JACK MAGIC
Jack Magic arrived once again at platform pussy, as he had named it. He stood ready before the inconspicuous magic brick arch, dressed in his freshly pressed Yellow-Trim robes. With a comb of his hand through his jet black, emo-styled hair, he gave a wicked grin and laughed.
"Prepare to be entered," he declared, his voice gruff and sultry.
Jack strutted effortlessly through the enchanted arch, where other, lesser wizards would have to run. He looked at everything in life as he looked at handling a witch; it was always better slow. On the other side of the arch there waited a horde of witches and necromistresses massing to greet Jack at the train, many of whom he had already defended against the dark arts. But Jack, being a wizard of composure, shrugged off the girls and made his way toward the train.
"Ladies, please, let me through. There'll be plenty of time for this in class," he promised with a wink. The girls were very turned on, and a cacophony of screams resounded through the station as Jack boarded the train. Once he was safely on-board, the conductor gave the go-ahead to depart.
Jack cruised down the train car, much like his hero John Travolta walked down the streets of New York City in Saturday Night Fever. As he strut, he passed room after room of screaming students begging to be with him, but he chose to accompany his best friend Scorpion Malicious.
"If it isn't Jack Magic," said Scorpion as Jack walked in. "The only wizard cooler than me."
"Scorpion, you greasy degenerate," said Jack. "I'm surprised to find you without Albus between your legs."
"Come off it, Magic, and sit down." Jack found a seat between some other students in Green-Trim, and Scorpio continued. "We'll be joining Phi Theta Kappa this year, Magic. The best grades money can buy."
Jack nodded, his lazy eyes finding the booth window.
"It's a worthless institution, really," said Scorpion. "I should be working with father at the Ministry, by now."
"You got it rough," said Jack.
"What about you? You don't even take proper classes. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure if you've ever been enrolled."
Jack's position at school had always been a great mystery. Some say the Magics' ties to the School had existed for generations. Others claimed that Jack simply showed up first year and was so well liked that no one in the staff could say anything bad about him. Either way, he spent his years hopping between classes of all grade levels, attending only what was easy for him. The staff called this "Intensive Education", and Jack received honors status even for excelling in classes intended for ten-year- olds. Jack threw his arm around a Green-Trim witch beside him – she did not protest.
"What's really important, however, is that my petition for sexual education goes through. I think there's a lot of these kids could learn about swishing and flicking their wands."
"Hmm… Agreed," said Scorpion.
Choosing now to make their vivacious entrance, the school losers, James, Lily, and Albus walked by, slipping on the perpetual trail of banana peels leading them. Not a minute could go by without one of the cooler, smarter, and better looking students playing a joke on them. The booth was erupting in raucous laughter as Jack got a call on his Wizard Cellphone™. The entire train fell silent as Jack spoke, his words like daggers in the silence.
"Yes, Mister Headmaster?"
"It's The Headmaster!" the wizards said in astonished unison, momentarily breaking their hero's concentration. He put a finger in one ear and tightened his brow in concentration. As Jack listened to the mysterious caller his face became grim. Calmly putting the Wizard Cellphone™ down he said, "I don't want to alarm anyone… but there's a Humanazee on the train."
The booth, and apparently the whole train, burst into panic. For a solid minute there was nothing but screaming, candy being thrown, and inexplicable fires erupting. Through the chaos, Albus, widely considered stupidest of all students, asked "What is a Humanzee?"
The entire train fell silent once again as everyone realized they had no idea what a Humanzee was. Jack proceeded to open Safari on his Wizard Cellphone™ and typed in "chimp with a gun", which he then showed to the already terrified students. It was then they truly realized the horrors of the chimp/man hybrid monstrosity, once again flying into uproarious carnage. A cry for help was heard further down the train as a first year ran into the car, covered in blood and ape excrement.
"A giant ape!" he said, barely managing his broken plea. "He rampaged through the cars, killing anyone in his path, and I think he took the conductor hostage!"
"The ape, boy!" Jack said, shaking the whimpering student "What did it look like?!"
"It looked like a regular chimp, sir." Tears streaming down the boy's face.
For a split second, Jack was relieved, but the boy continued speaking. "Except it wore a black top hat, a monocle, and was smoking a cigar!"
"NOOOO!" Jack de-holstered his wand.
