Time frame: Mid to late Season One. The members of SG-1 are still getting to know each other and working out the whole Team thing. There is one brief reference to 'Solitudes', but other than that this one-shot can stand alone.
Genre: Friendship/Humor/Silliness
"We're talking about a picnic, Carter."
"I know, Sir, but you told Teal'c he could bring anything he wanted. Can't I bring whatever I want?"
"Within reason, Captain." Jack stressed the words as he jumped down one of M8C-331's many rock covered slopes.
Sam followed suit, landing close behind him. "So I can't have a Radionuclide Identification Meter?"
"What about raisins instead? They start with 'R'."
"Due respect, Sir, but it just isn't the same."
"Aw, c'mon, Jack," Daniel said between puffs. "Let her have a Radionuclide Identification Meter. Who knows, it might come in handy."
"I don't even know what it is!" Adjusting the grip on his M16, Jack jogged a few steps and used the momentum to carry himself up the next mound of rocks. "And I'll have you know that I consider myself a picnic expert. And if there's one thing I have never done on a picnic, it's look around and wish I had a radio-clyde ID thingy."
"Perhaps if Captain Carter were to inform us of the device's function, we might better determine whether it's presence would be of use at our... picnic."
Jack smiled as Teal'c tried out his latest American word, but didn't offer an opinion. He didn't have to - Sam was already talking.
"A Radionuclide Identification Meter is a handheld device for detecting source search, dose rate measure, and identification of radioactive isotopes," Sam explained. "It uses high sensitivity gamma detectors and advanced spectroscopic al-"
"Ack! Carter." Balancing on the top of the latest boulder, Jack did a three sixty and scrutinized the area. They hadn't been kidding when they said this place was uninhabited. Shifting his attention to Sam, he put the meter issue to rest. "Sounds invaluable, Captain. Can't imagine how I ever got along without it. Bring it. Just... don't explain it. Okay?"
Below him on a lower tier of rocks, Sam grinned. "Yes, Sir."
"Alright, Daniel. You're next."
"Right. Um, okay, so I'm going to a picnic on Saturday and with me I will bring," Daniel recited the opening sequence and paused.
"If you can't remember, Danny you're out of the game."
"No, no I remember. It's ah..."
"I believe the first item begins with an 'A', Daniel Jackson."
As if an alphabet game would start anywhere else.
Jack laughed under his breath at Teal'c's hint. The big guy could deliver a line with all the animation of a statue - it carried 'dead-pan' to a whole new level.
"Thank you, Teal'c." After a frustrated groan Daniel was off, tongue firing in double time. "I'm going to a picnic on Saturday and with me I will bring: Apple pie, Blue jello, Coffee, and Dining utensils... English muffins, French bread, German chocolates-"
"I still say they'll melt," Jack interrupted.
"Hush," Daniel shot back, "now where was I?"
"You were approaching the letter 'H'," Teal'c said.
"Oh yes, 'H'... Hui'm'dal fruit from Chulak. Then there was Insect repellent and more Jello."
"Don't you ever get tired of that stuff, Carter?"
Sam half-skidded, half-slid down a loose dirt embankment. At the bottom, she did a quick jog step and came alongside her CO. "Never, Sir. So long as it's blue."
He glanced her way with a crooked grin. "I'll remember that, Captain."
"As I was saying..."
"Yes, Daniel, say on."
"'K' is for- ah!"
Sounds of a hard landing and shifting pebbles filled the air.
Jack spun on his heels in reaction to the noise and what he assumed had been a falling archaeologist. He'd noticed over the past few months that his rock-geek had a penchant for getting hurt. He hated that penchant. "Daniel?"
"He's okay, Sir."
Sam's assessment was quick, but accurate. He did look okay. Teal'c was already helping him to his feet and aside from crooked glasses and a fallen boonie, he seemed undamaged. "Oh, Danny." Jack gave the name a lyrical twist this time and set his hyper-protective instincts on simmer.
"Sorry, Jack. That last skid made me forget what letter I was on."
Jack assumed a severe tone. "Yes. And now the galaxy is going to end."
"What?"
"Nothing. You okay? Anything twisted, broken, missing and/or torn I should know about?"
Daniel looked down at himself, brushing away dirt and idly groping for his hat. "No, I think I'm good... except I still don't remember what letter I was on."
"It was the letter 'K', Daniel Jackson." As he spoke, Teal'c retrieved the elusive boonie and returned it to his friend's head.
Eyes darting upward at the reappearance of his hat, Daniel smiled. "Thanks, Teal'c."
Jack gave them a nod of approval. Teamwork. That's what he liked to see - no matter how small or insignificant the form. Adding his own helpful two cents, Jack reached for the boonie's string and cinched it a bit tighter under the wearer's chin. "Good?"
"Um hmm."
"Alright then. Onward." Jack strode off, resuming point. "The letter 'K' Dr. Jackson, if you please."
"'K' is Kumquat. 'L', Liquid refreshment. 'M', Meringue lemon pie - known to the rest of the world as lemon meringue pie."
"Hey, it's my pie, I can call it whatever I want," Jack argued. A murmur of amusement met his ears and he raised a dramatic finger. "Att! Lesson number one from the Antarctic wilderness, Carter: no giggling. Have you learned nothing?"
