Author's Note: I'm comfy with calling this a "T", but there is some strong language and mild sexual content, just as an FYI. Set in the context of my other stories, moments before and after the eleventh pilgrimage, up to and including moments after my story A Phoenix By Any Other Name, all from Taylor's perspective. Not entirely sure where this came from, except that it was just a place my head took me.
There will be at least one more chapter, but it could take a while due to work deadlines this week and next. Either that, or I'll be unable to focus on work and I'll end up finishing it sooner!
Disclaimer is as usual – no profit, not mine, just borrowing.
Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone. His own burden in his own way. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Terra Nova, the night before the eleventh pilgrimage.
Nathaniel sighs as he leaves the command center alone. It's late and a quiet night, most people already home for the night. He's on his way to see Alicia, something he's been dreading. He approaches her house carefully, knowing how much he pissed her off earlier today when he told her she was staying behind for the eleventh.
He knows it's irrational, knows it's probably a bad idea, but just this one time he wants her safe inside the colony fences. He has a bad feeling about the coming pilgrimage, and he is giving in to to his near-constant desire to protect her. The scene in his office earlier, witnessed by both Guz and Shannon, wasn't pretty.
He'd laid out the plan for tomorrow, and he could see the moment when she realized that her only role in that plan was to see them off in the morning. She'd leaned back and crossed her arms across her chest, her entire demeanor going cold, making Guz and Shannon exchange a nervous glance.
He should have dismissed them then, but he'd been an idiot, defensive about his decision, and he'd just engaged her. "Something to say, Lieutenant?" At best, his tone might've been considered a little distracted. At worst, and he knew it was a more realistic interpretation, he'd sounded dismissive and condescending.
She'd bristled immediately at his use of her rank and tone, obviously knowing that he was using his role as her C.O. to make a military decision for decidedly non-military reasons and had no interest in discussing it. "Does it matter, sir?"
He'd barely managed to hide his wince at the way her voice twisted on the word "sir." Shannon and Guz were wholly unsuccessful, and they'd both scooted their chairs back. It'd also raised his hackles, and he'd foolishly pushed her. "Of course it does, Lieutenant. I always welcome input from my staff, you know that."
When he'd referred to her as "staff," Shannon shook his head and Guz actually expelled a shocked breath. Her eyes had narrowed dangerously, and she'd stood up, a light sheen of tears suddenly clouding those eyes, and said, "Fuck you, Nathaniel Taylor," with no small amount of venom. Before he'd been able to recover from his surprise at her reaction, not at all the reaction he'd been expecting, she'd stormed out of his office. He hasn't seen her since.
He runs a hand through his hair as he walks. She'd avoided him all day. He knew all her assigned tasks were complete, as she'd had Reynolds and Reilly both bring him reports. Both of the younger soldiers had barely disguised their own disdain, though he guessed that she'd not said anything about what happened. Alicia can be stoic when she wants to, but the mere fact that she was having others report to him on her behalf would have told them all they needed to know.
He sighs again. He'd expected her to be upset. What he hadn't expected was the hurt and the clearly pretty significant anger. Looking back on it, he can't imagine how he could've ever thought it would go any way other than how it did. He curses himself and his innate ability to delude himself into thinking that what he decides is the "Right Thing" will be accepted and go over fine simply because he thinks it's right.
Getting to her door, he sees that her house is mostly dark. He doesn't take that as a good sign. She couldn't have told him not to come over much more clearly without calling him to say it explicitly. He's stubborn though, and he won't let them go to bed like this, much less part tomorrow like this. He looks around to see if anyone is nearby, and after confirming that the coast is clear, he passes his hand over the door sensor and enters.
As he closes and locks the door behind him, his heart sinks a little when he hears her voice, low and dangerous. "Go home, Commander." Usually when they're alone and she uses his rank, it's teasing and playful. There is nothing of that in her voice tonight.
He turns and sees her sitting on her couch. The room is dark save a small light over the sink in the kitchen. He halfway expects to see a bottle of whiskey in front of her on the coffee table, but all he sees is a glass of water. He approaches the couch, and he sees that she's sitting back with her knees pulled to her chest and her arms wrapped around them, the position she takes when she's upset or feeling threatened. Her face is nearly unreadable.
"Alicia…" his voice has a conciliatory tone, and her reaction is immediate.
Every muscle in her body seems to go tense, and her face becomes the face of rage. She points one threatening finger at him. "Don't. Don't you dare. You don't get to dismiss me as 'staff' in front of Guz and Shannon and then come here to make nice. Get out, Nathaniel. I do not want you here right now."
He makes a conscious effort to keep his voice even. "I'm not leaving." He sits on the coffee table, facing her head on. "I owe you an apology. I know that. I was a bastard today, and I deserved your reaction. But I can't leave tomorrow with this sitting here festering between us."
