A/N: Based on Feltknickers headcanon around and the s4 finale "You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone" that goes a little something like this: Jane decides to marry Casey, and Maura gets fed up with Jane doing stupid shit, so she goes off to Ethiopia before the wedding. Season 5 picks up with them separated, Jane getting ready to marry, Maura working with Ian in Ethiopia. Jane is miserable without her best friend. Maura is miserable without hers. She's feeling homesick and on a particularly difficult day Jane appears in the sparse 'hospital', filthy from two days of travel, carrying nothing but a backpack with a change of clothes and a toothbrush she bought at the airport
My little interpretation of this. Probably a two/three shot. Thanks to Felt for trusting me to take this little headcanon for a ride.
Jane licked her lips and pushed further into the mattress. She was letting herself become lost. She was letting herself sink and drown into her fantasy.
Her hand moved lower and her fingers wound through blonde hair. Her eyes screwed shut and her hips rolled forward.
Blonde and copper, wisps of caramel and honey tickled her thighs. It reminded her of summer fading into fall. It reminded of something sweet.
Jane's mind filled with image after image. They flooded her. She was immersed. She had never let herself become so completely surrounded by her desire. It was forbidden and made fire race under her skin. She was alive. She felt electric. Her heart drummed in her chest and a familiar sensation began to twist pleasantly in her stomach. Something that had only been obtainable in stolen moments alone.
But she was far from alone.
Jane could feel herself rising. She wanted to float away and take every hidden and stolen thought with her, lock it away and keep it only for herself.
Because it was all she had.
But her back was bowing and the feeling building inside her was threatening to erupt and spread itself out over her body, into every crack and crevice and a single name had perched itself in back of her throat, begging to be called out.
Jane's hand flew to her mouth in a desperate attempt to silence herself. The metal that had become a recent fixture there collided with her teeth and the sound of a single sob lingered in the room as the moment disappeared.
Soft, flowing curves returned to hard, rough lines. The hands at her thighs were calloused and held her possessively. The coarse hair that accompanied each kiss made her want to crawl out of skin.
It was gone - every thought of belonging and of being complete slipped away and Jane couldn't bring them back.
Not with this body above hers.
Not with his labored breath in her ear.
A sensation filled Jane. She opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. She wanted to be transparent. She wanted to disappear.
And she realized she had never felt more empty.
"Ma'am?"
Jane snaps her head up from the view she had of her shoes.
"Is that all?"
Jane blinks away the memory and looks up at the cashier in front of her.
"Huh?"
The woman behind the counter rolls her eyes and motions to Jane's hands with her head, "Just the toothbrush?"
"Wha.. oh, yeah." Jane slips her hand into her pocket and throws a five on the counter.
She doesn't wait for change or care about the mumbled 'bitch' that floats in the air behind her as makes her way across the terminal. She remembers why she hates airports. They are too loud, too fast and if one more person runs into her she is convinced she may get hauled off by the TSA.
Instead, she takes refuge in a small airport bar. Jane glances at her watch and then back up to her gate. She has twenty minutes before boarding. It is just enough time a beer.
She orders two and finishes them in ten minutes. She pays and the buzz hits her as she migrates her way across the terminal. She hands the agent her ticket and passport and doesn't acknowledge the sweet smile or wishes for safe travel she is given.
Once on the plane, Jane shrugs off her book bag and shoves it under her seat before sitting down. She pulls her phone from her pocket and types out and sends a quick text to her mother to let her know she has boarded and her finger lingers over the power button.
Jane worries her bottom lip and opens back up a new text and types out three simple words and sends it to a number that has given her no response for the past four days.
Sighing, Jane pushes back into her seat and turns off her phone as the the seat belt sign above her flashes on and there is movement in the cabin. Flight attendants go through exits and emergency protocol but it is just droning background noise to Jane. She looks out the window as the plane begins moving down the tarmac and briefly wonders what it would take to push open that emergency door at 36,000 feet, because she has no goddamn idea what she is doing.
The thought passes quickly as the plane gains speed and lifts off and Jane shuts her eyes as the pressure builds in her head.
And she knows sleep will be elusive just as much here as it had been back home.
She closed her eyes and braced herself against the counter in her kitchen. Her head fell forward and she exhaled a shaky breath just as Casey's arms circled her waist.
"Good morning, love."
Jane's brow furrowed and a flash of pain moved across her face.
