FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM THIS IS THE DIARY OF DANNY JONES

MONDAY ENTRY 1

Just to get this thought out here in the open before I forget, Harry Judd is the reason that the word asshole was invented. Why you may ask? Well, I would be more than happy to say. I have a little evidence to support my claim.

Today when we were bored, Harry and Dougie asked me if I wanted to get my balls waxed. I agreed and told them that they could do it. Dougie heated the wax in the kitchen and came into the living room with it. "It won't hurt at all. I do it all the time!" Yeah? He needs to. It looks like he is trying to smuggle a rose bush down there. I lay back on the sofa, with my crotch in the wind. Dougie layers the wax on good and thick. I'm ready for this. Harry places the strip over the wax and pulls. JESUS HOLY SHIT CHRIST! It feels as if my left nut has been ripped off; I have to look down and check. If they do this again, I am going to need a prosthetic nut. Harry goes for another strip. "No! Please not again!" I plead with him He considers it. "Okay. We'll wax your asshole now." What? Is that even possible? Harry flips me over and layers the wax on my ass. Then he sits on my back so I can't get away. "Fuck this. I'm gonna be sick." Dougie takes a step back. "I'm leaving." Harry looks at him. "If you leave now then you won't be able to see the final result. I am going to try and give him the Tara Reid look." "Never mind I'm staying!" Dougie puts on a CD and turns the volume up so the neighbors won't hear me screaming.

Harry puts the strip on. "Harry no! I'll let you date my cousin. The red headed one that you have your eye on!" Dougie buts in. "Harry you like a fire crotch? You could get crabs!" The door opens and it's Tom. "Crabs? Great I'm fuckin' starving!" Harry rolls his eyes. "Not those kind of crabs. Never mind." Tom catches me on the sofa. "Danny getting waxed?! What did I miss?" "Nothing. Harry was just about to pull." Harry nods. "His anal region will look like Tara Reid's when I'm finished." Tom's face lights up and I cringe. I don't want him to corn hole me.

Tom disappears for a moment and returns with popcorn. I shoot him a nasty look. "Guys he's giving me that look again." Dougie looks confused. "You mean his constipated owl look?" Tom nods and Harry laughs. I do not look like a constipated owl! I look like a- BLOW JOB! Harry pulled the stip. "Is my asshole still there?" I ask. Dougie looks. "Yeah. It's really red. It look like Bono came over for a visit." Bono? That granola fuck from that band U2? Before I can say anything else, Harry pulls the next stip. I dig my nails into the sofa. "Relax Danny. We are almost done. You'll look like Tara in no time." Harry tries to console me. "You know that the difference is between those two?" Tom asks. "What?" "He has less pussy miles then her!" "Tom, I don't have a vagina!" He thinks that comment over. "Well, not yet you don't." I manage to break free. "I don't want a pussy!" I shouldn't have said that. "You don't want any pussy?" Goddamn it. Why do they always have to twist my words around?

I manage to escape with my right nut intact. The doorbell rand and I was able to get away. How can they say that I don't like pussy? It's my favorite food. I like to put it between two slices of Wonder bread with lettuce. Sometimes I like it with hash browns, it really just depends on my mood.

"Hey honkey!" I hear Dougie call up the stairs to me. Who the fuck is he calling honkey? He is as white as my cum. "We need to start practicing our Christmas skit now." Oh, yeah. I almost forgot about that. Tom and his fat ass will be playing Santa. Dougie will be an elf and Harry will be Rudolph. "Hey , who am I going to play?" Tom looks up from his clipboard. "You? You're playing Mrs. Claus." Mrs. Claus?! "Why can't Dougie be Mrs. Claus?" Dougie hears this. "Because I don't have a pussy." My face drops. "Will you give that a rest already?" Dougie agrees. "Tom could be Mrs. Claus because he's got really big tits. Damn, then we would have to get a new Santa." Tom cuts in. "I'm Santa because I like it when my balls jingle." I've heard enough of this. My mind is even more of a sewer. I need an enema for my head.

I'm sitting in my room minding my own business when Tom bursts into my room and pulls his pants down. Goddamn it's like the Harvest moon! Ya know, if we painted his ass orange, we could use it as The Great Pumpkin. Snacks for thought- just a little something for me to take with me. "You like?" Tom asks me. "No." "Are you threatened by it?" What a stupid asshole. "Why would I be threatened by your rhino ass?" He pulls his pants up and snorts. "You just wish that you had an ass this gorgeous." Tom then proceeded to tell me just how gorgeous his ass was. He gave me a fuckin' earful.

I have a moments peace before I hear an explosion down the hall. I race into the room to find Dougie on the floor exhaling smoke rings. "What the fuck did you do?!" He doesn't say anything to me for a moment. "I was hanging Christmas lights; one of the bulbs exploded." Harry looks at him. "There is something different about you." "He's got no eyebrows, Harry." Tom says. He doesn't ? I take a closer look to see that his eyebrows, were in fact gone. "Harry I think that we are going to use those stick on lights this year."

Stick on light? Maybe I can stick one on each of my ass cheeks and then go jogging late at night. Maybe I could get those mini ones to stick on my nuts- Great for Christmas blowjobs!

Those goddamn charity assholes. They asked me for a donation and I gave them 50 pounds. They muttered something about me being un-charitable. What the fuck? I'm so charitable, I shit donations! Those little assholes. I'm gonna go pray that they all end up in the hospital.

Hmm. I was praying and then I realized that I was just talking to myself. I should start a fortune telling booth. A nice way to make a little extra Christmas cash. Before I that, I think that I am gonna roll me a Christmas blunt. I crawl up onto the roof and light up. I forgot that I was on the roof and took a step. I fell off the hose. "Count Coca Fang was on the roof with me." I say as Dougie runs over to me. He looks totally confused. He pulls me up and starts to walk off. "Hey you wanna stick around for some cookies and punch? My treat." "I'm not in the mood for cookies now. How about tonight, Danny?" Fuck him He don't want any cookies? "You know what I'm hungry for?" I ask. "Punch and cookies? He suggests. "I'm hungry for some action!"

I run off leaving Dougie standing in the snow looking as clueless as ever. I'm glad I'm the badger; they never suspect the badger.

COUNT COCA FANG: AKA DANNY JONES