It was early. Very early on Christmas morning. Caroline's body was shuddering slightly. Kate crawled back up beside her looking smug.

"We've wrecked this bed." She smiled. "Look at it...it was so neat and tidy and now...well...we've wrecked it."

Caroline reached out to pull Kate to her. "God Kate, you're...you've turned me into..." she tailed off searching for the words before looking at Kate, now in her arms and visibly melting into her eyes. There was a long pause as the two women gazed at each other and then Caroline seemed to mentally shake herself and she said with a small laugh, "You've turned me into a bed wrecker."

Kate smirked cheekily, "Yeah that's right, I turned Caroline Elliot."

"Into a bed wrecker Kate, that's what we were discussing. Not that you 'turned me' per se." The amusement was clear in Caroline's voice.

Kate tried to look sad, pushing her bottom lip out, pouting, "You mean I didn't turn you?"

Caroline smiled at Kate's playfulness. "You probably could've...but no darling, I think I was already...inclined to the pleasures of the female form."

"Damn. And I thought it was me who'd...persuaded you." Kate couldn't help the grin that spread across her face.

"Was that the aim then?" Caroline still smiled but there was a hint of seriousness in her words.

"You weren't a conquest, Caroline. Ever. But I wanted you for a long time."

They looked at each other again and then Caroline leaned in and kissed Kate sweetly before saying seriously, "I'm sorry that I made everything so...difficult."

"Neither of us is without blame, Caroline. But this is a fresh start now...isn't it?"

"Yes. I want it to be." Definite. Resolved.

"Good. Then let's just move forward." She leaned in and kissed Caroline again before snuggling into her arms.

All was quiet for a while, then Caroline said tentatively, "I should probably tell you something." Kate looked up at her expectantly but said nothing. Caroline swallowed before saying quietly, "I've been seeing someone."


5 Months Previously

"...only don't bother, don't grow up..not on my account."

"So Caroline. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself."

Caroline perched on the edge of the chair. Staring into the abyss that was her fucked-up life. "There's very little to say. Really." She looked down at the waste paper basket. It needed emptying.

The woman sitting opposite her looked at her steadily. Wise, hazel eyes looked out from under a rather scruffy fringe, albeit her shiny, chestnut hair was pretty in its unruliness.

Caroline looked up into her gaze. She suddenly felt panicky and found herself blurting out, "I think I may've made a mistake. I'm not sure what I'm doing here."

"Well...what were you thinking when you initially called to make this appointment?" A quiet, steady voice. Calm. It suddenly reminded Caroline of Kate and without warning she started to cry.

Caroline was ashamed of sitting, crying in front of a stranger but once the tears started she couldn't seem to stop. She bowed her head and sobbed.

"Caroline." She looked up in reaction to her name to see she was being offered a box of tissues.

The breath caught in her throat on a sob. She reached out and took a tissue. "Thanks..." She tailed off, having forgotten the woman's name.

"Helen." She smiled kindly. Placed the tissues on the small table between them. "They're there if you need them."

A choked gasp. "Sorry."

"No need." Helen let Caroline cry for a minute or so, waiting until she'd taken two more tissues, blown her nose and the sobs had subsided before she asked gently, "What was it that made you cry then?"

Caroline looked at her through watery, red-rimmed, blue eyes and said sadly but without pity, "The pathetic state of my fucked-up life."

Helen didn't bat an eyelid. Same even tone. "What makes it fucked-up?"

Caroline drew an uneven breath. "I'm 46 and I can't form a lasting, meaningful relationship...with anyone." She looked at Helen as if she'd just announced something so damning, so revelatory, so definitive, that there couldn't possibly be anything anyone could say in response.

"Who are you thinking of specifically when you say that?"

Caroline looked at her a little astounded. Firstly that she'd dared to ask that question. And secondly that she'd asked any question at all after her statement. "Anyone." Curt. Bland.

"Ok. Give me an example of 'anyone'."

"Does it matter?" Snippy.

"Yes, I think it probably does." Calm. Maintained eye contact.

"What makes you think that?" Tried to retreat into headmistress mode.

"I think it's why you came here today, Caroline." She looked steadily at Caroline and then when she didn't say anything, asked quietly, "So, which relationship in particular has brought you here?"

Caroline felt herself tearing up again. She looked past Helen. There was an abstract painting on the wall behind her. A blue canvas that had been daubed with green and looked, to Caroline, like it'd been stored in a damp garage. It made her feel...frustrated. She wanted to tidy it. Make it more...ordered. Controlled. She looked back, straight into Helen's patient, soft hazel eyes. She heard herself saying, as if from underwater, "Kate."

Helen nodded gently. She repeated quietly, "Kate." Then, "So what was your relationship with Kate like?" Caroline felt like she wasn't ready to hear someone else say Kate's name. It made her wince when she heard it. Like a sharp skewer in her heart.

