DISCLAIMER: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of its characters.
ONE TIME WARNING: THIS STORY MAY BE TRIGGERING. It contains graphic depictions of self-harm in the form of cutting, as well as an in-depth look at depression. There will also be mentions of suicide. In addition, there will be mention of pre-marital sex (no actual smut) and underage drinking, as well as the possibility of the depiction of recreational drug use. This story is harsh realism. This is the only time this warning will appear.
"Boys, smile this way!"
"Now this way!"
"Jo, you look amazing!"
"Jo, who are you wearing tonight?"
"Carlos, flash that smile this way!"
"Oh my God, Big Time Rush!"
"WE LOVE YOU JAMES!"
James flashed a peace sign to the group of fans that had just screamed on his behalf. Carlos and Logan laughed as they both signed some posters that fans had held out to them as paparazzi continued snapping photos of them on the red carpet.
Kendall finished posing for pictures with Jo and turned to join his friends at the mob of fans. "Kendall, will you take a picture?" a fan, looking about fifteen or sixteen, asked as she held out her phone.
"I'm not supposed to take photos, only sign autographs," Kendall said apologetically, and then grimaced as the fan's face fell. "Okay, just the one, fast, fast," he said, jumping next to her. He laughed as she nearly fumbled the phone in her excitement. "Faster, faster!" he yelled, jokingly, grabbing the phone to help her hold it steady so they could snap the selfie.
"Thanks Kendall!" the fan squealed. Kendall gave her a peck on the cheek, inspiring screams everywhere.
"Jesus, and they call me the womanizer of the group!" James joked, making a few people nearby laugh.
Jo, standing a little ways down the line of fans, raised an eyebrow at Kendall, but she was smiling so he knew she wasn't actually mad. He offered her his cheek and she planted a kiss on it. Camera flashes went crazy. They continued through the line of autograph seekers, posed for a few more photos for the press, and finally made it inside the theatre where Jo's latest movie was premiering that night.
"Woo, that was crazy," Jo sighed, glancing around before surreptitiously adjusting her strapless dress. She looked stunning, wearing a white strapless floor-length gown covered in beads that sparkled every time she moved. Her blonde hair was artfully curled and cascaded over one shoulder. Kendall smiled and reached out to caress her face.
"I'm proud of you," he told her, taking her hand and walking through the lobby after the guys and their dates with her. "This movie is huge, I'm sure it's gonna be great."
"I'm just glad it's over and I'm back in the country." Jo had spent a good portion of the previous fall on location in Canada filming the epic action thriller.
"And now I'm done with the tour, we can just spend some time together." Soon after Jo had arrived back home, Big Time Rush had left for a two month tour across the US, Canada, and Mexico. "Well except for your trip to Hawaii in two weeks."
Jo sighed. "It's not really a trip, Kendall. I'm doing a modeling shoot for a makeup company that wants me to be their new spokesmodel!"
"I know," Kendall insisted, bumping her shoulder lightly with his own as they maneuvered through the dark theatre to find their seats. A few people screamed when they saw Jo come in. She waved as they sat down in the seats reserved for them, in the center. "I'm just jealous I'll be too busy in the studio to come with you."
"If Gustavo lets you off, you're totally welcome," Jo told him for the twentieth time with a shrug. "And besides, it's only for a few days. A couple of beach shoots, and a day extra in case something goes wrong with scheduling. Not a big deal."
James leaned over Logan, who was sitting next to him, to speak to Kendall. "Hey, did you talk to Kelly about our video shoot next week, Kendall?"
"I thought Logan was going to ask her?" Kendall answered.
Logan shrugged. "I didn't."
"No big deal," Kendall said, taking a sip of his drink that a theatre employee had brought him. "I'll call her tomorrow."
"Oh, be sure to ask her about the appearance at Disneyland too," Carlos reminded him. "I want to know if I can bring Chelsea." He slipped an arm around his new girlfriend and they smiled at each other.
"Yeah, sure," Kendall started to say, but was cut off by James.
"And don't forget about The Ellen Show taping," James reminded him.
"Yeah, and-" Logan started to say, but stopped abruptly when Camille elbowed him (pretty hard, it looked like) in the chest. "Ow!" he complained indignantly.
"Geez, you guys, what is he, your manager?" Camille scolded.
"Kind of," Logan said, and immediately moved back as Camille moved her arm as though to elbow him again. "Don't hurt me again!"
"Kendall's just really good at remembering details and stuff," James shrugged, leaning back to grab some of the popcorn that his blonde supermodel date was holding.
Camille rolled her eyes, but the lights dimmed and the opening credits started rolling. Everyone cheered as Jo's name faded on the screen. Kendall put an arm around his girlfriend and sat back to enjoy the movie.
