A/N Okay, the challenge was twofold: to write a oneshot with peanut butter in, and not to swear whilst doing so. I still managed to put Hidan in it!


"Hidan, do you want eggs?"

"Oh, up yours, lady." Konan blinked.

"Okay… raw, then."

Hidan said nothing, merely continued to sit at the table, face in his hands. He was wearing casual clothes for the first time in many years, and the Akatsuki were surprised to see that he did in fact own a shirt. It featured a hand making an obscene gesture, but at least his manly, manly chest was covered.

Konan put a raw egg in an egg-cup in front of him; she had drawn a smiley face on it. Hindan looked up half-heartedly before slumping again. The Akatsuki exchanged nervous glances, then Leader gestured Konan to him, whispered something and sent her away. She took Tobi, Deidara, Itachi and Sasori by the collars and dragged them out of the kitchen into the hall, then slid the door shut before rounding on them

"Okay, who did what?"

"What?"

"Hidan's been present for the whole of breakfast and I haven't heard a single profanity. It's so… weird. I assume it's one of you people."

"Why us?" Sasori asked, straightening his clothes.

"Because he wants you, Deidara, he hates you, Sasori, he's jealous of you, Itachi, and I like your perfume, Tobi. Nobody else except Leader could possibly bother him, so I blame you all. Leader says if I don't find out who's responsible he'll just pick a person at random to punish, and that means there's a one-in-twelve chance of it being me. So tell me what you did or I'll just pummel you all in advance."

They all looked blankly at each other, shaking their heads. "Um… well, he wasn't at dinner last night," Deidara said eventually.

"Actually he hasn't been himself since he got back from that last mission," Itachi said. "He's been very withdrawn, and he hasn't been eating much."

"Really? Why's that?"

"Oh, he seems quite depressed. Last night I'd say he was more worried and nervous, though."

"Is anyone else bugged by Itachi's becoming an emotionally sensitive woman?" Sasori asked. He was stared at for a moment, the Itachi absent-mindedly decked him.

"So it was probably something on the mission," he continued.

"What was the mission?"

"Standard assassination. Kakuzu's report said there was nothing unusual."

Deidara was incredulous. "You mean Leader actually reads those reports? I thought he just did it to torture us."

"Of course he reads them. He's not a complete bastard."

"Oh yes, he-" A plate came spinning through the door and smacked Deidara on the head. The blonde crumpled neatly down next to Sasori. Leader smirked through the hole in the door and returned to his morning comics.

"Itachi, what does-"

"Hang on." Itachi checked his watch. "Orochimaru'll be here in a minute. Hold on to that thought." He went off down the hall to put himself in plain view of a window. Konan shook her head. Orochimaru appeared in the garden every single morning at the same time and hurled a brick at the Uchiha. Itachi had at first simply avoided windows at this point, but Leader had become annoyed at Orochimaru's breaking into the hideout daily, and had ordered the Uchiha to make his choice; Itachi had chosen the daily bricking rather than Leader's Wrath.

Konan sighed and looked at Tobi. "So what are the facts?" she muttered, and then listed them. "He's been distracted and sad since his last - completely normal - mission, he's stopped swearing, and he's skipping meals and eating weird foods like peanut butter with jelly."

Tobi perked up suddenly. "Tobi has an idea."

"What is it?"

"Do you think…" Tobi leaned in close, and lowered his voice. "Maybe Hindan-senpai is pregnant?"