Disclaimer: I own nothing. And half the credit for this fic goes to my pal Silver. We salute you.


Diego's Family Affair

Chapter 1

August 9, 1:46 PM
Grossberg Law Offices

Diego Armando guzzled his fifth cup of coffee that day and slumped over his desk. Business was slow, and the mail had just arrived. He warily glanced over at the pile on the edge of the desk, wondering for a fleeting moment if anything in the stack would actually be worthwhile, since it was painfully obvious that this month's issue of Caffeine Lovers' Digest hadn't arrived yet. He muttered something under his breath, sat up and took hold of the heap of letters, filtering through the seemingly endless bills, advertisements, "Have You Seen Me's," and Publisher's Clearing House envelopes, pacing the room as he filled his coffee cup again and took a casual sip.

And that was when he saw it.

One quick glance at the garish turquoise and yellow envelope told him all he needed to know. He didn't even have to examine the ridiculous blue and green jungle seal binding the envelope shut to know what it was. Resisting every urge to expectorate a spray of his precious coffee all over the room simply from the shock, he stared bug-eyed at the envelope, afraid to even dare open that letter in public and knowing full well that he should probably read its contents sitting down.

As the defense attorney ogled the vibrant piece of postage, another attorney sauntered down the halls at Grossberg's with a manila envelope in her hands. It seemed as though every male staff member had noticed her neckline was about an inch lower than usual that day, and that her skirt was about an inch higher. The whole lot frantically scrambled to pry off their wedding rings as Mia Fey passed by their offices, knowing full well that both of them were quite taken at the moment. The ones who weren't yet married simply struggled to keep from drowning in their own drool as she walked through the building like a supermodel on a runway. Nobody bothered to mention that her outfit was in violation of the firm's dress code.

Mia stopped in the doorway of Diego's office and slinked into the room, shooting her boyfriend a flirtatious wink as she placed the folder on his desk next to him. To her utter astonishment and disappointment, he didn't even see her enter the room. The man seemed to be completely absorbed in something—hunched over his desk, slowly sipping his fifth—or was it his sixth—cup of coffee. She frowned and crossed her arms in frustration. Usually all it took was one whiff of her perfume for anyone with a Y chromosome to melt into a blubbering puddle of goo, and she'd liberally doused herself with the stuff that morning.

She cleared her throat and this time Diego really did spit a spray of coffee onto his desk. He glanced up to where Mia was glaring at him and broke into a cold sweat. Mia had a sinking feeling that his perspiration had absolutely nothing to do with her outfit. "Okay, spill it." She ordered as Diego frantically tried to shove the unnecessarily gaudy envelope into his desk. "Who sent you that absurdly bright letter?"

Diego gulped. "I…er…uh…" He stammered as he flushed a shade of red even deeper than his shirt. "It's nothing at all, Kitten. It's just junk mail."

However, before he could stand up to toss it in the shredder, Mia violently slammed a palm onto his desk and pointed at him with her other hand. "HOLD IT!" She shouted. "Aren't you even going to open the letter?"

"But it's junk mail," Diego insisted.

Mia rolled her eyes. "That doesn't look like any piece of junk mail I've ever seen," She muttered. Just then, she gasped. "You're not cheating on me with another woman, are you? Don't tell me you're trying to destroy the evidence or something like that…"

Diego struggled to explain himself, but the situation was just too hard to explain. He needed another cup of coffee. "Errr..." he managed to utter. "No, of c-course not, Kitten. It's not what it looks like!"

In his flustered stupor, he hardly even noticed as Mia extracted the envelope from his hands. "I thought you said at the start of our relationship that we wouldn't hide anything from each other!" She exclaimed with a pout.

"This is different!" Diego urged.

"Oh really?" Mia replied as opened the envelope and scanned the letter inside. She slyly raised an eyebrow. "Who's Alicia, then?"

Diego suddenly turned pale. "Nobody important." He snapped.

"So you are cheating on me…"

"NO!" The older defense attorney roared as he made a futile attempt to snatch the letter from Mia's grasp.

"I'll ask one more time." Mia frowned as she glared at Diego's panicked visage. "Who is Alicia? If you don't tell me right now and if you don't tell me the truth, then we are through!"

Outside the office both of them could hear a loud cheer from the men who'd been staring at Mia earlier. One of them even had the nerve to shout, "I'm available!"

Diego sighed, stomped over, and slammed the door shut. He trudged over to his coffee machine and prepared another pot of coffee. He was going to need cup #7 a lot sooner than he'd anticipated. Mia stood behind him, tapping her foot impatiently. "I'm waiting, Mr. Armando." She flatly stated.

"It's…" He began to explain, but one look from his girlfriend told him that he wouldn't be able to get out of this one unless he really did tell the truth. Somehow or another, she always seemed to know when he was lying to her. It was almost creepy. "Alicia is…my older sister." He sighed. "Now, Kitten, please give me back my letter."

As Diego reached over to retrieve the letter once again, Mia pulled it back. "That's funny," she quipped. "You always told me you were an only child."

