I don't own the TMNT
Been writing a storm lately. Good therapy. Normally I don't do comedy, I'm more of a horror type writer. But BubblyShell22 kinda encouraged me to give it a shot so here it goes, my first miltichapter comedy. So if you like it, thank her! :) I'm afraid that, in order to fit the ideas I have in my head I might've stretched the characters a wee bit. Hope I don't go too OOC, I know I'm really going to be pushing it with the supporting Canon characters. Also, normally I'm a first person writer, but because no one particular character is centered, I chose third person. Makes writing a bit harder, but with luck it comes out decent.
To me, there's a fine line between comedy and stupid, and I really hope I don't cross it too much. Let me know how I did, constructive criticism only, please, no flames. No one likes those!
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Mikey proudly set down the cake and smiled broadly at everyone. "Happy Mutation Day everyone!"
Raph leaned over the cake and gave it a sniff. "Is this…real cake? Like, really real?
His brother preened. "Yup! Chocolate cake with vanilla frosting! And sprinkles!"
Everyone's smiles broadened as the cake was cut and divided. Even as everyone tore into the cake, the conversation began.
"It's weird." Raph mumbled through a mouthful of cake. "A whole year is gone and our party is almost exactly like it was last year. You'd think that, considering all we've done that it would feel…different."
The others nodded thoughtfully. Don sighed. "I thought that at least April would be here." He fiddled idly with his cake, obviously not clearly in the mood to celebrate.
Geesh, he was doing that again. Raph snorted. "Gah, drop it already, Donnie! She'll get over it when she gets over it! It's not like you had a chance with her anyway!"
It was too much, Don thought. His brothers would never understand. Suddenly he wasn't in the mood to talk. All they would do would be tease him and deny the possibility anyway. He stood up suddenly, knocking the chair over and, snatching his cake, marched over to the couch and ate there alone sullenly. Leo looked at Raph. "Was that really necessary? We're supposed to be celebrating here!"
His red-banded brother pounded his fist on the table. "Well, someone has to tell him!"
"We have told him, Raph! He won't listen, you know that. So what's the point in pushing the issue? He'll figure it out on his own eventually."
"What, so I have to sit here listening to him whining the whole time?"
Abruptly Mikey stood up clutching his head. "You're tearing me apaaaaart!"
Everyone stood staring at him for a moment. Mikey stood up and giggled. Raph rolled his eyes. "We never should've let you watch that movie." Leo sighed.
Mike looked astonished. "What, and miss out on all those awesome quotes? I didn't know that old movies could be so awesome!" He sat back down and leaned back, tapping his chin with his finger with a playfully thoughtful expression on his face. "Wonder what's on Turner Classic Movies tonight?"
Raph shook his fork threateningly at him, making tiny bits of cake fly across the table. "I swear, Mikey, we're watching something modern today. I'll kick your shell if we don't!"
Leo snickered. "You know he's only pushing the classic movie thing to tick you off, Raph."
Leaning forward with a grin Mike looked at his brothers. "There's an awesome anime movie on tonight on Cartoon Network." He sidled his eyes to his blue banded brother. "You should love it, Leo. Ninjas from rival clans fall in love. The chick wears too much eye makeup. Sound familiar?"
His face turned red. He and Splinter still hadn't told any of the others about Karai's true heritage. "Damnit Mikey! I thought we've been over this! You don't know the whole truth about her!"
Splinter rapped his staff on the floor. "Silent!"
All turtles, including Don, approached the table and stood, looking chagrined. Splinter glared at each of them. "This is nonsense. Many things are not as we expect them to be, but we are together. We are still a solid family unit. We love each other. I want apologies."
Mikey grinned. "Love means never having to say you're sorry!"
"Damnit Mikey!" He lunched for his brother. With a delighted squeal, Mike sprinted across the Lair with his hot headed brother at his heels. Splinter smiled and shook his head with a chuckle. It was amazing how much his younger son could alleviate the tension. He slowly went to the kitchen to get a fresh cup of tea.
Don looked at his brother. "What were you talking about, the truth about Karai?"
Leo smiled. "You can't handle the truth!"
He rolled his eyes. "Really, Leo. You too?"
He laughed and went over to start a movie. Immediately Raph was beside him, with another piece of cake. "Modern, Leo. We're watching something modern!"
Don sat down. "What about The Terminator?"
"What?" Raph growled. "That's not modern! Even worse, it's full of quotes! Mikey won't shut up for a minute!" They all laughed and started ribbing him, suggesting ever worsening movie choices until he just glared at them and stabbed his fork into his cake. He frowned when he met resistance, and upon yanking the utensil out of the breading, saw a fat, brown roach with spindly legs skewered on the prongs. "AAAAAAAAH!" He flung the entire plate of cake across the room, scrambling backwards with a franticness born of fear even as his brothers erupted into laughter.
