Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.

She Hardly Recognizes Herself

Rachel Berry has a secret, one that she'll never tell anyone. Sometimes, when she's home alone, she'll pull out photo albums and stare at the pictures of her younger self. Other days, she'll watch home movies, of her smiling and laughing, playing games, swimming, climbing trees, just being a kid. She'll never admit it, but she misses who she once was.

She wasn't always this driven and single-minded. Music and the theater, that was her life now, but it wasn't at one point. She used to play soccer, even though she wasn't very good. There were days where her dads couldn't drag her out of the pool, even for dance classes. All that changed when she was seven years old.

She was seven when the teasing began, when her friends abandoned her. In second grade, she was labeled a freak and became an outcast almost overnight. The teasing escalated, and soon every time no adults were around, she underwent what she remembered to be torture. Children can be a lot crueler than most adults realize, she knew from experience.

Once she realized that no one liked her, she threw herself into what she had left: acting, singing, dancing, and schoolwork. The acting was her escape, when she could become someone else, live another life. Dancing came naturally to her, and she clung to it. It was something she couldn't screw up. She discovered her love of singing through performing in musicals, and it soon became her favorite way to express herself. Studying and doing homework became a way to keep herself from dwelling on her problems at school.

When Rachel entered third grade, she was completely different from who she was a year before. Before, she was outgoing and trusting. After, she was reserved and cautious. Before, her eyes shined and she was always smiling. Instead, her eyes were dull and a smile rarely graced her features.

She had made herself oblivious to these changes, rarely studying herself in the mirror, until she began to tap into her previously closed off self in order to enhance her singing. That's when she started to remember who she once was.

She knew how others saw her, and for years she convinced herself it wasn't true. She couldn't be an ice queen, could she?

Now, she knew it was true, but she knew something they didn't. Everything she is now is because of them. They made her into who she is, maybe not directly, but she changed to protect herself from them.

As she looks at the old pictures of herself, the old videos, there's only one thing that runs through her mind: that girl is dead. She was murdered by her peers. The girl that Rachel could've been today, would've been if circumstances were different, is gone. The only time even a part of the Old Rachel shines through is when she sings, and she craves those moments. That is the only time she recognizes herself anymore.