1A/N: Story Complete. This takes place after Birthmark and is Rae/Rob. Probably my finest emotional work. As always, let me know what you think. It helps in me deciding what I'll write next.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans so lets not try and sue me since I don't have anything to sue for.
Afraid to Lose Again
By: Finalitylife
I shot up in my bed as a crash of thunder shook the entire tower. Normally, something like that would hardly bother me but ever since Slade's return, ever since I knew that my Father had finally come for me, even the smallest things made me cringe. I slowly laid back in bed hoping I could fall back asleep but another boom from the sky ensured that it would be very difficult for that to happen. I knew that some tea would help me sleep but I was tentative to go to the kitchen in the dark. It wasn't that I was afraid…well okay, I am a little afraid. I'm afraid of what might be lurking in the shadows just outside my senses. Its best I just admit that fact or something terrible could be spawned by my mind again, just like after we had all watched that particular movie. I felt myself shudder slightly. I glanced around my room for a second before realizing that the kitchen would be far less creepy than my own room and slowly rose to my feet. I grabbed my cloak and covered my body in it. I always felt naked without it and considering what I wore underneath, I knew that wasn't just paranoia. I smiled slightly to myself. At least I didn't float around in what Starfire wore. My smile faded as I thought of something else. That's because you are nowhere near as attractive as her and would just embarrass yourself.
I silently chanted my mantra in my head, trying to push down the bad thoughts. It was hard to say that I wasn't jealous of Starfire because I was, though I still cared deeply about her. She was allowed emotions, she was absolutely beautiful, she was loved by everyone around her and she had Robin. I small stature in my room cracked in half at my last thought and I let out a defeated sigh. Damn that boy! Even now I wasn't entirely sure what I felt for him. I knew whatever it was, it was something that was foreign to me, something I had never experienced before. It was always there, sitting comfortable in the back of my mind but when he was around, it would try to push its way to the front of my thoughts and I would have to struggle to beat it back.
I used to believe any feelings toward Robin were simply spawned from the deep gratitude I had for him, when he believed in me when everyone else turned me away and helped form the Titans with me. Then I started believing it sprung from the deep respect I had for him. How he, having no powers, risked his life to save the innocent, to protect his friends. He worked harder and longer than any of us, yet he never complained. When I bonded with his mind, I received a small glimpse into what drove him. I wasn't entirely sure, but whatever it was, it was always there in his mind, pushing him on. The feelings around it were dark but that was all I could get from his. At the time I was frantically trying to save his life, not learn what made him tick. I still wonder what tragedy occurred to him that made him who he is now. I understand why the rest of the Titans are the way they are but him, just like me, remain a mystery to all of them. We always had a quiet understanding between us, another reason why I respected him so much. He understood my subtleties. He could tell when I wanted to be left alone and he knew when something was wrong, though he never pushed me for information. I found myself floating down the hall still thinking of all the reasons I respected Robin when I neared the kitchen. I stopped when I saw a flickering light that was most likely a candle, something I recognized from my own room, lighting the main room. I also heard a voice that I recognized as Robin, though it sounded so quiet, so defeated. I had never heard him sound like that. I don't know what compelled me to do it, but I peaked my head around the corner hoping to see what was going on without being noticed. I saw Robin standing over by the window, watching a light show created by nature far off in the night, thought it was too far away now to create thunder that could be heard. A single candle burned on the table behind him, giving the entire room an eerie quality not that much different from my room. I flash of lighting revealed his reflection in the window and I realized he wasn't wearing his mask. I didn't get a glimpse of his eyes but it was shocking nonetheless. He never had his mask off outside his room. I could hear him talking to himself or maybe someone who just wasn't there.
"It's happening all over again. Every time I think I can do it, every time I think that I won't let anyone down anymore, something has to happen. Mom, Dad, its been so many years since you left, so many years since that night in the circus, the night I failed to save the first people I cared about. I was helpless to save you and could only watch as you fell. That night a child died, innocence died, and Robin was created. Even sometimes I can't help but laugh at the irony of what we call ourselves. The Teen Titans. Only two of us even fit that name. Cyborg is almost 20 and me and Raven, well I think both of us were forced to grow up a long time ago. The night you two died, I promised I would never let anyone down again, that I would protect everyone I cared about no matter what. I'm sure you two have seen just how well I've done with that."