She doesn't give him an inch. "You should have thought of that before, Nathaniel." She jumps up, startling him. She starts to pace. "You and I both know I should be out there. You and I both know that the wise thing is for me to go and you to stay here, just as it always is. Regardless of your reasons for going against what is actually the best tactical position, though, your treatment of me today was unacceptable."
She stops pacing for a moment and looks at him dead on. "This is the first time in seven years that I have even come close to regretting us, Nathaniel. This is the first time that I truly don't like you."
He opens his mouth to protest, her words stinging deep, but she's not having it. "You treated me like an afterthought, and then you had the audacity to completely undermine me by calling me 'staff' in front of the people I have to work with and, in most cases, command on a daily basis, only to avoid having to admit that you are doing this for purely personal reasons. Not to mention the fact that while they're not aware that I'm your wife, they are aware of our personal relationship – so you ended up with a two-for-one, because you also personally humiliated me."
He can't argue with her, and she obviously knows it. "So don't you dare come in here and try to make me forgive you by guilting me about the fact that you're leaving tomorrow. If that's your plan, your goal, then I'll say it again. Fuck you, Nathaniel Taylor."
She stalks away, heading to the kitchen. She opens a cabinet and pulls out a glass and the whiskey bottle he expected earlier, and she pours herself a generous amount. After putting the bottle down, she drains the glass in seconds. She then slams the glass down on the counter, spins around, and glares at him. "Now I've already said it, but you are obviously in idiot mode today, so I'll say it again. Get out."
He takes a deep breath and gets to his feet. He doesn't know how to fix this, but he's desperate to. After running a hand through his hair, he walks to the kitchen. Her eyes darken with more anger as he does. He holds up his hands, hoping to buy himself some time. "Alicia, please let me say this. When I'm done, I'll go if you still want me to."
After a few tense moments of an icy stare he's only ever seen her use with mortal enemies, she gives him a terse nod. He nods back and runs a hand through his hair again. "I don't know why I did that today. I don't…I didn't mean for it to happen the way it did. I can be a mean-spirited son of a bitch, and I don't know why I do it to you."
He pauses, looking down. "I didn't come here for forgiveness. I don't really deserve it. And while it's true that I want us to at least put this aside for tonight, I don't expect you to shrug off what I did today. You're also right that I was in idiot mode. I got defensive because I knew you saw what I was doing, that I was keeping you here because I'm afraid of something happening to you. So, instead of just admitting that, I tried to bulldoze you. I just wanted to stop the conversation, and I gave no thought to how it might sound."
He looks back up at her. Her eyes are still dark with anger, but he can see a hint of a thaw there. "I know you can handle yourself. I know you can deal with whatever is coming at us, whatever it may be, but I, I…"
"You what, Nathaniel?" Her voice has lost a little of its edge, but he can hear the anger that remains.
He risks taking a small step closer to her. "I can't survive without you. If I lose you, I lose myself. You never let me protect you. You never let me take care of you the way you take care of me. I know something is coming. I know it. And I'm pretty sure that if Lucas could have his way, I'd be brought to my knees. Even though I don't think he knows about us, he knows that you're all I have left. He'd kill you purely because it would harm me."
He grips the kitchen counter, and she remains silent, so he looks down at his hands. "I meant it when I said don't need you to forgive me tonight, Alicia, but I couldn't leave without apologizing, and I couldn't leave without explaining. I make no excuses for how I acted. All I can do is explain my motivation. When Ayani died…" he takes a deep, rattling breath, "It was because of me. Because I brought her and Lucas to a war zone, convinced myself they'd be safe."
He feels her move closer to him, but he doesn't look up. "I can barely breathe when you're OTG without me, but I know I can't keep you here. That's not fair to you, and it's not who we are. But I just have a bad feeling about all of this. I need you inside the gates this time. And I was so desperate to have that happen that I deluded myself into thinking that if I glossed over it, got past it quickly, I'd get my way, that you'd be annoyed with me but that we'd be fine. It was stupid and thoughtless, and I knew that the moment I saw your face."
Her hand closes over his. He still doesn't look up, but he notices that it's her left hand over his and that her ring is on. He turns his hand over under hers, brushing his thumb over her ring. "I'm sorry, Alicia."
She sighs, and he finally looks up at her. "You hurt me today, Nathaniel. You hurt me in front of other people. You haven't done that in a long time. Not since you did it in front of Guz back in 2141." She alludes to an incident they had back in the early planning stages of the expedition.
He nods. "I know. He ripped me a new one after Shannon left, and he reminded me of what happened back then. He told me I was wrong back then and that I'm wrong today. I honestly think he was about to hit me, but Reilly called needing to ask him something. He told her he was coming, and then he looked at me and said that he was with you. He also said 'fuck you' before he left."