This was met with more giggles. "Sorry, Sir."
"...Nuts."
Jack, Sam, and Teal'c stopped in their tracks, varying degrees of doubt and confusion written on their faces.
"The letter 'N'," Daniel said, his eyes wide and innocent behind their glasses. "'N' is for Nuts."
"Ah." Jack bobbed an eyebrow and gave his head a tiny jerk. "Continue."
"'O' is for Olives, then there's Pickled cucumbers - pickles for short - Queen Elizabeth cake, and 'R' is a Radioactive isotope..."
"Do-hickey?"
Daniel made a face at Jack's description, but agreed. "Yeah, that."
A few paces behind, staff weapon in hand, Teal'c vaulted onto a flat-topped rock. "Well done, Daniel Jackson. Now it is your responsibility to think of a useful item for our picnic that begins with the letter 'S'."
"No prompting from the audience please," Jack called back.
Daniel grew thoughtful, his gaze roaming up, down, and around as if he expected picnic items to appear at any moment. He snapped his fingers. "I know - sandwiches."
"I'll buy that. Okay, T, you're up."
With a soft thump, Teal'c's boots hit the ground. "I am in fact down, O'Neill."
"That's an Earth expression, Teal'c." Sam slowed her steps and directed the explanation over her shoulder. "It means 'you're next'."
"Very well. In that case, I will be attending a picnic on Saturday, and with me I will bring..."
One klick and four and a half letters later...
"...For the letter 'S' I shall bring Sandwiches. For the letter 'T', Trays upon which to eat. For the letter 'U' an Upturned cake."
"That's upside down cake, Teal'c," Daniel corrected.
"It sounds most untidy, regardless of adjective choice, Daniel Jackson."
"But oh so tasty," Jack said, rising in defense of the dessert. "Don't knock it til you try it."
"I would not strike your cake, O'Neill - either before or after I have tasted it."
"Of course you wouldn't, what was I thinking?" Jack approached the treeline and wove his way into the moon's latest obstacle course. "On to the letter 'V'."
"Indeed. For the letter 'V' I shall bring a Vane anemometer for the purpose of measuring wind velocity. And for 'W', Water purification tablets."
"Nice job, Teal'c," Sam congratulated. "Now for the hard part - any idea what you're going to bring for the letter 'X'?"
"I have been studying a book Daniel Jackson purchased for me during our last Earth 'field trip' with great interest. I believe it may hold the answer."
Sam looked thoughtful. "You mean our trip to the Zoo?"
"That is correct. For the letter 'X' I shall bring an Xenarthra of the Pilosa order."
Jack froze. Holding up a fist he signaled for the rest of SG-1 to halt and did an about face. "You're bringing a what?"
Teal'c straightened his posture in a way that suggested he was quite pleased with himself and repeated the selection. "An Xenarthra."
"... We're gonna need a bigger basket."
Jack shot his archaeologist a desperate look. "A bigger basket? Daniel, what is he bringing to our picnic?"
"Well, it could be several things - there are two suborders of Xenarthras within the Pilosa order, with multiple families in each - but if I'm not mistaken... I think he's bringing us an anteater."
The Jaffa's lips pulled with the barest trace of a smile. "Indeed."
Jack glanced in Sam's direction and found her struggling not to giggle again. Just behind her, Daniel had his head down, shoulders shaking in silent laughter. As for Teal'c, the big guy looked close to cracking a smile himself. And darn if that wasn't something to see.
"Do you approve of my choice, O'Neill?"
Visions of an anteater devouring all the ants at their hypothetical picnic sprang to Jack's mind and he began to grin. "Oh yeah. Way to go, Teal'c!"
The latter bowed. "Thank you, O'Neill. Now I believe it is your turn."
"Right you are." Jack pulled a tight reverse and got their trek back underway as he recited, "I'm going to a picnic on Saturday and with me-"
"Um, Colonel?"
"Yes, Captain?"
"Question Sir, if I may, what happens if you and I make it through these last two rounds? I mean, no one will have been eliminated and we'll be out of letters. What happens then?"
"Simple. We cycle back to 'A' and keep adding more stuff."
"For how long?"
"Think of it as the alphabet picnic that never ends."
"Holy Hannah..."
"Wrong letter, Captain, we're on 'Y' now. Besides it's my turn. Where was I?"
"At the beginning," Teal'c prompted.
"The first one starts with an 'A'," threw in Daniel.
"Ah yes, the beginning. The letter 'A'. For our picnic I'm gonna' bring an Apple pie for me, Blue jello for Carter, Coffee for the good Doctor..."
Jack's voice faded as he walked deeper into the forest, his Team following along behind.
THE END
Author's Note: Over the past few months, I've been working on a multi-chapter SG-1 drama/adventure story (which is no where near finished by the way, but back to my point...) I had an irresistible urge the other night to write something that was just light and silly. This is what came out. Don't ask me where it came from because honestly I have no idea! I know it's not much, but I hope some of y'all have enjoyed it!
Take care and thanks for reading!
~ Yeahsureyoubetcha
P.S. In case anyone was wondering the other creatures contained within the Xenarthra group are sloths and armadillos. Interesting creatures, but of absolutely no use on a picnic! :)