I continued to listen and watch him. I knew I shouldn't be doing this, but I couldn't leave. I knew that these words were not for any living being to hear, that these were for Robin's lost parents as well as for himself, but my body just seemed to stay there, not responding to the logical side of her brain.
"I'm sure you were disappointed when I created Red X. When I lied straight to my only friend's faces, when I viciously assaulted them so that I could gain the favor of Slade. I nearly killed Beast Boy because of my madness and obsession! It was far too close. I said I would never allow something like that to happen again, but it was only a few months later that I did the same exact thing. I put myself in a situation where I was forced to hurt my friends. Again, they could have died because of my recklessness. Even to this day, I am still haunted by that look in Starfire's eyes, that look of total devastation and sadness on the face of a girl who only knows compassion and love. Only a monster would be capable of doing that to her. Mom, Dad, I don't want to be a monster."
I was sure that it almost sounded like he was crying but Robin didn't cry. I've never even seen him close to crying. Lots of thoughts were flowing threw my head. Was that really how Robin saw himself as? He wasn't a monster. He had made his mistakes but he had always redeemed himself in the end. He wasn't a monster, Slade was a monster, I was a monster. I also felt jealousy rise in my again when he mentioned Starfire. It was her that made him feel the worst despite the fact that he did the same exact things to the rest of us. I suppressed the dark feeling as best I could. Robin had still not spoken or moved since his last comment. A roar of thunder shook the tower, proving the storm was still out there somewhere, and had it not been for its sound, I was sure Robin would have heard my shocked gasp. He however, didn't even flinch the slightest at the sound.
"I thought at least time would allow me to forget my mistakes, that eventually I would find forgiveness in you two as well as my friends, but then there was Terra."
I felt a slight bit of anger rise up in me at the sound of the blonde's name. I couldn't help it. She had betrayed us, even after she had found a way to make me smile, to make me like her as a dear fried. In the end she tried to kill me and the rest of us. I just couldn't forgive her for that, not yet at least. I was sure something had broken somewhere in the tower because of my spiked anger but it was nowhere near me. I chanted my words of meditation as I continued to listen to Robin.
"I should have been kinder to her. I should have been less leader to her and more friend. I don't know why I was like that with her but I was. I was always driving her, pushing her forward to be better, to be stronger. All I did was drive her away, into the hands of Slade. Even after was all said and done, I should have been able to save her. I should have been able to make her realize we were her friends, her family, but in the end it was too late. All I did was make her feel weak and useless, like she was never good enough and now she is gone. Maybe she's in heaven with you two now and has found the peace in death that she never found in life, but in the end, she's just another person I couldn't help, another person who had to die because I wasn't able to be their for them. I can see Beast Boy still look at me with cold eyes when he thinks back to Terra. I know he blames me for it all. I'm sorry Terra. I'm sorry Beast Boy. I'm sorry I failed you both."
I could feel a storm of emotions in me, unable to pin a single one down to really determine what I was feeling at this moment. I was watching Robin slowly breaking down, and for the first time I saw him as someone who was vulnerable, truly human. I knew that was one thing we both never wanted. We both never wanted to appear weak in front of other people. When he caught me after Slade threw me off the building, I just wanted to continue falling. I didn't want anyone to see me so violated, so broken but Robin was there to save me, he saw me. However, I had never felt so safe than when I was in his arms looking up at him. I should have felt afraid, I should have felt like I wanted to disappear or fade away, but instead I felt safe. I realized at that moment, that Robin would have been hurt deeply if he found out I was watching him, watching his private moment, watching him in his vulnerability. I was about to leave back to my room but stopped when I heard my name.
"But now it's far worse. Now it's Raven. I wish you would have gotten the chance to meet her Mom and Dad. She's the best person I've ever met. She's kind, graceful, intelligent, and so funny. You would have loved her sarcastic humor. Also, she's so beautiful, a beauty that I never thought could exist. Never have I seen more exotic features. Starfire who everyone says is the most attractive girl anyone has ever seen doesn't even compare. Raven is in a class all by herself. She's perfect."
