DISCLAIMER:
So I don't get the pants sued off me and wind up eating three healthy meals of bacteria a day and selling my body to the night and all that, I would like to say, as all fanfiction authors are apparently required to do, that I have no ownership, affiliation, market shares, or even knowledge of Square Enix (seriously, Kingdom Hearts? Never heard of it). In fact, I don't own anything, except your mom, oh snap, what now, etc.
Also, a warning: if you are offended by the occasional racial stereotype (which, trust me, is meant entirely in jest), extreme misogyny (which, trust me, is completely serious in nature), or the occasional blatant homosexuality (which, trust me, you can find plenty of by searching "Axel Roxas" on deviantArt), I suggest you turn back now and return to playing pinochle and shuffleboard with all your other badass friends. No skin off my nose.
ALSO: For those of you who would accuse me of being unoriginal with the title, I only ask that you look back at the entries titled "Kingdom Farts" on this site, as you will find that, yes, I submitted the very first "Kingdom Farts"-titled work on . You're welcome to read it, too, I suppose, although looking back on it I find the humor overly juvenile at times and some of the jokes confusing. I was but a wee one when I wrote it, see.
Finally, understand this: This parody is full of humor of the most uncouth, lowbrow type; it is poorly written, incredibly crass, and full of jokes that most people will find pretty tasteless. I have cut corners wherever possible. I have listened to pirated music while working on it. I have discussed the critical plot elements with your mom in bed last night (heyo). This parody exists, in other words only for cheap laughs.
Having said that, let's get some critical acclaim here, shall we?
Rave Reviews for Kingdom Farts II
"A sure blockbuster. Nothing short of incredible…forget any other books you've ever read, Kingdom Farts II completely stomps on them. Like, seriously. Other books had better run."
-Scott Lysander
"Seriously, if you're reading anything else, just stop. It's not going to be anywhere near as good as this. I don't think you understand what we're dealing with here."
-Scott Lysander
"Let's just say if this book were a gay interracial atheist pot-smoking couple, they could both get elected as presidential candidates for the Republican Party. Both of them. At the same time."
-Scott Lysander
"Wow. Just wow…I've never read anything so amazing, and I can barely read. I want to have sex with the author, right now."
-Hayden Panettiere
"Holy shit!"
-Mickey Mouse
"After this book, nobody will ever even try to write anything, because they know it won't be nearly as good. And if they try, they'll just get laughed at. You hear me? Laughed at."
-Scott Lysander
"Sly Boogy, that's my name, and I came to run the game, your mom's so cool, the West Coast ain't the same."
-Sly Boogy
PROLOGUE: ARGUMENT
This is the second part in a two-part parody of the acclaimed Square Enix JRPG videogame series Kingdom Hearts. For those of you foolish enough to have not read the first parody and basked in my literary genius (or played the first game, in which case it wouldn't make any sense for you to read this or play the second game first, unless you're some kind of twat who's only playing the game because of DISNEY CHARACTERS WOW), this is, simply put, designed to fill you in.
The first Kingdom Farts details the adventures of Sore, a relatively normal 14-year-old who is content to spend his days frolicking around his favorite island, playing with his friends, and eating Beggin' Strips 3 meals a day. Things are looking as dull as they can be when one day Sore is mysteriously transported in a dream to a realm of darkness in which he gains great power and fights off the forces of evil and blah blah blah.
I'm not getting paid for this, so I'm just cutting to the chase here.
Sore ultimately finds himself on a quest to find his two friends, Diku and Kylie. Diku is something of an older brother figure to Sore, a friend/rival who will lend Sore money one moment and then beat seven shades of shit out of him the next simply because Sore hasn't complimented him on his new penny loafers or something. Kylie is the romantic interest, though she shows about as much interest in Sore as the Amish do in a tesla coil. Regardless, the seeds of love that may or may not have been blooming are utterly annihilated when Kylie gets transported through a wormhole to God knows where.
Oh, there's also a dildo.
"What's that?" you say. "A dildo?"
