1. Accepting Your Destiny
You ever lost someone close to you? Well so have I. Everybody always say "It was way too early for her to die" even though they are talking about a woman at 54. Maybe it was too early for her to die, and maybe she hadn't experienced everything she ever dreamed of, but if it's a girl at 7 who dies. I would say it's a bigger tragedy. Okay fine, maybe it's a tragedy no matter who dies, but if you could choose between the woman on 54 and the girl at 7 to live. Who would you choose? I know who I would.
My sister died a month ago. She just turned 7. So when you say you still feel so much pain, because of your grandmother's death years ago. Then imagine how I feel. 7 years, that was all she got. Her life barely even started. So the pain you have because of your grandmother's death is not even close to the pain I feel. The aching I feel in my heart is unbearable. My heart is broken. I'm hurt and so is everyone around me. A broken relationship can be hard, trust me I know I've been there, but you'll get over it. You replace that loved one with someone else, but you can never replace the love of a sister. I was there, with every step she took. The first time she crawled, the first time she walked, the first time she talked, the first time she rode a bike, her first day of school. Every step of her way I was there, and now I would never get the chance to see her grow up. I wouldn't be there for her anymore, because she was never going to need me again. I wouldn't ever be there to mend her broken heart. My heart was broken and no one would ever be able to put the pieces back together. The worst thing about this was it was only a matter of time before I lost another sister.
I heard footsteps coming in to my room. I knew who it was. It was my sister Sophia. She had come to see how I was doing. "You okay" she asked me softly.
I sighed. "I should be asking you this, not the other way around" I spoke.
"You're my little sister I will always be worried about you" she told me.
"But I'm not the one who's sick" I said to her.
That's right Sophia is sick, she has cancer. She has had for around 17 years by now. I know it's a long time, but they have tried to hold it down, and at some point they even thought the cancer had gone, but it always had a way of coming back.
"I know and I'm sorry about that" she sighed and sat down next to me on the bed. She knew we were all suffering from her disease.
"Don't apology, it's not your fault" I assured her.
"How's Demi?" she asked me.
"She's a bigger mess than the rest of us" I said looking her in the eyes, she sighed and nodded, giving me a look. I knew what she was thinking of, and I didn't want her to do it, but I also knew it was time; it had been going on for way too long.
That night I heard Sophia walk to Demi's room. I followed her, I know I might sound like a little girl following her big sister, but I just had to hear this. Even though I knew what she was going to say. I didn't want her to do it, but knew she had to.
"Soph?" it was Demi, she sounded surprised, but also sleepy.
"You okay?" Sophia asked her. I sat down in front of Demi's door and listened to their conversation.
"No" Demi said, I could hear she was crying.
"Come here" Sophia said and I assumed she gave her a hug. "We need to talk"
"About what?" Demi said between sobs.
"It's the end baby, it has been going on for too long"
"No" I heard Demi say with a soft voice. "I won't do it"
"It's over. Time to go, my time has come"
I heard Demi cry loudly. "No!"
"I need you to do me a favor!" Sophia told her.
"What favor?"
"You need to release me"
"No" Demi said. She didn't want to fight Sophia, but on the other hand she wouldn't give up that easy. "No, I don't care what it takes, but I'll keep you alive"
"You can't sissy and I don't want you to. It's time for you to live your life"
"I'll keep you alive. I have to. I don't want to be responsible for your death too!" I hated, when she was blaming herself for Maddie's death.
"You aren't. You need to stop blaming yourself for Maddie's death it wasn't your fault, and I'm choosing this for myself. It's time" Sophia was crying as well, I could hear it.
"No.. please don't do this to me" Demi said crying badly.
"Baby. It's okay, it has been going on for way too long. I'm okay with it"
I was crying too. I couldn't take it anymore. It hurt too much. I knew it had been hard on Sophia, and she had stayed alive for a long time, for the rest of us. It wasn't fair on her, she was in pain. I knew she was, but I just couldn't bear how she had just accepted to die. I stood up and ran to Jake's room. He would make things better I thought to myself. I knew he wouldn't be capable of, but I just needed to hear someone tell me that everything was going to be okay.
I stormed in to his room, and ran right in to his arms, resting my head on his chest crying my eyes out. Not knowing what else I to do.
"Brie what's wrong!" he asked. Thinking it had something to do with Madison, it partly had. I just couldn't bear losing another sister.
