This holiday season! For a limited time only!
*cue Star Wars theme
All of the six original un-raped Star Wars films will be re-released in cinemas before being remade into shit!
*scene shows Butters dressed as Professor Chaos with gold tinfoil standing beside Timmy who's wearing a bucket on his head. The duo are walking through a desert landscape.
"Ah, well, gee-wiz R2 do you think we should really be out here all alone? I mean what if we're trespassing on someone's property without knowing about it? They might get real mad and start hollerin at us."
"Timmah!" replies R2-Tim2.
"Well gee, I never thought of it that way but what if were in inhospitable territory? What if no-one inhabits this planet? What do we do if theres nothing on tv but repeats?"
"Livnalie Timmy!"
A few seconds later a number of kindergarteners wearing hoods jump out from behind rocks and start firing lasers at the droids. CP3Butters runs away screaming while R2 says:
"Timma!"
With lovable hero's!
* Craig (as Luke Skywalker) is hanging upside down from an icy caverns ceiling whilst trying to use the force to retrieve his lightsaber when suddenly a disgusting monster walks in!
"Mah names June an you look likes you would go well with sgetti n butter! You can say what you want but mah weight makes me sassy child!"
"Aaaaahh!"
Craig Skywalker suddenly grabs his lightsaber and slices through June's arm causing the behemoth the run off.
*Scene now shows Stan Solo and Jewbaca shooting at some stormtroopers.
"Jewie behind you!"
"Gawrara!
Jewie turns and smacks a stormtrooper with a knife who was sneaking up on him.
"Good work Jewie!"
"Gaaaar-*cough* hack *cough*-man I really need a throat lasagne and a glass of water."
*Scene now shows Wendy in a skimpy outfit choking Cartman with her chains.
"Don't you know its wrong to objectify women like that!" Wendy punches Fatass the Hutt several times in the face causing him to cry out.
"Maaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmm! Mooooommmmmy!"
Liane Cartman suddenly pokes her head around the door "Yes hun?"
"She's choking me!"
Thats nice hun. Auto-erotic-asphyxiation is actually how you were conceived."
Mrs Cartman leaves while Fatass still cries out: "Meeeheem! Seriously get the fuck back in here and respect mah goddamn authoritah!"
And of course some of the most memorable villains in history!
Craig and Kevin are battling it out but both are equally skilled...or so Craig thinks! Kevin has actually been going easy on him and now cuts off Craig's hand causing the younger one to cry out in pain. Kevin starts to chuckle.
"Nobody ever told you about your fathers death, he was mentioned to you hundreds of times but no one ever told you how he died."
"Randy Wan Kenobi told me..." Craig's eyes narrow in hatred "He told me you killed him!"
"No... I am your father!"
"No." said Craig in a small voice "No. No it can't be. It can't be true! YOUR LYING!"
"Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
*Scene switches to show Terrance Mephesto talking to Kevin.
"Something something something something-"
"Jesus christ this is bullshit! I'm going to get a coke, call me when you've actually got something interesting to say." With that said Kevin walks out of the room.
And of course... the BEST Star Wars character EVER!... PIP PIP!
Pip dressed as Jar Jar waves at the camera.
"Hello, my name is Phillip Pirrup but everyone calls me Pip Pip Assface because they hate me..."
*Scene switches to show Craig Skywalker, Princess Wendy, Stan Solo, Jewbaca, the droids and Pip Pip in the Millenium Falcon being pursued by Stormtrooper ships.
"Oh I say! This is a bit of a bother! How shall we get out of this one?"
"Shut up Pip Pip!" everyone yells unanimously.
*Scene now shows our hero's in a swamp where they meet with Ike/Yoda for the first time.
"Who are you?" asks Craig.
"Cookie Monster!"
"Oh I say! What an odd fellow, I do hope-"
"Shut up Pip Pip!" everyone snaps angrily.
"Oh, right-o..."
"Elmo has an affair with sparkly vampire!" blurts out Ike.
*Scene now shows Pip Pip and the others fighting all the villains minus Kevin.
"Excuse me but could one of you gents tell me where the loo is? I'm afraid I had too much tea and crumpets on the ride over here." says Pip Pip.
"Jesus Christ!" says Stan who is NBP'ing (nose bridge pinching).
"Pip for the love of God! Nobody drinks goddamn tea in space you French bastard!" snaps Fatass.
Pip Pip's eyes narrow at the French comment but before Pip Pip can respond Kevin walks into the room dressed as Spock from Star Trek.
"Hey guys I've been meaning to ask, can we do a Star Trek re-enactment next?"
For several long seconds nothing is said until...
"Kevin goddamnit. You wreck everything, every fucking time Kevin! Even Star Wars, one of your favourite films and you wreck it! Just...Jesus Kevin!" snaps Fatass.
After hearing these words a dejected Kevin walks away sadly as everyone else glares at him.
So what are you waiting for? Go see this movie before a new shitty version comes out. Coming to a cinema near you!
Tell me what you think of this first chapter. This chapter was trailer based but I'll probably be making most future chapters different, I'll just show some of the more important scenes from that movie with SP characters.
