What have I done? :(

He is everything to me, he is all I've ever wanted for so long, but I hurt him…I hurt him real bad. He thinks that I'm capable of hurting someone that way, of touching them without their consent. What kind of monster does he think I am? I could never do that and why would I want to touch anyone when I have him by my side…my reason for breathing. He doesn't believe me when I tell him I didn't do it and I tell him over and over but it doesn't change his opinion of me and I hate it that he thinks I'd do that.

"And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."

His words cut me to the core and I feel the rage, the rage that had been bubbling up inside me all day and I did the only thing I knew how to do, the only thing I can control. I hit him hard, harder than I have ever hit him before and in that one fleeting moment I have reverted back to my old self…the Brendan that even I hate. I'm nothing like Seamus; I could never take the innocence of an eight year old boy. That man destroyed me in every way possible, I could never do that and it hurts me deeply that Steven doesn't see me the way he should.

"And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."

After the first punch he falls to the floor, desperately trying to cover his face, he knows only too well what is coming to him. I don't stop, I repeatedly hit him. Maybe I'm trying to protect the little Brendan inside of me, whatever the reason, why would do this to the man I love? The rage subsides and I can hear him crying, it's then that I realise what I have put him through, again, but the damage is done now and I start to panic as the fear of him leaving me becomes a reality now.

"And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."

At that moment I go to him, but he is terrified, covered in blood and I want to die now. He tells me to not come near him, but I can't stay away. I need to explain, make him understand that it was just a mistake…a stupid mistake and that it will never happen again. But his beautiful face is battered and he walks away…of course he walks away. I promised I'd give him a future he deserves…is this really what he deserves? But his words keep going around in my frazzled brain.

"And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."

Maybe he's right, maybe I am like my Da and if that's the case then I'm nothing, I'm a disgusting waste of air that should be six feet under. He is never going to forgive me now; I have just lost the best thing to ever happen to me. Why do I do this to him? I want to pull him close and keep him safe; I'd kill anyone that laid a finger on him, but I batter him like it's my right and it's not. I should never hurt him…ever, but I do. It's like there's a switch inside me, that goes on and off when Seamus is mentioned and to be likened to him was obviously going to have disastrous consequences.

"And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."

I wish I had never come back; I just cause pain to everyone I love, maybe it's just time to let go. I am beyond help; no one can save me now, if Steven couldn't save me then there is no hope for me. I am getting swallowed back in to a life that I thought I'd left behind, I suppose karma is getting it's own back on me. After spending most of my life in the dark, it was nice spending these last few months in the light and I will take my memories of him to my grave…I will never forget.

"And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."

It's all I hear now, those words over and over in my head, it's the beginning of the end for me…for us and I already know there is no coming back from this. I need him; I don't want him to walk away, but what choice have I've given him. It breaks my heart to see what I have put him through again, I really thought I'd changed… that I was different, but in fact I'm worse than before because we're a proper couple now. I can't fix this or wave a magic wand but I wish I could…losing him will destroy me.

"And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."

But I lost him the minute Kevin told his lies, he doubted me from the start and I guess I can't really blame him…not by looking at his face now. I want to tell him how sorry I am and I am sorry…more sorry than I've ever been, but I know he won't listen, I don't deserve him to anyway. I don't deserve him at all, I'm poison and Amy was right to take the kids…call it a mothers intuition. If I could take it back, I would, in a heartbeat. But there is nothing I can do to make this better and from now on I'm on my own.

"And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."

What have I done?

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