An Outsider's Perspective

Chapter 1 - Introductions

A/N: Okay guys, bear with me! I haven't written much fic at all since... 1999 or so and I really wanted to do a L/L from the perspective a non-stars hollow typical person. Also, this character, not me at all, so don't get the wrong impression. She is sort of a mixture of my own biographical history and then my self-destructive geeky friends.
Also thanks soooo much to Janeway216 on LJ for doing my Beta-ing!! She's a doll :D

-ooo-

So let me start off right here and tell you that I am no lollipop-sucking blonde Stars Hollow cardigan-wearing super-freak. I am a spit in your face, tell you like it is, bitch from the Bronx. I mean, if you had seen me when I was in high school, doing all my work like a little wanna-be, trying my hardest to get into college, playing video games every second I got — yeah, maybe I could've been that cookie-cutter small-town homegirl. But not anymore.

I did everything right from age one minute to age eighteen. Went off to college, an overpriced chum bucket in a toilet of a city, grand ole RPI in Troy, NY — or the Troylett, as we liked to call it. There I discovered a very special crowd of people just like me: gamers, computer nerds, who liked to drink and smoke heavily. I mean, I probably would never have become somewhat of an alcoholic if it weren't for drinking games. If it's competitive and requires a modicum of intelligence, I am all in.

I did pretty good at RPI, if I do say so myself. Although college taught me my best friends were rum, Diet Coke, coffee and marijuana. My nerd friends wanted to see me in the morning just about as much as their hangovers felt like insane mind-blowing orgasms, so you can bet I hightailed it out of that shithole as soon as I had a diploma in my hands.

Now, New York City is where I found my feet landed. At this point, it's probably important to know that my parents pretty much disowned me. I think it had to do with going home for a summer, drinking, smoking pot and playing video games 24/7 — I was a unique individual! When your parents are trying to scream at you for being lazy and worthless, and you puke on their shoes, it's not the easiest thing to work around. And honestly, when I think back, I sorta laugh my ass off because that is pretty hilarious. My older sisters took off in a more acceptable fashion, in their goody-two shoes Honda Civics and VW Jettas, to better lands southern of our small frozen incestuous mountain town in Nowhere, Massachusetts.

Back to our topic at hand, New York City is where I went, the Bronx more like it. Honestly, I just liked the sound of it, saying, "I live in the Bronx." It's pretty damn bad-ass if you ask me. I got hired as a tech support guru in an office building where I could pretty much fix anything that shit the bed. I wasn't exactly . . . the most pleasant at what I did and I had very little patience for the idiots who couldn't even find the on button. I guess you could say I'm a little better at that now, but still, don't get on my bad side.

They kept me at said company for quite a while, like, six years. The pay was good, I had a place to live, a shithole that I made no effort to ever clean, and plenty of income to burn on booze, weed and any random drug I felt like experiencing. I spent most of my free time stoned playing WoW or Eve or fuck all, man. You have no idea how amazing that rolly sticky ball game is until you've done it on DXM. I tried to stay away from the really hard stuff. Mostly I did DXM a.k.a. Robitussin or shrooms. Occasionally there was some acid, some Adderall. Salvia and morning glory seeds did nothing for me and I made the mistake of trying heroin. Man, a bad trip is a bad trip, no matter how ya slice it.

I'm sorry, I know. This whole monologue of mine is going somewhere. Just bear with me for a little bit more.

My employer was getting pretty pissed at me. He knew I was on a slippery slope. I was coming into work hungover or stoned a lot more than I'd like to admit. I actually have a very strong work ethic, but there were a few nights when . . . well . . . sigh. I guess if I'm going to fucking get into the dirty details in this little drama here, I might as well get into the dirty details. I was dating my dealer. Yeah, first mistake right there, but I sort of fell into his arms when I heard he played WoW. Hah, yeah, never ever ever date a guy just because you found out he plays your MMORPG. Big huge fucking mistake, especially if said guy is a drug dealer.

This is the part I don't like, a dark spot in my life, a mistake I can never take back. I did the hard stuff with him, mostly for sexual reasons. To this day I say shrooms plus sex equals amazing. But I did the hard stuff with him, the hard hard stuff, and alcohol. Never mix your drugs with your alcohol, kids. Bad fucking idea. I woke up probably . . . four or five times one summer, naked in my bed, with my boyfriend or one of his friends or both. Blacking out is not something I have ever enjoyed and when I don't know who I fucked or where or when or what or why or . . . oh god was I raped? Can I say that? What the hell?! And it went on like that. That shit sort of pulled me down. I was so depressed and I had nowhere to go. Luckily, thank whatever God is out there, I never caught the HIV or any other STD.

