TITLE: The Truth Behind Buffy: the Vampire Slayer
AUTHOR: Coyolxauhqui
DISCLAIMER: Joss? Oh, *that* Joss. He owns the characters, yeah (but not the "reality" characters... really... they're sort of mine...)
RATING: how about a nice safe PG-13? There's some slash amongst the Real People but no sex is described. Some is, however, implied (oh, you thought it was really DIY?).
SUMMARY: Buffy has been offered money for the recording of some years of her fascinating life by a documentary crew. This is then changed as the producers wish, dramatised and put on air as a fictional series (ie. The BtVS that we watch). This is one night in which they watch the second episode of series 6, called Afterlife.
SPOILERS: Afterlife, and hinting at a later theme, but not giving things away.
FEEDBACK: Or I'll send Mr the Bloody round to punish you! (no, wait, that's hardly a bad thing...) I mean, or I WONT send him round!

The Truth Behind "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer"

"God, you get so used to these little magic tinkerbell lights, you sometimes completely forget they're there." The young woman mused. She had long, natural ash blonde hair, scruffy jeans that really looked like they'd seen better days and a faded t-shirt with a few dark stains that *refused* to wash out. "Watching our every move..."

"'Fraid that's the way of if, Buff," said Xander, a fairly tall young man with dark hair and brown eyes. He was wearing black combat trousers and a white t-shirt. He sat down in the sofa in his apartment. "Look at it this way though, when they're done, we'll get pretty damn well set for life with the money from the documentary folks. I mean, you already got that advance to fix up the house. I'd call it unfair, but then you went through a lot..."

The door opened, and a just-middle-aged man, recently turned 40, walked in. He was dressed in blue jeans and a smart cotton navy shirt.

"Hey Giles." Buffy greeted her watcher.

"Evening, Buffy, Xander." He said. "Thinking of going on patrol later?"

"Yeah, later." Buffy said. They all looked around slightly uncomfortably. Of course, the actual business of patrolling wouldn't start until at least 9pm tonight.

"Hi!" called a young black woman, Willow, who walked in the door with blond youth called Tom and a chipped vampire named Spike, with bleached spiky hair.

"Oh, hey..." Xander said, "I was meaning to ask one of you guys, can someone give me a hand to fix up the shelves in my bedroom?"

"Uh... I have to get these stakes all sharpened, then after... it... I'm patrolling. But, maybe tomorrow?" Buffy suggested.

"I'll help." offered Spike. Xander nodded, and the two of them walked off together quickly.

"I guess that sorts that out... remarkably painlessly." Giles commented.

"Spike helping voluntarily? There's a first." Buffy agreed.

"I dunno," said Tom, "but at least they don't seem to hate each other so much these days."

"Yeah," Willow said, "and I didn't know Xander had DIY trouble..." a loud crashing was heard from the other room. The scoobies exchanged amused looks.

"I expect they do now." Giles said. "I'll go make the tea." He walked into the kitchen.

"So, what's everyone doing tonight?" Willow asked. She received pointed looks from the others. "Oh! Sorry, I forgot. We're all watching it then?"

"Yeah." Buffy said.

"How long until it's on?" asked Tom.

"11 minutes." Buffy said. "Almost exactly. I know I shouldn't be so nervous, but...they always show me... wrongly. Like, they'll take things they record me saying with the tinkerbell and then say the same thing, but in a different way. It's irritating and confusing."

"Well, I have to say, I think the man who plays me is a ridiculous stereotype of British people." Giles complained. "And he's older than me."

"I got put in as a white girl." Willow pointed out. "Since when was that fair? I thought I should be represented by *some* minority actress, at least. I can't believe people are still so racist. And Tom's a girl!"

"I think they wanted a bigger male influx of viewers." Tom suggested. "What with the lesbianism and that. I don't personally mind it, its entertaining to watch. Ow! But wrong, definitely wrong, darling." Willow smiled at the boyfriend she kept well in line.

"Okay, so who wants tea, who wants coffee?" asked Giles. "Biscuits, too? I see some here, we could probably do with comfort food to ease the anger."

"Oh, you mean the anger with ourselves for agreeing to this whole twisted deal in the first place? For letting our lives be recorded, altered and shown as fictional entertainment? For selling ourselves?" Buffy asked sarcastically.

"That'd be it." Willow smiled. "But remember, $2.5 million each? Not to be sniffed at."

"Yes, well, let's *try* not to smash up yet another TV." Giles suggested from the kitchen. He walked back through, and Buffy checked her watch, and then took the tray from him, and set it down on the table. She, Tom and Willow all sat down.

"Can you go and get the guys?" Buffy asked Giles. "This is going to be starting soon."

"Of course." Giles said, and walked through the corridor to Xander's room.

After a minute, Spike, Xander and Giles returned. The watcher looked pale, somewhat disturbed and had a distant look in his eyes as they sat down on cushions by the couch to watch the TV. The adverts before the show were coming to an end.

"I think I liked the old hair better." Spike commented, looking at the slightly more curly style the actor playing him had. "I mean, they got it right in that one where I'm a punk, all spiked nicely. My nickname ain't "Curl" or "Flat", y'know."

