Mello and I have a lot in common. I decided to write his "diary". Mello and Matt should be around 13. The year is 2002. Feedback is loved, but please don't flame.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or these characters (though I do wish Mello was mine).
February 8th
Sometimes I look out the window and think about running away. I don't know where to because I haven't really been anywhere but here. Still, I want to get away, because anywhere is better than this prison. I could steal some money from Matt ( he always has some cash stashed away) and just start running. No one would really miss me. I'm just a stubborn, violent kid.
Oh, I forgot to mention I'm second best. I'm the first to lose at everything. For example, I'll be the first to know I've lost the contest to become L's replacement. Who needs me? Not Matt; he has his video games. Not Near; I'm just his competition. Certianly not Roger; I'm just a disturbance. What would they do if I disappeared? Would they look for me? Would Matt care? I wish he could care, the way I care about him. I wish he would start crying, screaming out my name a thousand times over in a desperate tone. I wish he needed me.
There is something sadistic about Matt being my best friend. He knows how much I care about him. If he doesn't, he should. I would never spend all my time with someone I could live without. Maybe from the outside it looks like I'm in charge, calling the shots and kicking Matt's sorry ass around. The people who see it that way are wrong. He has always determined how a day plays out. Anything he wants I'll give him. Well, I give him a hell of a tantrum first, but if it's for Matt I'll always give in eventually.
It's unbearable to have what I truly want flaunted in front of me just out of reach. I want to taste him, his chestnut red hair, and his calloused hands. I know he must taste better than chocolate; he certainly looks better. God, I love him more than anything. Love. Ha. I didn't even know what that word meant when I got here. The only person I had "loved" left me all alone. This is precisely why when Matt claims, "You won't care about me next month" I know he's wrong. Love isn't a word I throw around lightly or take for granted. Love is the most powerful world in the whole fucking English language.
I can't deal with this, with these feelings. I don't understand them. They aren't just sexual either. Okay, maybe can feel myself harden whenever Matt and I wrestle or accidently bump into each other, but there is so much more behind it. I want to do things for him and make him feel safe. It's so fucking stupid, isn't it? But, no one ever made me feel safe, and Matt really only has me to talk to and depend on.
Anyway, this is why I need to get away. I can never escape this, not really, but maybe I can outrun it, escape it just for a few seconds. Maybe, if I weren't locked in this prison… I don't know.
Is it worth it?
They'd catch me eventually.
And I'd be back…
Where I started. Trapped.