"Yes," I respond, smirking smugly as I step out of my Lamborghini and pull off my shades, "A dildo." Sore is magically granted with the power of a giant, sword-length, steel artificial penis to ward off Fartless foes. And Fartless foes run aplenty, for no sooner does Sore find himself in the world of Trap-Hers Town than swarms of Fartless began to accost him and claw at him and ask him for sexual favors. Fortunately, he is saved by Final Fantasy characters.
After finding out some stuff about he's been chosen by the powers that be to wield the dildo and plug up the anuses (ani?) of the world and such, Sore sets out, accompanied by Ronald Buck, a short-tempered magician under the employ of the mysterious King Mackey, and Goofy, a.k.a. the original numba one stunna and captain of the King's Royal Guard (and I'm referring to the office, not the Devil May Cry 3 combat style, though seeing Goofbag do flips and dodges off the wall would admittedly be pretty sweet). Together, the three set out for other worlds to find their friends and vanquish evil.
But it turns out vanquishing evil is not their strong suit. The details of the visits Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag pay to the Disney-themed worlds are rather inconsequential here, but suffice it to say that, for the most part, they leave the worlds in much worse condition than they found them. Fortunately, they appear to be the only ones who know anything of outer space travel, so this has no repercussions whatsoever. Also, nobody wonders why Ronald is able to talk. Nobody.
After many twists and turns in the road, they finally come upon Sore's friends at Empty Stronghold, a cold, menacing place in which Sore finds Diku completely twisted by the forces of evil (i.e. voting Republican) and Kylie in a comatose state (i.e. trying not to scratch her nose when the camera pans over her body). Through some very scholarly research consisting of lots of shouting, Sore discovers Diku has been possessed by Billy Zane, also known as Pantsem, a mysterious seeker of darkness who wants to flush the entire universe down the toilet of misguidance, through the drain of fear and the pipes of anger and hatred to end up in the septic tank of supreme darkness. This, of course, is not gonna fly with Sore and crew, so they rescue Kylie, deport her off to a safehouse in Africa, and return to Final Boss World to finish off Diku/Pantsem once and for all. A rather boorish battle follows in which Pantsem rants for hours on the nature of darkness and Sore takes a few swipes at him between smoke breaks. Finally, though, the enemy is vanquished and forced to file for bankruptcy, and Diku is released from his mental prison.
Unfortunately, he winds up in some sort of alternate dimension with Mackey in which darkness is the soup du jour and spending extended amounts of time there leads to much anguish, fear, and congestive heart failure. The parody ends with Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag charging off to the middle of nowhere in search of Diku and King Mackey and the final area of the game serving as the setting for a very nonsensical battle between a bunch of random videogame characters, including Volt Krueger. (That's how all books should end, really.)
You may think, dear reader, that this leads to our starting point, but you are wrong, you weak-minded fool. For there is a long sequence of events between the end of the first storyline and the start of the upcoming one, captured in some game for Nintendo DS that I won't ever play because I refuse to own a DS. PlayStation high 'til I die and all that. But I did a little research (skimmed over the script) and decided that the events of Kingdom Farts: Adventures in Alzheimer's (as I like to call it) might help elucidate the nonsense of the second game. So here, as I understand it, is what occurs:
Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag are having a dick-waving contest out in the middle of nowhere when they stumble upon Castle Bolivian, a behemoth of a fortress that houses the members of a very spooky, very secret organization that reveals all its plans and secrets to the player in cutscenes. As it turns out, though, the organization is not very organized, for the three soon find themselves accosted by a group of rebels led by a pink-haired transsexual with a weird thing for flowers who seek to overthrow the leaders of their organization and need the power of the dildo for it or something. Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag are able to take down the members of this rebel faction by playing cards. There's also some stuff about a red-haired guy named Axel, but nobody cares.
At some point throughout their journey, they encounter a blonde-haired girl whom Sore is just getting ready to proposition when she starts babbling about how their memories are being tampered with and how Diku has a clone and how she got an A PLUS IN ART SCHOOL and all sorts of stuff. So they tell her to fuck off and go on their merry way.
(As a side note, I'm not sure what Diku was doing during all of this, but records indicate that he toured briefly with Linkin Park, so it can't be all that important.)
Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag defeat the transsexual leader and are just getting ready to pop out the gin and juice when the blonde-haired girl abruptly appears again and vengefully throws them into cryogenic freezing chambers, erases all their memories of the incident, and effectively negates anything that ever happened. (This young girl would go on to a lucrative career at the Umbrella Corporation.) She sets the egg timer at one year and wanders off to play hopelessly long games of Parcheesi with other soulless beings like herself.
But our story does not begin there. At the opening of our tale, Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag remain suspended in a deep sleep, floating in the thick mucus of the girl's egg-chambers and growing extra limbs and eyeballs, waiting to be awakened.
Our story begins with Roxxorz.
The First Day: Ghost Face Killa
A scattered dream that's like a far-off memory.
A far-off memory that's like a scattered dream.
HOHO. I'M CLEVER. Wasn't that clever, Maaloxia?
Shut it, Sore. I hate you. I hate everything.
Is it that time of month for you? I'm sorry if you're having some heavy flow.
I'm not a girl, YOU are!
NO I'M NOT!
SHUT UP!
YOU STINK!
YOU'RE A POO-POO SNIFFER!
YOU'RE A DOODOO FART!
"Wow, I've never dreamed ONLY in WORDS before," Roxxorz commented loudly as he awoke.
Hush, child, responded the ubiquitous unseen narrator voice. We're on a tight budget again.
Roxxorz leapt out of his bed and stomped over to the window, furiously throwing the shutters open to a serene, small-town landscape. The sky was a light blue shade, and the sun hung suspended in the east, a motionless orb in the about-10-in-the-morning air. It was always about 10 in the morning in this town, hence its name, "About-10-in-the-Morning Town." As for why it was always about 10 in the morning, no one knew exactly why.
(Actually, several years prior one scientist had discovered that this quotidian anomaly was due to a strange and wholly remarkable coincidence involving the planet's axis orientation and its rotation around the sun, but this went against the local belief that the sun was, in fact, a giant baby, and so they laughed at his "scientific" nonsense and dismissed him as a greasy-haired freak who liked the cock. Embittered by rejection, the scientist eventually left to begin a lucrative career at a small, far-away, little-known and probably not very important company known as Shinra.)
Roxxorz sighed and leaned out the window, his eyes clouding with a distant, homosexual look.
"Another dream about him..."
An egg smashed into his face. Roxxorz reeled from the impact, slimy yolk and flakes of shell flying all over his face. Wiping the dripping would-be chicken out of his eyes, he looked down at the street to see his arch-nemesis Cypher sprinting away laughing.
"ROXXORZ LIKES BOOOOOYS!" Cypher shouted at the top of his lungs as he rounded a corner and disappeared.
Roxxorz sat on a very luxurious wooden crate in the Unusual Spot, throwing darts at a dartboard while his three friends, Hater, Pencil, and Omelet sat conversing nearby.
"Man, doesn't that tick you off?" Hater asked.
"YEAH, NIGGA!" cried Pencil, throwing up random gang signs. "DAS WHACK!"
"What the hell does 'quotidian anomaly' mean, anyway?" asked Omelet, glancing up at the parenthesized paragraph above.
Hater jumped off of his seat, narrowly avoiding a stray dart from Roxxorz, and began to pace the room.
"I mean, yeah, more things have been getting stolen around town," he said, pausing in front of the 60-inch plasma-screen TV that had mysteriously appeared in the Unusual Spot along with many other expensive items not too long ago.
"And MO NIGGAZ is JOININ GANGZ," Pencil added, hastily stuffing his "JOIN DOG STREET NIGGAZ" flyers in a nearby drawer.
"And half the city's been burned to the ground by arsonists," observed Omelet, absent-mindedly flicking a lighter.
"But why does everybody blame this on us!?" Hater cried.
They all turned toward Roxxorz, waiting for his input.
Roxxorz hesitated for a moment, and then whipped out his dick and started waving it around, grinning like a maniac.
"God damn it," Hater muttered as Omelet screamed and Pencil fell against the wall, convulsing in utter horror.
Later that day (at about 10 in the morning), the four were walking through the Mudlot, a filthy bed of filth-encrusted filth that served as the center of the town, and things were looking pretty damn dull until they were suddenly accosted by Cypher and his posse.