Mikey clutched his sides. "It's rubber, bro, relax! I got ya, didn't I?"
He never saw the kick coming.
"ACK!" Mike cried as he flew behind the couch, fanny in the air.
But his brothers still laughed, ribbing the hothead mercilessly until finally he went up to his room to check on Spike, grumbling all the while. Or at least that was the excuse. Really, he just wanted to get away from the cackling lunatics for a while.
Leo licked his lips. "Do we have anything to drink?
"No worries, guys! I made punch!" Mike hopped into view, sloshing a gigantic bowl of bright red punch.
"We weren't worried, why would we be?" Don looked up at him. "Where's the ladel?"
He looked down at it with a perplexed look on his face. "Uuuuh…" Scrunching his face, he looked into space as he set it back down on the kitchen counter. "I think it's in my room…"
"Why is it in your room?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "I can get it!" He chirped and made a motion to put the punch bowl on his head.
Leo held up a hand. "No! Ah, I mean, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea. Uh," he leaned back. "Raph, you're by Mikey's room, he said the ladel is in there. Could you get it on your way down?"
Raph growled but complied without replying. He had already given Spike some lettuce, but the tiny turtle seemed more interested in sleeping at the moment. He considered telling his brothers where to stuff it, but, really, why the hell not just get the stupid thing? Trudging over to his brother's room, he shoved the door open, wrinkling his nose at the mess. Luckily he spied the ladel, sitting on the head of one of his action figures. As he reached for it, though, he spied a dark glass bottle halfway under the bed. Picking it up, he turned it over in his head. It was amaretto. A type of liquor, he knew. Opening the cap he gave it a sniff and curled his lip. Very sweet liquor, at that.
Just then a devilish idea came to his mind. His brothers just got through harassing him, he knew a way to mellow them out. Smiling to himself he snatched the ladel and the bottle and hopped over to the kitchen. "I'll wash it out, just sit down and I'll bring out the bowl." He called out.
Unscrewing the bottle, he dumped the entire contents into the bowl. It was sweet enough that it should be masked by the sweetness of the punch itself. Quickly washing the ladel he brought the bowl out and sat on the couch, eager to see the results.
He's had amaretto before, and, fairly sure he could handle it better than his brothers, poured himself a cup.
They started to watch the movie. Sure enough, it was The Terminator. Raph grumbled to himself, feeling at least somewhat vindicated for the punch. So, they ate popcorn, drank punch, and watched the movie. Mike hopped up and down at each action scene, already repeating the quotable moments. The others laughed and enjoyed themselves.
The movie was only partway over, not even halfway, when things started to get hazy. They were hardly aware when Splinter joined them, taking a cup of punch himself. For a brief moment, Raph wondered about the wisdom of the spiked punch, but then again…what's the worst that could happen?
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The Lair was deathly silent as sunset slowly approached. Nothing but the steady drip and the strong, steady snoring of several passed out teenage mutants.
Raph was the first to wake up. Groggily he opened his eyes. The first thing he was aware of was the intense pounding in his head. Groaning he clutched his head with both hands, fingertips massaging his scalp delicately. Slowly he got up to one elbow, groaning as he shifted his knee so that it was under him. Sitting up, he swayed as his head spun madly. "Aaaaaah." He moaned, putting a hand on the floor for extra stability. Blinking hard, he looked around the room. Everything was fuzzy. Blinking again, very purposely, it started to clear.
The place was a holy mess.
Streamers stuck to the walls. Globs of food were everywhere. Half the couch cushions were ripped to shreds. All sorts of trash littered the floor. Squinting he slowly swiveled his head. There, by the couch, he spied Leo. He was sprawled on the couch, face down, passed out cold. His arms were hooked over the upper cushions, the rest of his body was lying limply on the floor.
But something was off about him.
In his intense hangover, Raph couldn't quite put a finger on it. So, slowly, unsteadily, he stood up with the full intention of going over to investigate.
"Why the hell do I feel like this?" He mumbled to himself. "It was only some damn Amaretto."
It was then that he noticed that his right arm was slightly sore and tight. With half lidded eyes, he turned to look at his arm…
And saw a dozen roaches crawling up his arm.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" He screamed and jumped up, waving his arms to get them off. His unsteadiness, coupled with the debris mad tripping inevitable. He stumbled on a can, crashed face first into the table, thereby flipping the remainder of the cake that was still on the other end high into the air. It crashed, cake side first, right onto his head.
Leaping to his feet, sputtering as cake lodged in every crevice of his face and frosting got in his eyes, he looked down on himself and saw the roaches still there. "Heeeelp! Get them off me, get them off me!"
