Chapter One
After Castiel's visit from Metatron, he went back to the task he had started out with: buying things for Dean that he thought the hunter would like. He had to go to five different stores before he finally found a pie to add to the other things he had already acquired for the hunter. But it was worth it of course, for Dean Winchester.
Wanting to see Dean before it got too late and the human needed to sleep, Castiel flew to the Men of Letters bunker. The angel appeared behind Dean, bags hanging from his arms and a pie in his hands. Dean – dressed in his bathrobe - was dancing around the dining room, swinging a sword loosely in his hands. Cas stayed silent, his eyes squinted as he watched Dean curiously for a moment.
"Hello Dean." He said deciding that he'd never understand the odd behavior simply from observing it.
Dean jumped, the sword slipping from his grasp and toppling to the ground with a loud crash. He looked from the sword, up to Cas, eyes wide. "God dammit Cas." He hissed, brushing a hand through his hair. "You manage to scare the shit out of me, every time."
"My apologizes, Dean." Castiel said automatically, but he really wasn't that sorry. He'd long since been amused by how easily Dean startled every time he appeared. Honestly, he could make more noise as a warning when he arrived if he had wanted to, he just never did. "What were you doing?" The angel asked still unsure of what exactly he had flown into, being Dean he could never really be quite sure. "I brought you pie." He offered after a moment holding the box with the pastry out toward the hunter.
Dean hesitated, scooping the sword back off the floor and hanging it back on its brackets on the wall. He didn't want to admit that he'd been attempting to 'live action role-play', something Charlie had tried continuously to get him interested in. It had been fun, he couldn't deny. In his mind, he had been fighting pirates. It was nice to be kicking pirate ass for once, instead of the usual demons and angels. He shook his head, brushing the matter away, realizing how fucking stupid it all was. Cas chose not to simply file the occurrence before him under 'odd behaviors of Dean Winchester' and let the matter drop.
Dean's face lit up though at the mention of pie. He held his hands out, taking the box out of Castiel's hands. "Pie! Cas, you are the best, man."
"I am very glad you like it." Castiel said with a small smile. He was just glad Dean wasn't giving him the cold shoulder anymore. He knew Dean had his reasons for being upset earlier, but he was glad it looked like they could finally move past that for the moment. "It's lemon meringue, I was assured it was the best pie in the store." Castiel said watching Dean closely. He knew nothing about pie, other than Dean liked it so he hoped it was a flavor the hunter liked.
Dean opened the box up, peaking inside briefly. He breathed in the sweet and familiar scent of lemon and sighed, satisfied. "You picked well." He smiled. He wasn't sure how to show Cas just how much he appreciated the offer. He was an angel for gods sake. He had better things to be doing with his time than buying Dean pie. But yet, he did. And it meant the world to Dean. "Thank you." He slid the pie onto a plate and began to cut it. "You want some?"
"You are very welcome." Castiel said sincerely, if there was anything he never minded doing, it was making Dean happy and seeing his smile had made all the extra trips worth it. He carefully studied the slice Dean had put on the plate. "I guess I can try it." He said, eager for the chance to spend more time with the hunter. "I brought other things I thought you might be able to use as well." He said setting the bags down on the counter for Dean to look through later. "You seemed like you were running low on supplies this morning." He offered as an explanation for his attempt at grocery shopping.
Dean raised an eyebrow, looking over at the shopping bags inquisitively. "You go grocery shopping now?" He teased, passing Cas a fork to eat with. "You have better things to be doing with your time, Cas." A part of Dean felt guilty. He felt as if he was drawing Castiel away from more important things. More than anything, he felt undeserving.
"I didn't have anything else of import to do at the time." Castiel said taking the offered fork from Dean. He studied the pie carefully again before he took a small bite and chewed carefully. "It is very good." He said after he'd swallowed. "I can see why you like it so much."
Dean scooped a forkful of pie into his mouth, moaning in satisfaction and giving Cas an approving nod. He couldn't help his curiosity; he turned back to the bags. "Besides, what kind of things did you get?"