My boss kinda came down on me one day when I was late. I was hungover, I had no idea what happened the night before and I had this phantom stench following me that I couldn't seem to shake. I must've looked like shit because the look on his face when he saw me . . . I'll never shake that face. The second he pointed his finger at me, took a breath and started to rant, I just broke down. I have never broken down like that before in my life . . . well, except when I went through this religious phase when I was like 12 and broke down at Jesus Camp . . . but let's disregard that fucked-up part of my mentality right now.

He must've felt bad, even douche-like, thinking his yelling upset me so.

Okay, this is getting drawn out. Basically, said boss has a brother owns a storefront in a small hick town in Connecticut called Stars Hollow. Brother, let's name him Sal, wants to open a computer store but is too lazy and fat to run it. He thinks I've got what it takes to weather the — and I quote — "lousy crazy good-for-nothing nose-bags in that town." Sounds like my ball game, I say. I grew up in a town like that, and he knew from experience that I very rarely take people's shit. And what the hell is a nose-bag? I guess I can let that one go . . .

So it's like a week later, I've got my bags packed and I hop the next bus to hicksville. I leave my apartment and my security deposit — fuck that cleaning nonsense. That place was a pigsty. I leave all my pipes for the ex and don't bother to leave the good-for-nothing a note. I figured, hey, going AWOL is the best plan: he'll never find me there.

So in walks this 28-year-old bad-ass chick to the town that wasn't ready for her. I figure the booze will be easy. Every corner of every block in America has a liquor store. The drugs might be hard at first, but usually every small-town school near New York has some rich kid hauling in the loot from the city. Hey, I even turned up my nose at the version at my old school when I was a dweeb like these kids in this new town.

Now, this storefront of mine, it's got pretty much everything set up, including good old Sal huffing and puffing behind the counter. I walk in, and you should have seen me: hair dyed so many colors, it's afraid to return to it's natural slick straight brown (I think that day it was black); paddy green eyes; black Dr. Martens combat boots; black leather skirt; black tank top; the thickest eyeliner you've ever seen; a thorny wrap-around tattoo on my left upper arm; and the black fingernails to boot. I usually don't do the black fingernails, just so ya know — I am way too lazy for that — but it adds a nice effect when I'm trying to make an impression.

Sal sort of shudders when he takes my appearance in, but there is this rude old fart next to him that's lecturing him on town code and crap. I sort of smiled, dropped my gigantic duffle on the floor for effect and said, "Hey boss, I'm your new em-ploy-ee. Where do ya want me?" He sort of nervously laughed at me, eyed the man standing next to me and told me to stash my loot upstairs because that's where I'd be staying.

Oh, yeah. Did I forget to mention? In addition to being the babysitter for this fine establishment, I get to live upstairs. Well, it's some pretty sweet digs, fully furnished and clean. Maybe I can keep it clean this time. Heh . . . maybe. Hey, at least Sal isn't sticking around. I get a serious vibe that the people in this town scared the crap out of him. At this point I have no damn idea why he wants this store here if he doesn't even live here.

Well, everything got set up from there. I don't need to go into the details. Pretty soon news of my morbid non-Stars-Hollowy-ness spreads through the town like wildfire. Kids roll by the store window on their BMX bikes, see the badass chick with the tattoos and the combat boots and make that awed "she ain't from round these parts" look and ride off. I actually smiled and waved as . . . small-town-like, as possible. I have always been one for the wrong first impression. This is just one part of my sick sense of humor that you will come to know and love.

The store, by the way, Sal's Wacky World of Computers and More! — yeah, that's the store's name, yeah — good old Sal! Not very many people were ballsy enough to come in at first. I sort of spun around on the stool by the counter, popped my laptop on the desk and played WoW nonstop. No smoking in the damn store, so I couldn't do that. I did get my shaman to level 70 sooner than expected, so that's a triumph, no? The WoW playing and the standing in front of the shop, smoking my p-funks and blowing it into punks' faces, it was starting to get a bit old after a few days.

