Mistake at the Rendezvous

By Pat Squared

Legal Disclaimer

This is a not-for-profit fan fiction based loosely on Naruto. I do not own the rights to Naruto, or any characters, save for any original characters created for this work. This disclaimer pertains to this chapter and all succeeding chapters in this tale.

Chapter One: "Are they having sex, yet?"

"Are they having sex, yet?"

Sakura Haruno rubbed her temples in frustration as the call came in. Her finger jumped to the button that transferred the call from speakerphone to her telephone handset. If anyone overheard a telephone call about sex coming to her phone…Kami, Buddha, and Jesus H. Christ the hags that work the volunteer section of the hospital would be all over it like the estrogen-deprived dried out prunes over some young horny stud with a kink for grannies that they all are.

"Forehead, you know that you have a sex scene in chapter eight, eleven, and fifteen?"

"Not even a hello, how are you doing today?"

"Please tell me that you at least got a first draft…don't tell me."

"I am getting on it."

"Getting on it. You haven't got on anything…Crap, Sakura, you got three weeks to deliver the final manuscript. Please tell me that you are finished and just letting it ages of you are going to get me hooked on cancer sticks like Shikamaru. Please tell me something good so I can have something to look forward to other than unemployment and my golden years as an emphysematic bum pushing a shopping cart."

Sakura sputtered, "At least you won't have some kid asking you if you want to buy the extended warranty. Look, Ino, I got a procedure in twenty minutes and got to babysit some rookies so they don't kill the patient. Can we talk about it later, say over some ice cream?"

"Sakura, you know what is at stake here. It is not just this book. Your three-book deal will go bye-bye. In addition, they will blacklist you and take back that advance. Kiss early retirement goodbye. Kiss your reputation goodbye.

"Hell, they will leak your name. You think you got gossip issues now with those old ladies at the hospital. The whole world will know that you are Suzuki Amaya. You will have more paparazzi on you than fan girls spying on the Uchia male baths. Wore yet - think about my reputation…fuck that…my commission. I just put a down payment on that wedding kimono. You know my parents can't afford a wedding with dad's medical bills piling up. I need to keep this job. If you don't come through…Sai and I will never get married and our love child will be a bastard. Everyone will point at me and tell their kids not to play with Ino-slut's kids. You wanted to be my maid of honor. Please do this for me…do it for your best pal since pre-K, please…pretty please with sugar on top."

Ino had not sounded this desperate since…"

"Ino, I'm tying. But…"

"Sakura, you finished the hard part. All you have to do is just write three eight-page love scenes and it's done. All you have to do is describe a little nooky. Even Naruto could do that!"

Sakura wanted to rip out her hair by the roots, go bald, and join a monastery.

"A LITTLE NOOKY. I spent months writing and rewriting it but everything I write is…The good stuff sounds like Ikea-sex – insert tab a into slot b. He thrust his manhood into her womanhood repeatedly. She grunted as he grunted in counterpart to his deep grunting. And don't even get me running on the flowerly stuff."

"Something is better than nothing Sakura," Ino replied.

"She took off her blouse. It's on the floor. Her breast heaved like placards for the well endowed. In spite of his need to stay hidden and let his eyes devour her form, a soft whistle of air escapes his lips. She was taking off her trousers now. They are a heap on the polished, wooden floor. Her panties were white, translucent, but yet, opaque. He could see the dark hairs of her womanhood sticking to them inside. There was a design and yet there was only the design that nature intended for the woman undressing unknowing before him. He had to have her, take her, consume her in frenzied love, lust, death, and rebirth. The virgin will have to die to give birth to the women she was meant to be. With every orgasm, she will know that he was her god."

Sukura resisted the urge to throw her phone through the wall.

"Ino, IT'S ALL CRAP. I cannot write a decent love scene. Why couldn't you keep in the sweet love romances? I wrote eighteen great books that made us a hell of a lot of money."

"Sakura, you did great, but those books…I have a hundred sweet romance manuscripts sitting on my desk. A dozen of them are good enough to get published. Now repeat that with just about every literary agency. The sweet romance market is oversaturated. I barely managed have your last three manuscripts optioned for the movie rights because of the Ayama Suzuki's name, but no one is going to accept any more manuscripts, even yours, until the industry works out the glut."

Sakura intellectually knew all this. Nevertheless, she wanted to run away from this hell.

"I can give back the money…Take a break until…"

"You cannot take a three-year break. Your fans are growing up, Sakura. Three years ago, they were the pimpled-face virgins getting out of the academy. In three years, they are going to be chunin or even jonin with a couple seduction missions under their belt and maybe a kid or two to herd to the academy. Do you think Anko and Tsunade reads The First Kiss or Summer Camp Love? Even Hinata is getting on the Icha Icha bandwagon and not only because Naruto is the new author. Without your book…Sakura, do you want women to depend on Naruto to vicariously experience true love?

"Naruto is a loyal pal, but knowing what we ladies really want…It took Hinata six years to make him understand that she wanted his babies. He is so…ughh, brain dead when it comes to women's needs and wants. Older women want to remember the romance and the great sex before they had their two and a half brats. It is our job to give it to them."

Sakura could easily imagine Ino standing proudly in her office like a general inspiring her minions. Only Ino could make writing soft-core porn seem like a civic duty.

"I could fax you what I have…"

"Sakura-darling…This is not going to cut it. When was the last time you had mind-numbing, toe-curling, wanna scream hallelujah sex with a man?"

"I…"

"Give me a number, Sakura. Tell me that your banging some stud. Even Lee."

"I couldn't Ino. I wanted to. He was nice, loving, but I couldn't…It wasn't HIM. I am still a…"

"Crap, Sakura. He did a number on you. You never."

"Ino, I'm a fake. I write about romances because I'm a failure. Do you know what it is like to hear the nurses gossiping about some hot, young stud they banged last night? You have Sai. All I have is a vibrator and I could not even summon the courage to break my cherry. You come from a ninja family. Sex, killing, drinking is all cool.

"I came from…If it was not for the fact that some bastard Kumo-nin raping my mother, she was a nun at least until she knew she was pregnant with me…You ever had the sex talk with your mom and a nun at the same time. It was clinical with hellfire and brimstone. My mum was a nun. All my aunties are nuns. I was taught to fall in love, get married, and then have sex for only for procreation. Think of your duty to Konohagakure when he mounts you – Do it for the sake of the kids.

"Why do you think I am about to get you married in any chapel in three countries without having to be on the waiting list? My uncles are priests. Hell, until I met you, they thought that I would grow up to be a nun. As a kid, I believed that I was going to go to hell because of those thoughts. Do you now know why I can't do this? Please Ino, have someone else write the sections."

It was out. The secrets she held inside of her were all out in the open – shared with the gossip queen. It was all a mistake. She should have never been born, never gone to the academy, never be a ninja, never write books. Tonight, she would go home, adopt a kitten, pick up a couple pints of ice cream, and work on expanding her waistline.

Sakura sniffled, "Ino, I got to go. I'm late, gotta go…"

"Wait…let's talk, face to face. I will meet you at work and we will get it all taken care of. I promise."

Sakura had a bad feeling, but Ino was her best friend, turned rival, and then back to best friend.