AN: I know, I write too much of this couple. I've never done an iTunes shuffle before, like, you hear a song and write a fic based on it, but I did a while ago. I wrote a couple of them. And I waited with posting them, because I'm really, really unsure if anyone will like this. It's written in first person, another first for me. It's Quinn's first person, by the way. If anyone reacts in a remotely positive manner, I'll post the others, but you can see this as...well... as an experiment. This first one, is based on a song by Snow Patrol. I've really tried to put a lot of the lyrics in it. Maybe that will read a little weird, but ahw, forgive me. Only link I can find to the song is one of a manga vid, but here it is:
.com/watch?v=-nzcsN3cR6A&feature=related
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, and I don't own the song Ask Me How I Am by Snow Patrol. I wrote this for fun/experimenting only.
Ask Me How I Am
I try to keep silent. It's not like I need even more humiliation, and letting someone catch me sobbing in the bathroom would definitely count as humiliating. Not that it would matter, it would be pretty impressive if I'd fall even further down the hierarchy, I don't know if people would even care. Well, yes. I would care. I've got little left, but I'm still clinging to my pride. Everyone can have as much as that, right? I know it may not sound as much, but it's really all I have left so I'm gonna treasure it as much as I can.
I know that I sound pretty pathetic, but give me a break, alright? Teen pregnancy is bad enough without all the other things that I'm going through. It's bad enough already with a place to call home and a solid support system. What have I got? Not a home. A place to stay. I mean, the jumping from couch to couch every 2 nights was very tiring so it was really great of Brit to offer me the guest room. But it's not home. It's at Brittany's. And for the support system... I'm pretty much on my own for that one as well. Brittany and Santana haven't walked away like I probably would have from them, but they're Cheerio's - Santana's even got that precious spot on top of the pyramid now - and they... well... at school, I don't really talk to them anymore. They're at the top of the food chain. I'm at the far bottom. So be it.
Puck isn't exactly what you could call a solid support system either. I know there's a good guy in there. A good man. Not a Lima loser. But he's not there yet. That part of him is buried beneath hormones, wiggling eyebrows and the need to try to get into the pants of anyone with breasts. Being the guy that he is, he usually succeeds in his conquests.
Glee Club? They're... okay. I guess. They opened up their couches and guest rooms for me before I settled at Brittany's. But they are better friends with each other than with me. Everyone has a mate within Glee Club. That, or they fit in so well that they don't need one. They put up with me, and I'm starting to think that Artie and Mercedes actually might like me a little more, but there's no one that's there for... for me. Not like Santana is there for Brit, or like Kurt's there for Mercedes. No. I joined because of Finn, and now that he and Man-Hands are all over each other - why they aren't officially boyfriend-girlfriend yet is beyond me - there's nobody left for me. Say that it's my own fault. Call me egoistic to want someone to stand up for me, just me, or arrogant that I ever dared to hope someone would. But I'm not okay. And I need someone there for me. And I haven't truly got anyone. So today, after having another class of watching Rachel and Finn drool over each other, absorbed in the practically pornographic show of bliss and longing and desire they put up for the rest of us each and every day, I couldn't take it anymore. I asked for a hall pass, and - one of the very few good things about being pregnant - I got one immediately. Mr. Lewis looked like he desperately wanted me to leave as soon as I could, like I was going to explode in his precious classroom. And I fled out. To cry - damn hormones - in this really small bathroom stall. Without really knowing what caused me to break down again. Outside of hormones. I didn't know what triggered the hormones to make me sob today, but I don't care. I've got enough reasons for crying.
I wish I wasn't this alone. I wish someone would just care about me too, already. Care about what I'm feeling. Care enough to want to know how I'm holding up. To want to know how I'm doing. Even though it's just various shades of bad.
I keep on sobbing, softly but audibly if anyone would pay attention. But there's no one here, so I'm all good. At least, until I hear the door open and close. I hear the clicking of a lock. I can't help for the last whimper to escape my lips, and hold my breath before I allow myself to switch to shallow breathing.