Castiel smiled and took another slightly larger bite. "I bought things that I've seen you use often, beer, beef jerky, toilet paper and a magazine." The angel said gesturing toward the bags as he ate another bite of pie.
Dean shoveled another mouthful of pie into his mouth before walking over to the bags and peaking inside. "I appreciate it. Really, Cas." He looked up, throwing the angel a grin. He buried his hands into the depths of the shopping back, pulling out a six pack of beer and a selection of objects Castiel had listed. His fingers fell upon what could only be the magazine and he pulled it out, practically snorting when he saw that it was a porno. He flipped the magazine around to Cas, showing him the curvy and bare-chested Asian on the front cover. "Really?" He laughed.
"What?" Castiel asked not sure why Dean was so amused by the magazine. "It's the only kind I've ever seen you read. I thought you would enjoy it." He explained with a small smile as he set his fork down. He had never understood Dean's preference in reading materials, but it had always been consistent if nothing else. He smiled again thinking of how Dean had hid the computer screen from his view not that long ago. "Do you want me to take it back?" He asked teasingly, but Dean never seemed to get his jokes so he was positive the hunter would think he was being serious.
"No, no." Dean shook his head, thinking it stupid for Cas to waste time taking the magazine back. "It's okay. You know me well." It comforted Dean to think that someone paid so much attention to him. He truly had a guardian angel looking over him. He slapped the magazine down on the table in front of Castiel, returning to eating his pie. "Why don't you help yourself to this one? Consider it my treat."
The angel's eyes looked down to the offered magazine. He had to admit he was rather curious as to why these types of magazines held so much appeal for the hunter. He picked it up and hesitantly flipped it open to a random spot, seeing a very naked woman in a position that he doubted would be very comfortable - or practical - for anything at all. He closed the magazine and set it back down on the table. "I appreciate the offer Dean, but I don't think I would get much enjoyment out of this. It would be better if you kept it." He said pushing the magazine further away from himself and toward the green eyed man.
Dean nodded, taking the magazine and sliding it back into the grocery bag. He was surprised by how uncomfortable the photos had made Cas, and regretted suggesting he looked through them. He gulped, scanning Cas' blue eyes. "You're really not interested in sex, are you? I mean - I tried to get you in with that prostitute that one time….you just had no interest. Is that some angel thing or something?"
Castiel looked up meeting Dean's eyes at the question and then looking away again. "It's not an 'angel thing'. Lots of angels have fornicated. It's a personal choice." He said, wondering what would be the best way to explain his feelings. "Woman's bodies make me uncomfortable." Which was partially true, really the angel didn't think he'd be able to be intimate with anyone he didn't care for and he'd never really been very close to any woman since he'd taken a vessel. He had kissed Meg, but that was more just being curious after she had kissed him first.
Dean blinked, his gaze flicking away from Castiel's firm gaze briefly. He bit his lip, picking mindlessly at the crumbs on his plate with his fork. "So bodies make you uncomfortable?" Dean shrugged, it made sense. Bodies, to angels were - after all - just vessels, not much more. "But the female body in particular?"
Castiel nodded at Dean's words then realized that he was staring at his plate and couldn't see him. "Yes. The young women at the brothel made me very uncomfortable." He said thinking back on the experience. He still had never told Dean but he had quickly scanned her mind finding the first thing he could say that would make the woman never want to see him again. And thus being able to leave the establishment without going through with the act. "Some bodies don't, it depends on who they belong to I suppose." And if there was any form he was comfortable with it was Dean's. After all, he had remade him completely after he had raised the hunter from perdition.
Dean shuffled slightly where he stood, contemplating what Castiel had said. It made sense. A large part of Dean had always known Cas wasn't interested in sex, he'd felt guilty for trying to force him into it and planned to never do such a thing again. "So you're pretty much saying you're asexual?" He bit his lip. "No sexual attraction...but with the exemption for when you hold romantic relationships?" He thought about Meg. He found himself wondering how romantically attracted Cas had been to her. Had it been to the point he felt sexually attracted to her as well? The thought made him nervous in a weird way and he tried to brush it aside.
