"I believe you now, and… I'm going to try to forgive you."
That's not quite right.
"That's… all I wanted to say."
But it isn't. It isn't all I wanted to say.
You were my friend. Still are my friend. And I know he was your friend too, I know now you wouldn't have killed him if you had a choice.
I thought you weren't my friend anymore. That you had given up that right when you shot him. But that's not what friendship is. You didn't give up the right to my friendship when you shot him, because friendship is not something anyone can have a right to.
I need your friendship more than you need mine. Because without me, you are not alone. But without you, I am alone.
It's me who doesn't have the right to your friendship. Because despite being raised Candor, I could not see the truth in your eyes, or maybe I just refused to look. You didn't want to kill him, but I wanted to blame you. Because if I didn't, I would have fallen apart.
But maybe it's not if we fall apart that matters. Maybe what really matters is who picks up the pieces when we do. And without you, I am all alone. So I do need you.
I refused to see you grief. I thought your guilt meant that you were regretting a decision, to kill him, that you had made voluntarily. But I was wrong.
And he wouldn't have wanted this.
I don't know if he would have blamed you, but he probably wouldn't have. He had come from Erudite; he would have looked at the facts.
And the facts are, we are in a war. And in war, sacrifices have to be made. And while I wish it wasn't him, I know I cannot be so selfish as to wish, any longer, that it was anyone else.
He wouldn't have wanted me to be alone.
Even if he had blamed you, he wouldn't have wanted me to push you aside. I need you, and I know he would have told me to hold on to you, even if you killed him. Because this is no longer about him, and what he would have wanted. Now this is about me, and what I need.
And maybe I'm not the one who needs to forgive you. Maybe I'm the one who needs to be forgiven. Because you were hurting, just as much as I was. And I pushed you away.
So I don't know if there's anything for me to forgive. But I know you think there is, and until I forgive that, I will be alone.
So I'm not trying to forgive you. I already have.
"It's already done." There. "That's what I meant to say." It is. "That the forgiving was already done."
And I can only hope that's true for both of us.