A soft voice calls out a name, question mark audibly behind it. It takes me a minute to realize that it's my name this stranger is calling. Which means that it's probably not a stranger. I ponder replying her, and when she calls out my name again, hesitantly, I recognize the voice of Rachel Berry. From under my stall, I see a pair of Mary Jane's carrying small feet, which ascertains me. It's Rachel Berry. I don't want to answer, but then I realize that I just dropped low enough that I'm hiding away from Rachel Berry. Even though her infinitely annoying attitude had improved slightly growing closer to the other Glee kids and her status on the social ladder had gone up when she and Finn started becoming inseparable, she's not above me. Well, on the social ladder she may have passed me, actually. But no way that I'm hiding from Rachel Berry. The roles haven't reversed that much. I haven't lost my tongue. I can still make her shudder with remarks that shatter her pride beyond repair.
So I come out of my stall.
"What, Treasure Trail?"
"I thought that I'd find you here."
"That's just great, Man-Hands. Came here for a good laugh?"
"No...I saw you leave and..."
"And?" I pressured, crossing my arms.
"I just wanted to check on you. Make sure that you're alright."
I know my eyes are a little wide. I honestly don't really know what to say, my mind blank. Rachel looks like she is just pushing the hesitance away from her mind and takes a determined stride forwards, taking my hand in both of hers in a surprisingly intimate gesture. In the back of my mind, I notice that this was the first time ever that she and I had any kind of friendly physical contact, and a muted voice inside me wonders what had taken so long. The voice that this usually silenced side of me has grows louder when Rachel speaks the words:
"Please. How are you?"
I don't know what she was pleading me for, but I feel the urge to give it to her, whatever it may be. I would give it to her. I've prayed for someone to come to my... well... not really rescue, but just to come to me, ever since Finn and I split. But Rachel Berry?!
"How do you think I am?" I spit out, but my voice is soft, instead of the bite that I try to give it.
"You look horrible. I mean, beautiful as always, but horrible. But I just want to know."
"I... I don't know." I suddenly realized it. People had stopped asking me, and I had stopped thinking of a real answer to the question. I didn't know myself.
"Has nobody asked you how you are?" She said in an urgent whisper. I just shook my head. She brings her head closer to mine, and for a second I think that she might be about to kiss me. This thought makes my heart beat faster, and it's with curiosity and... something... desire...ish. I add the -ish in my mind, because desire is just too much to take. But for the full 3 seconds that I think she's going to kiss me, I wonder why I'm not appalled by the thought, but attracted to the possibilities.
No possibilities, but it might as well have been a kiss because this feels just as... private, intimate.
"You look like you might not last the day." She whispers sadly in my ear, her voice growing... soft... caring. She leans back again and pauses for some time, just looking at me, like she's contemplating something.
"Do you wanna get out of here?"
"We still got 3 more periods. And since when do you skip?" I answered in a weak voice. It wasn't that, I had skipped before, but skipping with Rachel Berry just sounded... insane.
"I know very well how to prioritize my concerns, and right now my greatest concern, and so my greatest priority, is you, Quinn." It's the first time she said my name since the beginning of this unrealistic scene and it sounds somehow more beautiful when she says it. On a whim, I agree.
"Fine. Let's go."
She opens the door and looks around, before grabbing my hand and taking me outside.
She's full of laughter when we arrive at the parking lot.
"Why are you laughing, Berry?"
"Sorry, it's just the thrill of skipping. It's my first time."
Her first time skipping is over me? What's up with this girl?
"Why did you say please?" I blurt out.
"What?"
"You said please before asking me how I was doing. Why please?"
"I really wanted you to be honest. I thought maybe pleading to your softer side would help."
I realize she has no idea what to do now, and I lead her to my car. We get in, and I start driving away.
After a while, I pull up in the park, get out, and start walking while taking deep breaths. She follows, obviously a little confused by what I'm doing.
I'm not thinking. I'm going on auto-pilot, and that always brings me to my thinking-place. Here. The tree, my tree, waiting to be climbed. I turn around and smile before starting a climb I know so well. I'm not going all the way up, just a few feet in the air really, but I sit down and pat the place next to me invitingly.
