Chapter One

Bowser snored in the library at the top of the castle. It was unusual to have a library there, but he preferred Peach to be on the top floor so it took Mario longer to get to her. Yes, he knew Mario would break in and 'save the day', but only because Bowser allowed it. After his third time kidnapping the princess, he realized Peach was much more laid back when she was confident in her 'hero'. She would even allow Bowser to nap in the same room while she busied herself with boring things like reading books and baking.

It's true that Bowser would end up watching her leave, but he could always easily get her back again. The mushroom guards of the castle don't exactly do much more than worry. They still hadn't made any changes to enhance the defense of their princess. Bowser had even heard that her father had stopped fretting over her safety after the 5th kidnapping. And this was the 30th time Bowser had taken her!

Speaking of which…

"Alright, Princess!" Bowser got up from his chair with a yawn and started walking to the kitchen for a pre-battle snack. According to his watch, Mario would make it to the castle in fifteen minutes or so. "I'll be sure to send a Koopa with your luggage once Mario picks you up."

Peach looked up and shook her head. "Bowser, I can carry my own luggage. I know Mario would help me too. Even better, Kamek or Kammy can transport them straight to the Mushroom Kingdom. Isn't that what you usually do?"

"Yes…" he mused, trying to hide a mischievous smile. "But a certain Koopa just loves your STYLE so much that I thought I might do him a favor and let him carry it."

Peach gave a small exasperated sigh, "You can't make him carry ALL of my things just because of his comment at dinner. I wouldn't have remembered he had said anything if you hadn't kept bringing it up."

A small grin began to grow on Bowser's face as he thought back to last evening's dinner when that wimpy little servant Koopa walked in with a tray of Peach's favorite pudding.

Bowser scoffed, "I can do whatever I want because I am king! As king, it is my duty to remember the offenses of others and justly punish the offenders… Besides, that measly little tramp was obviously far too entranced by your beauty." Bowser snorted and proceeded to imitate the young Koopa in an exaggerated high-pitched voice, "Oh, Peeeeeaaaach! Dare I say, that STYLE of dress looks soooooooo good on you. Gwa ha ha!"

"Are you saying I didn't look good in that dress? I heard you picked it out yourself, your Classiness," Peach goaded, folding her arms with a smug look on her face.

"You looked good in that dress because I chose it! I know you better than anyone so of course I would know what you look best in," he stated, his voice dripping with pride.

Peach sputtered, "That's not true! You don't know me better than… Toadsworth. He is with me every day from morning to night doing what I ask and acting as my supervisor."

"Does Mr. Poopdot know that you hide money in your bra when you're traveling so you can secretly buy sweets when he isn't looking?" Bowser asked bluntly.

"I… I'm sure he has figured it out by now. And his name is Toadsworth," Peach corrected him, embarrassment lightly showing on her cheeks.

Bowser scoffed but continued, "How about the fact that you put Pomegranate and Lime dish soap in your rubber ducky because the smell reminds you of your childhood?"

"Only Daisy knows that," thought Peach, eyes wide. "How do you know…?"

"Oh please. My heightened sense of smell and attention to detail made that easy to figure out," he answered, his tone slightly cautious. The princess glared at him until he began to shuffle his feet guiltily. "Okay… I might have stumbled on that conversation by accident…"

"Bowser! My personal phone calls are strictly off limits!" she cried in frustration.

"Yes! Yes! I know! And they are completely off limits! But… I wanted to kidnap you that weekend and you just happened to be using the castle landline instead of your.. personal.. phone..." Bowser trailed off as she tapped her foot expectantly. He knew he should have picked a different example. Sighing in defeat, he dragged his feet as he walked to her side.

Peach stood firmly in front of the Koopa King. She stuck out her adorable pinky and he touched his own to hers. "Pinky promise that you won't listen to or read any of my personal calls regardless of what phone or mode of communication I use," Peach stated. Bowser hesitated and looked at her with a pout. Peach stayed unmoved by his silent plea and only tapped her pinky on his impatiently.

"Fine. I promise to…"

*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!*

Bowser's solemn head snapped up as the castle alarm went off and, with a secret sigh of relief, took off running for the 'Final Boss' chamber.

"Bowser! You can't just run off in the middle of making a promise!" Peach yelled after him.

"Sorry, Peachy! I'll be sure to send you a letter of apology and have Mr. Henry STYLES bring it straight to your castle with the rest of your belongings! GWA HA HA H…" Bowser shut the Final Boss door and he was gone leaving the princess with very unladylike thoughts.

Peach balled her hands into fists and tensed her shoulders as she held her breath and counted to 10. "My hero will be here soon to take me back home so there is no reason to let someone like Bowser get to me." She relaxed her shoulders, let out her her breath, and sat down on her chair to wait patiently.

.

Bowser laughed as he waited in the Final Boss Room. The last time he let Mario leave his castle, Bowser had to hire a whole group of demolition Koopas because Mario messed with their sewer pipes. In other words, the entire castle was filled with sewage and they were forced to tear the whole building down and start from scratch.

"No matter what we did, every block - every board - continually smelled like shit. Stupid plumber… I would almost say he is becoming as evil as me. However, the keeper of Hell is crippled with fright when he sees me. Mario only makes him sneeze," Bowser laughed evilly. "Oh yes… I will get him back this time."

.

15 minutes later

When Mario finally opened the door to the library, Peach was shocked to see him drenched in brown sludge that smelled like… a highly un-princess-like word.

But if it were to be described by Bowser, 'shit'. He smelled like 'shit'. (Gwa ha!)

Mushroom Kingdom

Peach sat at the head of the table once again as the banquet ensued. Bowser had been thwarted, Mario was being praised to high heaven, and the beloved princess was brought back to her kingdom safe and sound. Celebrities, royalty, and many important people had all come to take part in the 'Welcome Home' party and the news reporters swarmed outside the castle to speak with each person that arrived.

The first few times Peach had been kidnapped, the celebration was filled with everyone from all over her kingdom. Now, the party for Peach's homecoming had begun to be more of a celebrity Super Bowl party. The only difference was everyone already knew who was going to win and the trophy, instead of sterling silver, was pink with blonde hair. Artists and designers had even filled the main hall and outer walls of the castle with 'winning team' decorations. Banners of pink and red were everywhere; paintings of courageous Mario, beautiful Peach, and evil Bowser's defeated figure took up all of the space on every wall; the Kingdom's anthem was played triumphantly and the mushroom flag was hoisted proudly as the guests all came dressed in their finest attire.

Yes, Peach would agree that her people went a little overboard with some things, but she was happy to be away from Bowser. She was happy to be home.

Dark Lands

Bowser's homecoming was more of a 'Welcome Back to Work' party. A team of Koopas was already creating schematics for the next set of castle traps that would be strong yet affordable. Another team was getting ready to make a trip to the Dark Land Lakes where they would catch more man-eating fish for the next Underwater Level. The whole castle was buzzing with preparations until Bowser stepped into the room and called for their attention.

"Drain the lava rooms, renovate all levels into offices, and take down every trap inside the castle!" Bowser ordered. He looked ready to burst with anger. "No more."