The last word came out barely above a whisper. I was no longer watching Robin but was still listening carefully. I could feel a slight blush forming on my face, but I was more shocked than anything else. Did he really see me that way? Did he really think I was perfect? I must have misheard him. None of that could be true.
"And most importantly is that I trust her. You both know that even as a young child, I had problem trusting anyone and it only got worse after you died. Growing up with Batman didn't help either but in the end, I find that I trust her completely. I willingly let her into my mind when I was haunted by Slade, knowing that she might see some of my secrets, but that didn't bother me. I knew that even if she saw something, she would never tell another soul. It would always between me and her, and no one else."
I couldn't help but smile at those words. He trusted me. He actually trusted me. That was another characteristic we both shared. We both had a hard time trusting and I knew that he was more paranoid than even I, but that's what made me feel so good about his comment. I was special enough for him to trust me. I felt a surge of those strange emotions inside me but I welcomed them slightly because they made me feel warm though Robin's next words chilled me.
"He's back Dad. The nightmare that just won't go away, Slade."
Robin's voice that had been filled with a sense of contentment was not venomous and dark.
"But he's not back for me. He's back for Raven and for the first time in so very long, I'm afraid. I'm afraid he's going to take her away from me. Ever since Raven and I bonded, I've been getting glimpses of feelings, nightmares from her. I don't get a lot but I know it is something terrible, something that even scares her. I've been getting a feeling of hopelessness from her and I don't want to feel that from her."
I wrapped my arms around me as his words reminded me of the nightmares I've had, of my experience with Slade, of the sad feelings I've been having. I didn't realize that Robin was feeling them too, that I was unintentionally making him upset like that.
"I'm afraid Mom. I'm so very afraid. Already once I failed to protect her and couldn't stop Slade from hurting her, from laying his twisted hands on her body. The thought of Slade touching her makes me sick. He has no right to touch someone as perfect as her."
I could feel the anger rising in Robin but the anger was not directed only at Slade, but also at himself for allowing me to be hurt. He was punishing himself for something that no one could have stopped. I was pulled from my thoughts by him slamming his hand on the window in front of him.
"Damn it! Why do I have to be so weak? Why must I fail everyone I care about? Why can't I protect the one's I love? Why can't I protect the one person I'm in love with? Why can't I protect Raven?"
I felt myself freeze up at his last words. He couldn't have possible said what he just said. He couldn't possibly have just said he was in love with me. No one could be in love with me, least of all someone like Robin. I was supposed to alone, I was supposed to be shunned, but then why was it that I couldn't help but smile at his words. Why was it that I felt a warm sensation throughout my entire body. I now could hear Robin openly crying, something I never though I'd witness. I found myself floating into the main room to get a clear view of Robin. He had both his hands pressed against the window with his head hanging down as he cried.
"Mom, Dad, I can't lose her, I can't lose her like I lost you. I won't be able to take it. I love her, I love her so much and I haven't even got the chance to tell her, to show her just how much she means to me. God, please don't take her!"
Robin continued to cry as a long roll of thunder could be heard. I don't know what compelled me to do it, but I found myself floating toward Robin's trembling form. My mind continued to scream at me to stop but the feelings coursing through my body pushed me forward. I found myself directly behind him as he leaned against the window with his back to me, and I was surprised that he seemed to take no notice that I was there. In the reflection in the window, I could see that his eyes were closed. As I looked at him, as I played his words through my head, I did the first thing that came to my mind. I hugged him. I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head against his back. I was surprised when he didn't even flinch at the contact but rather only spoke on word.
"Raven…." His voice as soft, barely above a whisper but it filled me with such warmth.
"Shhh Robin. Don't say anything. I'm here. I won't leave you." We remained in that position, with me holding Robin, listening to him breathe, with him occasionally gently caressing one of my arms that were wrapped around me. It sent a shudder through my body and I could feel goosebumps forming where he touched me. Nothing was said between the two of us, nothing needed to be said. I think this was exactly what we both needed right now. The storm finally hit and rain started slamming loudly against the windows of the tower, lighting and thunder making their presence known all over. A storm raged around us, yet for us, there was nothing but each other and that made both of us smile.
