This is obviously a piece of nonsense. By posting this I am inviting ridicule, I realise that, but it can't be worse than writing about knitting.
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Charlie's roast pork
1) invite Blake to tenderise the joint with various unhygienic tools (this is optional)
2) wear Jean's apron
3) put pork in the oven at gas mark 7 for 20 mins per lb, and 20 mins over
4) graciously accept praise for being a man who can cook (anything at all)
Mattie's birthday cake
1) bake an uneven Victoria sponge cake
2) make a large quantity of buttercream icing
3) smear icing randomly all over the cake
4) add happy birthday decoration and as many candles as you can afford
5) serve with love, preferably at dawn
Jean's orphanage soup
1) buy a joint of lamb and lots of vegetables
2) tell Lucien off for shooting lumps out of the meat
3) throw away lamb
4) chop all the veg
5) make sarcastic remarks to Lucien
6) make soup
7) transport in a vast pan
8) expect no gratitude from the nuns
9) help with the washing up
Lucien's scones
1) watch Mrs Toohey make scones
2) do exactly what she tells you to do
3) put them in a basket
4) visit Jean, pretend to drink tea from empty cups
5) TELL HER YOU LOVE HER
6) sorry, you're not going to do that. Silly me
7) talk about your mother's death
8) fail to eat aforementioned scones
Tuck shop lamingtons
1) make sponge cake
2) coat with chocolate
3) cover with desiccated coconut
4) add quantities of warfarin
5) serve to abusive headteacher
6) any leftovers can be used to conduct experiments on innocent and unsuspecting members of the community
Alice's roast dinner
1) roast meat in a very hot oven until ruined
2) endure critical remarks from your date
3) ask Jean's advice
4) resolve to employ a cook
5) talk about post mortems, gambling, ANYTHING, at dinner
Jean's picnic basket
1) make beef sandwiches
2) use chutney that looks like congealed blood or tree sap
3) serve graciously to the love of your life, and his wife
