Disclaimer: Yeah, I'm kind of not Mrs. Meyer, so I don't own any of the characters or the franchise or anything at all really. Read and review por favor? Merci. (Three languages in one post, can I get four? Ita vero.) (Four, sweet.)
"Jump off a cliff, Leah."
I'd just survive. What's the point? I mean, I heal before I can even realize that I'm not dead. You have to have tried by now. You know how well that works, Jacob Black.
"You have to be the most self-absorbed person alive, Leah. I'd hate to shatter the dream world you live in --- the one where the sun is orbiting the place where you stand --- so I won't tell you how little I care what your problem is. Go. Away."
If I could go away from this all I would, you bastard. To have all of you inside of my head. To be in YOURS, your stupid, blind brain.
"If I pretend to listen, will you leave?"
You wish. Everybody wishes. Even him...Sam.
"Do I care?"
Do I care if you care? I can't force myself out of werewolfism, so you have to deal with me, no matter what happens. I smirked.
"Shut up."
No. Not until you get Bella-Fucking-Swan --- almost Cullen --- out of my sex dreams. I have enough shit to worry about without your hopeless cause invading my brain. I hope the leech kills her. I can see what a funeral that would make. Closed casket of course. You phasing all over the place and mauling Charlie.
I watched him struggle to not phase. I grinned roughly. About time someone else had issues with their temper. I was getting tired of bursting out of my clothes like Paul did --- constantly.
"If you're upset about gender confusion, Leah, how do you think the rest of us like looking at Sam through your eyes? It's bad enough that Emily has to deal with your fixation. She doesn't need us guys panting after him, too."
W...why would you---say that--- My teeth ground together as every cell in my body filled with the now familiar flood of angry, tearing heat. I scrambled to my feet, trying not to scream. I spat instead, tearing myself away from the conflict before I blew our cover.
"You missed."
He thought I hadn't heard that one, bolting away in desperation before I exploded.
Jake's words cycled through my head as I phased, letting the crushing anger and pain vibrate me out of human existence. Mom was going to be angry with me, she'd had to replace all of my bras as it was and I was shredding another one. Between me and Seth we'd probably drained our college funds in clothes money. I felt bad, but Mom was very calm about the whole situation and bought pajamas and sweatpants in extreme bulk for both of us. I felt the fragile threads tear, sending shorts and camisole into a haze of fluff in my wake. My bangs flipped back and forth over my eyes, the wind currents disrupting even my courser wolf fur. I still occasionally mourned the loss of my waist length hair, when I felt like my more important problems deserved a rest from my obsession. For christ's sake, my hair was almost shorter than Jacob's. But it felt too good to have my claws tearing though the earth, and nothing, bloodsucker or Jake or animal, could catch me. I felt Quil and Embry in the distance, their confusion and exasperation as I intruded on what was a private, 'no-girls-allowed' conversation. Embry was thinking about a girl he'd made out with last week, and Quil was trying to convince him that he didn't care and it felt weird to think about making out with people when he couldn't kiss Claire. He'd already had the same Bella-kissing dream I'd had, but it revolted him even more than it sickened me because of his imprint on Claire. I was merely in love, he was bonded. I knew they didn't want me here, didn't want my admittedly venomous thoughts plaguing their psyches, but I was more concerned with the fact that Sam was wolf too. Helplessly, I drifted into his mind, letting my addiction-like pain wash over the entire mental link as I saw him starting to follow after me through his eyes. I bolted faster, not even feeling the pads of my feet hit the ground.
Stop Sam, I shrieked, just stop. In addition to my mental protestation, I growled loudly.
Quil snarkily commented to Embry that I was probably PMSing, and Embry laughed once before they both quieted in the force of my intense rage. I let out a stream of mixed curse words in their general direction. Didn't those bitch-ass boys realize that that was impossible in my current state? That my genetic dead end life prevented that? That no one could or would imprint on me --- let alone WANT me --- ever? My thoughts were quickly reaching an atom cloud of hysteria. I tried to push my feet faster, drawing on my energy reserves to make my muscles move so fast that I was a gray blur, and I could barely see straight through tears and wind.