"I really don't like to talk about her, okay?" Diego practically shouted at her. His expression softened a bit as his coffee finished brewing across the room. "We kind of…had a falling out period, if you know what I mean." He muttered, raking a hand through his wild black hair. "My family wasn't exactly supportive when I decided I wanted to become a lawyer. I haven't heard from any of them in years."

His explanation seemed to work for Mia, who stared at him, stunned. She couldn't help but feel a twinge of sympathy for him. However, she regained her composure before she could let her emotions take over and retorted, "If you haven't heard from them in years, then why are you getting mail from them now?"

Diego trudged over to his coffeepot and poured his seventh cup of coffee. He shrugged. "I'm just as surprised about that as you are. You never gave me a chance to even read it."

Mia begrudgingly handed her boyfriend the letter. As he read it aloud, she hovered almost unnecessarily close to him to make sure he spared her no details.

"Dear Diego," He began as he sat back down in his office chair and set his coffee on the desk lest he read something particularly unnerving. "I know I haven't made much of an effort to contact you in a long time, but with you being away for so long, it made me realize how important family and teamwork really is."

Mia skeptically raised an eyebrow. "Did something happen to your parents?" She wondered out loud.

"Child Services took me away from them when I was about fourteen," Muttered Diego. "I highly doubt it."

"What?" Mia stammered. "Why?"

"Well…they weren't exactly…er…" Diego racked his brain for the right way to put it, "…mentally stable."

Mia affectionately squeezed Diego's shoulder. "I'm so sorry," she replied as Diego took another swig of coffee. "If you ever want to talk about…"

Diego put a finger to Mia's lips before she could finish her sentence. "It's okay, really." He insisted as he continued to read the letter. "That's why your cousin and I decided to hold a family reunion. It probably won't be much, considering that the social workers wouldn't let us see Mami and Papi without a police escort, but we're inviting all of our old friends and we need your help to make this party the best it can be."

"A party?" Mia gushed. "That sounds great! Maybe you can make up with your family again!"

Diego gave her a curt snicker. "Really?" He scoffed. "Frankly I think I've come to terms with never seeing them again."

"Diego," Mia frowned. Clearly the man was in denial. "You don't have to act all tough around me. The letter does say later on that you could bring an extra guest. I think I'd actually like to go with you. It might ease some of the tension…"

Diego twitched visibly and chugged the rest of his coffee down in one voracious swig. "But Kitten, we had a date planned for that day…"

"Diego," Mia pouted, "What could be more romantic than attending your family reunion? You're not afraid of commitment, are you?"

"What?" Diego almost upchucked the coffee he'd just downed. "Mia, this isn't what you…"

"Listen," Continued Mia as she massaged Diego's shoulders and read the rest of the letter to herself, "I think it'd be good for you and good for us if we went together."

Diego just shook his head. "You just…" He sighed. "Forget it. It's hard to explain. I'll humor you this once…but don't say I didn't warn you."


August 26, 7:32 PM
Gatewater Hotel Lobby

Mia and Diego walked up to the reception desk, decked out in their finest formal evening wear. Diego had rented a tuxedo for the occasion at Mia's insistence, and Mia had spent the entire afternoon at the salon getting her hair done. She fiddled with the clasp on her clutch purse and smiled reassuringly at Diego as the receptionist pointed the way to the ballroom. She'd noticed that her boyfriend looked unnaturally pale, and he'd chugged about twice as much coffee as usual throughout the entire day.

"Kitten?" He uttered.

"Yes, Diego?"

He took his girlfriend by the hands and stared into her eyes. "Will you promise me that no matter what happens tonight, it won't affect our relationship?"

Mia stared into Diego's worried brown eyes, perplexed by the situation. She'd assumed that meeting his family meant that their relationship could only improve. "Why would you say a thing like that?" She asked.

"Er…you'll see soon enough." He muttered, pausing for a moment as they reached the ballroom and relaxing his grip on Mia. Next to the heavy double doors was a sign about three feet high with that same jungle-themed logo from the envelope on it. Two blue jaguar silhouettes frolicked under a bright green palm tree, and a couple of birds dotted the unnaturally yellow sky just over the horizon. Diego had hoped he would never have to see that logo ever again.

But before he could run back down the hallway as fast as his legs could carry him and never look back, Mia wrapped her arm around his and pulled him close. "I know you're a little nervous," She tried to reassure him. "Just remember, I'll always be there for you."

She pushed the doors open, leading him into the ballroom…and froze dead in her tracks. Diego had always been told that women were fickle. The scene which unfolded before him was proof enough. Mia's eyes shot wide open and she wrinkled her nose in disgust as the stench of nearly four dozen wild animals bombarded the two of them like a monsoon. The ballroom looked as though the city zoo had just thrown up in it. Monkeys swung from the chandeliers. A llama was in the process of devouring the tassel on the curtains. A water buffalo was drinking from the punch bowl…and a small alligator was swimming in it. To top it off, a toucan swooped over the young woman's head, and several seconds later, Diego noticed a damp, white splotch had landed in her freshly coiffed updo.

Mia stared dumbfounded at the menagerie and stammered, "Somebody call Animal Control…"