Castiel thought for a moment after he listened to Dean. It wasn't quite right but it seemed closer than any other label that could be used to describe his feeling. "I suppose so, yes." He said looking up at meeting Dean's bright green eyes. "I would have to care for the person very much to be sexual with them. I couldn't just have sex to simply have sex. There would have to be romantic feelings, yes." He knew plenty of other angels had, but he had always been a bit strange even among his own kind. He knew Dean was the exact opposite of that and he wondered briefly what it must be like – to be able to have, and to want to have, sex with almost anyone. He couldn't even imagine.
Dean cut himself another slice of pie and began to shovel it into his mouth. Castiel had a habit of making him feel nervously uncomfortable. But he'd never felt this nervous before. He looked up at Cas, trying to maintain eye contact as he asked, "And is there anyone that you hold such strong feelings for?" He didn't know what kind of answer he was searching for. Secretly, he was longing to hear a 'no' - so he could conclude once and for all that Cas and Meg hadn't been a serious thing
Castiel shifted, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. He didn't want to be dishonest with Dean, but he seriously doubted the hunter would like his true answer. He thought hard for a minute before simply saying "Yes." Dean hadn't asked who he had feelings for so surely it couldn't hurt admitting that there was someone. He really hoped that the hunter would let the subject drop after this, Dean was finally talking to him again and he really didn't want the man to start ignoring him once more. Or worse, send him away and say he never wanted to see him again.
The heavy word stung Dean as if he had been stabbed in the chest. A simple, "Oh" escaped his lips, and he searched Castiel's eyes for more answers. He found nothing. But he knew the only person Cas could have been referring to was Meg. He tried to maintain a poker face, but felt his hurt leaking through, preying Castiel wouldn't notice it.
It was quickly apparent that admitting even that much had upset Dean. He wondered briefly if there was any possible way the hunter could have known who exactly he had feelings for. He doubted it; no one was ever really that good at reading the angel anyway. Most of the time it was amusing, sometime mildly irritating, but now it was troublesome. "Dean I didn't mean to..." Castiel stopped unsure of what he was going to say next. "..to upset you." He finished. Cas was unsure if Dean knew about the feelings he had toward the hunter specifically, or just that they were there generally, but either way he hated that he had upset him.
Dean averted his gaze from Cas, shaking his head. He cursed internally. He wanted more than anything to walk out, to leave this awkward situation behind him. He felt weirdly exposed and vulnerable and he couldn't stand it. "No. It's...it's okay, Cas. I'm happy for you and Meg. Honestly, I am."
"Meg?" Castiel asked sounding shocked, his head tilted to the side in confusion as he looked at Dean. That was the last thing he had expected to hear. It was true he had become rather fond of the demon, especially after she had cared for him during his time of madness at the hospital, but not in that way. Not those kinds of feelings. Even when they had kissed he had never even harbored the idea. "No Dean I do not have romantic feelings for Meg." He said straightening his head once again and hoping that Dean would understand.
Dean hated Cas' little head tilt. He hated the way his neck craned and his goddamn puppy dog eyes squinted up at him. He hated it. What Dean hated even more was the answer Cas was now trying to give him. Was he lying to him? He doubted it. Cas didn't really have the human ability to lie. But then what was he playing at? If it wasn't Meg, then who on earth was it? Maybe that was just it - maybe it wasn't on earth. Maybe Castiel was tapping some fine angel ass up in heaven. Dean's thoughts had run away from him. He cleared his throat. "Cas I don't understand."
Castiel continued to stare at the hunter as he seemed to be deep in thought before he finally spoke again. "What isn't there to understand Dean?" Castiel asked, squinting at the green eyed man again as he tried to figure out why this was difficult for him to grasp. "I do not have romantic feelings for Meg. She's nice and I don't want to smite her like I would any other demon, and sometimes she says things that I only understand enough to make me mildly uncomfortable, but that's it. I would classify her as a friend, nothing more."
