Disclaimer: I do not own lord of the Rings, the Hobbit, or Santa Claus
Please do not send me hate things over this. I hate Christmas, I am Jewish and I have my reasons. This is just my sick sense of humor. If you believe in the jolly old fat man do not read. And I know there was no Christmas in middle earth.
"C'mon children. Time for bed." Arwen said trying to round up her three children, Aragorn smirking behind her.
"But mom…." The eldest, at age nine, wined.
"But nothing." Arwen responded.
"C'mon, just one bedtime story." begged the youngest child.
"No…" Arwen responded.
"Let me read them one story. After all it's Christmas eve." Aragorn nudged.
"Aw, alright. But you all need to be under the covers." Arwen told.
"Tell us the one about the ring."
"No tell us the one about how you met mommy."
"No tell us…."
"I have an idea." Aragorn interrupted. "Ok, once upon a time…."
"Ok, ok, hold your reindeer Mrs. Claus. I know its thanksgiving already. I am looking for a cheep labor source to help me with all these gifts." Santa picked up his crystal ball, as they called it in the North Pole and called Saruman. "Hello buddy, how are you?"
"Eh could be better. I mean my army was defeated by raggedy old men and elves and my kingdom has been flooded by trees."
"Bummer. Just for that. I will humiliate trees world wide by having families cut them down and decorate them with tacky ornaments."
"Well, it won't bring me back my dignity but sounds cool"
"Oh, before I forget. I have been meaning to ask you. I am looking for an army of toy builders to help with the holiday season. Do you have any suggestions?"
"Um… let's see. Elves make beautiful work."
"Elves, I like the sound of that. Where do if find these elves?"
"Um, you might want to check Mirkwood."
"Ok. Buddy. Talk to you later."
A few days alter Santa packed up his sleigh with milk and cookies and set out for Middle Earth.
After flying around for hours… "I think we've been going around in circles." Prancer mumbled.
"Yeah Santa. Why don't you ask for directions?" Donner asked.
"Listen! When I want your help, I'll ask for it." Santa looked down and saw a giant neon sign reading 'Welcome to Mirkwood…where the ugly are killed and eaten.' "See, there it is." Santa said, steering the sleigh downward.
"Yea we only passed it three times!" Prancer mumbled.
After landing Santa unhooked the reindeer and began to walk into the wood. They came to a river. "Um, Santa, I don't think you should go in there." Vixen warned.
"Hey what did I tell you about helping me!" Santa screamed. He saw s rock in the middle of the river and figured that he can get across in two easy hops. Hop one… he had made it. Hop two… fell straight into the water. The deer stared blankly.
"Should we help him?" asked Blitzen.
"Nah," The others said in unison. Suddenly the lifeless Santa was scooped up by a giant spider who tangled him in a cocoon and took him to her giant web, yards away. "I mean, he told us not to after all."
"Now?" Blitzen asked.
"Nope. I mean he told us not to." The spider was about to eat Santa when suddenly Rudolf flew over the river to save him.
Upon returning Santa safely to the sleigh. "Why did you have to go and do that for? Now we are going do laugh and call you names and never lets you join in any of our reindeer games." Comet mocked.
As soon and Saint Nick regained consciousness he picked up his mobile crystal ball to call Saruman. "Mirkwood is a no. Any other suggestions.?"
"Try Lothlorian."
A/N: I really hope that this won't get me kicked of again. Oh well. R&R. There's more to the story so stay tuned.