She starts up, and my smile widens when it's obvious that she never climbs. It's pretty... cute? Never mind that thought.
I suddenly start freaking out a little. This is my private place. My alone-place. And now I've brought someone. Not anyone, but Rachel Berry. She could ruin it. If she ruins this afternoon, she ruins this place, my sanctuary. What was I thinking? Oh, right. I wasn't.
She sits down next to me, and her arm is touching mine across the whole length. I like the contact, so I don't break it. Maybe even I didn't realize exactly how lonely I've really felt lately. Then she opens her mouth again. Silence is not her strongest feat, even I know that about her.
"I wouldn't have made it very far." She pauses a second, before adding: "You are truly admirable. It's very brave, doing what you're doing."
"Or I'm making the biggest mistake of my life."
"Foolishness and bravery often go hand in hand, my friend." She says it like she's old and wise, and for a minute I actually believe she is. Then I start laughing. But the wisdom of the words isn't lost on me.
"I guess you're right."
"Why aren't you dating Finn officially yet?"
"That's quite a... a personal question, Quinn."
"I brought you to my tree," I say, realizing she doesn't know that this is my tree. Somehow, she seems to understand though.
"Okay, fine. I'm not dating Finn, because... my heart's not in it."
"You've been coming on to him for the last 4 months non-stop. Be reasonable."
"Think. When is the last time you saw me touching Finn? Not him touching me. Me touching him."
"I... I don't know."
"I can tell you, it's been a long time. I like him. But I've come to see the... flaws, that before I was too blind to see."
"You mean like the fact that he's got an IQ that matches Brittany's?"
"Yes. Things like that. And I'm just... trying to get to know him better, and see how much I really like him."
"That's a smart thing to do."
"I'm a smart girl."
Another silence. It doesn't feel awkward, I know it doesn't, but somehow to me it still has that awkward vibe. She doesn't feel that I'm scrambling for bravery, but I do. I suck in a deep breath, and try to breathe in a little bit of the bravery that radiates out of the girl next to me.
"I'm sorry." Not enough bravery to scream it out, I guess, but that doesn't matter. It's soft, but audible, judging by her head jerking my way.
"Why are you saying that?" She asks, her voice high with surprise. Was it really that surprising? I guess it must have been, and the guilt leaves a bitter aftertaste.
"I've not made amends for yesterday, my lip won't get me out of it... Waking up, dreading hearing tales of all my nightmares being true." I say it with a glassy look in my eyes, not really thinking about the words leaving my mouth. The silence makes me snap back, and her eyebrow is arched confusedly.
"I mean... I have never apologized to you before. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. I've been awful to you since day one, and so many wrongs are hard to even try to begin to right. How do you apologize for such a thing, you know?" I tried to smile.
"You just do," she says sternly.
"I know."
She looks at me like she just realized that I actually apologized to her.
"You just did!" She said.
I nod, and a wave of pride washes over me. So, maybe not everything's right. But it's a good start.
"And the last part?"
"Sorry, that wasn't part of the apology."
"Waking up, dreading hearing tales of all my nightmares being true." She said it with a tone of revere, and I blush a scarlet red.
"Well... yeah. I mean, it's just something that passed through my mind. You know. I wake up, every day, and every time I'm confronted with my worst nightmares, being alone, not having a home or a pair of loving parents. Everything and everyone keeps confronting me with the truth. That I'm living the nightmare. You will make your dreams come true - I'm sure of that - but I made my nightmares come true instead."
I feel an arm around me. Rachel pulls me close, in a warm hug. And it is just all things good. Comfort. Caring. Friendship. Positivity. Hope. Love. It's the kind of hug I haven't received in far too long, and I cling to her, desperately wanting to hold on to this moment, in which I'm not alone. When we're going back to school, this moment will dissolve into nothing more than a dreamlike memory, and we'll probably never mention it again. I need to make the most of it.
