5/19/846
Dear diary,
I have already written about how great it is that I made it into squad Levi. But, since then, much has happened - even in four days.
The first morning was odd because of how new an experience the squad was. I woke up before everybody else - which was nothing new, and decided to make tea - Captain Levi seemed to like my tea. As I finished, Captain Levi came down. He asked me for a cup. I gave one and we sat at the table. Normally, I'd have something to do, but this morning I was left with my thoughts. Captain also looked lost in thought. I couldn't help but look over occasionally and think about how I was sitting next to humanity's greatest soldier as he sipped my tea. He could've been anybody - my father reading the newspaper or just anybody. I noticed his gaze on me a few minutes later. "Anything wrong, Captain?"
"Just thinking of the long distance scouting formation." He did pause before that, but what else would he think of, the color of my hair?
The rest of the day was normal - training, training and more training. I realized how inexperienced I was. But the training was fine and I didn't really fall behind. I got to recognise everybody, which wasn't much, because there were only the five of us. Erd is the tall blonde, Gunther is a little shorter and has dark hair, then there's Auro who is much shorter and older, Captain Levi and then me.
The next morning was even more odd than the last. I'd brought writing materials to write to dad. I had made tea and poured it for Captain. I began to write about the great honor it was to be selected and about how there was nothing to worry about. "Petra, mind if I read?" Yes, he did just ask that. I looked over the letter. Well, I did honor him, so why not? "Sure." He read it over. I stared at him and wondered if he approved. He had an odd calm about him. He looked up. "I picked you because you were the best, idiot." He'd gotten to the part where I wondered about why he chose me.
"Best, Captain?" I was by no means the best. I was fourth and the second best in the squad didn't make squad Levi (the first and third chose the military police).
"Yes, I don't just look at the numbers." 'Then, what do you look at?' I almost asked. I didn't know him well enough and his demeanour didn't welcome conversation. Yet, his reply suggested I did something special. I wonder what - I have to keep doing it. Captain handed back the letter. He looked at my face as I kept wondering what he meant. "Ah, you're wondering what, aren't you?"
I nodded. "It's that you care about people." What? Didn't everybody else? He seemed to read my mind, "Many others only care about killing titans." That's what he saw in me! That I could easily continue - caring, that wasn't so hard. Is that why he read the letter? He cared about who I was? Did he do something similar with the others?
The training was similar, but now I looked at Captain with new eyes. I ignored his facade of ignorance and there it all was - a man who cared about everything, who reprimanded you because he thought that the mistake he'd just seen would lead to another death, not to assert himself or put you down.
That afternoon I learned of Captain's odd vendetta against dirt. I ended up cleaning a floor five times over before finishing it. Auro was with me for the last time because he had nothing better to do. "You notice how caring Captain is?" I asked Auro.
"Caring? You blind, lady?" He didn't. I thought I best not pursue this.
The third morning, things really changed. I made tea and decided on making this a routine. I had to ask him why he hid his caring. I did; it was my way of caring for him.
"Caring?"
"You do care about everybody, right?" My nervousness was catching up to my caring and curiosity. He glared. "Because you don't want to see them die?" This was a wild theory. His face went from an angry glare to neutral thought and back many times. Was I really the first to notice? He seemed to have decided to be angry. But then changed his mind, a bit. "Death is always a bad thing, private Ral, avoidance of such does not mean true caring."
"Sorry, Captain, that was out of place." Thankfully, he dismissed it. But, I was right - he took too long in responding for me to be wrong.
I must note a feeling creeping over me. I saw on the second day, that Captain's face isn't something bad to stare at. He looks nice. Then I realized he cares. He is nice. I definitely had a crush on him. Maybe it was more - it didn't feel as shallow as the other crushes. Like I would know. Of course, on top of this, he had to be my Captain, making doing anything about this one harder.
The fourth morning, Captain came down as usual, and I greeted him. He started slightly. "Morning Petra." He replied. The morning was normal, except that Captain looked a little conflicted. I'd gaze at him and more the once, my gaze was met. He seemed to be deciding whether or not to speak. What was up with him? "Something wrong, Captain?" The fact that I spoke seemed to worsen his state. He exhaled loudly. I was nervous. Did I do anything wrong? He calmed down. "Nothing." Maybe he did care and wanted to tell me, maybe he liked me.
Yeah, he definitely liked me, could I really be that stupid? For all I know, he was picturing my death. His lack of calm was scary. It's odd - I've never feared for any of my other crushes. Then again, they've never been this strange.