Leo woke up with such a start that he flipped himself off the couch and flat on his shell on the floor, smacking the back of his head. Bright stars danced in his vision amidst the intense, dizzying headache. Ignoring the overwhelming urge to vomit, Leo scrambled to his feet, staggering, he managed to reach his brother. "Raph? What's wrong?"
"THE ROACHES! THEY WON'T GET OFF ME!"
Leo grabbed Raph's arm, yanking it straight and slapped at the insects on his skin…only they didn't move. Squinting through his own hazy hangover, he peered at them closer, swaying slightly. "Raph…they're not roaches…"
He shot his head over to him with wide eyes, tiny bits of cake still falling from his head. "What? They're not?" Blinking he dared to look down. "What are they?"
Disbelief etching his features, Leo looked at him. "I think it's a tattoo. A full sleeve of roaches."
Raph's jaw dropped open in pure disbelief. Yanking Leo's hand away, he stared hard at his arm, rubbing the skin with his free arm. Sure enough, they were tattoos. And not the rub on kind. The skin surrounding the images was slightly red, all the area was a little raw and puffy. Definetly real tattoos. Both brothers stared at his arm silently for a moment before Raph exploded. "What the fuck is this doing on my arm! I hate roaches!" He stared hard at his brother. "What happened last night?"
It was then that both turtles realized that, when they tried to recall the events of the previous night, nothing whatsoever came to mind. They just couldn't remember.
"Oh shit…" Leo mumbled, rubbing his head with his hand. He turned his back on his brother as he paced slightly, struggling to remember what he couldn't. "Why can't I remember?"
It was then that Raph saw what was so 'wrong' about Leo earlier. "Bro, you're swords…"
Leo swiveled on his brother. "What?"
Trying to hide the smile slowly spreading on his face, Raph pointed at the back of Leo's shell. Perplexed, Leo reached behind him and grasped them.
Immediately he knew something was wrong.
"No, no, no, no…" Yanking out his weapons, he saw, in his hands, where there should have been swords, was two light sabers. They were the high quality type stuff, the kind that looked just like it did in the movie. Leo stared at them in open mouthed shock for a long moment, almost as if he could imagine it away. Then he shook both, hard. "Nooooooooooooooooooo!" He swung to Raph. "Where are my katanas? My blades? This can't be happening! WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!"
"I DON'T KNOW!" Raph yelled back. "Don't you think I want to know too? At least you can get new swords, what am I going to do? Get new skin? I have FUCKING ROACHES on my arm! ARGH!" He turned and threw his hands in the air, rubbing his arm hard, almost as if he could rub off the images injected into his skin. Then he stopped and turned to Leo. "Where are Mikey and Don?"
Immediately both darted in different directions.
Raph sprinted to Mikey's room. Before he reached the door, however, he heard a high pitched squeal from within. Fearing the worst, Raph yanked the door open, sai drawn, ready to defend his brother.
On the floor was Mikey, with a litter of six kittens squirming all around him, mewling, purring and licking him with tiny raspy tongues. He squealed again with a high pitched giggle. Grinning from ear to ear, he looked at his brother. "I'm a mommy!"
Staring at him with his mouth gaping open as Mikey hugged the tiny furry bodies, he just turned around and left the room. "I get a fuckin' disgustin' tattoo and he gets kittens! There is no damn justice!"
Meanwhile Leo looked in Don's room, but his brainy brother wasn't there. The next place he looked was the lab. As soon as he swung the door open, he saw his brother sprawled, face down, spread eagled on the floor, snoring heavily. "Don! Wake up!" Leo called out, flipping the light on. "Something happened last night…"
Don squirmed as soon as the light hit his lidded eyes, turning his face towards the floor reflexively. "Nooo," he moaned, "Just a little longer."
Looking at the light sabers he held in his hand, Leo's fist tightened. "No, we don't have time. Don, do you remember what happened last night? Why can't we remember?"
"Hm?" He slowly got up on his hands and knees. "Last night?" Pivoting slowly on his hand, he turned to face his brother, sitting down.
As soon as he saw him from the front, Leo's jaw dropped. Initially unable to speak, he instead pointed his finger to Don's chest. "You-you-you-oh, wow…"
"What?" Donatello said, scrunching his face in confusion. He looked down and gasped as he saw a white lacey bra on his chest, the loops around his arms securing the empty cups to his plastron. "Eeek!" Moving frantically, momentarily getting tangled in the straps, he snatched it off just as Raph came in and started laughing.
He snorted laughter. "Oh, wow, Donnie! Did you get laid last night?"