"Good." She's not smiling, but at least she isn't glaring anymore. He thinks to himself that it's better than nothing.
"I can't take back what I said today, Alicia, and I know that what I'm about to say is going to most likely make you tell me to get out again, but…"
She cuts him off. "I know you're not going to change your mind, Nathaniel. Not when you invoke Ayani. I know you wouldn't do that lightly." She pulls her hand away. "I don't agree. You know that. It's the wrong thing to do. We both are fully aware that, in a military situation, the emotional decision is rarely the right decision."
She turns back towards the bottle of whiskey and pours another glass. This time, she holds it out to him. He shoots her a grateful look before tossing the amber liquid back. She takes the glass back and puts it in the sink before turning back to him. "It's a good thing you don't need me to forgive you tonight, because I don't. I don't like the way you made me feel today, and I don't like how easily you made me feel that way."
She clearly can see that he's about to apologize again, because she holds up her hand. "Don't. Don't say you're sorry anymore. I know you are. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. But the fact remains that you did."
She turns and heads for her bedroom. His eyes follow her, and he can't stop himself from calling her name. "Alicia, I…"
She stops walking, and he turns out the light over the sink before coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her from behind. She tenses at first, but then he lets out a breath he didn't even realize he'd been holding when she relaxes back into him. Her whispered words make him hate himself for his behavior that morning. "After my mom died, Nathaniel, I decided I'd never love anyone again. I decided I'd be on my own forever. I was OK with that."
She takes a deep breath before going on, "But I met you, and you dragged me out of that general med tent and into not just your unit, but your life. Then, my heart broke again over Ayani. But I still let you in. You are the only person I've ever truly given my heart to. I had friends and lovers in the past, but until you, no one really cleared the walls, not even Ayani, who I truly loved as a friend and sister."
She turns in his arms and looks up at him in the dim light of the moon through the windows. He can see the vulnerability and lingering hurt in her eyes, and the guilt knifes through him again. "Alicia, I swear on this colony that I'll be more careful with your feelings in the future. I know I'm going to mess up, but I swear I'll try to be better."
She keeps her eyes on his for a moment, and then she leans up and kisses him gently. "Come to bed, Nathaniel."
Her words flood him with relief. She takes his hand and guides him to her room, and he follows willingly. They both silently undress, her down to panties and one of his t-shirts, and him down to his boxers. He pulls his tags over his head and removes his ring from the chain. He puts on the ring and leaves his tags on the bedside table.
He slides under the covers, and she's on him almost instantly. It takes him very much by surprise, but he isn't going to fight it. In the middle of it, with him above her, buried deep inside her body, she stops moving and pulls him down to her in a fierce kiss. She pulls back and moves her mouth near his ear and nearly growls, "You come back to me in one piece, Nathaniel."
"Yes ma'am." He grits out the words as she begins to move against him again. They sleep tangled tight together, her draped across his chest and them clinging to each other.
The next morning, they part after sharing several long minutes of kissing just inside her front door. When they part publicly later, they revert to their usual slightly sarcastic banter. He sees Reynolds check on her before they leave, and he watches as she clearly tries to reassure her adopted little brother that she's fine, even though Nathaniel knows deep down that she isn't.
In his heart, he still feels the guilt simmering there, shame over his behavior yesterday and shame over placing his own needs above what might be best for the colony. Their eyes meet just before the convoy pulls out, and he mouths, "I love you," to her. She doesn't say anything, but she nods and puts her hand over her heart. He looks back at the colony for as long as he can see the top of the fence.
It feels like an eternity has passed since that moment at the gate, and he stares into the fire unable to form a single coherent thought. His mind just keeps playing her last moments over and over again, and all he can hear is Shannon's voice saying that it would be suicide.
All he knows is that he'd welcome death. Had Shannon's family not been there, had he been alone and witnessing her execution, he would have gone in guns blazing. Twice now, he has had to watch his wife die at the hands of the enemy. It's made worse this time by the fact that the enemy was his own son and by the fact that he knows she died believing that she let him down by surrendering the colony.
The youngest Shannon child's hug was well-intentioned and a brief distraction, but in the end, he knows he just pulled himself in tighter, his walls going up so high that they won't ever be breached again. Not only did she die because of his choice to force her to stay behind, but she probably died because of her loyalty to him.
He looks up to see Shannon picking his way through the trees. The man looks shaken, but Nathaniel guesses that they all are. The moment that Shannon says the words, "Cu Lao Cham," Nathaniel realizes that she may have just saved them all again. Now, he just has to wade through the emotional mud that has flooded his heart to find the strength to honor her by blowing those sons of bitches and Hope Plaza sky high.
