one of the easiest books he had ever written, because as any public school pupil knows, in any environmental topic all you REALLY have to do is throw around a few big words and people will generally agree with your environmentally friendly argument. After only 2 days Harry had the entire book fully written out, he was quite pleased actually, it was Chock-full-o-environmental goodness.

Then as Harry sat down to watch some TV after his writing session, the news every book writer hates to hear was blared over the news.

"All paper manufacturing has been shut down after a large rally outside of all the major plants in the world. It was a coordinated effort by the Environmentalists action union..." said the newsreader who seemed to look like he had come out of a plastic wrapping.

Harry could feel the anger boil up inside him, his plan had failed and it looked like he would again need to return to the North Korean bunker for a new plan.