"Soph wants to die!" I screamed out.
"NO!" He was getting upset I could hear it in his voice. "She can't" he told me. "I won't let her" He let go of me and was about to walk to Sophia's room when I stopped him. "Jake we both know it has been going on for far too long, it's not fair on her. She's suffering. You hear her in the nights just as well as I do. We can't let it go on any longer" I told him and he looked in to my eyes, crying.
I walked over to him, and gave him a hug. Now it was me trying to calm him down instead of the other way around. "We can't lose her!" he said.
"No" I said knowing that we were going to eventually.
We both heard Demi's door open and she stormed out. "I won't do it Soph!" we both turned around and looked at Sophia. She looked helpless. "Let her go" I said. "She'll get better eventually"
That night I couldn't sleep. I was crying. The whole in my heart had grown. I couldn't believe the fact that Sophia had accepted to die. I just couldn't. I loved her too much. She had always been here, and I couldn't imagine my life without her. When I finally fell asleep, I woke up soon after, or so it felt. It was morning.
Today will be different it has to be. I will smile and it will be believable. I told myself. I will no longer be one of the sad girls who lost her sister. I will start over. Be someone new. It's the only way I'll make it through.
I was driving to school with Jake and Demi. This morning it had been even worse on Sophia. She had thrown up about 7 times. It was hard to see her like that. We all knew it was going to be the end, but we still wouldn't face the fact that we were going to lose her as well. None of us spoke. We all knew what each other were thinking. How would we be able to cope after both deaths? It was hard enough dealing with one.
Every single time I met someone, I knew they would ask me how I was. "I'm fine, thanks" I said every time, and I didn't mean it once, but no one noticed. It's funny when people ask how you are feeling they really don't want an answer. They are just being polite, but I would rather that they didn't ask me at all, when they didn't care anyway. I saw Jake. His friends were asking him how he was, and he said the same as me. I saw him fake a smile. He didn't mean it either, but again no one noticed. It's funny how you can talk to maybe 20 different people and no one are able to tell you're lying, when you say you're fine, even though you are not.
I was walking to English when I saw him. I had never seen him before, so I suppose he was new in the school. He looked someway lost, like me. But I don't think anyone saw other than me. He walked by me, I sighed, breathing in and out. I was about to cry, but I wasn't going to. I wouldn't I had promised myself not to cry today. He turned around and looked at me "You okay?" he asked. I turned around looking in to his eyes. Again. I thought to myself, I think he was the 10th person who had asked me that today. It was either that or 'how are you'. "I'm fine, thanks" I said faking a smile.
"You don't seem fine" he told me.
"I am" I tried to assure him, even though it was a lie.
"You're not, but hey its fine. You don't have to talk to me about it. I mean you don't know me"
He was the first person to see I wasn't doing okay. "I'm Gabriella" I told him.
"Troy"
"You lost?" I asked.
"Do I look lost?" he asked me.
"Kinda"
"Well I am I guess. First day in a new school and I don't know anyone"
"I can imagine"
"Can you help me find room 301" he asked me.
"Yes I'm heading there myself" I told him.
That night I watched Sophia as she was sleeping with her head in my lap. Her hair was falling off again; the chemo was taking the life out of her. She was so pale, and she had gotten so thin. She was dying. I knew it, but it wasn't really until now, I was really thinking it.
I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought I could smile and nod my way through it. That if I did everything would be better. I thought everything was going to be okay, but it's not that easy. I tried my best to pretend that everything was going to be okay, but the bad things kept coming back to me, and every time I looked at Sophia, things got worse. I had to move on. For the last month I had been like a ghost walking around, but how do you move on after your sister's death? The bad things stay with you. They follow you. I looked at Sophia. More than you expect them to. I wanted to escape from them, from all the bad things that had ever happened in my life, but no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't. All I could do was to be ready for the good. So when it came I had to invite it in, because you need it. I need it.
I went for the door as I heard it knock. "Troy" I said in almost a whisper. I didn't want to wake Sophia.
"I got the address from Caroline. You forgot your English book and I needed to make sure you were okay. I know I don't know you, but you really seemed upset" he handed me my book.
"You know for the last month, that's all everyone has wondered about me, if I'd be okay"
"What did you tell them?" he asked me.
"That I'll be fine"
"Do you ever mean it?"
"Ask me another day" I said letting out a smile, and for the first time in a month I actually meant it.
