In My Arms
A/N: I don't own anything. FYI. You probably know that. This and other stories can be found on under the name Fearlessness. In case you get bored.
In my
arms
Wish I could hold you forever
In my arms
I will give
you shelter
Still I know I can't always be there
To protect you
from this great big old world
But I swear this much is
true
There'll always be a place for you...in my arms
"I'm home, babe!" Elliot kicked the door shut with his foot and set his keys on the table by the door. He walked into the kitchen and freed his arms of the two bags he had been lugging around what seemed to be all of New York. He was startled when he felt her arms lace around his midsection.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. How was your day?" She unhooked her clasped hands and stepped back.
"Way to scare an old man. The house was so quiet; I thought maybe you'd stepped out. Didn't expect such a welcoming." He grinned, flashing her one of his famous Stabler grins. "And my day was fine. Let's talk about you, though. Or should I say you two". He lifted her shirt slightly and kissed her stomach over what he thought was the baby growing inside. It was roughly the size of a can of pop, he'd been told.
"Old man my abutt." She chuckled at her near slip of the tongue. Ever since they'd found out, they made a vow not to curse in front of the baby. So far, so good. They were both surprised it had lasted, though. "Oh, we're doing just fine. A little lonely today, daddy. We went to the corner market and got some grapefruit. That's about it. I tidied up a little." She pulled her shirt down and rummaged through the bags on the counter, looking for what she'd called and asked him to pick up. Her cravings were becoming more and more unusual as the weeks progressed. This week is was pickles and peanut butter. Who knows what next week would be? She couldn't believe eating such weird food combinations didn't make her even more sick than she already was. She was becoming concerned. She wanted a healthy baby and she wasn't helping things. If anything, she was inhibiting the baby's growth.
"Well, we'll just have to fix that." He pulled her into a hug. "No trips to the bathroom?" He eyed her, trying to gauge whether she would fib to him or not. He swatted her hand away from the second bag and reached into the bottom to pull out the jar for her.
"Nope. Well, maybe one….or four. Oh, and a couple this afternoon." She chewed on her lower lip and looked down at the floor. She knew she had nothing to be embarrassed about. She just hated that look in his eye. The one he gave her every time he asked that question and got the same response. She couldn't help that her morning sickness had become her 'all day, everyday' sickness.
"Nothing to be ashamed of, babe." He sighed. "I was hoping you'd get some relief. Maybe tomorrow, huh?" He kissed the top of her head and handed her the jar of peanut butter, which she readily took.
"I know. I just feel like such a wimp. I hate not being able to work. I can't go around the city with a barf bag. I'm going stir crazy here. I've already cleaned this place ten times and it's only Tuesday. I just want to be normal." She sighed heavily and set the jar back on the counter.
"I know you hate it. I hate seeing you like that. I know it's a part of being pregnant and I'm a selfish basmeanie for wanting you alongside me in the field but I do. I want you safe more than that, though. If it means you're here resting and being nourished and staying healthy then that's fine by me." He glanced over her but he couldn't tell whether she was still gaining weight or not. She had yet to grow into her new maternity shirts.
"Honey, saying the word bastard is not going to hurt our child. But, I think it's great you're still looking out for what you say with little, soon-to-be ears in the room." She'd been reading her books and she knew that the baby didn't have any real features yet but she still hated to expose it to anything. Gosh only knows what it would see when it came into the world. She knew they couldn't protect it forever but they sure could try. "I think that's what bothers me the most. I know it's silly but I feel so useless. I'm not even six months into my pregnancy and I'm on desk duty. Correction, I'm on house duty. I can't even lift a pen without getting nauseous." She saw Elliot raise his eyebrows when she started to unscrew the cap on the peanut butter.
"Nauseous, huh? Looks like you're feeling fine to me." He laughed and began putting away the rest of the groceries.
"Oh, hush. It's not so bad right now. It's like it comes out of nowhere, though. One moment I'll be enjoying a nice sandwich and the next I'll be praying to the porcelain god. I wish it would just go away." She sat on the bar stool and put the cap and jar down on the island.