Dean thought about this for a while. What Cas was saying made sense but Dean just couldn't extinguish the fear that had suddenly ignited within him. "Well if not Meg, then who..." Dean realized he shouldn't be asking more. He shouldn't have been questioning Castiel at all. It was none of his business what the angel got up to.
That had been what Castiel had feared Dean would ask. His mind reeled with how best to handle this. He didn't want to lie to him, after touching the angel tablet and freeing his mind of Naomi's control the last thing he wanted to do was be dishonest again. He couldn't tell him the truth either. "It doesn't matter; they don't feel the same way." He finally said thinking it was the best option. He had told the truth without having to say who.
Dean examined Cas, the way his eyes drooped and the colour seemed to drain from them entirely. Dean had come to read Cas' features well enough to understand that Cas was upset now. He searched his face desperately for a sign of more information. There was nothing. Just hurt. "You know man, you can never really know if someone feels the same way until you let them know how you feel. Heck, I've had this conversation a million times with Sammy. Sometimes you've just got to grow some balls and say it."
Castiel frowned at Dean. He didn't see how having extra testicles would help anything. He decided not to ask as, more than likely, Dean would only laugh and not really explain anyway. "So you are saying that I should tell them? Regardless of how I think they might feel?" He asked, making sure he understood what Dean was trying to suggest. "What if they get mad, or never want to see me again?" Because that right there was the angel's biggest fear, that he would be sent away, and the person he cared for more than Heaven itself would never want to see him again.
Dean thought about this for a while. He was completely comfortable with giving relationship advice, it was something he used to do often when Sam in his teenage years. "Well then they're obviously not worth your time." He stated simply, as if everything to do with love was truly that simple. "Even if they don't feel the same way back, it shouldn't change anything, they should still love you." Dean was sounding like a character from a cheesey chick flick now. It was humiliating.
The angel thought long and hard on Dean's word. He couldn't see any reason why the hunter would be dishonest or give him bad advice. Maybe it really was just as simple as that. Even if Dean didn't feel the same way, with everything that had happened between them in the past surely it wouldn't be anywhere near the worst thing that had happened to their friendship. "Dean." He said making sure he had the man's full attention before he continued, "It's you Dean. It's always been you." He said, watching Dean's face carefully and hoping for the best.
The words hung heavy in the air between them. Dean felt his jaw clench, his heart skip a beat. It wasn't that he was surprised by Cas' response, more shocked that he had finally said it. It had finally been said. After years of hopeless waiting and wondering, it had finally just been said. "Cas..." Dean breathed, unsure how to continue, "I've...always been yours."
Castiel just stared at Dean for a moment letting the hunters words wash over him. It was better than he'd ever dared to hope. Not only was Dean not mad, but he felt the same way in return. He felt a small smile pull at the corner of his mouth that spread into a toothy grin. "You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that." The angel said feeling better than he had in, well, forever.
Cas' smile made Dean all but melt and he couldn't help but return to him a huge grin. "Honestly, I don't know how you could have expected anything else." He had loved Castiel from the moment he raised him Hell, reshaped his body in his angelic hands. He truly did belong to Cas, in every way possible. At first, the feelings Dean held for the angel had confused him, had scared him beyond belief. But he had come to recognize those fears as irrelevant. He was Cas', and it was as simple as that. But now, to hear that Castiel held feelings for him that may be even close to those he felt - it made a weight within Dean's chest all but disappear.
"You have not exactly made your feelings toward me clear." Castiel said still smiling. He'd never understood Dean completely, and he doubted he ever would. The angel had always known there was something special about their relationship with each other, hence the 'profound bond', but he'd never been able to pinpoint exactly what it was. "I didn't think you were attracted to men either, and my vessel is obviously male." He said thinking of the magazine laying just a few feet away on the table.
Dean just shook his head, trying to avert his gaze from the magazine that still laid - a barrier - between them. "Please, don't expect me to explain it Cas. 'Cause I just can't." He felt his stomach churn, his mind racing. "I'm not gay - I mean, I've never been attracted to men. It's just you, Cas. Only you." He looked the man in the eye, hoping he was making at least some sense because it all sounded jumbled in his mind. "I'm seared to you in ways I will never understand."
