73. I can't

Between the three of them, Near was a porcelain doll. Pale white skin, emotionless face and eyes…"The boy unable to cry," some of the Wammy kids used to call him. "The emotionless wonder." True as it was, there was more to it than that.

Near has Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger was a form of Autism, but didn't hold to the traditional stereotypes of autism. Near was extremely intelligent, and there was no delay in his speech or cognitive development. His social interaction was limited, he worked in patterns, and he was slightly clumsy. Accompanying the syndrome was Alexithymia, or the deficiency to understand, process, or describe emotions. Other than that, none would have suspected the mental disorder. None the less, Near was respected as the best student at Wammy's house.

But even the "perfect Near" had his share of problems. And most didn't catch up with him until he was working on the Kira case. He had never felt as helpless as he did then. He knew fear, and fleeting moments of happiness. But helplessness…? It just frustrated him. This new "L"…he knew something wasn't right. He was more than 90 sure he was, in fact, Kira. But what proof did he have other than a hunch? He had no hard evidence to convict the new "L." His frustration was palpable, even Lester and Gevanni could sense it. Lester had decided early on not to get involved with Near's thinking. Gevanni just did as he was told and left the issue alone at Near's request.

On one hand, Near wanted help from his two "friends" from Wammy's house. But it was hard to say where Mello and Matt had run off to. They were as difficult to catch as smoke in your palm, constantly evading. On the other hand, this was like a giant game to Near. A giant game of cat and mouse. But who was the Cat, and who was the mouse? Near…he wasn't even sure, himself. Was he the one running, or was he chasing?

He went on with this little debate for a long time. To find Mello, or not to find Mello…that was the hardest question he had to ask himself. He really did want Mello's help in the investigation, since he could only do so much on his own. But he also knew Mello had no interest in working WITH him—he had stated that fact before leaving Wammy's. So why would it change now?

It wasn't until that fateful day. The day he saw Mello walking up the hallway of the SPK headquarters though the video surveillance, his gun pointed at Linder's head as though she was a bargain tool. Their discussion was brief, Mello receiving his picture, and letting Near in on a little secret about the Death note. As he had left, Mello had promised to meet Near "at the final boss," as though the case was a sick video game. Near had agreed readily enough, but…as soon as the door slid closed, a pain shot though Near's chest. He couldn't really identify it; it made him want to jump up and scream, shout, anything to get Mello's attention again. Finally, he stood up and ran into the hallway, back the way Mello had come. The remaining SPK members went into a slight panic, but didn't follow after, and simply turned to the monitors.

"Mello!" The young man's voice echoed down the hall, his cry the loudest he had ever been as far back as he could remember. He felt a pain in his chest, but ignored it, determined to find his blond 

comrade. His feet, covered in not but socks, slipped slightly over the slick tile. "Mello!" After a few minutes of seemingly endless running, his feet gave out under him, and he sat on the floor, his knees folded. Every breath was a shaking gasp, his under-sized heart ramming against his ribs in protest. "I…I want…your help…" he gasped, clutching a stitch in his chest. He swallowed hard before continuing. "I…I need…your…help…" A soft echo of footsteps came from the barren hallway to his left. The fragile boy looked up at the individual. He reached up a shaking hand, grabbing one covered with a leather glove. "…Please…" he begged.

Mello stared down at his rival, ice blue eyes, normally narrowed in anger or disgust, were soft, almost in pity. He sighed heavily, moving his hair out of his face. "…Near…"

"I need…your help…catching…Kira…" Near panted again, pulling Mello down to his level. "I know you…have no intention…of working with…me…but…I need you…" His thin arms wrapped around Mello's neck, in a final plead. "please, Mello?"

Mello was silent. There was nothing to say. With a sigh, hinting at not annoyance, but apology, the other man's arms wrapped around Near's waist, holding him. "I can't," he whispered.

"why?"

"…" Mello had no answer.

"This new L is Kira, Mello. And I won't let some…murderer disgrace his names like this…" Near pulled away, looking Mello in the eye. "are going to let that happen?"

Mello stared for a moment, his expression blank. He hugged Near again as he stood, lifting the young man off the floor. "Matt and I are behind you," he whispered, giving Near a gentle squeeze. "You're not alone. We have your back. We will get Kira. I know it." Slowly, he placed the boy on his feet again, kissed the top of his head, and walked out. Near stared after, listening to Mello's footfalls. He watched, until he could no longer see Mello. Once the blond was out of sight, he listened. Thump…thump…thump… Until the mafia-man's steps were gone.

Something came over Near then. He didn't know what, but he felt as though something broke inside. He had already lost L. And as dangerous as this case was, as much as he wanted Mello's help…he was scared of losing him.

--

Less than a week later, Near received news that Mello had been killed. Gevanni told him what he knew about what happened; about Takada's kidnapping, the fire… And as much as Near wanted to feel nothing…he felt something. Something deep in the cockles of his heart, he felt something. He waited…and waited…and waited…until Gevanni finally left. He waited until he was alone in the bedroom he had been supplied. He waited until it was completely dark, and he couldn't even see the silhouette of the bed's head board.



And, for the first time he could remember…he cried. And then he began to wish he had never given Mello back his photo. 'Dear Mello.' A small, shattering sound echoed in Near's ears, and though he didn't know what it was…it only made him cry that much more.