But then I got my first Stars Hollow citizen to grace my presence as a customer. Oh, he was a character. He stood tall and skinny across the counter from me in the shop, oblivious to my appearance and he started to prattle on about a real Stars Hollow welcome. He said I looked like an upstanding young woman and he didn't understand why more people hadn't come by. He talked about the town meeting that evening and asked me if I could tell him about computers, saying something about "trying that out for a while." I actually got him to buy a pretty sick PC and got him into WoW somehow — I don't know how, store doesn't even sell it — although I did refuse to tell him which server I play on. The last thing you want in that game is another Donald. And I added to my mental list that the store needs to sell video games. Regarding this new guy's purchase, I didn't want to insult Apple by unleashing a real gem like him onto them. I expected my personal letter of thanks from Steve Jobs any day after that.

Anyway! This guy, I tried to give him the real heave-ho like I do when it comes to people I don't want to talk to. I tried to ignore him, tried to insult him, and he would not go away! Well, eventually he did go away. He said his name was Kirk and ran off. I think I liked that Kirk, just the mere fact that he looked past my crazy exterior and refused to give into my bad habits and people skills. In fact, I think I somehow made a good impression on him too. Weird. And randomly one week, like a year later, Kirk started to work some shifts in the store. I don't know how — I didn't hire him — but he said he was getting paid and he had a key, so I let him stick around.

Once Kirk broke my customer-cherry, more people started to come in. Turns out Stars Hollow residents didn't really have computers at that point. Go figure! And they were a real bunch of computer idiots, I mean. Man, did I make a killing off them. I knew they'd be back for more RAM, more hard disk space, asking me to delete the spyware from all the porn, etc, so I guess Sal would be happy too. And I think at that point I realized Sal's brilliant scheme: that anti-box-store town didn't have a computer shop.

Once the people started to come in, realized I was sort of a grumpy bitch who meant well most of the time, they started to take me into their weird little world. I gotta admit, I really wasn't ready for that, but these people have got some real hearts on their sleeves. The two broads I loved listening to the most were Patty and Babette. Man, could they gossip! If you ever walked into that dirty town diner or the bakery, and they were sitting down, you wanted a table near them.

This is how I learned about the Romeo & Juliet of Stars Hollow, the Bonnie and Clyde, the Buttercup and Westley, the Lois and Clark. This couple, although they tried to keep their shit secret, was always the talk of the town. Their ups, their downs, how they looked at each other, what they were supposedly thinking. It was the diner owner, some grumpy-ass old man named Luke Danes, and the inn owner, some leggy brunette with piercing blue eyes that no one ever saw around anymore, Lorelai Gilmore. And man was that shit good. I mean, if I had been into those stupid tabloids, I would have burned them once I heard the dirt on those two.

Apparently, when I came into the town, they had broken up like two or three months prior. No one knew why, but Luke was pissed at Lorelai, there was fighting in the street and then they stopped talking. Lorelai ran off to shack up with her old flame, her kid's father, and eloped with him! I mean, the way they talked about this other guy and how she married him like that, it's like the whole town got dumped with Luke McGrumpersons. And I mean, this diner guy, he was ornery. The only person I saw that could make him smile was that nerdy kid of his that was hardly ever around. (I am also starting to think that the town could put up with me because they could put up with him.)

Moreover, for like eight years Lorelai would go into his diner, strut her stuff in front of a love-struck Luke, tease him relentlessly and strut out. I don't know why Luke put up with that, I mean, he had a huge angry chip on his shoulder. He seems like the kind of guy that would grab a chatty bitch and fuck her right there on the diner counter. Well . . . I'm not gonna lie, that thought did occur to me then and well, I am not gonna say it didn't turn me on. Sorry for the pleonasm. Damn English teachers in high school, still ringing in my head.

Bah. Sorry I keep digressing! I guess when Luke finally did kiss her to shut her up, she realized what crazy connection was there and kissed him back. Apparently sparks flew and lit up the entire town, or at least, the Stars Hollow citizens were happy to see Luke finally rope her in. The word "pining" was used a lot. Man, if this had happened in the city with the guys I hung with, Luke would have pulled out his piece and shot the other guy's brains out for sleeping with his girl. Well . . . not guns. He probably would have given him some crack as a peace offering and then it would turn out it was like laced with something bad instead.

I figured, at this point, this Luke was probably losing his mind in this gossiping town. I mean, most of what I heard he was in earshot of. Maybe this is why I didn't really ever see this Lorelai around.

And I guess this is really where my story starts. Act I, mean-spirited drug-and-booze-withdrawn bitch enters into diner after a hard day's work . . .