"I understand Dean." Castiel said meeting the hunter's gaze. There had only ever been Dean for him, so it made perfect sense to the angel. He took a step closer toward the green eyed man, smiling again, as he felt his heart rate pick up a little. "It's only ever been you for me as well." He said again still barely believing this was happening. "I've loved you since I first met you." He didn't say the 'in hell' part of that sentence, not wanting to bring up bad memories.
Dean was relieved to hear Cas say he understood, appreciating that he didn't press the matter further. Dean, his breath shaking, stepped forward, closing the gap between them. He stretched outward, bringing his palm gently down on Castiel's chest, resting it on the spot where his heart beat steadily beneath. He looked deep into Castiel's blue eyes. "You are my reason, Cas."
The angel looked down at Dean's hand on his chest and then back up into clear green eyes. He mimicked Dean's actions, putting his own hand right over the hunter's heart, and feeling it beat, and knowing he had been the one who had made it start again. "You have always been my reason Dean. For everything." Good or bad, he had done everything from rebelling against heaven to buying toilet paper for Dean.
Dean felt his heart stammer under the warm touch of Castiel's hand on his skin. He smiled dizzily, reaching his spare hand up to cup Castiel's jawline, rubbing his thumb gently across his cheek. He gazed steadily into his eyes - silence consuming the pair for a moment as they felt each other's heartbeats drum beneath their palms. His breath was hot and trembling when he spoke, "Cas.." He whispered. He wanted to say so much more - intended to say so much more - but when he opened his mouth, the words just wouldn't come out.
Never had he even imagined that Dean's touch could be so wonderful. The hunter's hand on his face was warm, and slightly calloused, and perfect. Dean had touched him before, but never like this, and even such a small gesture meant so much to him. "Dean.." Castiel breathed in return, not sure what to say, the other's name feeling like it was the only word worth speaking at that moment anyway. Cas moved his free hand to Dean's side, moving it down slightly to rest on the hunter's hip.
Dean chuckled to himself, it felt as if they were preparing for some form of dance and the thought amused him. He couldn't even imagine Cas dancing. Cas was unsure why Dean was laughing, but he didn't get the chance to ask before Dean pressed their foreheads together. Their noses brushed gently against each other. Dean closed his eyes, fingers still brushing softly across Cas' face. "I like the sound of my name on your tongue." He whispered.
"It is my favorite word." Castiel whispered back. Of all the words in all the languages the angel knew 'Dean' would always be the one he enjoyed saying most. He closed his eyes a moment after Dean's had shut. He slid his hand across Dean's chest, away from the hunter's heart and around to his back, pulling him gently closer.
The moment was surreal - everything outside of it seemed to cease to exist. It was just Cas and Dean. Their heavy breaths and steady heartbeats. Dean allowed himself to be drawn closer into the angel. He opened his eyes, gazing at Castiel's face - how peaceful he looked with his eyes closed. "Cas -" he whispered, not wanting to shatter the beautiful silence of the moment, "Can I try something?"
"Anything Dean." Castiel's said, his eyes remaining closed after Dean had spoken again. He didn't know what Dean wanted to try, but he trusted the man completely so he wasn't concerned. The hunter knew that he had the angel's heart now and Castiel was more than willing to give Dean anything he was able too.
Keeping his palm on Castiel's face, Dean slowly - carefully - tilted his head until his lips lingered over Castiel's cheek. He pressed a soft kiss to the skin there, his own eyes fluttering closed again, before his lips trailed downwards, meeting the corner of Castiel's mouth. His other hand remained still above Castiel's heart, which was beating a lot faster now. Briefly, Cas was conscious of Dean being able to feel how rapid his heart was beating within his chest. But his concerns of his heart beating were forgotten as he felt Dean's lips moving against his own.