Rachel however does pull back after a way too short a while and my body instantly yearns to touch her again. I look at our hands, and touch mine to hers. It's not as good as her arm around me, but it's better than nothing. I look up at her, and see a scared look in her eyes, but it softens immediately after I stroke my thumb across her hand and look back at her with thankful eyes. Her eyes soften, like the problem just disappeared, and the longer I look at her, the more liquid her gaze seems to be. Instinctively, I feel that this is a fragile moment, this gaze. It's like a crossroad. Like, if I turn away, we part as enemies and she might just become me. Or if I release her hand too soon, or move it in any way that doesn't feel exactly right, we'll never speak again. It's insane, but that's what it feels like.
What is the way to go when her gaze intensifies, and she slowly but surely moves her hand to my cheek, before cupping my chin? I know that my breath hitches in my throat. But what will happen next? My mind denies the other possibilities. We part as friends. We part as enemies. We part as nothing. Those are the options. When she moves a little closer and I immediately scoot eagerly closer to her, I don't want to think about what's coming next. Thinking will make me back out. And I don't want to. She leans in closer, and I mirror her movement, tuning out my thoughts without a problem, gaze unwavering until I she closes my eyes, confirming what I already know is going to happen. Her hand moves to the back of my neck, pulling me in to close that last inch, and I touch my lips to hers.
It's kind of like the hug, only in the extreme. More comforting, caring, loving, everything. Even more friendship, although this may not be exactly what friends do.
But mostly, when I feel our lips molding together in a soft but longed-for kiss, my heart flutters with a sparkle of hope - a sparkle like the one Rachel gets in her eyes whenever she sings - that makes me believe, for the first time in a long time, that maybe there's a chance for this mess to be sorted out. Maybe, I'll be just fine.
When Rachel pulls back, I'm left breathless. I haven't blushed like this since my very first kiss, and my insides feel like mush. When is the last time I've been this soft? My heart is pounding and Rachel - being Rachel - can't help but open her mouth. First; no sound, for a welcome change. Then she finds her voice, and utters one word: "Wow." and it's that voice that brings me back to reality. I just kissed RuPaul. Man Hands. Treasure Trail. Rachel. Berry. I kissed Rachel. Sitting in my tree.
I go into panic-mode - can you blame me? - and I curse myself for bringing her here, because no matter what happens net: my sanctuary will never be the same again. I try to think of a course of action, but I don't even know what I want.
Then, Rachel says in her happiest tone the worst possible words: "You have feelings for me!"
The words sure hit home, but not in any way she probably wanted them to. If I would have feelings for Rachel, I would be in love with a girl. I can't be in love with a girl. I'm not in love with a girl. She thinks I'm in love with a girl. With her.
My thoughts are frantic, thinking about her, about her adorable smile and amazing ambitions. But my instincts kick back in, and with every positive thought of her that crosses my mind, my mouth utters the opposite.
"You're insane, RuPaul! I could never, ever feel something other for you than disgust. You're ugly, pushy, annoying and you should finally let it sink in that nobody will ever want you. In 20 years, the only thing people are going to think about when they hear the name Rachel Berry is you, dripping with a slushie's sweet disgrace and trying to hold back your tears. You're weak, and the world outside of Lima will eat you alive the minute you step in it on those horribly Mary Jane's of yours. You and your best-of-argyle sweaters collection and the way too short skirts you wear to attract the attention of hormone's too willing eyes, you won't make it. You're not good enough, so don't act like you are. You're just another Lima Loser, like everybody else, and gay at that!" I sneer. It's the longest speech I've ever given Rachel, and when I see Rachel's lip trembling...
I run. I almost fly out of the disgraced tree, the only place where I usually wasn't the Quinn Bee, and I run, as fast as I can, leaving Rachel behind.
2:17 AM. I've got no school tomorrow, it's Saturday, but that doesn't mean I want to be awake right now. I'd much rather sleep thatn stay up like this, wasting my time with thoughts of Rachel. I've been racking my brain, and come to the conclusion that there's no other option: I've gone insane. I'm probably either psychotic or just a maniac, because this wouldn't be happening if I would be in my right mind.
My phone goes off, and it takes me a minute to realize that it's a really strange time to get a call. Who in the world would be awake right now?
"It's Quinn,"
"Quinn!" I almost hang up immediately when I hear her voice.