Caroline was quiet for a long time. She stared off into the distance. Faraway. There was a long, long pause and then Caroline uttered one barely audible word, "Precious."

Helen allowed the word to settle in the air. She crossed her legs and then asked, "Tell me about Kate. What's she like?"

Caroline exhaled audibly and looked to her right, out of the window. Helen's office was on the first floor and there was a tree right outside the window. In full leaf, it looked magnificent and proud.

Caroline took another breath. A swimmer, ploughing her way through choppy waters. She remembered learning about bilateral breathing at school. She was a good swimmer and she'd liked her swimming teacher. She enjoyed swimming. Being alone in the pool. Just her and her thoughts and controlling her body in that safe environment. With Kate her body hadn't felt controlled. She'd felt...wild. Utterly abandoned. Out of control. Wonderful.

"She's...lovely." Another breath. How could she describe the woman who'd turned her life upside down with her beautiful smile and gentle nature? Who hadn't asked for anything but who had given...everything. Who had made her feel. Alive. "Kind. Thoughtful. Gentle. Sweet. Giving. Lov..." She stopped abruptly. She'd gone too far. Hit a wall.

"Were you going to say 'loving' then?" Gentle. Non-judgmental.

The breath caught in Caroline's throat again. She couldn't speak. Instead she looked at Helen mutely and nodded.

"Did she love you?"

Caroline started to cry again. Or rather, tears started to course down her cheeks as if of their own accord. She looked a little startled at her emotions betraying her. She grabbed another tissue and scrubbed at her tears almost furiously until they stopped. She looked at Helen apologetically. Tight voice. "I think she did, yes." Factual.

"And did you love her?"

Caroline felt like she was being held under the water. Struggling to breathe. Unable to surface. Lungs burning. She fought to regain control. "I was very...fond of her." Throat now hurting at how tight it felt.

"So she loved you, and you were very fond of her. Was that a problem...the uneven nature of your feelings?" Said entirely without judgment or malice.

"Clearly." Snotty. Sarcastic. Defensive. A pause, then, "Sorry."

"You said earlier that you weren't capable of forming a lasting, meaningful relationship. Why do you think that was with Kate?"

A small voice. Sad. Regretful. "Because I'm hopeless." Caroline cast her eyes downwards.

Helen said thoughtfully, "Hopeless. Without hope. Surely nobody is entirely without hope, Caroline? After all, you don't seem to me to be innately evil, so surely there is hope that you can attain the lasting, meaningful relationship you seek with someone else?"

Caroline's head shot up. She looked astounded at Helen's suggestion and retorted quickly, "But I don't want someone else!" As soon as it was out of her mouth, she seemed sorry that she'd said it and broke eye contact to again look at the picture behind Helen's head.

Helen allowed a short pause before saying, "So it's Kate you want the lasting, meaningful relationship with?"

Caroline realised this wasn't really a question but that she needed to answer anyway. She grudgingly acknowledged to herself that Helen might actually know what she was doing.

Caroline continued looking at the painting for a while. Contemplating its blues and greens. Trying to make form out of its lack of form. She turned to meet Helen's eyes. "Yes." A quiet admission.

"Then I think we need to talk about why the relationship failed, Caroline."

Caroline swallowed a sigh. "It was because of me."

Helen said gently, "Ok..but what was it that you did...or didn't do?"

Caroline felt a little hemmed in. The well worn leather chair she was sitting on seemed, all of a sudden, a bit too small. She wriggled a little. "I think Kate would tell you that it was because I wouldn't acknowledge our relationship openly."

"Do I take it you don't agree with that?"

"I don't feel the need to flaunt any of my personal relationships. And I don't think that equates to not being committed." Haughty. Practiced. Dr Elliot being challenged by the Board of Governors.

Helen sounded thoughtful as she asked, "Is 'flaunting' the same as 'acknowledging'?"

Caroline gritted her teeth. Great drop volley. 15-love to Helen. "I suppose not."

"So how was Kate to know you were committed?"

Caroline wriggled in the chair again. "By the way I was with her."

"You mean in private?"

Caroline flashed blue ice her way. "Yes." Clipped. No entry sign clicked into place.

Helen ignored the sign. Walked straight past. "And how was that? How was your private relationship?"

Caroline gathered up her used tissues, got up from her chair and took them to the waste paper bin. Placed them in neatly, before turning back and sitting back down primly. She crossed her ankles.

Helen looked at her patiently. Waiting.

Caroline looked back to the painting. Suddenly the green reminded her of Kate. Lush, fecund, vital. And I'm the blue. Of course I am. God. Without realising she was speaking, she said, "Being with Kate was like the first day of summer. Like lying in lush grass, looking up at the sun in the bluest sky. She surrounded me with her gentleness. Bathed me with her smile." She paused whilst clearly remembering and then continued, "Being with Kate was like the softest, quietest revolution in my life, delivered with care and the greatest affection." For the first time since speaking, Caroline looked at Helen.