Without sparing a second, he pushed the boy aside and rushed down the ruined halls. A series of thoughts whizzed through his mind. Where did the Humanzee come from? Why is it here? Does it look cool? But there was no time for this. He almost fell over a smoldering house-elf carcass as he raced down the human meat-filled halls. He hopped between cars and entered a scene more horrific than the last. The car was in total disarray, and electrical wires sat exposed, hissing sparks from the walls. Jack tried to avoid the discharge of electricity to his side, but would be hit. He thought fast and said, "Ignis Comedit!", causing the burst of energy to be absorbed into the tip of his wand, effectively supercharging it for the fight to come. Jack was then able to proceed safely.
Jack emerged at last from the destroyed car into the conductor's car. Before him stood the infernal man/ape, with a horrified train conductor in its grip.
"Unhand him, Monster!" said Jack, holding his wand aloft.
"Oh, Mr. Magic, I don't think so…" said the repugnantly refined ape.
Jack, not being used to rejection of any sort, was taken aback by the comment. "Wait… how did you know my name?!"
"I know many things, boy," said the Humanzee. "Like who you are and how to crush the life out of this unfortunate train conductor." He snarled the last word and tightened his hold upon the man's neck.
"You monster!"
The ape smiled, displaying a maw of perfectly maintained teeth, beset by to two obtuse fangs. The primate's signature cigar jutted obnoxiously from a clenched bite. The situation was bad; this much Jack knew. One hesitant twitch and the heinous hybrid would harm the hapless hostage. He eyed both victim and foe, planning, searching, praying, for a solution. Inspiration flashed, and he produced a potion he carried for such occasions. "Eat this!" Jack said as he tossed the potion at the Humanzee.
"You were a fool to target me, boy!" said the ape, prepared to kill.
"I wasn't aiming for you, banana breath!" The potion hit the conductor in the solar plexus, and, with a flash, he was mutated into a hideous mass of tentacles and grisly suckers, lined by rows of eldritch teeth. The train conductor's tentacles shot out and wrapped around the dastardly Humanzee, constricting it. The Humanzee fought against the conductor, hoping to kill the monstrosity before it could do much damage, but the conductor was fast. The once weak man-body was replaced with a creature to rival the abominations dwelling in the darkest abyss of the great Wizard Ocean, and it had the strength to match its new grotesque form. Jack jumped back as the Humanzee and the Conductor-turned-Cephalopod engaged in a titanic battle. Tentacle met ape arm and sucker clashed on fur. The Humanzee abandoned all airs of civility and became the beast it truly was. It bit and clawed at the enraged Condcutorpus, but the boneless beast was more than a match for the hairy hellion. As a tentacle began to wrap around the Humanzee's neck a single tear rolled down the its cheek. From Jack's view point he could swear he saw the Octo-Conductor shed a single tear as well.
Now you know, the octopus thought.
However, The Humanzee rallied, gnawed off the tentacle constricting its throat, and kicked the squid back. Being an aquatic creature, it could not easily regain its composure. Seizing the moment, the Humanzee turned its attention to Jack. It growled an incoherent threat and dived, brutish arms outstretched.
Jack acted without thinking. He stumbled backwards into a crate labeled 'Sudanese Slagmaw'. A geyser of flames erupted from the crate, which Jack effortlessly dodged. The flames sprayed towards the Humanzee, not unlike the flamethrower in Jack's favorite game Team Fortress 2, but missed and hit the train engine, exploding it in a fiery inferno of death. The Ape and Sucker Beast were engulfed in the conflagration, leaving the stench of burnt hair and fried calamari. The force was enough to blast Jack back into the previous car.
For a moment Jack was vulnerable. Struggling to his feet, he once more saw the hulking figure of the Humanzee. Portions of its face were bubbling, and its skin fell off in charred clumps. Flames had ignited within its fur, but even after being scorched the top hat, monocle, and cigar remained unharmed. It had learned to protect its defining paraphernalia with obsessive skill. Injured beyond even his primate rage, he lingered by the engine's window.
"We'll meet again, Jack Magic! But for now it looks like you've got a train to catch!"
The Ape leaped, leaving Jack and the train to their fate - Jack ran to the window and leaned out. Through the smoke he saw it; the deathly turn into Dead Wizard Canyon.
End of Chapter 1