"What is it, Berry?" I sneer.
"You're awake?"
"You're asking?" I counter, before asking: "Why are you calling me?"
"I... I was thinking about you... and I needed to talk to you... so..."
"So what, you decided to call me in the middle of the night?"
"So I took a breath, and grabbed the phone... Secretly hoping you're not home, so I'd leave a message I was out-"
"You are out?"
"...out of my mind with drink and drugs." She finishes.
I freeze. Rachel... Rachel crashed and burned.
"What the hell, Berry!?"
"Quinn, I really, really need your help right now. I need you to pick me up, okay? And please consider hearing me out later. But I'm too drunk to drive but not enough to think that I'm not so-"
"Where are you?"
Rachel gave the address, and I'm on my way. Not sure why, but I can't leave her hanging on like that, maybe she would crash or something.
I arrived and dragged her out of a brown cafe. She pops a breath mint in her mouth and without a word, we get in my car.
"I'm sorry for kissing with you, Quinn. I honestly didn't expect to freak you out that much."
"What are you doing, Rachel?" I say, a little angrily but mostly worried.
Her mouth looks and she looks like I just stabbed her or something.
"You said my name!!" I did? I did.
"Come on, it's no big deal, it's just your name."
"It's the first time you said it to me..." Okay, I don't like this. It has a lot of getting-awkward potential.
"You're changing the subject! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Getting drunk. Not all of us are obstructed by pregnancies."
"Since when do you get drunk?"
"Since a blonde ex-Cheerio broke my spirit after giving Finn something he can never live up to."
I flinch. I can't believe she actually said it like this. To me. The guilt stings.
"Oh come on, I've given you worse."
"No you haven't. Especially not after apologizing. Not after kissing back. You totally kissed me back, and we both know it, Quinn. Make a left here."
I turn the steering wheel and try to grasp her reasons for this escapade.
"So, what, you've got some lesbian crush on me now or something?"
"I don't know, but whatever it is, you felt it too. Take a turn here, that's my street."
"What are you gonna tell your dads?"
"I'm not telling them anything. They're at a congress for the weekend."
"You're home alone?"
"I'll be fine."
"You're a lot of things, but fine isn't on the list!" The need to protect her from herself runs through me. My mother instincts kicking in?
"What would you suggest?"
"I don't know, but I don't really think that I can leave you here by yourself."
"Well, you're not staying. I can really only ask so much of you, and I've already asked more than that."
"You don't have to ask. I'll stay."
Rachel shrugs, but avoids my eyes. I park, we get out and after some fumbling - dropping the keys, twice - she manages to open the door to the Berry household. After flicking on some lights, she looks at me before dashing up the stairs. I curse softly before darting after her, somehow she made it up alright. I walk in the room, barely taking it in, because I'm focused on a shivering silhouette with arms wrapped around her knees. I sit down next to her and start undressing her. When she's in her underwear, I put her in bed and tuck her in. She keeps on shivering, even after I give her an extra blanket, and I close my eyes and pray for forgiveness for what I'm about to do. I've known the whole time that it would come to this. If it wouldn't have been for her peace of mind... at least for mine, I finally admit to myself. I strip down until I'm in my underwear too, and crawl in next to her. She hardly notices the dip in the mattress, but she definitely notices me pulling her close, warming her, calming her by letting my skin touch hers at so many places at once. She turns around, facing me, and I can't fight the strength to resist her, even if I had the will.
She kisses me forcefully and clams a leg around me. I won't deny it; I'm tempted to do something that she's willing to do. But I pull back and gaze into glimmering eyes that suddenly seem plenty sober to me.
"Go to sleep, Rach."
"No, you're here. I can't waste my time."
"I'll be here tomorrow, I promise."
"What exactly do you promise?"
"I promise... time. And a new apology for saying the opposite of what I meant."
"We'll have time?"
"I'll make sure we do."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
The absence of Rachel's voice is filled with the sound of Rachel snuggling closer to me, and as I put my arm around her, I realize it. The loneliness is gone. Instead, I am going to fall asleep, holding a girl, the one who asked me how I was. I am no longer alone.