The limo pulled up in front of the Palm Woods Hotel late that night, after the movie and after-party. Logan and Camille hopped out first, both of them hopped up on too much sugar. "My dad's out of town," Camille said simply. Logan grinned, grabbed Camille's hand, and both of them ran like little kids in the front door of the hotel.
Carlos and Chelsea got out after that, followed by Kendall and Jo. "You coming in, bud?" Kendall asked James, who was still in the limo. He'd already started making out with Marissa, the supermodel he was dating.
James untangled himself from his girl for a split second. "Nah, I'm going to ride and make sure 'Rissa gets home all right," he said, slurring slightly. He had gotten a little drunk, despite the fact that the boys all still had a year before they were able to drink legally—seems James always had a way around the rules.
Marissa flipped her blonde hair over one shoulder to turn and look at Kendall over the other. "He'll be staying with me," she told him smoothly, giving a flawless smirk before turning back and sticking her tongue back down James's throat.
Kendall straightened up from where he'd been leaning down to look in the door. "Right, that's good, you kids have fun then," he said awkwardly. "Call us if you need a ride home tomorrow, bud." Kendall shut the door and waved at the driver, who pulled away.
Carlos and Chelsea had already gone inside it seemed. Jo smiled at Kendall as he slid a hand in hers. "They went to Chelsea's apartment," she told him, reading his mind. "Looks like it'll be just us tonight."
Kendall grinned. His mom and Katie had moved back to Minnesota the year before. Katie had pitched a royal fit, and it had been hard for everyone, but eventually everyone had agreed that it was the best decision (Katie a bit reluctantly). The guys now lived in apartment 2J by themselves.
"Well then," he said, giving a little bow and gesturing towards the door. "After you, my lady." He held open the front door of the hotel.
Jo giggled. "Why thank you, good sir," she replied. They walked like perfectly proper people all the way through the lobby, past the uninterested night clerk and into the elevator. As soon as the doors closed and the elevator started moving, Jo pulled her arm from Kendall's, practically pushed him against the wall, and started kissing him like she hadn't seen him in a hundred years.
The ride to the second floor was disappointingly short. They ran down the hall giggling, Jo holding her heels in one hand and hiking up the front of her gown with the other. Kendall opened the door, taking off his jacket and flinging it onto the kitchen counter. Jo dropped her shoes by the door and threw herself at Kendall again.
Kendall lifted her right off the ground, her arms around his neck and knees slightly bent so her toes didn't touch the ground, and carried her towards his bedroom, still kissing her. He only set her down when they reached the door of the bedroom. "I love you, Jo," he murmured as she began undoing the top buttons of his shirt.
She stopped what she was doing to place a hand on Kendall's lips. "I love you too," she told him. "Now hurry up and unzip this damn dress." She turned and pulled her hair away from her back, glancing over her shoulder to grin cheekily at Kendall.
Kendall was very willing to comply.
Later, Jo was asleep with her head resting on Kendall's chest. Kendall watched her for a while, felt her chest move with each breath, watched her lashes flutter slightly as she slept, and admired how artful her hair still looked. Eventually though, he kissed her on the forehead and gently eased himself out from under her head. In her sleep, she turned over and readjusted on her other side.
Running a hand through his hair and ruffling it up a bit, Kendall got out of bed. He found some clean pajamas, putting them on before he quietly tiptoed from the bedroom and shut the door as silently as possible. When the door was closed, he sighed and walked off down the hall towards the kitchen and living room.
He flopped onto the couch, not bothering to turn on any lights. For the past couple of days, he'd been having a hard time going to sleep, and usually didn't manage to fall asleep before the sun was coming up. That was still a few hours away.
Kendall grabbed the remote from the coffee table, flipping on the TV, immediately turning the volume down to a point where it was low enough that it wouldn't wake Jo, but loud enough that he could hear it.
Flipping through a few channels, Kendall stopped when his girlfriend's face lit up on the screen. It took him only a second to realize that it was a rerun of a celebrity news show that had apparently covered Jo's movie premiere. Kendall smiled, taking in again how truly gorgeous Jo had looked on the red carpet.
The news reporter voice over was mentioning Jo's movie as well as her TV and modeling projects. Jo's face appeared again, being interviewed on the red carpet.
"It's really been a great experience, and I'm just so happy to share it with everyone," Jo said with a never-wavering toothy grin.
The TV then showed a montage of video footage of Kendall and Jo together at the premiere, with the other guys in a few shots as well. "Jo was accompanied this evening by long-time boyfriend, Kendall Knight of the boy band Big Time Rush," the voiceover stated. It flashed back to the interviewer, this time interviewing Kendall
"I'm really proud of her," Kendall's onscreen doppelganger said. "She's worked really hard. I love that I can share this day with her."
"The future is just so bright, for everyone involved," Jo said as the focus switched back to her interview. "I'm really looking forward to future projects."
