post 4:15 - instinct
myka bering
6:07:13
If I have to be brutally honest, I miss her.
The moment we said goodbye was one of the most painful I had experienced so far.
You could say that we had said goodbye before, but what does it matter?
All those times she had returned to me, barely escaped death.
All the things we experienced together are written in my memories forever.
Memories that one day could possibly be forgotten.
Although I don't know if I would let it get that far.
Letting her become a forgotten memory.
I miss the way she had filled up the emptiness within me.
Letting me shine in a way that I had previously forgotten.
Or neglected perhaps.
Everything that was incomprehensible, became comprehensible.
Yet I was confused.
She confused me with her betrayal and her ignorance.
How could she trust me to save the world from her?
To save her from herself?
The things we experienced together were consecutive rollercoasters.
I adore her in a way that's deeper than I would like to admit.
Or maybe than she would like to admit.
Because of all these things, I do not doubt our mutual affection.
Although she does seem to.
I think she'd rather run away.
That it's fear.
Scared of forgotten memories and painful goodbye's.
She'd rather prevent suffering to be happy, after all she has suffered.
Maybe that's selfish.
But I disagree, I do not begrudge her for it.
Perhaps it's self-confidence? I was always jealous of that.
Not caring about anything and just doing your thing.
She always found her place better than me on this world.
I was fascinated by her confidence, her Victorian selfishness and the way words left her mouth.
She pronounced them in the most elegant way I had ever heard.
The way she'd tell stories from before as if you had experienced them yourself.
I adore her and our shared deep connection.
As if our hands were connected right from the first moment, wrapped around each other.
Fingers intertwined.
In my imagination, her soul would be connected with mine.
Soulmates from a different time.
Miraculous.
Our friendship had been one of the best.
Calm silences.
Everything I knew, she knew too.
Everything I am, she is too.
Everything I wanted to be, she is.
We complimented each other so perfectly in a way that is indescribable.
I knew that and so did she.
So did everyone around us.
One moment I was falling deeply in love.
Now I'm falling deeper into my loneliness that had once left me.
Forgetting her is something I can never do.
It will pain me forever in a way that I will never understand.
Perhaps one day.
Until then, I will enjoy our shared bound that I can feel even a thousand kilometers away.
I won't be angry.
Why would I be?
It would be selfish.
I now live by the words that she taught me.
Those will be the memories that won't be forgotten.
x