"Hey, what's with the look?" He stared at her around the cabinet door before giving up the groceries for the time being. After seeing the look on her face, he thought they could wait. He leaned down and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. He wished he could make her feel better. He was growing concerned. Not just for her but for the baby as well. If she didn't start gaining weight and stop getting sick, certain measures would have to be taken. He didn't like the sound of that and had read up on it following the regularly scheduled doctor's visit.
"Just thinking. See what happens when I'm left to myself? I always did have an over-active imagination. What if it doesn't go away? I don't like needles." She glanced down at her arm and cringed. It already hurt and it hadn't even gotten to that point.
"You hate needles? You seem to do alright with me around. I know, it's my boyish charm, right?" He kissed the top of her head and gave her a gentle squeeze.
"Yeah, that must be it. Your boyish charm. I know it sounds weird but that doesn't bother me. It's the idea of having it in all the time. It just seems…permanent. It just seems like something's wrong. What if something is wrong and it's all my fault? Here I am complaining about not feeling well and our baby is growing inside of me. What if it's paying for my being sick and not taking care of myself? If something happens, it'll be all my fault. There was this one book that said…what book was it?" Her voice broke and so did her resolve. She no longer felt the confident parent she did in the beginning.
"Hey, that's enough of that. First of all, if you can't remember which book you read it in, that means you have too many books. Just do it the natural way. You don't need books, Liv. You just need this." He tapped his finger over her heart. "Liv, you're a great mother already. You eat regularly, you take your vitamins. You don't do anything to compromise your safety or the baby's. I know you and I know if it was in your power or control that you wouldn't be that sick. You heard the doctor. Some people just get more sick than others and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it. I know it sucks and it doesn't make you a bad person to say that. It just means you're even more tired, cranky, and emotional, and at the end of the day you want someone to talk to. I can be that person. I'm a good listener. I have daughters, remember?" He gently massaged her shoulders, hoping to relieve some of her tension.
"I know you have daughters, El. How can I forget when they've been calling me every other day asking who can hold the baby first? And I know I shouldn't read the books but I'm scared. I've never had a baby. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's normal and what's not at this stage; or any stage for that matter. I love talking to you and you're right. I do need to vent. I know I get hormonal and sensitive and I bite your head off but I still love you. You know that, right?" She was still anxious he'd wake up one day and have a reason to leave her. She hated to admit it but she lived her days in constant fear that she was one blowup away from being alone. She felt like a horrible wife but she couldn't help it. She didn't have the greatest of childhoods and she had nothing to model her relationship after.
"I seem to remember you saying that at the altar. It's called 'til death do us part, Liv. I feel the same way. We've both been burned but at the end of the day, there's nowhere else I'd rather be with than you. I know you feel the same. You've put up with me for this long. Why not the long haul?" He laughed and felt her shoulders shake under his fingers. He peered around and saw that she was silently laughing.
"Thank you. I needed that." She took several deep breaths and shook her head. He always had been good at making her laugh through the tears.
"You don't have to thank me, honey. It's a part of being married to my lovely wife. Now, let's get you and the baby some food. You going to actually eat that or just stare at it?" He pointed to the jar that remained on the counter with the lid off.
"Oh, yeah. I can get it, though. You've had a long day." She started to get up before he pushed down gently on her shoulders, keeping her in place.
"Nope. I got this. You sit and think up some names. We can't keep calling our little one 'baby' or 'it'. I know it's a while away but I want to call our child something." He stepped around her and grabbed the bread. He couldn't see how she could stand to eat something so disgusting. Whatever his two favorite people wanted, they got. He loved his other kids but he was close to them in a different way. They'd always had each other and Kathy had moved on. Olivia had no one.
He always got teary-eyed when he thought of her life before their marriage. She'd missed out on so many firsts. When they started dating, he promised to take her wherever she wanted to go. Simple things like carousel rides and walks in the park were new to her. He had taken for granted that she did the things that couples normally did when going on dates. She never had a real dating experience and his heart went out to her. Now that they were expecting, he wanted her to be pampered. He'd make her twenty sandwiches a day if it meant she was happy. As he spread the peanut butter on one slice of bread, he glanced over at her and noticed she'd been starting at him. She looked so happy and his heart skipped a beat to know he'd caused that look. He felt so lucky to be able to share the rest of his life with this woman and the child growing inside of her.