The story ended then, and the show went to commercial break. Kendall smiled faintly, and hit mute. He just sat there for a while, gently tracing his fingertips up and down the lines on his opposite palm. The show came back on and for a few minutes he watched the coverage of Justin Bieber's latest meltdown with the TV still on mute.
His phone chimed where he'd left it on the counter when he and Jo had come in earlier. Hopping up from the couch, he grabbed it and opened his facebook to check the notification that had alerted him.
After scrolling through facebook for a few minutes, he went to twitter to check his newsfeed. As usual, his tweet from earlier ("So proud of my girl Jo_Taylor! I love you babe!") had hundreds of responses, and he took the time to scroll through them as he walked slowly back to the couch.
It was moments like these that he wished he wasn't so devoted to reading all of his messages. Tweets insulting his relationship with Jo hit him like a punch in the gut. He tried to let the comments roll off of him, and focused more on the kind ones between the bullies. But then a tweet came up that made him stop.
Jo_Taylor is a fat whore. Untalented bitch.
It was like he had been splashed with a bucket of ice-cold water. He had never in his life read a negative comment on Jo. Plenty of things about his relationship with her—but no one had ever attacked her. It had simply never seemed to occur to him that she would have the same types of haters that he did.
The rage that he was feeling was not normal. He had never been this mad before, and he dropped his phone onto the couch, using his now-free hands to rub his temples and take a few deep breaths.
How are people so horrible?
His anger, sadness, and outrage was filling him up to the point where he thought he might burst. His hands were clenched into fists and he was on the verge of throwing a punch at the wall. An idea popped into his head—not even an idea, a realization.
It scared him, but the heavy weight in his chest bothered him too much to fight. He went searching through the hall closet and then found what he was looking for—an X-Acto knife that they kept for opening packages. He grabbed it and then headed for the bathroom with it.
He closed the door, locked it, and held his arm out over the sink. He put the edge of the blade over the thin, sensitive skin on his wrist and watched, eerily fascinated as his blood leaked out. It hurt—but it also felt good. With the blood running out, it was almost like he could feel all of his anger leaving him as well. He made two more lines, parallel to the first one, right after the other up his wrist. And he felt better.
Kendall hadn't done it in years. When he was fourteen, he'd had some issues with depression and self-harm, but his friends had helped him. They'd picked him up when he was done, and patched him up when he hurt himself.
He'd gotten better, especially after moving to California and forming Big Time Rush. He hadn't cut since he was seventeen, three years ago.
But he'd had to. The overwhelming pressure in his chest—in his heart—had made him do it. He never understood why everyone was always so upset about people who cut themselves. He always felt so much better after letting something out of his body when it felt like there was too much feeling in it to deal with.
His friends had always been there for him concerning it. James was the least understanding, but he always just stayed quiet after a few times lecturing Kendall to no avail. Carlos was pretty silent on the subject too, and usually just brought Kendall snacks whenever he had been upset enough to need to cut. Logan was the one who always fixed Kendall up whenever the cuts were pretty bad. He'd wrap them up and warn Kendall about cutting too deep or too much.
Of course, they told him not to cut at all. But it seems they understood that sometimes he had to. And none of them wanted to tell Mrs. Knight. James had suggested it once, and Kendall had nearly exploded with anger about it. That had resulted in him slashing his wrists so bad that Logan almost took Kendall to the emergency room.
None of them ever suggested him telling anyone or getting help after that. They compromised—they wouldn't badger him about not doing it, as long as he didn't do it regularly and not badly. And so far, Kendall had managed to stick to that.
He cut one more line across his forearm, for good measure.
The next morning, Jo woke up to find Kendall not in bed with her. She yawned and stretched as she got up, grabbing for her underwear from the night before and one of Kendall's hockey jerseys from the chest of drawers. Her nose guided her to the kitchen, where she found her beautiful boyfriend cooking pancakes.
He grinned at her. "I knew the smell would wake you," he teased. "There's coffee made."
"Ugh, thanks," Jo said, walking around the counter into the kitchen. "When did you get up?"
Kendall sighed. "I kind of had trouble sleeping," he admitted.
Jo frowned. "Again?" she asked. When Kendall nodded, she sighed as well. "Kendall, maybe you should talk to a doctor or something. Maybe he can give you something."
"Nah, I'm fine," he assured her, flashing a smile over her shoulder. "I just have to stop drinking so much caffeine. I'll fix my sleep schedule once the guys and I get to work on the new album."
"Okay," Jo said hesitantly. She wrapped her arms around Kendall's waist from behind and stood on her tip toes in order to place her chin on his shoulder. "I just worry about you babe," she told him, kissing his cheek.
"Don't worry, sweetie, I'm fine," he assured her, placing the pancakes on a plate before turning around to give her a kiss properly. "I'm a big boy."