"It sounds wonderful", Helen said.

"It was", Caroline said quietly.

"So how does it compare to other relationships you've had?"

Caroline took a shaky breath. "It doesn't. Apart from...", she tailed off.

"Apart from?", Helen prompted gently.

"Apart from the way I treated her."

"Which was?"

"Not like she deserved. I should've...I should've been braver." She looked at Helen ashamedly, "I've been such a coward."

"How Caroline? What did you do?" Kind eyes, gentle questioning.

"I took her away for the weekend."

"Well, that's nice, isn't it?"

Caroline raised her eyes heavenwards, "It might've been...if I hadn't booked separate rooms."

"I see. Why did you feel like you couldn't book a double room?"

"I...I don't know. I was just...scared. Not ready to acknowledge to the outside world that I'm...different I suppose."

"So, how are you different?"

Caroline looked at her like she was a fool. "I was in a same sex relationship." Snippy.

"Right. And is that...very different these days?"

Caroline sighed, "I'm a head teacher, Helen. I am the face of Sulgrave Heath. I'm in charge of more than 850 pupils. I can't be seen to be having a relationship that's outside the norm! And with a teacher too!" Righteous.

"Right. So, who might disapprove of your relationship?"

"The Board of Governors for a start." Stating the obvious.

"Don't you have protection from discrimination these days?"

"It's not that simple." Dismissive.

"Isn't it?"

Caroline shot her a look and then there was silence for a few moments. Helen then asked, "Are your parents still alive, Caroline?"

Caroline looked surprised by the question. "My mother is. Why?"

"Did she know about your relationship with Kate?"

"Yes." Minimal information. Just the basics.

"And was she supportive?"

"Not really."

"Do you know why?"

"She thought...I was...making a fool of myself. That Kate was...playing me...to further her career."

"From what you've told me about Kate, it doesn't sound like that was her motivation."

"It wasn't. She's a very genuine person."

"Were you angry when your mother said that?"

"Of course I was. I was upset that..." Tailed off. Didn't want to go there.

"What were you upset at?"

Bloody marvellous. I should've known she wouldn't miss that. A deep breath. "I was upset that she thought...Kate couldn't like me just for me...that there had to be another reason." Looked at the waste paper bin again. Didn't the bloody woman ever empty it?!

"Do you think you're worthy of being loved for just you?" Quiet, even tone.

A piercing. An incision. A sharp breath. No words.

"Caroline?" Quiet insistence.

"Probably not." A small voice. Not hers. A voice from the past.

"Why not?"

Leave it now. This is hurting. I don't want to go there. "Because I'm...useless. I fuck things up. I hurt people. I push them away." A sob. Feeling like it'd been ripped out of her. She uncrossed her ankles, put her feet flat on the floor and slumped forward, elbows on legs, head in her hands. Desolate.

"Who have you pushed away?"

Sobbing openly now. Grabbed a tissue, then another without looking up. Breath coming in short gasps. "Kate. John, probably. Deborah, definitely. My dad."

"That's a lot to blame yourself for, Caroline."

"Yes, well...I'm the common denominator." More sobs. "I think...I think...I might be...poisonous to people."

"I think that's unlikely, Caroline. I'm not sure you have that power."

She looked up at that. "Maybe you just don't know me very well." Challenging. Wanting to be blamed.

"Maybe." A deliberate pause. "Or maybe you don't know yourself well enough yet."

A shocked look. "I'm 46, with a degree and a doctorate. You'd think I'd know myself well enough by now." Slightly haughty in between the residual sobs.

"Age and education don't just give you a golden key to self understanding, you know." Said kindly.

"Then I'm truly fucked, aren't I? A lost cause." Disconsolate. Resigned.

"I don't think so Caroline. Not at all."

Caroline looked out the window at the tree. Not convinced. Watched the leaves gently ripple in the breeze. They had no choice either...just move where the wind tells them to.

"I think you're putting a lot on yourself right now because you're in pain from losing Kate. But we can talk more about that next time. In the meantime I want you to think more about control and particularly what makes you feel in control...and then what makes you feel out of control."

Caroline turned to look at Helen. "Right." Dully.

"You've taken a big step today, Caroline, in coming here. That was in your control. And I know you don't feel it yet, but you will." She looked at Caroline kindly. Smiled gently at her. Encouraging. "Now. Is this time next week good for you?"

Caroline nodded, "I suppose so." She scoffed gently, "It's not like I'm doing anything else, is it?"

"Me neither." An encouraging smile. "So, I'll see you next week then."

Caroline nodded and got up. Put the tissues in her waste paper basket. Balancing precariously on top of the rest. Bloody hell, how does she put up with people just crying on her all day?! Either way she needs to empty that bloody thing!

"Thanks." Polite. The right thing to do. Just as her mum had taught her. She walked out feeling as precarious as the tissues on the top of the bin. As out of control as the leaves on the trees.

The green and blue of the painting stayed with her.