Dean traced the contours of Castiel's lips with his own - just feeling, marveling, learning - before he bought his lips closer and began to kiss the angel, long and gentle. The angel kissed back, mimicking Dean's movements and practically melting against the hunter's lips. Their lips began to meld together - slow and gentle - a rhythmic movement. Dean admired the way his lips seemed to fit perfectly to Cas'. He had never understood as well as he did in that moment that he truly had been reshaped by the angel in every way. They were two stray puzzle pieces. He broke away, not allowing his kisses to get too needy. He brushed a strand of hair from Castiel's forehead and admired his peaceful expression. Castiel opened his eyes after a moment, looking into the green ones that were right in front of him. He wasn't sure what to say, or how to further express his feelings, so he just stood there. His arms still wrapped around the hunter, and a content smile on his face.
"Was that -" Dean bit his lip as the inevitable moment of self-questioning struck him. "Are you - was that alright? Sorry, I shouldn't -" what had he done? He'd practically thrown himself on the poor angel.
"Dean." Cas started sensing the hunter's growing concern. "It was wonderful. Thank you." He said softly, needing the other to know that not only was it 'alright' it was something he'd wanted for a long time. Cas had never even entertained the idea of it actually happening and now that it had, the last thing he want was for Dean to regret it.
"Okay." Dean nodded, trying his best to belief Cas' words. Because 'wonderful' was exactly how he would have described it, and he was relieved to learn it was a mutual feeling. "It doesn't make you uncomfortable?" He asked cautiously. His biggest fear was pushing the boundaries with Cas, especially right after their conversation about sexual relationships. The last thing he wanted was to scare the angel off.
"Not at all Dean." Castiel smiled again hoping to further reassure the hunter. Dean was his exception and he doubted anything he did with Dean would make him uncomfortable. "I always enjoy being with you." More than anyone else he had ever met during his eons of existence. This one human had turned everything he'd known upside down, and he couldn't have been gladder that it had happened.
Dean was taken aback by Castiel's overwhelming calmness. He smiled, "I never want to be anywhere else." he scanned Cas' eyes, as if making sure it was okay, before he leant back in and kissed his forehead, long and hard. Dean breathed in his scent - of feathers and clean sheets - as his fingers brushed over the back of his neck, tracing through his hair. He tried to feel every curve and muscle of his neck - wanting more than anything to learn and understand Castiel's body in the way Cas knew his.
Castiel smiled at Dean's words, feeling himself swell with happiness. "I never want to either." He agreed. Castiel couldn't deny, he was a bit surprised - and touched - by the gentle way Dean was treating him. He moved one of his own hands down the man's side, sighing softly as he felt content with the world for the moment.
Dean ran his hand over Castiel's right shoulder - feeling, learning, understanding. He felt the angel's hand on his side and smiled. The touch was warm and silky and felt so right. He sighed, his lips moving against Cas' forehead when he spoke. "I hope your dear father doesn't want you back in Heaven any time soon. Cause I might keep you out a bit after his curfew." He chuckled.
Castiel smiled at Dean's joke, they both knew at the moment Heaven had no hold over him. In this moment even if he was still following their orders they couldn't make him leave Dean's side. "I'll stay with you as long as you'd like." The angel replied moving the hand that was traveling up Dean's side to the back of his neck, letting his fingers brush across the short hair there.
Dean smiled, contently brushing his lips allow Cas' eyebrows and down to his closed eyelids, kissing them softly. He could feel the angel's fingers knotting in his hair and moaned slightly. He suddenly became aware that they were still standing in the middle of the kitchen. Dean didn't know when Sam would be coming home but he thought it wasn't worth the risk. "Shall…we take this elsewhere?"
"I think that might be a good idea." Castiel said, pulling back enough that he could look at Dean fully; he didn't move his hands away just yet. He let his fingers slide through Dean's hair as he pulled his hand away, remembering the small noise he had made just a moment ago. "Where do you want to go?" He asked putting hands lightly at his sides and waiting for directions.
"The bedroom is probably a good place to start." Dean chuckled, gazing down into Cas' blue eyes. He let his own hands drop, one of them coming down to grab Cas', and dragged him towards his room.
