I'm not quite sure how this got written. It just sorta happened. Must have been depressed.
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"Hisoka,"
It was not sex.
"Hisoka, am I human?"
Hisoka feared sex, hated sex, didn't ever want to have sex. What he did with Tsuzuki could not be sex.
"Of course you are, idiot."
He couldn't handle it if it were.
"Show me…"
So when Tsuzuki showed up at his door in the middle of the night, crying, drunk as often as not, he didn't let him in for sex. He let him in for comfort.
"…please?"
Comfort. Reassurance. They were good words. Nice words. Appropriate words for dragging his partner into the house. For shoving him down on the nearest flat surface, tugging at clothes until they were out of the way. For taking care not to be gentle, because humans felt pain. For making damn sure Tsuzuki bled and saw the red liquid. Humans bleed. Humans cry. Humans are allowed to be flawed. Humans are allowed to lie. Humans can seek comfort in each other.
"No, don't…don't stop…please…."
It wasn't always Tsuzuki, though. Sometimes he'd find himself outside on a bad night, waiting for Tsuzuki's door to open, to half-whisper the words.
"I'm cold."
And Tsuzuki would let him in and gently ease him over to the bedroom. Clothes were left to the side, not quite folded, but piled neatly. Things would be slow and careful as his blood slowly defrosted.
"I don't mean to be cold."
It was so warm inside Tsuzuki.
"You aren't."
Too warm. Hisoka found he quickly lost his chill and became uncomfortably hot. Sweaty, sticky and flushed with embarrassment, he'd want to get away. Tsuzuki would cling to him, softly sobbing.
"I'm sorry, please…"
As if it were his fault.
"…please don't leave me."
As if Hisoka had any choice in the matter.
"Idiot. I have to go to the bathroom."
Panic would grip his stomach. Fear at being caught lying?
"Will you come back?"
Fear of the lie.
"Yes."
The cold water in the shower would remove the filth, the stain of those nights. He could sneak back into the room, take his clothes, and flee while Tsuzuki pretended to sleep. Or if they were at his house, he'd return from the bathroom to find Tsuzuki already gone. Then, alone, it would be his turn to cry. Sobs would wrack his form at his weakness, breaking his word every time. Always the lie.
"Promise?"
Don't say it, not this time.
"I promise."
It was sex. Not sleeping together, not making love, just sex. That was all it was. Pretending it could be something else only made it worse. There was no reassurance in sitting alone on dirty sheets. No comfort in returning to work the next day as though nothing had happed. It hurt. And after each incident, Hisoka swore he wouldn't let it happen again.
"Hisoka,"
Yet within a week, one of them would show up at the other's door.
"Hisoka, am I human?"
Seeing Tsuzuki look up at him, eyes filled with trust, ignoring every past betrayal, cut into Hisoka's heart. It wasn't enough, though.
"I'm sorry, please…"
Even knowing how much damage he was doing, he couldn't stop. No more than Tsuzuki could.
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"Will you come back?"
Why does he ask the question when he knows the answer?
"Yes."
The lie must always be voiced, the game always played. Hisoka can't feel any hope in the question, and he puts no truth in his response. They know what line comes next.
"I promise."