"What? I, uh, I, well, you see, it's just that, uh, oh, golly…" By now his hands were trembling slightly as he looked at the bra. His face turned a deep crimson. What did he do last night? But, just like Leo said, the entire night was a blank.
"Who's is it?" Raph asked, striding over to it. Reaching out he snatched it up.
"Hey!" Don protested.
Raph brought it up to face level, smiling. "Not bad size. Good catch, Don, I- " he froze as a familiar scent wafted to his nostrils. His jaw opened in shock as he stared at his brother. "It's April's."
"WHAT!" Don snatched it back and buried his own beak into the cup, deeply inhaling. His pupils constricted as the scent hit home. "Oh, man…" he squeaked. Suddenly his loins grew hot. Did he do something with her?
"Did you sleep with her?"
Rounding on Leo, pupils constricted into dots, he gestured helplessly with open, trembling hands. "I-I don't know…I don't remember!"
Raph cackled laughter. "So you might've been with the girl of your dreams, that you've been hopelessly pursuing, and you can't even remember it?"
Disbelieving despair washed over Don's expression and he buried his face in his hands with a low moan. "No no no no no no no no no nooooooooooo!
Mikey appeared at the door to the lab with a pouch stuffed with kittens. He was hugging them to his chest as they wriggled and mewed, purring like a half dozen tiny motorboats. "Dude! What happened last night? I don't remember a thing!"
Now that they were all together, and everyone shared the same memory loss, Raph looked at his feet, the sudden answer slowly dawning on him. "Ah, I think it's my fault." All heads swiveled in his direction. The tension got so suddenly, unbearably thick that it was palpable. He winced. Better just to say it. "I, uh, spiked the punch."
"YOU WHAT!"
He held his hands up in a defensive posture, the guilt warring with his anger at the situation. "You guys were being such hard-asses, and idiots…I thought it would help brighten us up a bit, or loosen up, whichever, you know?"
"No, Raph, we don't know!" Leo scolded. He shook his light saber at him. "Does this look loosened up to you! How stupid is that! Where did you get the alcohol?"
Eager to get the attention away from himself, he immediately jabbed a finger at his orange banded brother. "Mikey had it! I found it in his room!"
Sure enough all heads now turned to the youngest. He stared back at his brothers somewhat blankly and shrugged his shoulders. "The homeless guy that ate the squirrels dropped it. I just picked it up and forgot about it!"
Don's brain was working furiously, anything to keep from thinking about what might've happened last night. Oh, golly, he hoped so bad that it was a good thing. "But," He wondered, aloud, even as he held April's bra in trembling hands, "That doesn't explain our blackouts. For that to happen, it had to be an enormous amount, one bottle of anything wouldn't have done this."
Now it was Mikey's turn to look sheepish. "It might've had some mutagen in it…"
"WHAT!"
He reeled back in his own defensive posture. "I was sniffin' it, when I put some mutagen on me before I got shellacne, and some fell in. I never drank any! And I don't know that RAPH was going to pour it out!"
"You should've thrown it out!" Leo cried out, exasperated. He turned to Donnie. "Are we going to…change?"
Don still stared at the bra, now slowly feeling the fabric between his fingers.
Leo grimaced. "Don! Attention!"
He started. "Oh, uh, no. I wouldn't say we would. It's been long enough that if something would have happened it would've happened already." Suddenly he looked up, expression thoughtful. "It is possible, that considering how long the mutagen was in the liquor, that it changed the composition of it. That would explain the extreme reaction and the blackouts…"
"Mikey you're such an idiot!"
He cringed. "I know! I'm sorry guys! But hey, at least nothing bad happened, right?"
Immediately everyone exploded on him. Leo shook his light sabers at him. Raph showed his arm covered in roach tattoos. Don wailed at possibly ruining any future with April. They all argued loudly as they went out of the lab. It was then when the turtles looked in the direction of Splinter's room. The door was left open, which Splinter never did. Silence came over them as they hurried over to them, all wondering the same thing, if all this happened to them, what happened to Splinter?
Crowding through the door, they piled into the room. There, in the middle of the room, was a pile of fur. Rat fur. Splinter's fur. But no Splinter.
Mikey gaped at the pile. "So Splinter's out there, somewhere…and he's naked!"
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The quotes Mikey used:
"You're tearing me apart!" Rebel Without a Cause 1955
"Love means never having to say you're sorry." Love Story 1970
"You can't handle the truth!" A Few Good Men 1992
A/N: I have no idea what made me do movie quotes, but I'm considering continuing with it. Let me know what you think on that part.
To be honest, when I started writing this I seriously considered just making it a oneshot but it turned out a little better than I thought. Please let me know what you guys think, like I said before I'm not the most confident with comedy so I want to know when I hit and when I miss. Really looking forward to your reviews!