"Look!" Roxxorz cried. "Cypher and his posse!"
Hater stepped forward and leered at Cypher. Cypher leered back appropriately, crossing his arms. Things were getting so leery that Roxxorz expected Timothy Leary to jump out at any moment and start doing a bunch of drugs.
Resisting the urge to kill the author for such a bad pun, Hater puffed out his chest and said, "What do you want, Cypher?"
"YOU FAGGOTS GOT SOME ID ON YOU" Cypher screamed at a really quite unnecessarily loud volume.
"SCREW YOU, NIGGA!" retorted Pencil cleverly as Hater's ears began to bleed.
"OH YOU DON'T DO YOU" Cypher shouted, his face red and his eyes bulging from screaming so goddamn loud. "WELL THAT'S TOO BAD FAGGOTS I GUESS ME AND MY POSSE WILL HAVE TO TAKE YOU DOWN TO THE STATION"
"Like, ohmigawd, Cypher," lisped the burly Latino to his left, throwing a hand down in an incredibly gay gesture. "That would be so hawt. Can I, like, put them in handcuffs?"
"Handcuffs," muttered the creepy pale girl to his right.
"This is getting dumb," sighed Omelet as Hater and Cypher began thumb-wrestling. "I could've sworn this scene wasn't nearly as tedious in the game…"
Roxxorz crossed his arms in thought for a moment and then said, quite cleverly, "Penis."
Several hours later, Hater and Cypher had agreed to settle their differences via a few friendly rounds of Street Fighter 2, and thus the four were walking back to the Unusual Spot to grab the SNES.
"GOD I WANT TO—(cough) God, I want to break his face in," Hater said, cracking his knuckles as they entered the Spot.
"Don't let him get to you," Omelet said as she walked over to the SNES. "He can just b—huh!?"
They turned to see Omelet standing above the SNES looking confused.
"The game…it's gone!"
"Aw, SHIT!" hollered Pencil. "MAN I WANTED TO BE THAT BRAZILIAN NIGGA BLANKA! HE REPRESENTS THE OPPRESSED NIGGAZ OF SOUF AMURRICA!"
"No, I'm sure it's here somewhere," Hater said. "Maybe Roxxorz put it in his pants again to create the illusion of having a visible penis."
"Hey!" Roxxorz cried.
But before anyone could speak further, a strange white creature slithered out from under the sofa.
"Look! In its mouth!" Roxxorz cried, gesturing toward the apparition which was rolling around and making all sorts of inappropriate gestures. In its mouth was a game cartridge.
"Quick, grab it!" Hater cried.
Roxxorz leapt forward to grab the creature. The thing slipped out of his grip, moaning sensually and slinking out the door. Roxxorz jumped up, pushing Pencil's fat ass out of the way as he pursued the creature.
After a rather unexciting chase that needs no describing, Roxxorz had the beast cornered.
"I have the beast cornered!" he announced triumphantly, raising his weapon over his head and ready to kill—that is, until he realized he did not, in fact, have a weapon.
"Well, fuck," he muttered as the creature slithered toward him.
We have come for you, my liege, an unseen voice said.
"Hey!" Roxxorz cried as the creature began to devour his leg. "I think it called me "liege!" I'm royalty, bitches!"
But at that moment, he felt a strange chill, and with a flash he found in his hands, a long, sword-length, stainless-steel…
"Dildo!?" Roxxorz cried, waving the artificial penis about. In doing so, he accidentally prodded the creature, which proceeded to burst into thousands of tiny little razor blades. As soon as this had happened, the dildo disappeared.
"The plot thickens!" Roxxorz cried, grabbing the battered game cartridge and scrambling away.
"So, remind me again why you had him placed in a giant egg?"
"Castle Bolivian was a place not meant to exist…he saw things there…terrible things…in fact, by the end of it he was hollering about pink-haired cross-dressers and ridiculously long games of poker."
"Sounds unpleasant."
"Indeed. But now we must make haste. Disorganization miscreants...they've found us. Now they'll try to swindle all our stolen student loans! "
"That little blonde bitch better hurry her cute ass up..."
TO BE CONTINUED...IT GETS BETTER, I SWEAR...