Xander gave Spike a sympathetic half-smile, which was answered by a flick to Xander's ear and a tiny wince of pain. The chip he had in reality was sensitive to how much pain was inflicted and how much violence was intended, unlike the chip the actor had in the programme. Giles shook his head and glared at them. Spike raised an eyebrow, and the watcher looked away, back to the screen.

"Yeah. Well look at constant-glamour Buffy. Since when did I have a new outfit every few hours? And since when did they always stay so constantly clean and in good condition? I'm a Slayer, not a receptionist." Buffy said.

"Hmm, well at least you're not the `badly-dressed' one. I've worn a Hawaiian shirt *once* in my life." Xander said. "Oh, and there's my non existing girlfriend." He pointed to Anya. "I never did figure how she got put in as a long term girlfriend, as I recall sleeping with her one time and then she "got over" me."

"Funny that." Spike said. "Maybe they took pity on you, thought you could do with getting laid once in a while?"

"Could be." Xander smiled. "Guess that's just how they want to show things. At least I'm not with Harmony. Or in love with the Buffster."

"Both of those ideas are farfetched and unrealistic." declared Spike. "I don't go for blondes."

"Please, be quiet." Giles muttered. "We're trying to watch what sort of mess they've made of our lives this time."

"This all happened like a six months ago, right?" Willow asked.

"Five." Giles said sharply, and said no more. They sat and watched.

The episode - one from the new series - finished, and all were left breathing their respective sighs of relief and disappointment.

"I personally think they over estimate raising the dead." Willow said. "I mean, there was no snake, and the skin crawling thing I mentioned? Not literally! I just got that weird feeling."

"I did not *ever* go that weird when you brought me back." Buffy said adamantly. "Stupid creative license."

"Yeah, people raise the dead all the time, and the consequences usually aren't as drastic as I told Xander there." Spike looked at Xander slyly. "As I held him helpless and trembling against the tree." Xander grinned at the vampire. Giles rolled his eyes.

"Before you walked away, leaving me with the lovely Anya." Xander added.

"Winner of the William the Bloody "Least Favourite Character" Award." Spike told him, looking directly into his eyes. Giles cleared his throat, and they looked away from each other, nervously.

"I think you two should probably come clean." Giles told Xander. Xander blinked innocently, looking away from Spike.

"About what?" he asked, folding his arms. Spike kept a straight face and looked at the watcher enquiringly.

"Either one of you tells them, or I do." Giles told them sternly. "I'm not keeping your secrets. I have been there myself, some years back, and believe me - it's better to tell them this way than to wait until it comes up on some bloody TV screen..." Spike whispered the single word `Rayne' into Xander's ear. Xander snickered.

"Do you want me to...?" Spike asked Xander, looking towards their small audience.

"It's ok." Xander said. "Uh...guys? I have something I should tell you."

"Ok." Willow looked over at him, from her place in Tom's arms. "Go ahead?"

"Me and Spike," he said, "kinda have been... or, we sort of *are* seeing each other." For a split second the room was engulfed in stunned silence. Which was broken by Buffy sighing.

"Oh, thank *god*!" she exclaimed. "Now I don't have to keep looking over my shoulder to see if Spike's started his crush on me yet! This is great, great, *great* news. I'm very happy for you."

"Hey." Spike said, with a pout. "I'm slightly offended, I think."

"You guys are all ok with this?" Xander asked, looking around, hoping his friends would understand.

"Oh, yes." Tom said. "After all, it makes me sleep a little easier knowing that...thing with you and Willow will never be repeated."

"I swear, that was no more than they showed it as!" Willow told him. Xander nodded a hurried agreement. "A kiss. One kiss."

"Ok, ok." Tom held up his hands. "I promise I'll stop mentioning it. Forever."

"And I don't have a problem so long as I don't have to *witness* you again." Giles told them sternly.

"Who are you kidding? You know you loved it." Spike replied with smirk. "Well, that's good news then, pet." he said to Xander, and shifted just a little closer to him. "I suggest we celebrate?"

"Hold on just a second." Buffy interrupted. "This is pretty major news, really. I mean... TV surprise moment worthy, definitely. It's the most unusual relationship in our whole group so far. And they're just going to cut it out? Not gain the ratings it would bring? They can hardly leave it in as it is, what with Xander getting married to Anya and all."

"Good point." Xander said. "I don't think they'd cut it out, to be honest, they pretty much go for any money they can get. They're... going to have to make one of us have a secret thing with Spike. Someone that isn't me."

"If it's the Finn boy, someone will *die*." Spike told them moodily. "The only person more ugly than him is the guy that plays him."

"No, he left. Remember?" Xander said. "There has to be someone. Someone single, around the right age, and at least as well known to the series as me to preserve the shock value."

"Hmm." Spike frowned. "Oh no. I can see where you're leading, and I don't like it..."

"He has had that crush for quite some time..." Giles aired another damning fact.

"You can't mean..." Buffy trailed off. Recognition dawned on her face. Spike shook his head slowly.

"Oh god no." he said, looking paler than Dracula ever had. "Please... no." Xander said nothing, but squeezed his hand firmly. This would be a tough time for them all.