Having him here was physically paining her. He was too close. His proximity used to give her butterflies, but now it makes her stomach turn and she wanted to run to the one place she couldn't go to.
Maura was gone.
And she just wanted him gone.
Jane turned in his arms and rolled her shoulders, side stepping out of his embrace. She wrapped her arm securely around her chest and gripped her bicep tightly.
She became fixated on the tiles on the floor. Little intricate patterns that she had never noticed before. Fractals that moved seamlessly throughout from one corner to the next.
It was all the same. It was repetitive. It was expected.
It made something in Jane's chest tighten. It made the muscles in her jaw clench and her teeth grind.
"What's wrong?" He sounded genuinely concerned.
Jane had to contain the urge to roll her eyes.
"This." Jane motioned between them barely with her index finger. Her voice was small.
Casey took a step forward and Jane stepped back.
"You don't want this?" Casey finally asked.
Jane closed her eyes and immediately saw Maura. The feeling in her chest grew tighter. Maura was walking away and crying. She was pouring her heart out and Jane had stood there like an idiot and instead of saying all the confessions that had burned at at the back of her throat, she just let her leave.
So no, she didn't. She didn't want Casey or his stupid ring that was too big. It twisted and turned around her finger. The diamond dug into her palm and it hurt.
Maura was beautiful and gone and everything hurt.
"No, Casey. I don't want this."
"Then why did you say yes?"
Jane opened her eyes then. She bit back and swallowed all the reasons why before they could leave her mouth.
'Because you left me no choice.'
'Because I didn't want you to go back and get blown into a million idiot pieces.'
And she knew Casey wasn't a bad guy, just an idiot because he thought she loved being taken care of. He thought she loved the flowers and the surprise drop-ins and the romance.
He was just an idiot for thinking she could love him back because that was exactly what she let him think.
"Jane?" He was trying to keep his temper in check and Jane was sure all those little pieces of Casey's broken heart would not look the same as the tiles on her kitchen floor. She didn't want to clean that up.
But here she was.
She wanted to say, 'Because I don't love you. Your ring doesn't fit and I'm not some invalid that can't clean out her own fridge. I can't handle your pity parties and be someone who I'm not. I don't want to change. I can't be me, be yours and be hers.'
Jane swallowed hard, because that was it. He couldn't have her heart because it had been somewhere else all along and now it was half away across the world.
"Because I thought I could give you something you wanted, but can't when I know I don't want the same thing." The words came out stronger than Jane expected them to, and with determination she found her footing and walked past Casey and opened her front door.
His eyes fell. His exit was unceremonious and he turned, floating in the doorway, stopping just short of the hall.
Jane turned her hand over and the ring easily slipped off her finger. She caught and pinched it between her finger and thumb.
"Here."
Casey shook his head, "Keep it."
Sighing, Jane reached out and took his hand and turned it over, placing the ring gently into his palm.
"I can't do that, and you know it."
Casey closed his hand. He gave a short nod before turning and making his way down the hall.
"Stay safe." Jane called out from her doorway.
He only raised his hand as a goodbye as he disappeared down the stairs.
Hydration comes in the form of $9 Bud Lights, occasionally she chews on ice chips. Mostly Jane is scribbling on the back of the napkins she gets with each of her over priced, watered down beers.
She tries to be clever. She tries to write every witty, loving and heartfelt thing she plans to say when she sees Maura, but it all comes out is crooked lines and it's damn near illegible. A small pile of discarded napkins grows in the empty seat beside her. She can feel the familiar sting as tears begin to well up. She presses her forehead against the window and all Jane can see below her is the distant blue of the ocean in the fading light.
She is outrunning the sun. Stars begin to peek through the dark canvas that arches and meets at the horizon. She can just make out the slight curve of the earth below her and readies herself for the uncertainty looming ahead.
She has big ideas up here. Great heights she wants to believe give her an advantage to everything that is so small below her.
But it could all fail and every unread, clever line she scribbled down won't mean a damn thing because Jane can't seem to string together the three words that she needs to say.
They twist up inside of her and get caught in the back of her throat and settles like cement.
The fear that surrounds her is that she may never have or know Maura again; the sound of her laugh or be graced with her touch.
'Or the feeling of her against your lips.'
She ran half way around the world to get away.
Sighing, Jane closes her eyes.
She can feel warmth trail down her cheek.
And she can taste salt.