Damn, Leah's fast, Embry said as Quil broadcasted his agreement. My smugness that would have normally accompanied this statement didn't come, kept at bay by the boulder of sadness that filled my entire brain, and therefore Sam, Quil, and Embry's brains, too. As much as I wanted them to leave me alone, it gave me a savage sort of happiness that they could feel a fraction of my unending torture. I kept running, trying to rein in my thoughts and wanting to talk to Mom. She at least could empathize, being an elder, and knowing the full truth and more. The guys panicked whenever I even considered the fact that I didn't get my period anymore. If I stayed wolf like I was supposed to, until the vamps were gone, then I wouldn't get a chance at a normal life. Ever. I didn't want to get pregnant immediately, of course, but the image of a little boy with Sam's eyes and Seth's lips curled up in my arms was irresistable. And a girl, my long hair with Emily's curls, in a light green dress tiptoeing along the edge of the grass towards her snoring, fluffy haired twin. Them phasing would be painful for me (it would be impossible for them not to shape shift with their bloodlines), but again, the image of two dusty brown wolves bolting around and playing was too beautiful of an image to ignore. Sam and I watching them as they played. Sam, Leah, Alex, and Lily. The sequence struck a happy, humming chord in my mind.
I realized with hopeless rage that I'd been broadcasting my stupid fantasies along all channels, and I snarled shrilly, both mentally and physically. My walls were up and firm again, solid as stone, solid as the sinews that creaked as I huffed in and out. Each breath was painful, each step jarred my pounding head beyond endurance.
I'm sick of this shit, I hissed to no one in particular, and I tossed my head, trying to shake the problems I didn't have time for out of my cranium. I swerved to the left, practically flying. I couldn't ever remember moving this fast.
Leah, Sam thought softly, but I ignored him as I ran, full tilt, towards a large tree. The boys' shock and alarm reached me as they saw my trajectory, but I lept upwards at the last second, my claws grinding deep into the bark of the tree.
For a half a second, I was running straight up. Fuck gravity, I thought, baring my teeth in a wolf grin.
Then I sprang off of the trunk and onto a wide, overhanging bough, about thirty feet off of the ground. The branch trembled for a moment and I crouched low, paws gripping, waiting for the tremors to stop. When they did, I laid down and, my triumph over physics aside, descended into my misery again. The thoughts around me swirled and shifted; Quil's bewilderment, Embry's eagerness to try my trick (he wasn't nearly fast enough, I'd wiped out about seventy times before succeeding), Sam's concern for me twisted up with his omnipresent adoration for Emily and his attempts to hide it from me.
I howled, my voice earsplitting and heartbreaking even to me, even though I was used to my own pain.
Please, Leah, Sam thought. Please. Tell me what I can do. I hated his pity so much, it made me sick that he wanted me to just go away but couldn't help feeling sorry for me.
You can go to hell, Sam. And you can not follow me, because I'm phasing back and I shredded out of my clothes. You want a quick thrill, go find a strip club or fuck my cousin.Before any of them could reply, I was human again, slumped uncomfortably against the branch. I wasn't cold, thanks to the whole 108 degrees body temp thing, but I was just uncomfortable being naked in the woods. It had this whole 'I just lost my virginity in a really embarrassing way' feel to it. I straightened up slightly and curled into a ball, staring broodingly out through the branches.
It was now I started to miss my dad again.
The guilt came crushing down and I howled, humanly this time, into my arms. Tears streamed into my hands, my head pounding with heat and anger and blood. Stupid Leah, the genetic freak, the girl-wolf, the murderer.
--- I felt disgustingly hot and unwell as I dropped my bag by the back door. Dad was on the porch and I went to sit by him. He smiled at me, and I smiled unhappily back.
"Come on, Lee, help me get my tackle box out of the truck?" he said, smiling his wrinkly smile. I stood, the heat throbbing to my head as I moved. When the red metal box was in my hand, I handed it to him. His hand grabbed mine on the handle, and he jumped back as if electrified by my heat. He looked at me, clearly bewildered.
"Leah---"
And then the world ended.
I explosively combusted in a ball of gray fur, the battered tackle box falling from my hands --- my paws --- Everything was wrong, I was blind and everything hurt, there were voices telling me things but I couldn't focus on them ---
And then Dad, slumped on the ground, no --- I ran, unable to help him and unable to believe my stupidity. Straight to my tree, I ran straight up for the first time and landed on the branch, panting and trembling and threatening to break the tree into so much ancient mulch. I howled, then I jumped from the tree, not trying to catch myself, wishing I would die.
Take me, my mind screamed, God please take me. Leave Dad, and take me if there is any such thing as decency in the world. I landed on my ribs and one foreleg, and after they creaked for a moment, I was fine. Unharmed.
I knew then that there was no hope, and that made me desperate to phase back, desperate to see my dad before he died. I ran as fast as I could while I was still wolf, and I skidded into my back door as the heat cooled and my spine straightened erect. I was inside before anyone had the chance to look around at the bare-assed girl breaking into her own house. Mom and Seth were gone with Dad, so I pulled on the first clothes I could find. I fixed my pants, which I now realized were gray sweats, so that my ass wasn't hanging out of them. My shirt was a pale blue, I noticed dully as I whimpered, wiping my eyes on the long blue sleeves. I ran out the door and bolted straight into Sam as I headed out of the door. I looked at him, wild eyed. He ushered me into his car quickly, and I climbed into the passenger seat and burst into tears. Paul, Jared and Embry were crushed into the back, staring at me uncomfortably and filled with worry. Embry somehow extricated his arm and rubbed his hand soothingly over my back. I nodded at him, then stared tensely out of the window as Sam sped along the highway ---
I wrenched myself back to the present day, struggling to ice the heat that was rushing to my temples. My trembling was shaking the entire tree, but I closed my eyes and took a breath laden with woody smells.
I smelled Jacob, and the heat burst into flame.
I was a wolf again, and I tumbled out of my crying tree, onto the soft mossy floor. I sprang to my feet, shaking myself in one smooth motion. I probed the mental link. Only Jacob, and he was running, running, far and fast and steady, his pain rebounding along the link, turning wolfy, something less complex but easier to justify and handle. I was confused, but I heard Sam say, as he phased back to human form, Come back when you can...I stayed silent and Jake ignored me. I just kept moving, nearing home as fast as I could. Which was fast, given my prodigious speed. Glancing around for anyone who might see, I snuck into my yard sheepishly and took the emergency clothes Mom always left under the bench for me and Seth. Holding them gingerly in my teeth, I slunk back into the woods where I intended to phase in peace, leaving Jacob alone with his journey. We still didn't consciously speak, although I couldn't block him out and I caught snatches of unfamiliar trees streaming past at a rapid rate.
And I felt his pain, so much like mine, only somehow easier for me to cope with than my own. It all came down to doomed love.
I know, Jacob thought quietly to me.
I'm sorry, I thought back, surprisingly sincere, No one should feel this way.Cheers.She's really going to marry him. I stated it, because it was true, but I couldn't hold back my wounded whimper when I compared it to my own plight. Like Sam and Emily.
I felt him spasm, his muscles locking up as he ran, making him stumble to the ground and lay there, beaten.
...Yeah. She loves him. And he gets her. I'm not sure how that's fair.Imagine life being fair. We wouldn't have our hearts ripped out bleeding like they are. It felt weird using the pack plural when it was only two of us, but we were internally identical right now.
There was some silence while Jake picked himself carefully back up and ran faster. I sat, head on paws, watching him. My clothes lay beside me in a crupmled, slightly tooth bitten pile.
Yeah, Leah. Thanks. I'm sorry.I am too. For both of us.Sure, sure. Even in his head, the words were wrong, laced with pain and dark humor. Okay, I admit, it sucks to be you.I snorted. Yes, I do believe it does. I let a gusty breath blow out through my teeth.
I know I'm hard to live with, I continued hesitantly, especially since there's no way to escape from everything, not even for a while. I guess being --- I searched for the right word ---
Bitchy?I rolled my eyes at him, but conceded. Yeah. Bitchy is my catharsis. Maybe I thrive on other people's misery.I pondered that thought, miserable myself that I was such a hatable person.
Nah, Leah, I think you just need to make sure that other people get sad sometimes, too. Being alone --- generally --- people get scared. No one wants to live alone. Well... he paused. I might, for a while.My shock registered in his mind and he snorted slightly. I didn't speak, and neither did he. Our sorrows seemed to have melded, splitting and reforming as half-and-half. It made it easier to deal with, weirdly, having someone else's problem to carry that was the same as your own.
Good luck, Jake.
And I left him running away.
Oui?
